- Wait, you have a TV? - No, I just like to read the TV guide. Read the TV guide, you don't need a TV guide. ♪ Double visualize it ♪ ♪ Double visualize it ♪ ♪ Double visualize it ♪ - Hello and welcome to Happy Wednesday to you. My name is Ken Reed and this is TV Guidance Counselor. I am your TV Guidance Counselor, at least from an audio perspective. I don't know if there's a video, TV Guidance Counselor somewhere, I doubt it. Anyway, let's just say I'm your TV Guidance Counselor. Welcome to the show. If you've never heard the show before and you're just tuning in because of my excellent guest today, the basic premise is I'm a Boston stand-up comedian. I own every issue of TV guide and I was a TV junkie growing up. And so what I do is I get a very interesting person, a comedian, someone in the entertainment industry, just someone I would like to talk to. I present them with a large selection of my TV guide collection. That's a little rhyme inadvertently. They pick one issue and then we kind of go through it and discuss what they would have watched that week. And that is what we do this week with my guest, Heather McDonald. You probably know Heather from Chelsea to lately, but she is also an author and has been in a ton of things as well as being a stand-up comedian. She picks an issue from 1979 here and we have quite a great talk about made for TV movies, especially, really enjoyed talking to her. She was in town performing at Laugh Boston recently, so I was in the green room there recording with her. And I think you'll like this episode very much, so please sit back, relax, and listen to this week's episode of TV Guine's Counselor with my guest, Heather McDonald. (upbeat music) - Thank you so much for doing this. - Thanks for having me. - You're quite welcome. I had to give you the quick brief. I always wonder like how much people know or don't know what the show is. - No, I didn't know. I just was like, "Oh, I'll do it, whatever." - You're like, "Why?" - I love the TV guides though, 'cause I'm saying that my parents totally, we were a total TV family. My parents watch way too much TV, I think. Like, you know how you worry about your kids watching? - Right, there was the opposite. - I think we need to worry about like our elderly watching too much TV, 'cause I feel like that's all they do all day long. - Well, I also think there's too many ads taking advantage of the elderly. - Oh my God, yeah, it's so amazing when you like those bathtubs that have doors. - Reverse mortgages. - Yes. - There's one with the Bionic Man. - Yeah. - Selling some kind of Bionic ear hearing it. - Oh yeah, that's great. - And it's branded, and it's really, really odd. I'm like, they're gonna lose all their money. - Yeah, yeah. - They come out now, yeah. That's my biggest fear. - Yeah, so this is great, I love it. - So you picked one for me. - Look, cigarette ads. - I know many cigarette ads. - Yeah. - And a lot of really weird brands that I don't remember. Like there's one called "It's Truth" or something. It's like, "Make Mine, The Truth." - I was just flipping through the TV last night, and it was, who is the sheriff Griffith? - Is he Griffiths? - Like the, he had like a sheriff's show, like Ron Howard. - Oh yeah, he had a Griffiths show, yeah. - Okay, so that actor was doing some other sitcom in the '70s. - Okay. - And I came across it, and he has this woman over his lap, and he's hitting her with a shoe, and the audience is laughing, and then he goes, "Well, I'm sorry." She gets up, she's like, "How dare you?" And he goes, "Well, I'm sorry. "I do not believe in violence, but your attitude, "I was dying." - That's very weird. - Like, that was funny. Like, remember like the honeymooner's like, "Oh, I'm gonna hate you." Yeah, like, ha ha ha ha. - Domestic violence as punchline is always very strange. - Yeah. - But like, I will dismember you and put you in a shallow grave. People would be like, "No, it's too far now." It's like, "What's the difference here?" - Yeah, really great. - Yeah, very, very strange. - So it's really, a lot of people, it's funny too, will say like, "Oh, I didn't watch that much TV, "and once they start flipping through, "they're like, "Oh my God, yes I did." - Oh my God, I loved afterschool specials. I mean, I would like plan my week. I definitely looked at this and was like, "Oh my God, there's a, first of all, I was getting five, "so I had no bedtime, I could watch whatever show I wanted." - There's no rules. - Like, some of my favorite made for TV movies that I remember one was Victoria Principal. - Yes. - And he was a kept woman, and there was a scene where she comes out in the beginning to tell her boyfriend, "I got a part on a soap opera." - Right, right. - And he's like, "When?" And she goes, "It's next week." And he said, "Well, that's when we're going to Chicago." - Is it too bad? - She can't do the show because she's in this nice condo and got really held. And I watched it, and I'm like, "God, an asshole." Like, she went on so many auditions to get this soap opera star. - Just dismiss the whole thing? - So then he dies, and because she's the mistress, she gets no money, and she has to become a hooker, a high-class hooker. - We've all been there. - I mean, I loved that one. - Was there a TV movie that didn't somehow involve a high-class hooker? - I love, I love high-class hookers. I wanted to be a high-class hooker. I even wanted to be like a bad hooker. Like, Eve Plumb was one. It was called Dawn, the teenage hooker. - And she mentioned Eve Plumb as an actress, not actual Eve Plumb. - Oh, yes. 'Cause, you know, I held Brady money. She was the one Brady who held out from the Brady Bunch variety hour. So people were like, oh, maybe she was high-class hooking. - Maybe she was, well, Dawn? - I don't know if her name was Dawn. She had a really great suede outfit that she walked up and down, and I was like, God, I want that outfit. And I was like, I think something very attractive to being a hooker, like, but I wouldn't wanna do this sex, but I would love that someone would pay for your time. - It's just a lifestyle, really. - Yeah, like it, and the outfits. - So you grew up in the valley, right? - Yes. - Oh, did you? - So I could've gone down. - Yeah, how you, both of them were very close. - So there was so much media set in that area. I remember Angel, the Angel series. Do you ever see that? It was a rip from the headline series of movies about a straight A student by day, high-class Hollywood hooker by that. - I love that, yeah, I like that. - That was all shot in that area. - God, I love that. - Yeah, very, very, very popular at the time. - Yeah. - And what was the one, lace with Phoebe K? - Oh, lace! Okay, let me tell you about lace. - Okay, so lace was on when I was like a freshman in high school or something. - Yeah. - And we just had the BCR. So it was such a long series. Like a mini series. - Yeah, I think it was two nights, two hours. - Right, and I had a lot of homework, I went to an all-girl Catholic high school. So I couldn't give up that time. So I remember I taped it, and then I came home, and I was like in my parents' bedroom watching it. And then the final scene with Phoebe K's goal, is, "Isn't that true, Juby?" - Isn't that true, like her mouth was weird, that the three girls that hid the pregnancy, and she didn't know which one was her mother. - Right, right. - And was she a hooker too? - I think she was one of those weird hookers that it was like some Saudi prince, which is why I live in his house for a month or something. - Yeah, I was obsessed. Some of my greatest books after that were like, "You'll never have sex in this town again," which is where I got my telephobia, and never blew ball in this town again. And then "Once More With Feeling" is another great hooker book. Of course, I was obsessed with Heidi Flies. I've read it, watched every documentary on Heidi Flies. - Do you remember the Mayflower madam before that? - Love the Mayflower madam. She was, yeah, she was from the Mayflower, her ancestors, and she ran them in Hatton. - She gets forgotten about now. I think Heidi Flies ever-- - Total pioneer, and yeah, I was like, "Oh my god, I was so close to running into Heidi Flies." Maybe that's a little bit young, but still. But the kind of girls that she would go after that really worked out well were like, you know, kind of athletic blondes. So that wasn't really me, 'cause I'm very on athletic. - Well, you could have been a specialty. - Yeah, so really obsessed with all of that. Love it. - Well, you just like, I can't wait to get recruited for one of these-- - I mean, my god. - And as a girl, let me go hang out at the mall and just wait. - Like, I had gold digging friends that I met at Sports Cove, LA. 'Cause that was very expensive to go to. And I thought I'd meet a rich husband, or I thought I'd meet someone in the industry. Michael Bay was always working out there. - Yeah. - But it didn't work out that way. But I'd go out at night, and now even now, when I go out to an event, there's guys from that time that we used to call the fixture, 'cause every time you go to a Beverly Hills party, they were always there, always by themselves. - Right. - Just saw on the other day. - It's got to be a talent. - Just like a weird-- Just like weird doesn't even have a girl with them or a male friend. - That's strange. - Just a weird-- - Yeah, yeah. They're like, yeah, they're like 55, and they're just out at every single thing. - It's probably still dress Miami vise style. - Yeah, and it's just like, ew, you know? I think they constantly can get a girl to go out with them a couple times. It's like new to the scene, and things like this guy really is a producer, he's really great. - Right. - And then like three dates in, you realize he's a-- - He lives in a van. - He lives in a van. - No, no, he has a little bit of van, because he's got to be able to Ford Sports Cove, LA. - That's true. Maybe that's how he works it. - But he's not as successful as you think, 'cause anyone can say they're a movie producer. - That's true. Or an aspiring movie producer. - Right, yes, yes. - It's in pre-development right now. We're in pre-production. - Absolutely. Oh my God, if people are going back and forth with Denzel's people, we can clear his schedule that he's gonna be doing this movie. - So I'm on the Nautilus yesterday, we had a good chat, I think it's gonna happen. - You're right, I guess, exactly. - Did you, I always have to ask people that I meet who grew up in the Valley, your thoughts on Valley Girl, the movie. - Valley Girl, the movie, I totally liked. - Okay. - I couldn't relate to her parents being pothead hippies. - Right, the hippie thing was not worth it. - 'Cause that was not my parents at all. And I didn't like her the way she dressed with her prairie look. - Right. - I liked the other girl better, the one that was like the singer was the better. - Elizabeth Daly, yeah. - Yeah, it's also the voice of babe the pig. - Yeah, I liked her kind of clothes. I love anything that's like the preps versus the other. - I love people, yeah, that I love, but I would totally be more into the preps. But sure, that was my thought. I mean, I wanna be James Spader's girlfriend. Like, I don't wanna live on the other side. - Yeah. - So I liked that they exposed the Valley and how like people thought of the Valley. And I'm still like fighting that a little bit today, which is so lame because we have everything that I've got else has, but some stupid people are still very snobby about it. And I've had to defend it, but eight, one, eight till I die. - It's nice. - Hell, I die. - I love it whenever I'm out there. It's like, what is the problem? And in Valley girl, actually, I'm like, you know, growing up here as we sit in the spring and the snow. I'm like, this seems pretty great. I don't really-- - It was really great, I guess, but I, you know, at the time that was, I guess, seen as like, oh, you know, but now I don't think it's as much like that, but stupid people still rip on the valley, yeah. But I don't know, yeah. - Like many people have never been there. - Yes. - So the first thing you saw in this movie guy that immediately, you got very excited about was a made for TV movie on the Sunday night, the, on the Saturday night, rather, Patty, her story. - I definitely saw this. - Yeah. - And so I would have been, here is this. - I think it's 79. - So I was nine, again, completely inappropriate that I stay up to slate and watch this. - I was in the same boat. I would stay up all night. - ABC Sunday night movie, it started at eight, so I was asleep by 10. - But did you have a 10 o'clock bedtime? - No, I know bedtime. Self-imposed 10 o'clock bedtime. - No, I only, like, my parents would take us to movies. I saw Rosemary Baby at four. I saw Jaws. I mean, they weren't gonna adjust their lifestyle. - Right, I said that too about my parents. - For the mistake, baby. - For the mistake, baby. I'm like, I saw all these cool horror movies. My parents were really cool, but then I got older. I'm like, they didn't want to get a babysitter. - They didn't want to get a babysitter. I saw Amnaville Horror haunted me for two years. Night mirrors, saw the kid guys, really awful. And like, I definitely don't do that with my kids. - Yeah, that's a good cautionary example. I think your kids are reaping the benefit of that. - I think that was one thing. Okay, so this is, oh my God. So it's starring Dennis Weaver as Charles Bates, his FBI agent in charge of the Hearst investigation. All starting Lisa L. Barker. She looks familiar in this picture, but I feel like I've never seen anything else. Okay. - I've never heard her name. - What really happened to Patty Hearst? The first goes and picture to tell the inside story of the most shocking, kidnapping crime of our time, the human drama of Patty Hearst, from her abduction to her release, torn from her family and her fiance, what did she experience through her terrifying captivity and her mysterious 17-month appearance? - And this was kind of right after that happened. - I mean, I didn't know the story until I saw the movie, and my mom would, oh yes, this is the Hearst money. They have all the magazines and the papers. So I'm watching it, and I mean, this is like, you know what everybody talks about? Oh, I knew I was gay when this happened at, like I knew when I was straight by TV. When I saw the commercial for Apocalypse Now, and all the soldiers were shirtless, water skiing in Vietnam, I'm totally straight. - Yep. - Straight, when this black guy takes her into a closet and is like, we're gonna make you whatever. It's like, stuff with all of them. - It's like a weird seven minutes in heaven. - Yeah, and like, took her up, like up against the wall. That was really hot. - 17 months in heaven. - Yes, 17 months in heaven. - That's what the movie's gonna make up. - I thought that was really hot. - Okay. - I thought it was like really sexy that this black guy was like rubbing up against her. I didn't know what sex was, but I like making out. - With the Cimini's Liberation Army? - Yes. And then also, there was an episode of Bionup Woman, where there were some, the Jamie. - Yep. - A girl looked just like her or something? - Yes, she was a full robot clone. - Full robot. - And so, whatever the robot's boyfriend was thought, it was her. - Right. - And the real Jamie had to make out with this guy she didn't know in the elevator. - To prove, yeah. - I love like elevator up against the wall. - Okay. - Kind of make out stuff. - So standing up make out. - Standing up make out and pushed up against a car or a wall. Something pushed me up somewhere. - Yes, like forceful sweetness, 'cause it's just like forced to make out. - It's forced to make out, I love it. - Yeah, very, very TV appropriate. - So I thought, like first I thought it was like awful that she was kidnapped. Then I was like, yeah, but she's like, gets to like get with all these hot guys. It's like this hot black guy. And so I'm watching it. And then when I couldn't believe in the end that they prosecuted her. - She didn't murder somebody. - Wait, she did? - Yeah. - I thought she just went in with the guns at the bay. - I believe she shot somebody during the robbery. - Still, I mean, she was absolutely brainwashed to do that. - Oh, totally, yeah, totally. - And you know what, because when she got out, she went and married and was okay. - Yeah, it was a very weird stuff. - I mean, talk about your poor parents. Everybody's worried about what happens to the kids in college. - Yeah. - You know, are they gonna get drunk? Are they gonna get alcohol poisoning? Yeah, but to be completely kidnapped. - Yeah, brainwashed. - And then rob a bank and go to jail for it. - With a submachine gun too. - But she should not have gone to Berkeley. - No, that was the biggest thing. - Why didn't they send her to USC or Stanford? - I bet Berkeley doesn't have her on their list of famous alum. - Yeah, and they're so rich. I mean, they could have prayed for a private college. - They could have built a college just to teach her. I think that's how rich they were. There's a funny story. She's in a lot of John Waters movies 'cause he was obsessed with the trial and everything. - The real patting her stuff. - Oh, that's good. - And they were filming the movie Cry Baby, which was Gracie Lord's first movie back after her adult career and she was-- - Can love her story. - Why is she still great? - She does a lot of acting still. She does a lot of weird sci-fi channel movies and stuff like that. She wrote a really good autobiography if you enjoy that sort of thing in very, very Hollywood-- - I read what's her name, the other porn star. - Jenna Jameson. - Yeah. - That one's a little too rosy colored, I think. - Oh, 'cause she fucking loves sex. - Yeah, yeah. - She loves sex and like really went for. - Yeah, that one's great. - Gracie Lord's was like-- - It was a little more TV movie. - Yeah, because, but now I feel like anybody in porn is doing it because they love it. - Yeah, the stigma is a little-- - Like, people are growing up. Like, I would like to be a porn star. - Right, that's their high class hooker. - Yes, exactly. - Which she's essentially sitting there and they can sort of do it now 'cause there's an easier path with the internet. - Yeah, you can do it yourself. You can have a nifty home business. - Exactly. - It's gonna work out of my garage. - Yeah. - We're from home. - Exactly. - Do you want to make more money? - Right. - Sure, we all do. - We're gone with the vagina. - You can be TV-R-C-R repair. - Absolutely. - Porn star. But she was, it was her first mainstream movie and she was in danger of going to jail because of, it was during the Meese Commission and regular prosecuting women in the porn industry and Ginger Lynne Allen went to jail for tax evasion, which is how they get everything. - Oh, right, yeah. - So she was in danger of that and she was kind of freaking out and she went up to Patty Hearst, not knowing anything about Patty Hearst and was like, "I'm really scared. "Have you ever been in trouble with the law?" And everyone just started laughing because they're like, "I'm all the people on this set." - That's great. - But she could've asked Patty Hearst. - That's great. - Patty Hearst was like, "No, which is fantastic." There's a really good but less sensationalized movie just called "Patty" that has Miranda Richardson as Patty Hearst. - Ooh. - And it's brutal. It's not nearly as fun, but is a better movie. It came on like 80/40. - What do you think it's more of the truth? - I think it's more of the truth. It seems a little more stuff they couldn't quite do on television and it gets more into Lestock Holmes syndrome kind of thing. - Oh, I'm gonna watch that. - But that's a good movie. - Did she still get all her inheritance and everything? Is she like living the highlights? - She's very wealthy as far as I know. She's got like a- - That's good. - Like a palatial estate in Connecticut and is married to the kind of guy that you would imagine a media mogul sort of wasp-y woman that would be married to in Connecticut. So as far as I know, she's doing okay after her kidnapping and enforced machine gun murder. Yeah, it takes a few years. So it's not true once you go black, you never go back. - I guess you're right. - The '70s was disproven. - God. - That's amazing. - But that was little too to see an interracial, even though it's a forced relationship. - Yes. - Going on television in 1979 is probably pretty crazy. - Yeah. - So was there a show that you watched with your, as you said, the youngest of five? Was there anything you were like- - I kind of like, this is like a little bit isosish if you think about it. - Oh yeah, absolutely. - Yeah, these teenage girls sort of, except they sort of forced her recruitment. - Right, it forced her recruitment, but how weird. - Yeah, I think that especially then too, when you, not to get two social studies, but when there's like a teenage girl and you can offer them power into a degree, it's very appealing. - Wow. - And it's sad that you have those kind of situations and it's weird that, you know, 35, 36 years later, you can still see some similar stories. Well, this said it was realistically filmed. - How else would it be filmed? Like it's animated inside. - Oh my God. Based on the experience and the recollections of Charles Bates, the FBI agent. Okay, so it was kind of his story. - Right. - Tanya, that was her name. - Yeah. - Okay, wait. Despite her participation as Tanya in the SLL Bay and Crawberry, this criminal act is soon added meaning to the light of psychological profile, okay. She wants to play the game, any game to do so, and maybe in time it won't be a game, but for real. They've somehow made that sound boring. - I know. - How could you make the Patty Hearst story sound boring TV guide? And then opposite it is the Osmond Special. The Circus of Osmond. - Rob with joy and the Osmond Family's Rock Circus tonight. I mean, great. How great that they're like still dating. - Yeah, the two Osmond's? - Yes. - Yes, yeah. Little Jimmy Osmond used to freak me out. - Yes. - 'Cause he looked like the oldest one that had just never grown. - Yes, exactly. - Like he's like, "I'm actually 75." - And you kind of fat. - Yeah, he was-- - It was sad. - He had that Paul Williams thing going on. - Yes. - Yes. - So was there anything that you would watch with your siblings? - Oh my God, Mary Taylor Moore had a Mary-- - Yeah, Mary the Variety Show. - Yeah, or if Drew got that. - And like Mary Richards, you'll love Mary McKinnon. America Sweetheart is back on the spotlight with another great cast of delightful characters. She's as bright as perky as ever, and you'll fall in love with her all over again. Well, no, he didn't 'cause it didn't last. - They lasted eight episodes, and the weird conceit of that show was it was an hour long show, and she played a woman who had her own Variety Series. The first half of the show was a sitcom about the behind the scenes of the Variety Series, and the second half I was the actual Variety Show. And Michael Keaton was on it. He was the security guard at the studio. It was not good. - Now this is a very risque sitcom. - Okay. - Can this X-Y face the swinging single life with Stalker Channing? The show is called Just Friends. - 930 on a channel two, CPS. She traded husband at home for a bodybuilding boss and an apartment house where the motto is love thy neighbor. - That was a weird thing in the late '70s that people forget about singles apartment buildings. Do you remember how much that was promoted in the pre-AIDS world? It was like, come get an apartment here where everybody's just doing it. It was like a really weird thing. - Once in a lifetime a woman has to try to make it on her own once in a lifetime. - Just one time. - Just one time. Don't try to do it again. - If you try to rob a bank during that time, you're out of luck. - Just once in a lifetime. - That's it. - You'll laugh and sigh. Oh, that's so funny. - Classic con, classic con. - As Stalker Channing, the star of Greece struggles to win her independence without losing her reputation. - I think it's strongly worth it. - She's carrying a lot of stuff. - 'Cause she's moving. - And she's single, and she doesn't need a man to help her move. - No, she don't know how to do anything without a man. I bet there's all kinds of things like, I have to fix the garbage disposal if I only had a man to do this for me. - It's so true, but you do need a man for that. - I think it's strongly worth it. - I don't know how to do that. - I don't know how to do that either. I need a man to do that and I'm gonna straight man. - Yeah. - She's not quite the star of Greece, I would say. I think it's more I could say one of her stuff. - I remember she was 35 doing Greece. And she looked every day of it. - It was like, a living Newton John had a youngness about her and then she was 29, but for her to be 35. And then remember when every star was Rizzo on Broadway, like Brooke Shields, now it's that character in Chicago. - Yes, absolutely. And Frankie Avalon looked younger than Stalker Channing at Greece. - And she acted old too. - But really she's 17 smoked pregnant, bone in different guys. - So was there any shows that you watched as a family or was everything kind of alone? - We watched all of them family. We watched Archie's place or Archie the spin-off. - Archie Bunker's place, yeah. - Sunday nights, we would barbecue a lot, so we had chickens on the spit in the barbecue and lots of seasoning on the chicken. And that was our Sunday night dinner. And we sat and watched TV while eating the dinner. - And a small TV in the kitchen. - Do you travel a lot as a kid or were you worried about it? - No, no. - So how weird is it to see stuff like on the family that was set in like a very cold New York and that kind of stuff? Did you not identify with it? - Well, that made me always very scared to go to New York. I never thought I could handle being cold like that. - Right. - But like in good times, I was like jealous that their neighbors live so close. - Right, I wouldn't even think about it. - I thought that was like really cool. - Yeah, they're in the same building. I didn't understand what the projects were or anything. And I was like, I would like to live in the projects because they're not hanging out in walks. But my favorite episode, of course, was when Janet Jackson was burned with an iron, Kenny. - Yes, I enjoyed the shoplifting one more Janet Jackson. - No, did she shoplift as a teenager? - Yes, in that episode, her friends pure pressure her. - Oh, yeah, I liked that. I felt bad that JJ didn't get a room and his sister, the two brothers had to live in the living room and the sister got her own room, just because she was the girl. And she was a total bitch, total stop. But then she married like a football star or a baseball star or something. - Did you all have your own room in your house? Or did you share rooms? - Oh, no, we shared rooms. We shared rooms and tell the older kids moved out. And then I got my own room when I was 12. - I gotta hold me down room. - Yeah, and so I remember there's one scene where the dad says to Florence, "There's only two places for the woman." And she goes, "Don't say what was his name?" - The actor was John Amos. - But what was his character's name was? - Whatever his name was. - She goes, "Don't say it, don't say it." He's like, "The kitchen or the bedroom?" "The kitchen or the bedroom?" And I didn't even like understand what they were talking about. Why is there only two places for the woman? - Not a lot in the living room, 'cause the two boys live in there instead of them. I don't understand what they were talking about. - Yeah, like I totally did not get that at all. - Very, very strange family dynamic that probably was just so different from what you experienced and were used to or anything that was remotely close to. - Yeah, I mean, I liked, you know, I mean, I watched a good time. I mean, the two little boys, what's the, the paxelite? - Paxelite, different strokes. - Different strokes, paxelite, different strokes. Of course, Brady Bunch reruns. We watched Love Boat and Fantasy Island. - Okay, which did you have a preference? I find that that's sort of a Coke and Pepsi. Someone you'd usually like-- - I always liked Love Boat better. - Yeah, yeah. - Always liked Love Boat better. I loved how many times Julie was asked to be a man of honor. - Yes, yep. - Like, on a four day cruise to Mexico. - Yep. - It was always, they meet, they like each other. They don't like each other. They like each other at the end, walk out. Julie, will you be the man of honor as they're leaving? - She should've just charged for that service. I mean, she could've retired. - And if a black person came on, then they were either gonna date Isaac or they knew Isaac from the neighborhood. - Their Isaac's little dad or something like that. - Yeah. - I always wonder whenever I watch Love Boat, I feel like so many people learned, it may be good legal advice, I don't know, but legal information about international waters exclusively from Love Boat. And I just wondered how many people cited that in court cases. - That's so funny. - If I must cite the episode 55 of Love Boat, where are the gambling? I've never been on a cruise, and I don't, not a big boats person, but I feel like I never wanna go on one 'cause it won't be like Love Boat. - I am going on a cruise this summer. - For the first time? - Well, I went on one for my high school graduation. - Okay. - Now, interesting story about that. First of all, whenever you say interesting story, I feel like it's not an interesting story. - Could you talk about that? It was on the water. - It was part of a cruise. - Yes. - And normally, every year, the Crespi, which is the all-boys high school, that was in Louisville, they would always go on the senior trip to Hawaii because you could drink in Hawaii at 18. - Right. - Well, couple of years before I turned 18, it turned 21. So that changed everything. - Yeah. - And some mothers got together, let's do a cruise. Well, a lot of them had fake deities, they still wanted to go to Hawaii. But like 60 of the Louisville girls went on the cruise and only about 12 of the Crespi guys went and they weren't even the greatest Crespi guys, but they had the greatest time ever 'cause these girls were drunk and horny. I mean, they got laid over and over again. - On a boat? - On a boat. - Who were the chaperones? - The parents, we had everybody had their own rooms. I mean, you like ran around and there were some moms. - This high school. - I know, I didn't, so I was a virgin. But like, you got drunk, there was no, and then there were like families. There were no other good guys to scam on, but the 12. - 12 dudes, it's like a three to one ratio. I'm not sure. - It was, I mean, that's how you should interview one of these guys. - One of these guys. - One of these guys. - One of these guys. - One of these guys. - They probably just killed themselves after 'cause they knew life would never get better. - Never get better than that. - Just jumpin' overboard. - And so I didn't like love it. I did get sick because I did drink the Mexico water. And I was sick for two days in which I watched over and over on the hotel TV was overboard with Goldie Hunt. - Which is fantastic. - Fantastic, so I watched it 20 times, I loved it. I loved the story, I loved that you took care of the boys in the end. - You still like it? Don't associate it with vomiting. - I can still watch it, but I remember vomiting. But it got me through the vomit. 'Cause I'm this lobster night because of that. 'Cause I was sick, and every night was like, yeah. - You're in Boston, you can make that, you can make good on it. - I know, I love seafood. So anyway, that's what happened with that. So okay, wait, with the cruise. Okay, so I'm going on the cruise to Alaska this summer. - Okay. - Because my mother-in-law really wants to do that before she turns 80. And I said, well, why are you waiting 'til you're 80? 'Cause the world is ending. And they're only gonna have icebergs. - Just goin' out. - Polar bear. - Alaska will come to you. - Yes, so Alaska will, yeah. Or when we have the big earthquake and we break off to the sea and then I have like oceanfront property. - Yes, exactly. - So I feel like, do what you can do. - Yeah. - As much as you can do now, have fun because who knows where we'll be. So we're gonna go do that with my kids. And that I'm really kind of excited about, 'cause we're at a good age of like, they're really interested. And it's something- - They still want it. - They're still not my hanging out with you. They're not like- - Oh no, no, they're like- - I wish my kids have no desire to make friends. I've made my life in our homes so comfortable that they're like, no, I'm good. - You've, you've, you've, you've, Patti Hurston done. (laughing) - They will do anything they don't want to leave. It's fantastic. - Yeah, they're excited for that. That is not my kind of vacation at all. But I'm glad I'm doing it because we're like taking the cousins. - Right, it's a big family. - Yeah, like I love my husband's family. Like they're cool, my mother loves great. And it's like, I think it's just like, we'll be a very cool experience. Anything I'm gonna get some material from. - Yeah, oh absolutely. - So like for me, like this spring break, we're going to Cabo for a week. - Right. - That's, if I never had to see another snowflake, no offense to Boston. - I would, I wouldn't care. Like my kids ski and if I go, it's like I do a couple runs. Because I know like they're better than I am. So now I'm like the door that's slippered down. - Oh right, yeah, yeah. 'Cause that, that's the day, whenever the two times I went skiing and they were like fetuses on, on snowboards, it was very, very terrifying. And I'm like flipping over and injuring myself. I think the danger of Cabo is inadvertently running into Sammy Hagar. That might be worse than wiping out. - I've met Sammy Hagar. - Have you? - He's there all the time then. - Well yeah, it's his club. - Cabo Wabo, right? - Yeah. - I would not be prepared to meet Sammy Hagar. - Sure you would. - I feel like I could meet, I've met David Lee Roth. I feel like I can handle that. But Hagar, I think I need to be, I need him a few more years on Earth to have his experience to meet Hagar. - Have you ever been to Cabo? - No, I've never been to Mexico. The only other country I've ever been to is England. - Well, you gotta go to Cabo. - Is it fun? - Hell yes! - Okay. - It's totally fun and it's beautiful. I mean, you can have as much money as you want. You can go to a hotel and never leave the hotel. - Right. - But then you can like take a cab and rip it in the town. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So it's kind of the best of both. And if you're at a nice hotel, they don't even let the people sell the crap on the beach. - Right, right. - So it's like depends how much you want to do. We're staying like a house near a resort, but we're not that far from the town. So we'll probably go to the town like one or two nights. - So you're the best of both worlds to go to. - Right, yes. - Van Halen elm. - We can go there. We can go to that club. We can go to that club and get eyes to keel on tap. - Yeah, rip it. - So are you going to make your kids watch "Love Boat" to prepare them for this cruise? - I watched "Love Boat" the other day. Again, completely inappropriate. There was like, like, there was like so many potential rapeses that were like laughed at. - And so-- - Were the girls like trying to get out of the room? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - And not so much infidelity. That's what like every episode of it was like, they got machito on each other and now our marriage is fixed. - Yes. - There's so much of them. - God, totally. - And then "Fantasy Highland," like at least "Love Boat," it was good value for money 'cause you were getting a cavalcade of stars. - Right. - So you're like, I can't watch this-- - Like the one I just saw Billy Crystal was on. And he was a kissing bandit. - Yes. - So he would go and someone would be like looking out at the water and he would grab them and make out with them with a mask on and they didn't know who he was. Again, absolute sexual assault. - Yeah. - Absolute sexual assault. - But you think about all the crimes on the cruise ships that happened and people are going missing. You know, I have to have a real, I told my husband, I said, we gotta really sit down with the kids and like really go over rules and checking in and stuff because the boat is something. And I want them to have, maybe my daughter's 15, but she'll pull this, like she's my stepdaughter and she'll pull this stuff where she gets mad and then we don't know where she is. Like we have to sit down like that. - Come for a walk. - Yeah, like you know, like I can't have any kind of stress like this. You can't like get Huffy Puffy and walk away. - I think you should just show her a picture of Billy Crystal and be like, this man might kiss you if you walk away and then she'll be like, I'm hanging with you guys the whole trip. Don't worry about it. - That's amazing. Also, everyone is so thin. - Yeah, on the cruise ships? - On a lot, but it's a complete opposite. - That's what I was gonna say. - A complete opposite of real cruise ships and they come on the cruise, like dressed to the nines. - Yeah. Oh yeah, these people now on cruise ships, it's like we gotta wear shoes and it's like people, men and women and mumus, just like I'm here for the buffet, man. - Oh, it's all about the eating, yeah. But blah, blah, people were there for problems they needed to fix in their life, reuniting with a lost love, which was very common, but then Fantasy Island. So you knew what you were getting with blah, but Fantasy Island, you had no clue what that episode was gonna be about this week. It could be about a guy who wanted, I remember one with Bert Convey, who's in to be in every other episode of Fantasy Island, who was the world's greatest escape artist and he wanted to be challenged for once. So they kidnapped him and put him in basically a Turkish prison and he had to escape and that was his fantasy, at Fantasy Island. I'm like-- - Yeah, but the fantasy, I don't, I guess I don't remember Fantasy Island much, except when they come in, of course, like the play and the play. And there were like a lot of it was like, Ricardo was like really evil. And then they'd be like, what are you doing? Or like, sometimes the person would never get out. - Oh yeah, he's like, you're like-- - And you're like, you're fantasy is to be buried alive. - Right. - And they're like, no, it isn't. - Excitement, that was my fantasy, excitement. But isn't this exciting? - Like it was like where you think he's nice, but then there you do a lot of evil stuff, kind of like the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, like he's mean. - Yes, yes. - And that part's really weird. - Yeah, and Harvey Valicez always terrified me. - Yes. - Always, I saw the first time I saw him in a movie called Forbidden Zone, that Danny Elfman's brother, Richard Elfman, made and it's terrifying. He plays the king of the Forbidden Zone. And then I saw him on Finney Sound later and I'm like, it's the devil who's terrifying. - You know, it's a really terrifying thing that he's brought. And I just will be shocked if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's the three faces of death or the, and it was Karen Black was in all three, what does that call? - Oh yes, that's called Trilogy of Terror. - Terror? - Hey, three face of death, Trilogy of Terror. - It's pretty close, it's close. - I knew it was something scary and with threes. - Okay. - Was he any fetish doll? Is that the one? - And then they were all slicing her ankles? - Yes, yes, yes. - I love that. - Yes, yes, that was a terrifying TV movie. It was written by Richard Maffison who wrote the majority of the Twilight Zones. - I love Twilight Zone. - It's very similar. It's basically like three Twilight Zone episodes in the '70s. And they did a sequel to it in 1990 with Karen Black again. - You know, why is it when they try to bring back Twilight Zones? Why don't they do well? Why doesn't it do well? Because it's like the stories about it are like, I would have to create stories for my kid every night, my one son for like a solid year and a half. He didn't want stories read and I was running out of ideas. I was spent. I was working on Chelsea Lately and then we'd have to come home and come up with a story. So I would just start telling Twilight Zones. - Right. - And I guess that's happened too where people have gotten in trouble with the writer's guild where they've been writing movies or pitch movies that were based on like an episode that like clearly, 'cause that guy came up with everything you could ever think of in 30 minutes. - People got in trouble with the writer's guild for telling their children Twilight Zones. I guess I have to pay a royalty. My son turned me in. - Oh my God, that's so funny. I love that. I'm gonna say that the writer's guild called me up. Your son is a Vintilla kids that apparently you're calling, apparently you're telling a story about how everybody had a pig face but one person. And you did not create that. - This character you invented called Burgess Meredith? Or your son finally sees that episode he goes, they ripped off my mom. - Yes, that's so funny. Mom, mother's dollar idea. - Yeah, there was a famous story actually for not Twilight Zones, but out of limits, which was very interesting. James Cameron stole two episodes about our limits for the Terminator, demon with a glass hand and one called Soldier. And they were both written by Harlan Ellis. - Oh wow, so what happened? - He sued and won and got a lot of money from the Terminator. - Well he should. - He should, it was a complete ripoff. It was blatant. And I think that happens a lot to people. Some of it's probably not conscious 'cause they see these things as a kid and before the age of VCR's and when these things weren't reruns forever, you probably would be like, "Is that actually a thing that I saw?" - Right, right. - Yeah, there's kind of no excuse for it now. - No. - They did a new Twilight Zone in '85, which was actually very, very good, but it was very expensive. - The movie? - Not the movie, they did do the movie. - I liked the movie. - The movie was fair. - The movie was wishing the people to the cornfield. - Yes, that's a remake of the classic episode of the movie that is terrifying now. - Well, what's terrifying is like, I think people of all, I think there's like celebrities that are like that kid, you know, where everybody? - Yes, men. - Yes, men and everybody's like (laughs) and then someone says something joking back to the star and it's like, "Am I gonna be wishing the cornfield?" And like, wait, it's happened. - Oh, I bet. - Like, I've been there. - In the room with the people, you're like, "I think I might be in the middle." - Yeah, like, I think it's so, like, I think that I think she's done. - Yeah. - And sure enough, a couple months later she'd be done. - Can you imagine being a person like that where you're like, "This person made eye contact "with me that they're done?" - Yeah, well, in this case, it wasn't like the eye contact. It was like... - Give him shit. - It's like busting balls and you just said the wrong thing. Like, you could've said anything else, or on a different day and the star would've laughed. But on this particular day, now you've crossed the line and all the friends are like, or like, or someone come in and say like, "No one will defend you, but then they'll text you later "and go, "I'm sorry, that was horrible. "What happened in the room?" - I was frozen with fear. - But like, yeah, I didn't want to go to the cornfield. - Yeah, my favorite thing about that episode too is how everyone else reacts whenever he does something horrible. Like, oh, it's real good that you did that. Real good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I support your decision to be a monster. - Yes, exactly, yeah. He was bothering you, yeah. And the sister's mouth is all-- - Oh, God, that was played by Sherry Curie from the runaways and that's not talking. Yeah, Joe Dante, who did "Gremlins" directed that segment of the movie. - Yeah, that was by far the best. - That was by far. I didn't like the thing with the weird thing on the plane. - Yes, John left out. - John left out is who you're talking about. - He picked the can, hate and kick the can. - That is the worst. - That is the worst of everything Spielberg. Like, everything people complain about Spielberg, like schmaltzy nonsense. Just watch "Kick the Can." And that's what you should've been puking for two days about. - Yes, horrible. - It's watching that thing. It's the worst. And then the other one was such a mess because there was the controversy where Nick Morro, General Education, Lee's dad got killed. - Right, so they didn't show that one. - We didn't show it. - We did show it. - Yeah, he was like a racist. So they put him in every situation, yeah. - The only good thing about that one is John Larra Cat as a Ku Klux Klan leader. - Yeah. - Keep terrifying. - Did you ever see this Twilight Zone? 'Cause I think this is so great. A couple goes drinking and they like pass out in their car 'cause they didn't wanna drive. And then they wake up and they can't, no, yeah, never is gone, they can't find it. And then all of a sudden they push over a lamppost and it's fake. And they're like part of a monopoly game of an alien kid. So like someone came down in the middle of an alien's and they took them and they brought him home for their kid to play with. - Yeah. - And now they're like on a board with like a fake of-- - Yeah, they're basically salamanders. - Yes. - I do remember that one. - That is just the best reason not to get drunk and pass out. - Did you ever fear alien abduction as a kid? A lot of people did that I know. - No, I've never, I've never believed that there's aliens. - Okay, so you're very skeptical about these things. 'Cause that was huge at the time too. We charried to the gods and all that. - I am and I'm not. Like the other day I had a dream that I looked out the window and it was all these aliens coming down and I was like, this is it, this is it. Yeah, like with like these weird chopper things. And I dream like very vividly every night and then I usually can figure out what I saw that day that triggered it. Yeah, but yeah, I just, yeah, I just don't believe it. I don't believe that they would go to, if they were gonna come, that they would go to big open fields. Wouldn't they be attracted to the lights of a city? - Probably, yeah. - And so that I just, I don't know. And then-- - 'Cause V terrified me as a kid, if you remember that mini series about the-- - I can't believe in ghosts though. - Ghosts, what about alien ghosts? - No. - Do you think you've ever seen a ghost? - Well, I did celebrity ghost stories. - Oh, did you really? - Yes. - So you have seen a ghost. As far as celebrity ghost stories. - Yes, I did believe something really weird happened in this hotel room. - Okay. - Where I was kind of, I felt like I was raped by a ghost. - Oh, interesting, but not a kissing bandit. Just made out with a ghost pushing against the wall. - No, he was pushing me down on the bed and I felt the hairs of his arm. - Oh, like full on barber Hershey entity. - Maybe. - Yeah, that's-- - And it was very weird. And the next day is when I got the call and said, and my publicist said, "Have you ever had an experience for the ghost?" I thought that was a real sign. - Okay, you weren't like, "What did you try to do like the--?" - No, he could not have been, he could not have been-- - 'Cause I sent one over there and-- - Yeah, he's-- - Wow. - So, I don't know, like I do kind of think that that happens and like, I was just watching reruns of "The Ghost Whisperer." That was a really good show. - That was a good show. - And she's so beautiful. I don't know if she-- - Jeff, I love you. - Yeah, I love her hair. I'm sure she's got hair pieces in. - Okay, I just-- - But I, she's-- - I always love her. - She's so beautiful. Like, and she's, I don't like like her big ass and her big real tits. Like, I love her like, curvy look. - Yeah, she, who doesn't like-- The thing I always liked about her too is that she's actually good in things too. - Yeah. - And she's not just like, some on a new bubble head. - Yes. - Like, she's always enjoyable to watch. - But then that lifetime thing where she was again, that hooker I'd like, mom that asked to do massages and then they'd go, "It's better than Waitressing." - No, it isn't though. - No, it isn't. - I don't like the tables. - Like, I mean, you can pick up someone's happy eating food but to suck and swallow someone's semen is a different story. - Yeah, although it depends on what kind of restaurant-- - But every guy that would come in in the lifetime was like a hot guy that just made affection. That's just like his wife was mean. It was never like a guy, a real kind of guy that would get a hooker. - Yeah, who all look like Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph. That's the guy that would get a hooker. - Exactly. - Or just sweaty all the time. - Here, look, this is-- - Channel Four News? - No, this is a family of you. This is the guy who killed himself, right? - No, that's Richard Dawson, the guy who killed himself-- - Oh, it was the next one. - Is Ray Caus, who's actually in Overboard. He is the cop when Kurt Russell goes to the hospital to steal her. The cop who's there is Ray Caus. - Oh my god, he's eating. - He will hang himself after he was on. But Richard Dawson's in "The Running Man," the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, and he was on "Hogan's Heroes" as well. He's speaking of stealing kisses from people. That was his thing that he was famous for. - Right. - He was kissing all the ladies on the show and you can definitely see episodes when they are not into it. - And he's like, "Come here, come here." And there's nothing you can do about it. - Take Gary Coleman die. - Gary Coleman did get die, yes. - Okay. - He died about maybe five years ago. And he is on the cover of this particular issue. - I know. - He was enormous as a star, not as a human being. - Right. - And people forget too that "Faxillife" was a spinoff of different strokes. - Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. - Yeah, a lot of people forget that. But Joe endured longer. - "Faxillife" was a spinoff. - Yes. - Right, right, not the other way. - It was on, I think, twice as long as-- - 'Cause she, as the maid, or the nanny got the job over at the school. - Yes, as the dietitian at Eastland School. - Yeah, which obviously wasn't good when they all blew up and got fed. And what was Joe doing? Writing a motorcycle at like 14. - Yeah, you could get a motorcycle license at 14 in the late '70s, in this area at least. I don't know if you couldn't, on the West Coast, but that made little sense to me. My dad had one when he was a kid too, which is odd that he would even have a motorcycle regardless of, as a kid. - Was there a show that you wished you were on as a teenager or as a kid? Like, I felt like everyone was like, "I wish that was my family." Or like, "I wish I was on this show." - She was like, "I'm fine." - I mean, I loved "After School Special." - Okay, so like, the boy who drank too much with Scott-- - Right, I loved like teen pregnancy. And you know what I think? Those type of shows scared me into never getting pregnant. Because I was like, "You're on your own." - Yeah. - "You're living an apartment by yourself." - There's nothing appealing about this. The guy leaves, you fight, you can't go to high school. No one wants to talk to you after. And it's like the direct opposite of teen pregnancy, teen moms today. - Everybody loves you and you're famous. - Everybody loves you. The 50 year old nurse mom is taking care of your baby, and she's totally happy to have another chance raising a child. They'll never kick you out, they totally support you, let you do whatever. And I think that you should put the fear of God in your kid. - Oh, absolutely. Although I think they could go a little too far that's up to you, because I am a happily married man with a job, and I remember, we thought my wife was pregnant and I had to go buy a pregnancy test, and I was like, "Oh fuck." But just because I had that teenage fear of your world is over. - Right, yes. - Because of those specials, I mean, it was every week they were like, "Don't let this happen to you." - Yes, exactly, yeah. - There's a made for TV movie from this time called Someone I Touched with Chloris Leachman. Do you remember this movie? Where everybody has herpes, and it's-- - No, I love it. - It's unbelievable. - Herpes was a big, scary thing. - Huge, and it's basically follows-- - 'Cause it came after AIDS. - Yes. - No, it came before AIDS, so they're like, and I remember there was this is worse than herpes AIDS. - And people were like, "I don't see how that's possible." - Right. - Yeah, and this movie is about, it's from 1978, and it has a theme song called Someone I Touched, sung by Chloris Leachman. - Oh my God. - And also it's called Someone I Touched, first of all, it follows this guy from the CDC who's going around telling people they probably have herpes because he has this list of people and trying to get people that they slept with. - Oh my God. - And there's a scene where this teenage girl who Chloris Leachman's husband had an affair with is telling her mom that she has herpes, and the mom's like, "Are you pregnant?" And she goes, "No, I have herpes." And the mom slaps her, I counted 17 times. 17, like the clip is on YouTube. It just keeps going on and on. - You send that to me. - I will send it to you, absolutely. - I couldn't believe it. I'm like, it's, and it's not done in a comedic way. I'm like, who's the director who's like nine was good? - That's why, I was like, I wonder if that whatever Griffiths guy hitting the woman with a shoe. I was like, I bet if I searched, I bet somebody posted that too because it's totally appalling. - I'm sure, absolutely. So you're watching this stuff, is there something that you were embarrassed to watch at this time that you, like, you wouldn't admit, or that was like a guilty pleasure, or like you kept from your siblings or kids at school? - No, like my friend says it was shocking that I would come at like third grade and say, did you see the main for TV movie thing? And she was like, I can't watch those things. Like we had to go to bed at eight. And I was just like, how could your mom not let you watch it? Like it was so good, you know, 'cause of course you couldn't tape things in a DVR. So it's like you really had to plan your life around it. - So if were you sort of the person in kids at school would go to to be like, tell us about this and you'd have to kind of - I'd sort of offer, no, it's more like I would offer it, and then not be invited to things. Like I remember this little girl. I was third grade, I spent the night at her house and she had very straight hair. And I said, oh, why don't you ever wear breaths like this? And she goes, well, my mom thinks it looks cheap. And so I thought-- - You look like a tramp. - That's what I thought that she meant because of her jagged hair, it like didn't lay right. So the mom explained that to me and I said, oh, I thought you meant cheap like a hooker. And the little girl's like, what's a hooker? And the woman said, wow, your mom sure shares a lot with you. And I was never invited back. - Yeah, there's a, the state house here in Massachusetts. We went when I was about nine, when I was a school field trip. And there's a statue of a guy whose last name is Hooker. - Yeah. - And so everyone was laughing. And this state senator who was showing us around goes, oh, are you laughing because of prostitutes? And we said, yes, and he goes, well, it's funny, that's where the name comes from. He was well known to have prostitutes around him all the time. So people called them Hooker's Girls, which was just shortened to Hooker. - And that's where it came from? - That's where it came from. - Oh my God, amazing. - So he told us this at age nine, that's an interesting fact. And I would share this at, you know, Christmas. - Oh my God. - It was a fun fact, people were like, where the hell did you hear this? I'm like, oh, Senator. - That's just great. Very, very inappropriate to tell children these sorts of things. - Oh my God, amazing. - Where it comes from, so yeah, that's not wrong. So you're watching these inappropriate things. Was your oldest sibling not allowed to watch those things when they were coming up? Like, was it, I find that happens a lot with the oldest is kind of mad at the youngest for being like, I couldn't watch that. - Yeah, well, a little bit in that. Yeah, I mean, I think birth order is very interesting. - Right. - Because I think people would say, you know, when I studied this and get one of classes, you know, and I was like, 'cause they said, you know, people would say, how could two kids from the same home, from the same parents, be so different? - Very different. - And it's because they were raised completely different because their birth order. The first child has a completely different experience. The youngest is being kind of partially raised by the siblings as well. And for that exact reason, like sometimes, you know, sometimes some of the moms would say things to me, like, I don't like that Ellis or whatever, in my son's class. And you know, you do realize he's three older brothers. - Yeah. - So he's gonna, he is gonna say an appropriate stuff because older brothers will teach him. There's no way that that mom can raise him. - Yeah, you can't isolate the rest of the family. - You can't isolate him. Those are his friends. Those are, you know, and you're trying to, it's just gonna, so I'm like, the kid is not bad. He's just exposed. He's just the youngest because I was the youngest. So I'm like, I just, I feel, you know, no. - You have to stand up for it. - Yeah, you're gonna be watching Spongebob at four when you really shouldn't be watching until you're like nine. And that's just what's gonna happen because that's what the older kid is watching. And you need that, the whole point of having other kids is that that other kid can kind of watch that kid. So as a parent, like it would be an impossibility unless you were super rich and like had a nanny for each child. - And I find that when you have prohibition of certain television shows and things like that, every single person I know or everyone I know who has kids that did that, always backfires. So if you're like, you're four, you can't watch Spongebob about your brother can. That kid is gonna grow up being like, Spongebob is the best thing I've ever seen and just get very defiant. Like it just, you can't win by trying to watch it. - Like this is something that I would not tell like on a daytime talk show, but I'll tell it to your podcast. I let my kids watch Family Guy. - Okay. - I mean, people would be horrified. - But maybe not. - I love that they have a great sense of humor. - Yeah, but don't they miss a lot of the things on it, your kids when they watch it? - Some of it they do and some of it they don't. And, but my kids are funny. - Yeah. - And I think it's like helping their senses humor. - Do they watch stuff that you do? - The stuff that we like to watch together, which I really do appreciate these shows and I see whether hit our survivor, Shark Tank. - Solid reality stuff. - Yeah, and of course they love like the ninja, whatever, where they're doing the things. - Oh, ninja warrior. - Like where they're falling in the water. Like all kinds of stuff they like. They do watch The Walking Dead. My little one doesn't, but my 12 year old does. I can't get into it every time I walk in. I'm like, how is this going on for seven years when it's just about zombies and killing people? So I'm so far behind, but I don't care. - Right. - I let him watch that with his dad, with my husband. And then, so yeah, those type of shows we like. Oh, The Bachelor. I completely watched The Bachelor with my older son. - Really? That one surprises me. - He does get bored with it, but he'll watch some of it. And I like it 'cause now I know his type. - He's your son's type. - He will pick, it's always a very traditional, like blonde. - Just like a madam. - Yes. - He's got the same taste as Heidi Fleiss. - He does, like a Emily, but then like he will agree like what makes it and he goes, oh my God, like that girl's so annoying, it would never work out for me. So I said to him the other day, I said, now listen, Drake, I'm driving him to this golf thing. I said, let's just say that like I go to a dinner party. I mean, Mike Fleiss, obviously the show's still going on. It's never going away. - Right. - So this is like 15 years from now, you're 27. And you're doing pretty well 'cause like I helped you up with a business and, you know, you're in the spot. Yeah, you're not a millionaire, but like you qualify or whatever is being successful. Like I said, I don't have to be millionaires anymore. So just kind of a stud. Would you do the bachelor? And he thought about it for a second, he said yes. - And were you happy with that answer or just, okay. - Yeah, I would never want my daughter to do it. - Really? - Yes. - You feel like for a guy, it's good for a daughter. - Totally, total double standard. - Yeah. - Or for the girls to go on it. - Right, right. - Because you have to go as a girl, it's kind of unfair. - You gotta sell yourself. - Yes. - Whereas the guy is the prize. - Yeah, I know, but also would not want him to go and try to win the girl over. - Right. - That just seems really, and I always feel like half of those guys are gay. And they're all unemployed. - Yeah, they're like, I'm trying to be an actor. - Yeah, like I'm a mortgage broker, like a narrator, okay. So, and they're all trying to be an actress, obviously. And they're all, I think 90% of the people on it wanted to career in television. But, anyway, so he said, he goes, okay, yeah, mom, but, you know it'll be so annoying, 'cause you know the producers will do a group date at golf. And they'll, 'cause he's like, will be at golf. And then all the girls be like, (screaming) - I don't know what I'm doing. - I'm doing my golf thing. Like, going on the cards and being stupid. And he's like, that'll really bother me. - 'Cause I would take this very seriously. - Yeah, and I go, what do you think your best friend, Ellis, will like say when there's that moment where the friends meet, and he goes, well, I hope he says that if I'm playing video games, I don't want to be disturbed. But what if the girl wants to bring you a snack? He's like, only if I ask for one. I go, God, good luck. Like, come on, come on, the deck. - The world is gonna come crashing down around you, sir, it's something. - I called him a dick the other day. - Well, you're being a dick. And he goes, well, then you're a vagina. And I go, okay, wait a minute. - It's not their compliment. - I don't know, I go, wait a minute. I guess that's bad that I called him a dick. - Well, so it's interesting that you-- - But he knows what a dick. - He said to me, my husband was supposed to download movies for me, and he didn't-- - Yeah. - For my flight. And he goes, yeah, dad, that was kind of a dick move. And I go, Drake-- - Where did you hear that? - But I kind of loved that he was defending me and realized that that was a dick move. He was the one thing I asked. - You did it appropriately. - Yeah, I took a lot of plane for five hours. At least you can do it, download me a movie. - I remember I had heard the word jerk off, like someone calls someone a jerk off when I was about 13. And I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was an insult. And I was just like, you could say, Jerk, what's the big deal, it's just off at the end. And I said this to my dad, I was like, don't be a jerk off. And he was like, what the hell did you just-- - Yeah. - And I was like, it's like a jerk. And it's just, you know, like, hey, jerk off. - Right. - It was very, it was very interesting. So at least he had context there. - Yes, yeah. - So it sounds like he probably initially just enjoyed watching it with you because it was something to do with you. - Right. - But you managed to turn it into something where you were able to make it like a, like a teachable moment or like a learning thing, which is pretty high-priced. - Yeah, I mean, I was like, how annoying, like the latest Bachelor, there was this girl with me. And she had a voice like this. And she-- - With a flag. - She's a fertility nurse. And she's ready to throw it all away to be on the farm with Chris because they are meant to be together. - That sounds psychotic. - That, she was. - Yeah. - And they will absolutely not end up. Right now he's doing Dancing With The Stars, which is more, boning happens on that than, than couples ice skating. Yes, I know so. And so she'll lose her mind and get jealous. - Dancing With The Stars is like a cruise with 12, 12 guys and 60 girls. - Exactly. - There's four guys, one of them likes ladies. - Yes. - There's 47 ladies sent to show. - Yes, exactly. So, no, I don't think they're gonna make it. - Would you ever do a show like that, Dancing With Stars? - Totally. - Yeah. - I think Dancing With The Stars and Celebrity Apprentice are two of the, they will never hurt you. Like, mostly it's still the majority of the people on them are on their way down, but the few people that are on their way up, I think it's really good for. And I would obviously be on my way up because I'm not famous enough. - I haven't worked in TV for quite a while and knowing the way that the behind in the scenes works. - Yeah. - You didn't fear the stuff that's out of your hands. Like the, how they made me look like this. - Well, I still think Dancing With The Stars is the best, because it's like, you just do your best. And even if you get voted off early, oh, well, you know, you're the least known. - It's pretty black and white, yeah. - Yeah, and it's like, and you get fit, you get like great abs out of it. And you're not doing anything mean to the other people. So, Celebrity Apprentice would scare me a little bit more because there has to be all that shady, like, and you have to talk poorly behind about people's backs, but still, there's something kind of, well, something kind of fun and planning it, but I was watching it recently and I go, I think I would do badly because I don't have that many rich celebrity friends that I can. It's really about how many rich people can you call to donate for this project. Like, if it was my, like, whatever project manager I would do, it would have to involve not getting donations. Like, it would have to be like, we're putting on a show for kids. - It'd be funny if they were like, whoever gets the least donations wins. - Yes. - And they're people like, stop giving me money. No, I'm losing. I would do that. - Right, yeah. - Yeah, that would be great. - When I do it, I have to really decide, like the project manager thing would have to be good for whatever. But like Lisa Lampanelli did it. - Yeah. - And. - Pendulette. - I don't, like, I think, I feel like for her, it just probably was like a fun thing to do. It made me raise her profile a little bit. I don't think it certainly didn't hurt her. - I'm sure it's a hiring instrument. - God knows. - Yeah, like, they may have not known her before and she came off really well. - Yeah. - So it's like, 'cause she really took it seriously and like, had great ideas. And so I think that it's interesting, you know. - Did you used to watch as a kid like Circus of the Stars. - You loved Circus of the Stars and Battle of the Network Stars. - Yeah, Battle of the Network Stars. - So there might be a piece of it too, because like, I think that, I kind of miss those shows. - Yeah. - And dancing with the Stars is the closest thing to probably those. I don't think so much celebrity apprentice 'cause that's not as like-- - But they pick such weird stars now. - Yeah. - I mean, and I think they, I mean, it's interesting what they do, you know. Like, I told my husband, 'cause he brings it up, like, when are you gonna, and he was actually golfs with Lee a Remini's husband. And even he said, "When is Heather gonna be on it?" And, you know, and I met the woman and I've been pitched. And, but then I just saw Suzanne Summers just doing it at 68. So I'm like, you know what? I've got plenty of years. - Yeah. - You know, plenty of years do it, but it is so hard. Like, I'm not, it's so hard. And everybody, my friends that have done it, like Marissa, Jared Winaker did it, and Margaret, they're like, "Margaret, it's really hard." And you kind of wanna be kicked off after a certain point. Like, when you know you're not gonna win, but you do get paid each week that you stay. So I'm very motivated by that kind of money. And to have that many people know my name, 'cause I've just been like a late night cable person. Yes, exactly. And, but I think that with it, I'd said to my husband, I go, "At this point, like the only way I'm gonna get it "is if you die tragically." - And then I have a story on the-- - Yeah, and then it's like, "Will she ever laugh again?" - And for a tire act, it was about him. I get like, I have like a people's story and people, and I go, "You know, not like coming bad, "just like you were like mountain bike riding "and got attacked by like a mountain bike." - Yeah, or something noble, like you was trying to save some kids from a mountain lion. - That would be great. - Then that's even better. - That would be even better. And so I said that, and I go, "Because then I could do my dance "that like re-enacts your death." - Yes. - Kind of like, gently-- - With the keyer weddings song. - Yes, 'cause Leah Remini did the goodbye Scientology dance. - Right. - And that really helped her. And so I want to do like, you know, that. - Trivia. - And he was like, "I think you could still get online. "Maybe if we got divorced or something." I'm like, "No, you don't want to see me." - Yeah, you don't want to see me meet my, you know, "You don't want to make me happy? "Fine, stay living, be selfish." - You got divorced, there were so many people who were like, "I bet he was right." - Yeah. - And then, you know, so that you don't want to have to deal with that. - Yeah, that's the only way. - Yeah. - And, you know, if you just go selfishly on living, then I'm not gonna be on the show. - He's robbing you of an opportunity, really. I think by living, which is, you know, that's, it's a dick move. - Right, it's a dick move. Like, what's speaking of reality shows, like I would never do marriage boot camp or couples therapy. - Right. That really-- - That is the step before reality show death. - Yeah, that is, that is-- - Yeah, in the grave. You either doing that to save your home. - Right. - Like, you literally can't pay the mortgage. - You're screech. - Or, or you've been fired from the Housewives and you're never gonna do anything ever on TV again. And this is your last chance. - You're unfliable. - Yeah, this is your last chance to be on TV. - I don't really watch dancing with the stars, but the thing I like about it and the thing I liked about Circus of the Stars was that they did have to work hard. - Yes. - Like, I've had some people guess on the show who did Circus of the Stars. Actually, some of them were on battle with the networks, which was interesting, but Circus of the Stars, they were like eight months training every day to do their, like, trapeze act. - And why would they do that? - I have no idea. They did a lot of them were just like, I just always wanted to do that. So it's going to be-- - Like, I don't know. Like, when I hear about dancing with stars for eight hours, I'm like, oh my god, I would, like, have to miss my kids stuff. Never, you know, really have to be on eight hours. I'm like, do I have to be that good? - It's a good job. - Like, do I have to be that? And I don't know that I'm enough of a, like, people who are other perfectionists, I'm not a perfectionist. I'm really not. Like, I want to do my best, and if I feel like I prepared the best I could, whether it be an audition or a stand-up set, then I feel, yeah, then I feel like, okay, hey, like, I love myself, and I, like, forgive myself. So I'm always like, hey girl, I gotcha. Like, we're good, like, we're good. Like, I don't know that I would be like, this is what I would do, though. And I don't know why-- - You have a-- - You thought this out. - Oh, I would get the shoes made for me. And I said that to-- - Interesting. What is the, who is the Russian dancer that has been engaged like 15 times? - Oh yeah, I can't think of the name, but yeah. - With the lips. - Yeah. - I asked her, I said, why doesn't, why don't people get shoes made for them? - Yeah. - Because they always get these blisters. - Yeah. - Like, Wendy Williams, that is horrible. She's like, I never thought of that. I mean, like, with all the money in the world-- - You wouldn't think of this. - Like, with all the money in the world, why wouldn't you do that? I also heard that when they know that they're going on it, a lot of people, like, fly down to this guy in Florida. - And do a little pre- and they totally learn all the moves in practice and get really good, like, several times, months before, like-- - She does. - Chrissy, Scientology, Fatty, up and down. - Oh, Chrissy, Chrissy Allie. - Yeah, she did that. - Yeah. - So, the other thing that I would do is I'm really good at imitating people. - Right. - So what I would tell my partner is, teach someone else to dance, 'cause it's always the partner teaches you. - Right. - And send me the videotape of it. - And I'll absorb that. - And I will watch it a billion times, and I will learn it so much better than you telling me over and over again. - 'Cause I'm trying to capture that person. - And I'll capture it, and I'll figure out how to do her, 'cause I'll just be thinking of imitating that dancer. - Did you always do imitations as a kid, like I imagine? - Yeah, I mean, I could imitate teachers and friends. - Okay, so what was people that you knew and were able to-- - Yeah, and that's why when I started to do stand up, when I, before doing stand up, my music teacher at school told me, in high school, like, I don't know why you were on an SC, you really should pursue stand up comedy, and I just didn't understand how like strangers would find me funny. - So they specifically said do stand up comedy? - My music teacher said I should be a stand up, yeah. And I just said, well, if I tell the story about taping the boy's school and the principal's reaction, I go, who would find that funny? Unless they knew-- - They don't know everybody. - I was that dumb that I didn't really realize. Like, I was so dumb that even in college, we got free tickets to the LA improv, and I went, and I was just like, this is the greatest thing, and so then the next week we went, and it was the same people, and they did the same thing, and I was like blown away, I was like finding out about Santa Claus. - Yeah, how are they doing the same thing, they're not just making this up. - I literally thought, any time I saw any evening at the improv, with my parents-- - Just walk off the stage. - I thought they just came up with that stuff. - That was the issue I had when sitcoms were my thing, as a kid, and I still enjoy them, and I didn't recognize that they were writers, so I was always like, well, if you're gonna be funny, you just gotta wait for the right moment, and say the exact right thing. So when I started doing stand-up, that's kind of what I was trying to reverse engineer in a really weird way. So there's definitely that kind of stuff where you don't realize how this stuff is made, and I imagine growing up where you did, and the industry is kind of the biggest money-maker there, that it sounds like you kind of ignored a lot of it, though. - In order to like what? - Like the stuff was being made all around you? - Yeah, I mean, I guess, I mean, no, I knew there were writers of sitcoms. - Did you go to like tapings, or anything like that? - Yeah, I'd go into a couple of tapes. My friend's father was a director of Growing Pains. - Oh, really? - Yeah, so we went to that. - I was going to say it was my favorite. - Yeah, and so that part of it, yeah, that I knew, and I had an agent when I was little, and my commercial that I got was this place called Marine Land. It was like a poor man's sea world. - Okay. - It's in Palace Verdes now. It's kind of like where the Donald Trump golf horse is, and whatever. - Okay. - So the commercial was, whatever their big whale was Shamu had a baby. - Right. - And so my part was I played ball with the baby, the baby Shamu. And we were waiting for the commercial to come out. We were so excited, the team was always on. - Who were you? - Like five. - Okay, it's really low. - And then they said, then the news broke, and they said Shamu ate her baby, or killed it. - So they're not showing that ad? - No. - That should be a TV movie. - And they all, my parents were like, "Oh, that was Heather's part." And they got really sad for me. - But not for the baby. - No, not for the baby. And I was like, "What?" And then they realized like how dumb these people were that they didn't know to separate the baby from the mother. - There's no effort. - Whatever, she had post-partum depression. She clearly had post-partum depression because she wasn't at sea world. She was at the poor man's sea world. - Yeah, yeah. - And yeah, so-- - So never air. - In never air. They were the part where I was jumping on this guy's arm that was like way too young to be my dad. - Yeah. - Because my dad had me at 45. So I didn't, I was like, "This is horrible casting." My dad needs to have white hair. - Why is his teenager being-- - Yeah, like my dad is old. - Or was it teen pregnancy? - Yeah, yeah. - The whole backstory. This teen pregnancy, this couple decided that they would rekindle, but he's gonna go call me. - I mean, clearly he was okay. Like my dad had me like so old that I was like, but yeah, so-- - So you never saw it? - I never saw that part of it. - Okay. - And then we didn't have like a videotape of the commercial. My sister did a lot of stuff. And like I would not book things. Like she was blonde and blue eyed and had freckles and that was a really big thing. And me just being brown hair and brown eyes is like not anything. So then my mom started working in real estate and didn't have time to drive us around. And so then when I got to SC, I didn't even want a major in drama or anything because I was so jaded about the business that I'm like, I'm not gonna be a waitress at 27. I'm gonna be like running a corporation where parents are paying so much for this. - I wouldn't actually have some money. - So then I did communications and like a minor in business. I took as many business classes you could take without doing the hard math or I did like marketing or whatever. And anyway, I had to do a, so one of the classes, one of the stories that I did or the speech was on rape. And then I did like all the statistics and everything. And then I said, and now for an excerpt from extremities starting to be careful. And I did an entire monologue about like poking the guy in the thing, in this small class with like 20 people in their desk watching me. - It didn't think twice about it. - It didn't think twice about it. It just makes no sense. - It just makes no sense. 'Cause I was dying to act so bad. I'm like, thank you. And I said, Dad, this one guy was like an essay, like a normal guy. The class was like, I kind of think you're in the wrong major. Like what are you doing? - You should be in Lee Majors. - Yes. - I mean, you missed that joke? Oh, damn it. It was right there for his taking and he missed it. - That's great. And so, yeah. So I, then I came home and I'm like, can I switch to drama? But it would have taken like another year of school. And it was so expensive that I just wanted to finish. And then my first year out of college, I got this job as an assistant buyer at Robinson's May. - Okay. - 'Cause it's like departments. - Yep, May Corporation. - Right, yeah. And it was so-- - By Fileen's listener. - Yes, exactly, in Lord and Taylor and me. And it was so awful and I was so bad at it because it wasn't creative at all, it wasn't like I was picking fashions. It was like a bean counter and a computer program. - This isn't like, are you being served? - Yes. So I didn't know how to do it. And I eventually got fired and then that's when I started doing standup. - And was it the grounding set? - Yeah, but I actually took a class under the learning annex of my friend, Tommy Tag. And it was that moment where I went to the, it was a one night class at like a Ramana Inn. And I went there and I did an Asian guy doing karaoke so I could do like the Asian accent and the singing. And the strangers all laughed. And I was like, and I got in my Celica from the Santa Monica Ramana Inn. And I was like, okay, now my life's gonna change. Now I'm actually gonna pursue what I know I should be pursuing. Like when you know you have like a gift from God, and I wasn't doing it like when I, yeah, and I was in college like people had, 'cause some people had agents 'cause we were at SC and modeling agents or commercial agents and anybody that had a pager that meant they had an agent. - Were there people carrying fake pagers you think? - No, no, no, not really. It was like, and I just would get like a pang in my stomach. Like you are not doing what you should be doing. You know, you don't have a pager. - Someday I need to start a remake of the Burning Bed. And it's not gonna happen if I'm in this business class. - Exactly, exactly. And so, yeah, so I wasn't, I was jaded like that. - Absolutely. - And I ended up doing like I, I pushed out, even my parents, like I did this one act playing high school and they were like, do you wanna switch? I'd already been accepted. They're like, do you want to? And I was like, no, but then I look back and I don't regret doing drama. I regret not taking advantage of like, like a screenwriting course or something. - Just with the mechanic kind of stuff. - Yeah, like the film writing like, you know, I did take like film classes as electives and stuff. - Semiotics. - Yeah, you know, it was like, I think I took like film, history through film or something. - I see, yeah. - So like you watch, and that I really like. And so it's like, I wish I would have done more that. I wish I would have like, when they were amazing speakers, I wish I would have taken advantage of it. I was just, instead like such the Greek life. - Right. - And 'cause I'd come from this all-girl Catholic high school, so I really want to have fun. - That was comfortable too. - Yeah, I did. - I did all girls, little institution. - I loved this for already life. And then I loved like going like, you know, oh my God, someone's getting pinned and we're drinking at the bar and I would never miss a football game. Like I didn't even go semester at sea because I didn't want to miss the fall season. - Oh, interesting. - Of football because I loved the social. I loved it so much. I was social chair. I was rush chair. Like I fucking love that. - Did you watch a lot of stuff that had, 'cause in the, especially in the, you know, League seven post animal house, that's a huge thing. - Did you ever see that sorority movie with Morgan Fairchild where she like burned against a tree? - Yes, yes. - Yes. - And you still joined a sorority? - Yeah, well my mom was in a sorority too. So she told me like, it's really fun and college is the most fun you can ever have in your life. And I used to think, how can it be? Isn't, aren't the classes hard? - Yeah. - And she was totally right because to me, college was easier than any class I took in high school. - Right, 'cause you had a very strict Catholic school. - And it was really hard high school. Like I really prepared you for college, which was good. - See, I went to a very bad public school and was so disappointed by college because I'm like, it's gonna be like revenge on the nerds and real genius. And-- - Where'd you go? - I went to Northeastern here in Boston, which was, it wasn't at the time. - You know what I did stand up there? - Oh, in Blackmon auditorium? - I did. - I opened, I opened for Patton Oswald there and it was about five years after I graduated. And I went into this big auditorium and I went, this is the first time I've been in the Sanatorium. - Oh, like I never saw any plays or took advantage of any of that kind of stuff ever. - Never. - And I really, I remember like one to one gallery thing because it was required, but the class. And that's where I'm like, God, you were so dumb. And here at SC, like there's these amazing speakers all the time and I could have, the one thing I did go is I saw Ronald Reagan speak. It was a lottery system. I mean, we were such a Republican school that they literally had two protesters when he came, two. - That's it. - Two, yeah. - And they probably-- - And my friend cried that she didn't get it and she named her daughter Reagan. - There's a whole, not after the access system. - No, after Ronald Reagan. And so I did, I did go to that, I did seems. I was probably the only thing that I like to do. - That's just kinda like saying an actor. - Yeah. - I had a question about bedtime for Bonzo. Could you elaborate on what he was like doing with it? - Yeah. - So the interesting thing is most of the people that I know are that I talk to that grew up in the LA or in the Valley, there's no middle ground for the most part. They're either like, when I was born, I knew I wanted to do this because everyone was doing it around before they're like, I didn't want anything to do with it. I was completely jaded by the age of four. - Yes. - That's television 'cause I was like, that guy, that's fake. And so it's interesting to hear. - So I guess I was a little bit like that in that. - Yeah. - It seemed like you were fighting it. - But like, I was fighting, it was always my dream. Like I would practice writing my autographs and stuff. And I was like, well, my dream is to be a famous actress, movie star, TV star. But my other dream was to write books and write the book and then go play with my kids and have the kids come in. And when I was writing my book, my first book, my son was like three. And I would write like all Saturday and Sunday, but I would take breaks and like go swimming with them and stuff. And then I realized, oh my God, that dream has come true. And then of course, doing, and then watching A&E live the improv, I was like, one day I'll be on that stage and my parents will be in the audience and that happened. And then one day I'll be doing a sitcom and my parents will be in the audience and that happens like I started on "Frazier" and that was like a taping. So, you know, I'll be calling my parents to tell them on TV. So like a lot of my, a lot of my dreams have come true. I mean, I hope the kids-- Except being kidnapped by black guys and pushing up so well I'm made out with... Exactly. I don't know if someone needs to make that happen. Was "Frazier" the first TV show that you were on, like a fictional show? I did this, my first show was "Liarasus Lounge" which was this sketch comedy show, yeah, and that. But that was like my first like, like, sitcom taping. Right, right, right. And then I did "Malkum in the Middle" which was single cam and "Watching Ally" and I did this like other show "Quin Tuplets" that was like one season. Which wouldn't be totally alien to you because you had seen these being taped. Oh, yeah. Like, I knew what it was like. 'Cause like a lot of going to the first time they go and they're like, I was terrified. There's an audience. So like, you kind of had a little bit of preparation. It's like you flew to Miami. Yes. It's like playing in advance, which is a pretty good advantage that happened in the area. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, but yeah, I think what's weird, like, I think people are surprised. It's like I have this edging life of being like a comic and stuff. But then my kids go to the exact same Catholic school I went to. I bought the house next door to my parents. It's very traditional. I live a very, I mean, not to pat myself on the back, but I fucking keep it real. She's physically patting herself on the back, everybody, even though she said she wasn't-- I mean, I really keep it real. Like, even one time my friend said, come on, Heather, if you were making a million dollars, would you send your kids to Sierra Canyon? Or these schools are like 30,000 a year. And I'm just like, no, I don't think I would. Like, this is good. It worked for me. It's good. It's $6,000 a year. And it's like, no, because I'm also very conservative about mining. My husband's very cheap, and he's made me that way. And I'm always like, I don't know where I'm going to be in a couple of years. Which is how you have to live when you have-- You have to live in every experience that you have. You're like, I have to take pictures after the show, because one day, I may not have to be able to get this gig in two years. I want people to-- like, these people got to sit there and pay to see me. Like, of course, I'm going to take a picture with them. That's sadly not the norm. I think you're more an exception. Maybe because it just came so late for me. It could be. Although it sounds like you had a good grounding, you know, with a real life situation with your family, which I think doesn't happen for a lot of people that go in the Los Angeles area. You know, and it's like, I make new friends that are, like, in the business. And I totally-- like, I love having dinner with Lisa Vanderpump. But I love me seeing a housewife. And I, you know, love that Kristen Chenoweth tweets me, you know, because we met on Chelsea Lately, like-- And I love that. But really, like, who I'm meeting today is the girl that I met in first grade. And I remembered, because I went to a funeral for someone. And I was like, oh my god, your daughter's in-- like, I saw the mom. And I'm like, your daughter's in Boston. I'm coming here. I've got to call her. And she's not on Facebook. So she wouldn't have even known that I was coming here if I didn't-- and so, like, I really, like-- You're out of your way. I keep in touch with people. Yeah, like, I keep in touch with people. And I'm really good at maintaining relationships. And sometimes that's hard, because I feel like-- sometimes when I'm like a show and Chelsea Lately and stuff, I feel like I'm the one that's kind of trying to keep in touch with people. And-- And they're like, we don't work with you anymore, right? I don't know if they want to hang with them. No, I didn't-- I was like, I want to hang with them. I'm like, oh, my friends, we just work together. We never like-- I kind of feel like there was a couple of fun things and a couple of upset people were like-- and you're joking, because they're all coming in, because they're like, I want to take an office thread and stuff. And I was like, oh. Oh, I feel it. No, I-- OK, maybe you do. Yeah. Like, I think everybody wishes everybody well. But it's like, I don't know, you know-- And that's the weird thing about this industry, too, is that I always say to people that it's not like people you worked with in an office. It's more like people you went to camp with. Totally. So that's the feeling you get. But a lot of people look at it like a job. So you are like, hey, remember when we shared a bunk? And they're like, I started the coffee machine at work. Yeah. And it's like a total disconnect sometimes based on how people look at this. Well, when I was doing groundlings for so many years, it was very-- it's very much like Chelsea lately. Like, definitely people in instances remind me of that. And it's like, it works, sort of repeats itself. So I was like, I loved the groundlings where it was very collaborative. And when we worked together, it was a lot of gossip. And it felt like everything was about making it to main company. And like, how many sketches you had, all that. And it felt a lot like that. Then I'm like, oh my god, 15 years later, 10 years later, I'm kind of doing the same thing on Chelsea lately. But we're getting paid. And it's not just 99 people that are coming to show. So it was much better. But it was a little bit of that, too, of gossipy type of stuff, which I do kind of feed off of. But with that, no, it's like after about six months of groundlings ending, I kind of stopped seeing the people and talking to them as much. And now that I've spent six months, I kind of feel like that a little bit, too. Well, the interesting thing about Chelsea lately-- so did you used to watch the late night shows and let them in later? I would only-- I would stay up late to watch Joan. OK. Yeah. I would like to-- I would tell my dad, I'm doing homework. Could I be doing it in your office? Because he had a TV in his office. So you watched Joan? And I'd only watched Joan. Her show was great. And it was-- No, or when she was-- Was guest hosting? Yes, I would watch that. She would do weeks of guest hosting. Yes, she absolutely will. Yeah, and so that whole time, I would do it a whole week. And so those shows built comedian's career is at the time. And I feel like the only show that's done that in the last 20 years is probably Chelsea. I know. It's amazing. It has featured on there a lot. It had people sort of branded by the show in a lot of ways. Not with a hot iron branded. I mean, like McDonald's branded. And that is amazing. And I think it's kind of lost in the world now, because we're supposed to have that gone. But there's nothing else doing that. You don't think @midnight's doing that? I don't think so. You know why I don't think so? Is because what was great is from the moment-- I got it to be a writer. And I pursued Chelsea. We were just acquaintances. And I was like, I want to write on the show. And it was like, I was a mom that just got back into doing stand-up. And I knew if I don't get a real job in this business, I never am. So it's like, I heard about her show. And my other friend was like, you know, it's going to be a total of Ryan. It's every day. I'm like, I don't care. And my husband was always super supportive of whatever I wanted to do. Except murder him. Right. Well, I'm not going to murder him, because I'm not going to get away with it. Well, write up his eventual death. Yes. To be on the dance at the stars, which is huge. It's 8 million New York's. It's 8 million New York's. So by the third episode, they were like, no, we want you on the round table. And then right away, they didn't recognize it. When Chelsea knew people, she was just much better. So then we eventually made it to all three comedians. And then she really became this really fun thing. And then it wasn't supposed to be sketches, and then we started doing sketches. It was organically fun. And then the executives pursued writer actors and stuff. And then we had after lately became this thing. But one thing that I did early on-- and I would tell people to do it when they're going on-- unlike when you're writing your jokes and your comments, make it that only you can say that joke. And so right away, I was always like, Peter, and my kids, and Catholic, and sorority life, and USC, and da-da-da-da. Why do you do all these things? Because it's a name Peter. Right, so then it would really help. Because then when I would open for Chelsea or go do standup, and I could tell then I would tell more elaborate stories about my family and stuff, they all, like, people then knew that. Oh, she's the one that's the mom and da-da-da. And sometimes people would be like, really, you have kids? Like they didn't-- well, I'm like, you weren't listening. Isn't that just a fit? You weren't listening for seven years. But that is why I think it established that. You knew that Josh Wolfe had a son. You knew that Joe Coy had a son. You knew that Joe Coy had an Asian mother. But you did. And then you started to really start to get their personalities or point of view. Which is hard to convey in the current television age when first it was standup, which is all about, let's cut them up into Twitter-type jokes, and so we can put them online. You don't get to do anything. And it's interesting when all the Twitter start came. Twitter, where they're getting full-on deals to write movies and stuff. And I'm like, OK. And it's interesting because it went away. It went away. It's like, no, we gave all these people these deals. And they didn't-- they don't know how to do it. Yeah. It's a different skill set, if you want to call it a skill set. You can argue either way. But I think old media, anytime something new comes around, they go, we have to figure out how to get money off this. And they throw money at it. And then they go, that was the wrong thing to do. Right, yeah. Yeah, so it doesn't work. And in sort of a-- in a lot of ways, the Chelsea lately thing is very old-fashioned. Yeah. It's a very old-fashioned way to introduce people to characters and you're occurring things, and that's what makes things enjoyable. And when we changed it, it was like the guys in the suits at night, they come up with eight topics, and they write jokes on eight topics, and the host says it. And I'm like, she has a different-- we created a different monologue about a clip or something going on. And then, actually, her monologue jokes are throughout the panel. And she was so great at improvising and then having fun, and then it became such an interpersonal thing. Yeah, and it's really-- and it's interesting, because lately, more and more, I'm feeling like, wow, there really is a void for that. And Nate didn't replace it. And he could have figured out something and utilized us. But no, I don't know if they were just so hurt and thought that we were against them, which we weren't. It was her decision. It was her show. And she was wonderful to all of us, and she wanted to do something else. It's like, OK, fine. But we would have tried to do something together, had someone approached us, and said, well, wait a minute. We've got this whole group of people at this building and this spot. Let's see if we can't do something. And it was no. And even Joel McHale was like, oh, god, they must be calling you guys up to get deals. And they were like, no, no. They want nothing to do with us. And it was like-- and it's a shame, because then I know they did some pilots and stuff that they didn't pick up. And now Grace Hedberg, who's a YouTube girl, she's going to have a show. And I think she's funny and very pretty. And I'm kind of curious to see, are her YouTube fans that subscribe and watch her three-minute bits, are they going to turn on the TV and watch it? It's very different. I mean, it'll be really kind of interesting to see, because if it is successful, then I think more and more people will be looking that way. But I kind of feel like it's two different medium. And you know, I don't know. Well, it's like when they go, this guy's a famous actor. Or this guy's a famous golfer. Let's make him an actor. It's like, maybe that works occasionally. But that's not the same thing. It's almost like that where you would see football stars. Terry Cruz. Terry Cruz is one of the million talent. And when I wrote White Chicks with the Williams Brothers, and I had a small part on it, so I spent the week in Canada. And Keenan really, I want to say, discovered him. Because I remember he goes, I'm like, who's going to play this part? He goes, oh my god, this guy is hilarious. He literally just finished his football career. And he was so funny in that movie. That made him. And he really is a completely sweet, grateful, gracious, lovely, in every way. And now he's doing-- But he could have done that, probably, if he didn't do football. He has that skill. It's like, for every-- Exactly. You have Randy Macho Man, Savage trying to be in an action movie, and it's not quite working. Right. I mean, he could improvise. He was just naturally funny. And then, of course, he was the dad in the Chris Rock Show. And he's amazing. And I feel like YouTube is the new-- whatever the new web is, is sort of the new NFL. For that, as far as feeding people in. But what it is, my kids do watch that, and I'll watch something. And I'm like, they just stole that from a living color. But my kids don't know that. They're like, oh my god, look how funny this is. Those two guys that did that racket thing, ratchet. And they put it on, America's Got Talent. And people are like, you don't get it, this is so funny. And I think it was like, hey, it was either-- it was Howard Stern that's like, I don't find this funny. We've seen this. This is in a living color. And then they had to do another thing, so they did preachers, and it totally failed. Yeah, because they didn't have the singer rip off. Yeah, we're like, oh, we're going to just try to be-- but them acting like Jamie Foxx as a character. Well, I think people and kids, unlike us and when we grew up in our generation, where you had exposure, not intentionally, to the entire history of television. Well, my stepdaughter just discovered friends on Netflix. And she's like watching the whole thing, which I think is great. Like, that is a fun, funny, smart, written show that is-- She had to actively pursue it. Yes. So she's already interested in it. Yeah, well, she's really smart, so she's like, yeah. She likes 90 stuff. It's really weird. Like, she loves-- Retro 90 stuff? Yes, she loves retro-- she liked-- like, the day that she found out that Kirk Hovain killed himself, it was very sad. She did not know that. He was her eldest. Yeah, she was like, do you know that Kirk Hovain killed himself? I'm like, yes, Courtney loved it then. Let me share this document. But I was like, it's got a fun, like, yeah, I know. But she was really sad, because she didn't know. She just found the music. And it's like, that's really cool about the internet, too, that they-- It's there. Yeah, they can discover these different things. And they're very curious and very smart. But at the same time, they're seeing a lot of really lame, bad comedy on YouTube. Right, they have to wait for it. And it'll be interesting to see what these kids who grew up like this make in 10 years and 20 years based on what they grew up. But I'm curious to see what where it goes with that stuff. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. [MUSIC PLAYING] There you go, Heather McDonald and her very strange bucket list. Could you talk to her for even longer than we did? Patty Hearst, weirdly, hasn't really come up that much on the show. So maybe I'll do a Patty Hearst special. Maybe I'll do an episode with Patty Hearst. That would be ideal. If anyone knows Patty Hearst or Patty Hearst, if you're a listener, please email me at TVGaddenscounselor@gmail.com or kin@ikenread.com. And we'll set it up. We'll set it up. We'll do it. As always, you can reach me at those addresses or on our Facebook page or at TVGaddens on Twitter. You can also go to TVGaddenscounselor.com for more information about my guests as well as links to all their social media stuff where you can buy their books, where you can see them. And when they come to your town, which you should do, we have a new episode every Wednesday. So make sure you subscribe on iTunes. And if you like the show, please rate and review the show. It helps people hear about the show. And that's what I want. I just want people to listen. I don't have ads. I don't charge you anything. I just like people listening. It's nice for me. It's a warm feeling. So anyway, we'll see you again next time for a brand new episode of TVGaddenscounselor. [MUSIC PLAYING] Julie isn't that cool. Like her mouth was weird. They had the greatest time ever. Because these girls were drunk and horny. I mean, they got laid over and over again. On a boat?
