August 5-11, 1989.
TV Guidance Counselor
TV Guidance Counselor Episode 22: James Adomian
No. I just like to read the TV guide. Read the TV guide. You don't need to change it. [Music] Helly well and welcome to TV guidance counselor. It's Wednesday. It's time for a brand new episode of TV guidance counselor. As always, my name is Ken Reed and I am your TV guidance counselor. I want to thank you again for coming and checking out the show. If you're a new listener, welcome. I hope you enjoy it. If you're a long-standing listener, thanks for coming back. I always appreciate people coming and listening to the new episodes, going back and downloading the old episodes. And I love getting your emails, so keep those coming in. My guest this week is James Adomian. You've definitely seen him on things. You've definitely heard him on things. You might know him from last comic standing. A comedy bang bang. He's an amazing impressionist, does a ton of characters, and he's also just a really funny comedian as himself. He's got a really great comedy album out called "Low Hanging Fruit" that you're going to want to purchase. And you can find all his stuff at JamesAdomian.com, see if he's coming to your town. He recently came to my town. He was recently in Boston, so I grabbed some of his time and we recorded this episode. So I think he'll enjoy it very much. Please enjoy this week's episode of TV guidance counselor with my guest, James Adomian. [music] [music] James Adomian. How are you? I'm great, Ken. How are you? Good. Thank you so much for doing the show. Welcome to my home. I've assaulted you with donuts and money done. Delicious donuts and you didn't even taste to your dog, I might add. Yes, he was very good. We marinated him for two months. You picked a TV guide from the week of August 5th through the 11th, 1989. Yes, I did. What drew you to this particular issue? Well, '89 was my favorite year, particularly that summer. I did a lot of swimming and hanging out and being a kid. And I didn't do a lot of TV watching back then. So I got good memories. There's a lot of shows that I did watch, but I figured, wow, how fun if I was a couch potato one night. Right, right. Instead of just doing athletic things and as kids should do. You know, I went back with it with the wisdom that I have now. Yes. And I was like, well, of course I'm going to watch these things, but what if I also watched this? Yes, exactly. Mostly it's just kid things. It's mostly just kid things that you would have watched at the time. Summer in 1989, for some reason I equated with Bat Dance, which was very big that year. Yes, it was all Batman. Frankly, we weren't watching TV. We were watching Batman three or four times in the movie theater. Over and over again. I remember there's a kid who came into my school wearing bat jeans. There were actually jeans that had Batman symbols down the legs. Yellow and black. Bat jeans. Yeah. And at the time, I've ever made fun of them. Hubba, hubba, hubba. Money, money, money. Who do you trust? I would wear bat jeans now. And it was bat dance. And then also Michael Damien's rock on from Dream A Little Dream. Those were the two songs I equate with the summer of '89. You were hot swimming. I was listening to Michael Damien. We both made it. Yeah, we both made it through. Let's just jump in Saturday night, seven o'clock. We're at a Central Time Edition. August 5th, 1989. Where do you go? We're starting out 7 p.m. Looney Tunes, Nickelodeon. Good pick. I was obsessed with it. Yeah, that makes sense to me too, because Looney Tunes was the area that I really learned about classic film actors. There were probably more stuff I know about 1940s movies. Right, because you know what Clark Gable will walk by and be like, "Hey, Daffy Duck!" Yeah, or just someone doing Jimmy Duranty or James Cagney and all this stuff. And I don't think there's an equivalent thing that's sort of like a crash course for kids now in old movie stars. Nobody cares. No one cares. They really don't. And I always liked that Nickelodeon would use Looney Tunes as the transition between Nickelodeon and Nick at Night. Yes, they would ease into it. Because it was like, "You okay? It's for adults kind of, but keep watching kids." Right, this is okay. Who's your favorite Looney Tunes? Daffy Duck. It's Daffy. It's definitely Daffy Duck, particularly the early Daffy Duck when he... He's insane. Most of the gags are, he lit something on fire and then goes jumping off through the pond. Right, right. So like terrorist Daffy Duck. Yes, I want insane Daffy Duck. Later on, you know, he gets put upon. They put him in space and stuff, which is still funny. I love all that. They try to make him look a little silly later. He had dignity in the beginning. Later on, the game became, "Let's make Daffy angry." Yes. And I loved it when he was the one just pulling ridiculous pranks on everybody else. For no reason, too. He just had no motivation whatsoever. He was a Daffy. Exactly. He was only going to live eight years anyway. It's everything you need to know right there. So I normally would have watched Looney Tunes, but tonight there was a pretty great thing on which you had questioned earlier. It's Friday the 13th, the series. Yeah, I was looking at that. I would not watch it because I was scared back then and I still am now. So you didn't watch any horror stuff when you were growing up? It was always some cool kid. Some kid was trying to hang out with or something and be like, "Oh, are you a scary movie?" Like, he'd never handle it. Right. And then I wasn't cool. Would you go to like a sleepover and then have to bail out with some kind of... Or have some excuse or be in the back of the room not looking at the TV? Yeah. Just be like, "I need something bad, so I have to be in the bathroom all night. I'm really sorry." I'm not scared. I think I just heard something. Yeah. I think I heard an actual murderer. We had this kid used to sleep over my house frequently and I would rent horror movies and he would clearly be scared. Like, he would basically be crying. But his excuse was always he had to go home because he ate too much pizza. Even if we didn't have pizza, and I'm like, "We didn't have pizza." I ate it Oreo. I ate it like a week ago and I think it's still in here. It would make me fit. So the premise of Friday the 13th of the series is that two cousins who are romantically involved, true, inherit an antique store from their Satanist uncle and have to collect all of the cursed antiques that are killing people across the country. From their Satanist uncle. From their Satanist uncle. Oh, they have to buy back the things that he sold? Yeah, they have to get his manifest and figure out where these things ended up. It has nothing to do with the movies. It just used the name. And this one is a pretty good one. Daddling kids ruining my sickness plan. This is the predatory fiancé of a hapless pool hustler, gives him a cue that turns him into a winner and raises Mickey's suspicions about his origins. It's about a haunted pool cue. I guess that wouldn't be scary. I guess I should have given it a shot to get into the laughing at the horror. Yeah, I can't see how that could potentially be scary. And the woman who played Mickey was an actress who went by the name Robie. That's it. No last name, just Robie. Robie. Robie. And she's in all the episodes. She's in all the episodes. She put out an album that was a cover. Okay, that's why she had one name. She knew there was a music career. Yeah, I'm huge. I'm going to be the next Madonna. I'm Robie. Her first single was a cover of Murray Head's One Nighting Bang Clock. So then we go on to eight o'clock. You're watching an hour of Looney Tunes. What did you go with at eight? Eight. I'm switching over for half an hour of a movie that I almost watched the whole time. But you know what? I just really want to see the end of this. It's twenty thousand leagues under the sea. And it's playing on ABC. Not necessarily a fan, but the last half hour is the part with a big octopus and all the crazy stuff. That's true. That's true. The squid. The squid that eats the submarine. And that's all you need to see from that movie. That's pretty much the whole movie right there. So this is the 1954 version. The rest of it is Captain Nemo going, "Can you believe it? We make scallops that taste like good beef down here under the sea." This is just like, "What? What do you mean? Put me back on the ocean where I belong?" I am terrified of the sea. I will not go into the ocean. I won't go out in a deep ocean. Really? What do you do? Do you go to the beach in the daytime and go deep? I won't go. I won't really even do that. Really? If I can't see the bottom, I'm legitimately afraid of giants. So you don't care that, "Oh, these other people aren't getting eaten." Yeah, because that means that I'm more likely to sleep. You think they would go straight for you? Yeah, I'm more likely to be eaten if they're not being eaten. If someone was being eaten actively, I would go in the water. They should put up a sign at the beach to make you less afraid that says no one has been eaten here since 1942. Yes, that would be helpful. I remember my mother used to make us go to the beach every Tuesday and Friday in the summer. We'd have to get up at five in the morning and go to the beach with her and I would sit in a tent. I brought a tent and I would sit and read comics and eat bagels. Some friends and I had this theory that senators didn't read letters. People sent to them. So we wrote a letter to Ted Kennedy saying we were offended by fat people at the beach and there should be a separate fat beach in Massachusetts for people over a certain way. No. It was horrible. It was hilarious. That's hilarious. It was really mean like there should be inspectors. I wanted to write back and go. I was personally offended. I do not believe it says doable. I believe I should be allowed at all beaches. I did pass a law in 1961 against this very thing. He did his office wrote back saying they liked our suggestion. Really? Let's prove to us they did not read it because we said that anyone who was caught on the beach for a second time would be branded with the words too fat. That wasn't really the way. So yeah. Maybe I think he may have actually signed off on that. Either way, it's bet. Either he's not reading his constituents legitimate concerns or he thinks that's a good idea. Either way, he loses. Or he is a really deep and dark maybe I'll get to it file. Yes, yes. We'll do that someday. I was swimming on Cape Cod once. I was staying with some friends when I was like maybe 10 and I kind of zoned out and when I looked around I was really far from the shore. And there were these guys fishing. Have you ever seen a bluefish? What? No. Like a tuna? No, it's called a bluefish. It looks like a barracuda. And it's the only animal that I know of that has this as an anticoagulant in its saliva. So if it bites you, it just never stops bleeding. Oh, shit. They want you to bleed out. Bleed out and then it'll eat you. And for no apparent reason, my dad just told me that fact one day when I was a kid. So I'm swimming in this water and these guys go, "Hey, kid! This place is teeming with bluefish!" And the guy pulled one out of the water and it was a huge fish and I panicked and just started sinking. And someone had to help me. Yeah, I don't have good beach times. Good beach times. This sounds like a night now. It was just like a couple years ago. This was two days ago. No, I was about maybe 12 or 13. Yeah, it was pretty rough. Yes, I'm in the beach. Me and the beach, not a good time. Let's get you an artificial beach. Do you like the artificial beach down at like water parks? No, yeah, I'll do that, lazy river. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. And here's the word thing. I'm obsessed with surf culture. Love it, love surf music, surf and all that kind of stuff. Never been surfing. Well, I guess the beach boys didn't actually surf, did they? No. And Dick Dales from Quincy, Massachusetts. Originally, it's surf time in England, surf and days. If you're singing about it, you don't need to do it. Yeah, so I don't know if I would have gone with the 20,000 weeks under the sea. I think it would have been very terrified. Terrifying. Well, I would have screened it at the beach, of course. Yeah. We went on this vacation once and they screened Jaws in a pool. They had like rafts in the pool and they showed the movie Jaws on the side of this wall. And I didn't do that. I was not into that. Jaws is both boring and terrifying. That's true. Can I say that? Yeah, I think that's accurate. It's terrifyingly boring. Right, and I don't look, like I'm not like a kid anymore. I can appreciate a boring movie, but like a lot of my favorite movies are boring. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, it makes you wait to see him tag up some kids. Yeah, it's like a two and a half hour movie. You could probably cut that to 30 minutes of just highlights. Yes, let's have, let's get to Jaws clips. I want me to watch horror, skip the stuff, skip straight to the groove. I want to see the groove. So I probably would have gone with the movie as well, but I would have stuck with this movie for the rest of the night and it's Adventures in Baby City. Oh, really? It was there? I want that movie. Yeah, it started on Showtime. It was a great movie. Good. I was too modest to go with Showtime. Adventures in Baby City is a classic. It really is. It's a great way to spend Saturday night. Yeah, it's like after hours for children. Yeah. It's a great movie. So let's move on to Sunday night, the Lord's Night, of course. And where are you going with it? Seven o'clock, I'm Looney Tunes again. You're Looney Tunes again? I can't. In a row. You can't get it out. So is that something you watch every single day? It was only on, I only saw those two nights and I vividly remember watching it every opportunity I could on Nickelodeon as well as STTV on Nickelodeon. This is later at night. Yeah, Nick and Night used to. STTV might be my favorite sketch show of all time. Yeah, it's the best. It's pretty amazing. Nobody, it felt like nobody was watching it. Yeah, like you were getting away with something watching it? Yeah. Like they knew that they were probably funded by the Canadian government and they didn't. Yes. And they were just putting stuff up that kids would watch and no one else. My favorite thing about STTV as well is that it rewarded you for watching it so they would call back stuff from years and it just built this world like no other sketch show that I can even think of and so it seemed to have a legitimate excuse for reoccurring characters and not just like people like this catchphrase. Right. They would come back in an organic build way and plus Rick Manus got to play more than just the nerd. No, his George Carlin is the reason I don't like George Carlin. His George Carlin is great. What else did he do? Will Allen early on before a lot of people did? Yeah. And nobody did George Carlin. He did these amazing impressions. Yeah. He got typecast in movies as a nerd. But he was like a, he was like a dynamic. Oh yeah. What do you call it? Utility player. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And he would always do these really weird characters too and he would do things where it was just him in the sketch and what I read was that the other people on the show didn't really interact with him that much and he would shoot these things on his own and it was jerry-todd. Yeah. And they would sit on the show and just be like, okay, Rick. All right, Rick. You did it. Yeah. He puts out albums now. And he just put on a music? Yeah. Of Jewish songs, Jewish holiday songs, original Jewish holiday songs, and you can buy the albums on his website in packs of six or eight that come with Yamakas. Really? Yeah. I should do this. Let's just support Rick Manus. Guys, let's get out there. Rick Manus.com. Let's jump in. And then you get a Yamakas signed by Rick Marritt. Have you ever seen the sketch where he plays the Hollywood producer that's doing talk shows? Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's a talk show hosted by a Hollywood producer and he did the worst possible talk show. 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I'll give you a good one. I don't mind talking when I'm dancing. Perfect. I think it's wonderful. 10 minutes sketch. 10 minutes sketch. 10 minutes sketch. You know, she made a lot of people laugh once. Yes. And she, her biggest fan, has clearly been Rupert Murdoch. Yes, absolutely. For 30 years. Yeah, absolutely. And he probably was just like, I like her music. And I'd like her to record more albums. Tracy, she was great for a blog. She was the only person. She was the only person who could swallow my cum. But she'd do it as different characters. Which is what I liked. I have one for this. What do I, he just had a wheel. He'd be like, today you're, let's see. I won't try to do a ray on a happen. You're a cab driver. So I would have realistically watched Tracy Omen at this time. But I was intrigued by what was going on on TNN that night. Which was the Nashville network. They had that. Yes. Which turned into Spike later. Oh, that turned into Spike. So it's a Turner phenomenon. It's a Turner phenomenon. Which you grew up at this time in Turner country. Yeah. In Atlanta. Coca-Cola. Ten Turner. TBS was a broadcast station down there. Yeah. And so we, when we didn't have cable, we could watch everything on TBS. Yeah. And it was, I wonder if it still is a broadcast station Atlanta. I think it is. So there are three things called Superstations. So WGN and Chicago is a Superstation and TBS is one that has a local broadcast but then also carried by basic cable stations across the country. I love it. They allowed it. Yes. We'll allow it. All right. We'll allow it. Fine. And weirdly, Ted Turner, there was a radio station here in Boston called WMBR. It's MIT's station. And it was originally called WTBS. And Ted Turner bought the call letters from them for $10 million. And that money still funds that station today. Really? Yeah. Because he sat on it. Yeah. He wanted TBS for Turner broadcasting. I want that goddamn name. It'd be funny if everything. They threw around $1 million for contest, threw around $10 million for call letters. Yeah. Nowadays, you would never pay that much money. You just kill the guy. That's how they do it today. It's because Obama ruined America. And Reagan's world, we just all had this money. And Reagan's world, we would have pulled ourselves up by a bootstraps and got your own call letters. You can't even buy bootstraps now. They're all made in China. I want two bootstraps and they're like, we don't know what you're talking about. It was terrible. But did everything in Atlanta start on the '05s? Yes. It was cool. It was stupid. Oh, and the entire city? The entire city. Everything will be 905. Yeah. I'll meet you in five. I'll meet you. Okay. I'll be right there. I'll meet you in five minutes and 15 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Everything is five percent more. So, until then that night, there's a truck and tractor pole. Competition takes June 22nd in El Paso. And then at 830 is a show on the same channel called Trucking USA. We were simple people. Yeah. We were simple people. Did you watch a lot of stuff down there? Wrestling, which I'll get to, actually, tomorrow. Yeah. You know, there was always a round, I guess. There's always been bullshit truck stuff my whole life. Yeah. And I don't understand it. Did you not feel very southern down there? Like, it really speaks to you. No, I do. But, like, I was, like, a city kid in the south. Yeah. So, like, we watched Transformers and, like... Yeah. And you, like... We went swimming. Like, swimming in, like, pools. Yeah. That of, like... Swimming holes. Yeah, right. Exactly. If you fill up this tire, you can swim in it. We would make fun of country kids. Which is dangerous. Like, we would come to our school in the city of Atlanta. Right, right. We're like, "Oh, he sounds country." And then I moved to L.A. the next year in 1990. And they made fun of me. Tastier on medicine. Like, I came from a swamp. Right. I would be like, "Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta." Just like a slight, to me, like a slight accent. And they were like, "Oh, my God! How do you sound like that?" Where's your moonshine? Right. Yeah. That is rough. Although, probably somewhat deserved if you were making fun of the... That's karma biting in the end a little bit. I've ridden the karmic wheel several times. And I want to ride it a few more. Yes. Well, it's fun. It's a fun ride. Yeah. Especially if it's on a big truck. Did you ever go to, like, a monster truck rally or anything? Um, I've never been to a monster truck rally. Um... What if I fuck? I've been to... I've been to little things where there's just like, you know, a little muscle car that runs and slams into pile of hay or something. Put it unofficially. Yeah, unofficially. Yeah. It's just some Halloween thing. Cause like a few kids I knew from down south, they would do things like, "Yeah, oh, on Friday night, we get a truck and we keep trying to drop it up this hill." And sometimes it flips over. Dumb. Yeah. And I'm like, "All right, fair enough." I know someone who died doing that. Really? It's fun. They were like trying to... God knows. That's horrible. It's terrible. Some kind of bet or blackmail you never know. Well, most things fall into one of those three categories. Fun, bet or blackmail. That's a great TV show. Fun, bet or blackmail. Yeah. Fun, bet or blackmail. What is this man doing this? And there's a guy with sunglasses and a toothpick. He's clearly the one who's being blackmail. Yeah, yeah. He just has a little kid at the top of a Ferris wheel. All right. Do it. Do it. Save your pop. It's fun. So on Monday night now, 7 o'clock. Alf, there's no question about it. Dude, I heard Alf. Alf, I had a backpack that had Alf on it when it was in first grade. And you pulled the string and it went, "I'm from Mel Mac." It was a smart ass backpack. Yeah. And then you'd pull it again and it would go, "I eat cats." What a bizarre concept. I fucking loved it. It was on from the first grade till... The '86 to '91. This I would have been in fourth grade. So it was on three or four years. So probably most of your life at that point. Yes. You were spending more than half of my life. And he was a smart ass from another planet. Yeah. He said funny. It was like a muppet, but he was walking around in a sitcom house. Sometimes he was a guy in a suit. Sometimes he was a puppet. Paul Frusco played Alf, who's actually from the Boston area. Oh, yeah. He thought he was going to be the next Jim Henson. And he produced three or four Christmas specials that never took off. One of them started at O'Neill for Marrow children. And he was really bitter and created Alf. That was his last ditch effort. Really? And it worked. Good for him. Yeah, it worked. Did you ever see permanent midnight or read Jerry Stahl's book? No. So Jerry Stahl was a heroin addict. And he used to... His first job was... He wrote... He used to take the letters. People wrote to Penthouse, England, and Americanized them. He had an English degree from NYU. And he wrote this porno movie called Cafe Flesh. It was the first screenwriting job he got. And his idea was I'll write the sex scene so unappealing. They'll just cut them out and release it like a real movie. Which obviously didn't happen. But this woman who is... I love the insane logic of trying to make a movie that you... Like the producers kind of logic. That will never work. But yeah. So the woman who was the executive producer of Alf saw this movie and hired him to read for Alf. Oh my God. So Alf was full of people who had given up or trying to do something else. Yes. You can see that explains something because I saw it not long ago, right? I saw it like a rerun. Yeah. And I remember loving it as a kid. I love this attitude. I was the right demographics for us. This is right. Yeah. But then you watch it. And Alf has a lot of quips about just what's going on in the news during the 80s. Yeah. Like, Alf is an alien from another planet. But he gets here and very quickly, what does he have to talk about besides... Hey, Nancy Reagan! Like, why is Alf talking about that? There's no reason for him to talk about that. If these writers thought they were auditioning for the Tonight Show or something. They thought they were better than that. And then also, I think it would be very difficult to write lines for Willy. Just I couldn't... Alf. You can't do that. The ochmanics are here. Yeah. Alf, don't eat the cat. Alf. Don't be lucky. Did you all used to... I love put upon a straight men character. Yes. Exactly. Put upon by who had a wife that would never have been married to him. Of course. And he has an alien living in his house. And did you ever used to watch the... He should have turned him in. That's the answer. Alf should have been frog marched down to NASA and dissected an alien. But that's what happened in the final episode. That's right! Yeah. He got captured by the CIA or something and they implied that they killed him. Oh, that's hilarious. And that's how it ended. Did you used to watch either of the Alf cartoons? They were on, but they didn't capture my imagination, I guess. I think that was very strange. It was called Alf Tales. And it was retellings of famous fairy tales with Alf in them. Dumb. Which is really weird. Hey, I've got a gingerbread house. Yes. It's me, really. It's me! Smart crackin' here! Yes. What makes more sense than Alf and Cinderella? I would have watched Kate and Allie because when I was nine years old, I really identified with single middle-ish women. Which is not even a joke, sadly. Were you nine then, too? It was nine, yeah. Me, too. At the same age. Yeah, I definitely would have watched this. Although, every time MacGyver is in TV, I feel obligated to read the synopsis. That was my next. Because, I mean, I was gonna watch the second half of MacGyver because what else? Yeah. By the second half of the hour, he's exploding things. That's one of the good stuff that's happening. Right. The evil bad guy business man with half bald head is kind of losing. This one is an escaped convict, Hunt's MacGyver, and the potential killer could be any number of villains MacGyver, Thornton, and Jack Dalton can recall. It's a whodunit. Now, what was MacGyver's excuse for fighting bad guys? He looked for a shady organization called the Phoenix Group that they never said what they were. Oh, what they did. Oh, so they were like Blackwater? Yeah. They were like Blackwater. Yeah, mercenaries. You all over North-type guys. Exactly. So, pretty much it was a dramatization of the Oliver North. Okay. Yeah, and you never found out, the final season they told you, but you never found out if MacGyver was his first or last name, you never knew anything about him other than he worked for the Phoenix organization, that was it. And they were good, a shadowy good guy? Yes, yeah. See, now they would, they'd pull the rug out and be like the whole time they were actually the bad guy you were working for. Right. We're a shady pseudo-government paramilitary group. We have hired you to drive in a Jeep just down this highway till something happens. Was he ex-military? He never really said. They do. Oh, he was just a handyman. He was just a guy. They were like, they were like, we could recruit from special forces in any of the English-speaking nations or any of our client states around the world, but this handyman down at my apartment complex is really good. He fixed my toilet with a coat hanger, and I think we should send him to Amish Country because they need help. He's to Amish Country because somebody's hiding cocaine. Absolutely. So I probably would have watched some of that as well, but at 7.30 I will say that there was the first and only time this aired, this was a pilot, because it's summertime now, and they're burning off pilots they didn't picked up. Nobody's watching. Everybody's like me out swimming in the pool. Exactly. So they didn't do this. Learn and to hold your breath for a whole minute. I can hold my breath for a long time. Was it a public pool, or did you have your own pool? Both. Really. Like pool junkies, we'd hear about a pool and be like I want to go with the air. Would you guys pool hop in Strangers Pool? Yeah, plus we were on the swim team, so I was a good swimmer, so we'd compete around the city and stuff. Do you still swim now? Yeah, but I'm not. I stopped for a long time, so I just swim for fun, and I can slowly backstroke, and I can swim all the things I used to slowly. Right. That's pretty good. Either or not, I can still butterfly, but I look like an old dolphin. I look like an old monster from a comic book, I guess. That's nothing. I need like a toy that's like a submarine that I can wrap my fat around. I used to do swimming lessons at the YMCA, and I had, I guess my hair was too long, and they said I had to wear a swimming cap, or I couldn't go in the pool, and I told them to fuck off. We had to wait. Really? Yeah, and so I stopped. I was not allowed back there anymore. This was in Boston. Yeah, I was like, I'm nowhere in a swimmer. Fuck off. Fuck off. I love the way Boston works. Exactly. It's a very weird place that is inherent in all our souls, for those of us who got to go. All right, well, you got to excuse slip for being sick yesterday. You can click off sick family emergency or fuck off. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That is acceptable. My son was sick. Don't worry about it. What's that? So the Ed Begley Junior Show was on, which, what the, I didn't, what, it did not make it past the pilot. Okay. This was, this was the pilot. This was the pilot. So they don't do this now. Most things don't get a full pilot. They just get a 15 minute like demonstration. Tell me about it. Most, most, most things get the script passed around the office, and then they go, you know what, shouldn't we have, there's a lot of excuses for why we won't do this. I don't see it. I just can't say it. But this time they would make actual pilots. I love it, but my boss won't like it. Now no one else can ever buy it because we bought it to not do it, right? Yeah. So this was, they would, they used to air pilots, they would shoot pilots, and then they would lose money if they didn't air them. So they'd burn them off in the summer because it was the only thing that was new programming when everything else was reruns. So they would get a decent rating for it, but they just didn't pick the show up. So summertime you'd get all kinds of pilots, they would just burn them off. And so this was the Ed Begley Junior Show, and this one, Ed Hobo Hobart played by Ed Begley Junior. Looking for a job after his kitty show is canceled, Phil's a seat on the Seattle City Council vacated by his wife, who left to have their baby, and then it, just to add insult to injury, says a pilot, not on CBS's announce fall schedule, just so you don't get too into it. They want you to know. Oh, they tell you that it's a pilot. That's what they tell you. Yeah. So that you're not like, is my favorite show? Where is it? They're like, if you like this, just know it's not coming back. That's sad. It is. All right. And if you like it, you're weird, because nobody else does. We've preemptively told you, I will go on the state with you, but just so you know, there'll be no more. I'm looking out for other people. None. It's never happening again. So eight o'clock. What are you going with? WWF wrestling on USA Monday night, better believe it. You're a huge wrestling fan. I am a huge wrestling fan. I'm not nearly as much as I was back then, and I didn't have cable at the time. So I would love whenever I got a chance to see WWF. Would you come up with excuses to like go over friends, houses of fans? Yes. Yes. And like wrestling is a fun thing to watch with other people. But like Turner wrestling was free of charge because broadcast. That was WWE. Right? Was that Kenny? It was this, yes. It was right after in WA. Yeah. I think the rap group blew the wrestling name out of the water. Damn, rap group. They could no longer call themselves in WA, so they could change to WCW. And that was on. I looked up. I looked it up. That was on at nine o'clock. Damn. It's like, hey, let's just get a hot guy. Yeah. Why don't we, and I wish they did this now, and it was like, yeah, let's just get the hottest guy of all the late 80s. That's his gimmick. And we'll put him in the ring to beat up other guys. He's going to score up being on his face. Yes. Such an afterthought gimmick. Which, back to SCTV, do you remember John Candy's character, the guy with a snake on his face? No. He did this character who just had a tattoo of a snake on his face, and he would be like a pitchman. Hey, I'm the guy with a snake on his face. Trust me. Yeah. And that was it. They never explained why. But Sting always reminded me of that. Sting was, Sting was really, really hot, and he was, now he's younger than I am now. He's probably like, he was probably like 25 or something or 24, but he would look like a fucking GI Joe, but real life. Yeah. And he was his, was his villain Lex Luger? Lex Luger was also, he was like the evil version of Sting. Yeah. They looked the same. They would fight each other and stuff. And they teamed up a little bit for a couple of times. But Lex Luger, I remember, was, yeah, he was, he was arrogant. Yeah. After he beat a guy, he would hold him up in the mirror and be like, look what I did to you. Look at yourself. And they all sort of looked like attempts to clone Dolph Lundgren that went slightly wrong. Dolph Lundgren is above our purchasing power. We can get this, we can get this bully who hangs out at a gym in Atlanta. How close can we get? He's got nothing better to do. Yeah. We bailed him out of jail. Yes. We'll pull you out of jail. And they found him like MacGyver. He was a handyman at someone's building. I want to know how many people Ted Turner and Vince McMahon bounced into like Shanghai didn't are wrestling just by bailing them out of jail beating somebody up. Or had wars over who got this guy. All right. I wonder if Sting from the police had a problem with Sting, the wrestler, like people were confusing them all the time. They were at the same time. Yeah. Well, it was moms were into Sting and kids were into Sting. Right. And there was very little overlap. And I don't know which one you mean and I would love it if someone went to go see Sting thinking it was Sting. They have a big sign that's like kick like Luger's ass. And he's like, this is my new record. Ten summers. Oh my God. I want to see, I want to see Sting take on Ron Simmons. Sting from the police. Fields of gold. As we walk in fields of Ron Simmons going straight to the midsection. Fields of Goldberg. That would be, that would work. I think that's a crossover. By the way, I want to point out in the wrestling of the 80s if you see the clips on YouTube and stuff. The announcers sometimes have really smoky tobaccoy voices that no one has now. No one has that now. They're all doing e6. Ron Simmons coming to the ring now. My dad took me before wrestling became like in the around this time when you could buy candy bars with wrestlers on them before that it was still kind of a weird car. And you were hold. The 80s it exploded. Only everybody wrestling was like, well of course what else is there. There's transformers. There's wrestling and then there's news and shit. Yeah, exactly. And news about transformers in wrestling. And my dad, before they gave some kid down in Atlanta was like, I like that transformers but I would like the robots to go away. I just want to see this cartoon about trucks. But my dad took me like a real wrestling event at like a VFW haul that had women wrestlers and women midget wrestlers. Oh damn. So like carne, back to carne days. Full on carne days wrestling. He didn't know any better. No. He was like, you like wrestling? He wrote a WWF match and he was like, yeah, the same thing was not the same thing. That's funny. Same thing. It's a bunch of wrestling bullshit. I am intrigued by two make for TV movies that are on at this time. So one of them is called infidelity and this says crushed by the miscarriage of his wife played by Kristie Allie and her subsequent coldness towards him, a photographer played by Lee Horsley drifts into infidelity with her best friend and it stars Courtney Thorne Smith and Robert England. They have Freddy Krueger and he and his estranged wife is Kirstie Allie. Yeah. Freddy Krueger had well, no shit. The baby didn't come to turn. Yeah. Don't have a baby with Freddy Krueger, Kirstie Allie and there's one which I haven't even read what the synopsis of this is. But I'm just intrigued by the title made for TV movie star in Brookshields called wet gold. What? And as I have a description. Yes. Brookshields is part of a diving crew whose efforts to recover sunken treasure are awash in greed, lust and violence also stars Burgess Meredith. Oh. Oh, you know who that's made for old pervert. Yeah. Brookshields. I tell you what it's called wet gold. You got it going down there. Look Burgess Meredith. He's given it a good shot. He's given it a good honest American try. Can you imagine? Maybe he'll fuck her at the end. He just struck wet gold. That's terrible. She's diving for it. You know, she's going to be wet. Oh, wet gold. Just what a disgusting title. Wet gold. Wet gold. Tuesday night, 8 p.m. You need to recover from wet gold. I mean seven o'clock. What do you know? Yes. It's essential time. So, you know, I wasn't very impressed with the early stuff on Tuesday night. Tuesday is a week night in the summer. Under duress. If I've been arrested as a child and I'm grounded for television. Blackmail, bet or fun. I'm watching Nova on BBS. So many people picked Nova since I started doing this show? Really? It comes up all the time. I would watch it. I don't have a TV now, but I would watch Nova. Like I would love it. People love Nova. It's a good show. Yeah. And you felt like you were doing something educational. Like were your parents insistent that you watched something educational? I was into it. I was specifically into outer space and still am. I don't care about some science. Yeah. You know, practical science. I will. I could watch outer space stuff for the rest of my life without a break. Did you like science fiction as well? Yeah, definitely. I was weird. I didn't see Star Trek the next generation in there anyway. Well, I think-- Did it take a break in the summer maybe? No, it might have been on in the afternoon, so some markets, because it was a first-run syndication show, which showed it like two in the afternoon on a Sunday. Yeah, Star Trek I loved at the next generation as a kid. And then I loved, you know, actual, you know, boring science shows if it was about space. Did you ever used to watch-- there was a science show on PBS called Newton's Apple. Yes, I love Newton's Apple. And it was for kids-- I guess it was meant to be played in school. Yeah. I used to-- I used to tape that. It was my favorite. I remember they did one where they taught me how to quicksand. Quicksand? Yeah, they were like-- It was a great plot device, but where does it really happen somewhere? It doesn't come up anymore. Here's a couple things that you never hear about. Quicksand and acid rain. Neither of those things-- Oh, my God. --ever come up. Guys, acid rain was going to kill us all. They would have daily news reports about acid rain. Well, it's what's funny is that acid rain and global warming were both talked about when I was a kid in the '80s like it's going to be one or the other. Yeah. If it's still happening, nobody cares. Yeah. Now we're just used to it, apparently. Yeah. But global warming, actually, that was the one. That's the real thing. Yeah. But I remember people would complain about like acid rain ruined the finish of my transam or like it was a real-- It was a thing. It was a real scourge. Yeah. The smog was noticeably worse, though, when I was a child. Yeah. Remember in LA in the '90s? In LA, there would be a film-- well, we live right by the airport and there would be films of dust from the jet engines and stuff, and just the bad air in LA in 1989, 1990, look bad. That's pretty-- And my memories are, wow, this is orangy gray. Yeah, like I'm worried about this. Like some government agents going to come by and just be like, "Take this canary." That's it. And you're like, "What are we using? Don't worry about it. If it dies, call us." You know, half of that was just from-- was just from-- what's his name? Robert Altman movies. It was mostly Robert Altman movies. Just people smoking cigarettes. Yeah. It was just from Robert Altman. All the takes. Just they were-- they were ad-living so much. And the manufacturer of LA gear shoes. Once they went out of business, it just cleaned up gear. LA gear. Volcanized rubber. The LA gear commercials were always super creepy. I don't know if you've ever seen them, but they're very, very creepy. I don't remember. So you're going with that under duress. And this night, Nova is about how doctors are confronting the killer gene in Huntington's disease. Never mind. I take it back. I only want to watch Saturn. Listen, Nova. Let me give you-- if you're still out there, PBS. Yeah. Let me give you a-- let me give you a notice from the desk of James and Domian, OK? I don't want anything about Huntington's disease or whatever it is. I don't want anything about genetic blah, blah, blah. I want outer space. I want adventures. Yeah. I want to know how long it takes me to get to Alpha Centauri. I'm nine years old. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe crypto zoology. Sure. Sure. Well, yeah. We're going to make a new kind of zebra or whatever. Yeah. I would have been intrigued by Summer Playhouse, which was their excuse for burning off dramatic pilots that they didn't picked up. On PBS? They'd call it Summer Playhouse. On PBS. This is not on PBS. It's on ABC. Summer Playhouse. Summer Playhouse. There's some shows we didn't purchase. So this one is five federal marshals known as The Heat, but see just small towns seeking to burn a maniacal bandit and his cohorts who have stolen three truckloads of stinger missiles. Wait. So, five-- Five engines. Federal marshals, yeah. Federal marshals. And they're tracking down a guy who stole stinger missiles. They're tracking down maniacal bandits who have-- They're seeking to burn them. OK. So that should tell you that they're poorly written characters. Absolutely not. So there's five poorly written characters who are tracking down a certain number of other poorly written characters. Yes. This show seems so poorly written. I imagine they refer to each other as Federal Marshall One. Yeah. Federal Marshall One. Did we find them at article number three? I stole these stinger missiles because I'm a psycho. So what the-- Look at the scar on my face. I have no plans for anything to do with these. What the house is stinger missile? I don't even think that's the thing. I believe what are they-- it's just shoulder health. No. Those aren't-- those aren't the bazookas. The shoulder health thing. It'd be funny if there were missiles that contain sting. Like they just-- they drop sting on a place and he just decimates everyone. As you lie in fields of your own blood, he just kills everyone. Oh. Sort of intrigued by that. Deadly. Eight o'clock, what do you go? Roseanne. Everyone loves Roseanne. It's a great show. Roseanne was a fantastic show. It was the only one of its kind where the people were poor. Yes. It was unheard of for their 2B foot poor people on television who were pitied. Like you're supposed to-- like all the cow-- Laugh at them like Maris Chiller. Right. Roseanne was like, "Mm-mm-mm, I'm poor. Who give us a fuck?" Yeah. And that's the thing. I identified with that show. The gallows humor of that show seemed very realistic to me. Yeah. And the economy was not a very good shape back then. No, no. It definitely wasn't. And this one is amid the hubbub of the family's weekend activities. A door to door salesman drops by, then drops dead in the Connor's kitchen. Oh, I bet they had some quips about that. Absolutely. It's all happened to us before. Well, maybe it meant-- what did John Goodman say? Well, should we check his brush briefcase? Yeah. Maybe-- --day leafs and samples here? This vacuum cleans up him. So I would have met-- normally I would have watched Roseanne, but it's the summertime. It's a rerun. So it would have been torn between two things. One of them is on USA Network, a thing called Stephen King's Women of Horror. The Women of Horror? Yes, which sounds a little calendary. And this is writer Stephen King takes a look at women's characterization and horror movies includes interviews with directors Clive Barker, John Carpenter, and Anthony Hickocks. So three men. Three men. That's one of them's gang. Look. Look, here's a Fantette. Look, women in horror. We listen. A woman we want her to be-- Who screams the best? We scream. You're going to look how beautiful she is. This is pre-- this is-- okay, feminism existed, but it was not on TV. Correct. A little bit on Roseanne. It was on Murphy Brown. It was occasionally in a magazine. Everything is from Maine, so it's an easy-knowing letter. I've waited on him once when I worked at a steakhouse, which was very excited. Does he enjoy things? He does. He drives down-- I don't know if he's still those, but he's to drive from Maine to Boston to go to Red Sox games every single home game. And he would stop at this hilltop steakhouse I worked at, and he would get a filet mignon and a grape nut custard. By himself? By himself. And then he would drive down to beat traffic. He would drive down early, and there's a movie theater called the AMC in Fenway by Fenway Park. And then for free, and he'd watch movies to kill him, he's Stephen King. He flashes his driver's license, which is dripping with blood. Yeah. And his son lives in Brookline Mass now, because he's a writer as well, and he comes down to visit him sometimes. I know too much about Stephen King, but I urinated next to him once. We went to see the cell, the Jennifer Lopez horror movie. Oh my god. Were there a little tiny demon in the urinal locking him off? There was. Yeah, that's why he was in there. He left at the same part I did, because it was that boring. I guess we'll just go piss, there's nothing. But I would probably watch that, yeah. Or Beyond 2000, which was a science show from Australia about technology. Beyond 2000? Beyond 2000. That was one of the best bits about that. In the year 2000? Yeah. It was perfect, because I was born in 1980, and they were constantly, it was like the year 2000 as around the corner. Yeah, the sun will engulf us and kill us all. It was a big deal. It was a huge deal. And then it was very disappointing. Science Fiction had predicted so many changes in 2000. My dad got obsessed with Y2K, and he built a shelter, and he built a underground, or just in the woods. Like in the woods, and a survival kit, and he would call me and be like, "You got your Y2K survival kit, you need a passport, and cash, and MREs." It's good to have that stuff in general. I guess. When the shit does go down, the people who survive it are going to be all the assholes. Yeah, oh absolutely. Yeah. Because there's only one that's prepared for all of the things that never happened. So probably caused all the things that never happened. Right. Yeah. The year 2000 was supposed to be this great thing, and it was just, although we do have technology. That's pretty amazing. I loved Louis Black's joke about that, where he said this was supposed to be the future. Yes. It turns out it's just the same river of shit with a two in front of it. Yes, which is pretty damn accurate. Also, my favorite thing about the year 2000 on Conan was that they continued to do it after the year 2000, which was really funny. That was a show like SC-TV, where I really thought it was the only one watching it. The weird stuff they would do. That was exactly what it felt like. Pimp-bot. It felt like it was an accident that it was on television, and in fact, I would even say the best time was when the critics hated it. The first three years or so was a perfect show, and I knew everything that went wrong. Yeah. I noticed it went wrong. All of that, taken together, it was an absolutely perfect show, and TV should be more like it. How weird was it for you to, when you started doing comedy, get to start working with people from Conan, or that you saw on Conan? I still marvel at it. I may have geeked out one or two times, and then after that, you learn not to, but you kind of have to shut down so that you don't. You just turn off that side of your brain, or I don't even allow myself to freak out about it. Think about it. You do freak out, though, I imagine. You do. I did that a little bit, and sometimes I'll get really stoned, and I'll think, "Huh. I know some of my heroes." Right. This happened? Right. Yeah. But, yeah, that's just, I guess, that's what the game is. If you can handle it, you can be in the game. You can be in the game. Nine o'clock. You're not watching anything because that's the end of Primetime, but I did want to mention that on HBO, they have a show called Warning, Dieting, Maybe Hazardous. Oh, gross. Which sounds pretty terrible. Paid for generous sponsorship. Life, food. Mars, bars. Yes. So, Wednesday night, seven o'clock. What do you go? Unsolved mysteries. Terrifying. Absolutely. I think I would even go for the whole hour. I had Wild America as a maybe on 7.30, but Unsolved mysteries. Robert Stack. Yes. Absolutely. It was scarier than horror, and I've always liked shit like that where it's, I believe. One of the problems I have with horror movies is just scary, and I don't believe it's possible, but like Unsolved mystery, yeah, I believe that woman went down there and never turned up from a hotel in Florida, because Florida is shitty and scary, and there's weirdos down there. Oh, they were so terrible, and it was so weird I didn't have a mix up. UFOs and rapists. It was just like, "Here's real things and ridiculous things." Unsolved mysteries. And this one is UFOs and re-business. And like, yeah, and a semi-truck that disappeared on a mountain. It's a ghost truck. And in this one, it's among the segments, "The Search for a Missing X-Monk, the manhunt in Virginia for an alleged cop killer, a stroke amnesia victim, and the search for a missing heir." Missing what? Air. Oh, H-E-A. H-E-A. Yeah, not just missing hair. So anyway, Robert, I got, I'm bald now, so I'll figure it out. But then they'd have like the Mothman or something really weird like that. Right. Unsolved mysteries. It was the exact same tone of possibilities that he had to do everything. What was in so many films? Unsolved mysteries. He was... He was... Robert Stutt. He added the air of gravitas to that that made everything. What happened to him? He died. When? Uh, 1997. Okay, so he kind of, so he was, he kind of played out like a long voiceover career. Right. Unsolved mysteries. And he was on the Untouchables. Who was he in Untouchables? He was, he was the main guy in the TV series, the Untouchables. Oh, Eliot Ness. He was in Caddy Shack 2. Maybe his finest role? Caddy Shack 2. In the Ted Night, a clustered rich guy. He played the Ted Night role, basically, guys. He gets a wedgie from Randy Quig. Hey. Randy Quig goes, "Have you ever tried putting with a wedgie?" And he's like, "No, I'm not familiar and gives him a wedgie." Oh, he thinks it's just a golf thing. He thinks it's a golf thing. So, I would have watched Unsolved Mysteries because it, Unsolved Mysteries did a good thing where they would do new episodes in the summer. All everything else was in repeats. But Growing Pains was on one of my favorites that comes up all time, and this is a classic Growing Pains. You know. I love this one. This is the one where Dick Van Patton guest stars as a bigot. Dick Van Patton. Yes. Mike gets a job at an all-night market and learns. Can I ask, is Dick Van Patton's career entirely guest star roles? Except for eight is enough, yes. Okay, I don't know that show. So, yeah. Oh, I've ever known him as, as, ladies and gentlemen, you love him, Dick Van Patton. Yeah. He is a real guest star. No. He's even a guest star in space balls. Right. He gets a guest star in space balls. Yes. Yes. He's the Van Patton, everyone knows. And then this one, he gets a job at an all-night market and learns about prejudice when his boss, Dick Van Patton, transfers him rather than two minority workers to a more desirable shift. Oh boy. Jerry, the black guy who works in the all-night market, played by Cuba Gooding Jr. Really? Yes. And I remember this episode specifically where he's like, "Why'd you move me to the day shift?" and he goes, "Hey, Mike, you got to look out for your own." And he's like, "You're a bigot." Wow. Yeah. You got to look out for your own. I learned a valuable lesson about how Dick Van Patton? Show me the money. I think he's a racist. And then head of the class at 8-30. I took the pot 'cause I'm really a racist. 'Cause I didn't even know I was acting. I thought I just got this job as the manager of a night convenience store. They wheeled me into the room and I did what my natural instincts did. Things have not been going well. So head of the class I would have gone with at 8-30, show about smart kids in New York City. Always watched it. Let's see. This is 7-30? 7-30. So you're watching an hour of "Unsolved Mysteries," right? Yeah, I think so. I think I am. But then, switching it up, need a laugh after that, I'm going to night court on NBC. Love night court. And this is the crime of night court. And this one, Dan hopes to catch the last plane out of town on a day when the courtroom is flooded by cases and the water. They don't say what, yeah. Something crazy was happened. They would have to try to get all these cases done before he could leave. He wanted to fly to Sweden to do it with stewardesses. There was so many of the songs. John Larry O'Kette? Yeah. Where he had a time for you. John Larry O'Kette looked like everybody's divorced dad. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Be like, "I get you on the weekends." Exactly. I mean, I feel like a lot of divorced dads in America modeled their behavior and hairstyles after John Larry O'Kette and went, "I could play that guy." That's a best-case scenario. I love John Larry Kette and I used to, for some reason, as a kid, I don't know why I did this. Great. I guess it was sort of like fan fiction, but I would create nicknames. I thought people referred to John Larry Kette as. And for some reason, I determined that the best one was three-piece Larry Kette. Like, people were just like, "It's all three-piece Larry Kette because of his suits." His suits. Yeah. And I would refer to him as that sometimes as if that was something people did. Three-piece Larry Kette. It's three-piece Larry Kette. And no one got on board with that. My favorite thing he ever did was with Phil Hartman. It was on the SNL called the Gay Communist Gun Club. Yes. One show for people who are gay, communist, and big fans of guns. Yes. And everyone would call in and have two out of three. Yes. But sorry. The episode he hosted was great. That was a great episode of SNL. And he's a guy that I always wondered how he didn't become a movie star. He tried so many times. Larry Kette. Yeah. He was in a ton of movies. And he was great in them. He's still around. What is he? How old is he? He is. He's in his 60s. Yeah. He played the villain on "Almost Human" this year. Oh. Yeah. He would be very castable as any villain. Ooh. A great villain. He's now in a place where he could have a thriving career as evil senators. Yes. In real life. Just be hired by a two party. Whoa. Run for... What's his name? Who does the reverse mortgage's ads? Yes. Robert, my big old, I'm a big... Oh, wow. I'm a big Lyndon Johnson, grab a bag of baldness and chew in tobacco. What's his senator? He was a... Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson. A corrupt son's a son of a bitch farting, whiskey-drinking, racist fuck faces. Don't give up your house when this is... And then I got elected as one. Yeah. And they're trying to run for goddamn president. That guy's the worst... And now he's... And now he's reverse mortgages. Why? 'Cause a couple of you trusted me here and there. Reverse mortgages are for people who think reverse racism is a thing. A reverse mortgage doesn't make sense. They buy your house from you and you rent it from them. That's basically what a reverse mortgage is. Alright. I mean, the people that come up with terms like that, I mean, I don't necessarily mean jail time, but like, they need to have a severe find. Yeah, they should call it old people fooling. Yeah. It's terrible. Terrorist mortgage. Reverse racism. You mean not racism? So we give you... You have a mortgage with us. Isn't that a mortgage? That's a reverse mortgage. We're buying your house and paying you for it. Yeah, but you have to pay us to live here 'cause we own your house. You passed up Hooperman, John Ritter's finest role. You passed up Jake in the fat man. No, it's on there. Okay. I'm watching the second half of it. The good half. Yeah. I do that sometimes with shows when I can't decide. No, Jake and the fat man, I just like the title of it. It made me laugh when I was a kid. Yeah. I love that they was like, "Ha ha ha, fat man." Name Conrad, just slumming. They're like, "You're gonna play a role with the fat man." And he's like, "Can I not know you're a fat guy you're playing the fat man?" I remember vividly one where he was walking in Venice Beach, California and he sees all these roller skaters and he's like, "They're all thin and hot when he was skating." Yeah, and he's got his suit on. He's got his fat suit on and he's like, "It was Venice Beach. Everybody was roller skating. It was LA. It was the '80s. They used to say it was the '80s, like it was the future. Yeah. It was the '80s. It felt like the whole world was gonna roller skate right past you. That was what he said and I remembered it. They weren't rollerblading. They were doing quads, too. Oh. Rollerblading came out to really teach us that there was another level of coolness. Yeah. Rollerblading here seems so California. Like people on rollerblades, you'd be like, "Who's this guy think he is?" Like you'd see a kid on rollerblades and you'd be like, "Move back to San Diego, pal." I feel like it was never cool for any adult to rollerblades. No, absolutely not. If it was specifically for people who were eight to fourteen, at most, and then you could do it. Here's a phrase I've heard that I should have never have heard because no one should have ever uttered it. I just roller-related to work. I feel like if you roller-bladed to work, they would have to lay you off. You're like, "This job is not for you." Shouldn't have. All right, but don't wear those rollerblades on the floor. Don't wear your blades on the floor. You cannot wear rollerblades when you're working at ChessKing. So, two things you passed up that intrigued me are a show called Wood Carving with Rick Butts, and this is creating a shaker-style quilt rack, which we all need to do. A quilt rack? That sounds like, here's a piece of furniture, here's a boring piece of furniture to hold a boring kind of thing. Yeah, like I had so many quilts, they really need a rack. Yeah. I'm overloaded with boredom. And I'm going to carve this out of wood, implying this is going to take quite a while. Let's be honest, you are probably working off some war crimes if you're trying to, if that's what you're into. If you're doing a quilt rack, or maybe it's an eighth's quilt rack. That's a big quilt rack, because that thing's the size of a football field. And it worked. It worked. And then we have a show called All Night Strut, Maxine Andrews hosts a 1988 song and dance review of Swing Show and World War II tunes from the 1990s. All Night Strut. Well, I'm going to watch something while I'm making my quilt rack. Oh, what's it called? All Night Strut. All Night Strut. Yeah. Wow. That's a, that's a dame with some peacock feathers. I'd like to start with like a real, like a, like a John Mayer cat type, refer to women's breasts as quilt racks. Ooh. Look at that quilt rack. Yeah. I got an appointment with those quilt racks over there. Stitch it together. I'm going to hang my laundry on that quilt rack, if you know what I mean. So you're doing the second half of Jake and that fat man. Yeah. Watch them. Basically just watching the fat man. Yeah. Just watch that fat man dance. So then Thursday night, what are we going with seven August 10th, 1989, 7 p.m. 48 hours. Boring that. It's really boring. Why'd you go with that? I didn't like anything else. So this is correspondence spend two days or 48 hours. That was the premise of this news show. They'd spend two days doing a news story and two nights behind the badge of Detroit Police Department, segments fall officers on night patrol, walking a beat, going on drug raids and investigating an assault case, also profiles of two police woman, a report on race relations within the department and a talk to a widow of a policeman. So there's nobody from the side of the police were bad to me. No. All good police. It was all an advertisement for the Detroit police. Yes. Aren't the Detroit police. It's actually most police TV shows are that way. Yeah. I'm a cop. If I'm bad, at least I'm not as bad as him. I was forced to do this. Hey, who do you want behind this badge? Yeah. You want a bad guy like me or an even worse guy like him? So yeah, I don't know if we ever watched that because I would have been watching a spin off of Spencer for Hire, a man called Hawk, starring a rubrics. I didn't know there was a spin off of Spencer for Hire. Yeah. I probably would have watched that actually. Hawk moves to New Orleans. So as you can guess, every episode is about Voodoo. Well, Hawk, who was he just Spencer? He was sort of this street tough enforcer but had a coat of ethics. So he worked with Spencer even though he would sometimes be hired by bad guys. Okay. He was-- So you're talking like a Casey Jones from New Jersey Tech character? Yeah, yeah. He's got good morals but he's an anti-hero. And so this one, Hawk, uses muscle, not magic, to protect a Haitian historian from the Voodoo shaman trying to unlock a secret from his psyche. And there's a character just called Old Man, played by Moses Gunn. My name's Moses Gunn. Believe it or not, I have headshots that have six different poses in them. Yes. Also, this shows very racially sensitive. Character called Crawdaddy. I love the thing of the spin off character moves to another city that we've got to tackle. Yeah. Like in Cheers, when Fraser went to Seattle, they were like, "He's in Seattle now." It's the company. Because nobody's watching over there. It's far away from Boston as you can get. It's completely different. And also, okay, so he moved, okay, fine, where was Spencer anyway? No one... He's still in Boston. He's still in Boston? He's still in Boston in the firehouse. I didn't even remember that. So we could have just said he lives in TV land. Spencer for Hire was, did you ever see the real world Boston? No. Sorry. Real world Boston, they all lived in the Spencer for Hire of Firehouse. They were like, "We have one location in Boston, it's the Spencer for Hire of Firehouse." Spencer. For Hire. For Hire. Hey, so also, please tell me there was somebody in the script department to limit the Voodoo plot lines to one per season? It was in almost every episode. Like, we got a show, main character's black guy, that's great. All Voodoo episodes. Right. It was Voodoo. Track it down that Voodoo. Yeah. You can't just have a cop show. It has to have a Voodoo element. Voodoo cop. Yeah. Voodoo. I wrote, my only produced writing credit was I think called The Treasures of Black Cinema, which was hosted by Richard Roundtree, who was Shaft. It was a series of all black cast movies from the 1930s. Was it televised or live somewhere? It was a DVD. Oh, okay. DVD program. And so I wrote the host segments, three of the four movies from Voodoo. And I had to write these things for Richard Roundtree. And eventually I just gave up. And so one of the segments, he just, it opens and he goes, "Voodoo." That's just the first word. First word? Just Voodoo. I'm like, how long does he come out with it? Voodoo. A religion? A dark way of life. Voodoo. And a great plot device. You guys ever seen a man called Hawk? Kind of like that. It was such a weird, I just sent these scripts off and then like two months later I got DVDs of Richard Roundtree saying everything I wrote. Really? Pretty exciting. Yeah. There's a black cinema. That's a little feathering in your cap. It really was. You know, I get a lot of, I get a lot of people who recommended me from that. Did you write that treasure as a black cinema? Yes, I did. You, that can read. Eight o'clock Thursday night, what are you going with? I go, cheers. NBC. This is an original run? Yes. I'm not a cheers freak, but if it's ever on, it's might as well watch it. It's great. I've never met a single human being who doesn't like, never. It's a good show. It is a good show. And the characters are lovable and you could watch them when you're a kid. And you would miss some of the darker stuff because it was a sad show. Sad show. It's about people who have no friends, so they hang out in a bar. And they can't, and there's all these unrequited loves and shit. Yeah, it's, it's a pretty sad show, but this is a great one. This is Carla's second anniversary, maybe her last, unless the out of town Eddie surprises her while Woody gets bit by a gambling book. That's how he gets by. That's how he gets by. I don't think that's good writing TV guy. I don't think so either. I think that's the bad thing that happens to it. Yeah. I want to find out who wrote the TV guy, Synopsys. We have one theory is the network sent them out. And another theory is it's interns because some of them are pretty bitchy and snarky. I love it when you see that. I see it now on what I, you know, like in a hotel room, like the thing for the, for the, for the thing or the movie that's going to come on. And they'll just be a withering so and so finds magic and fights dragons. Not very believable. Yeah. Yeah. I normally would have gone with cheers, but it's a repeat. So I'm going with the first run summer series equalizer. A war game turns deadly when real bullets are substituted for paint pellets and a young woman's gun. Where are the paint pellets? I want to know. Two war games in actual war games. Do you remember how big paintball was in 1989? I was jealous. I've never fucking been paintball. I never have anyone else in my life has gone and done it. Yeah, it was huge. I've never had that. Absolutely. Everyone has all gone and done it and aggressively refused to invite me. Yeah. I've never been to a bachelor party or paintballing. And I'm married. I didn't have one. I've introduced people who got married, didn't invite me to the bachelor party. And I'm like, maybe they're all going paintballing. That's why they didn't invite me. It's written all over him. He doesn't want it. We don't want him paintballing. Yeah. We should get just a paintball crew going. Yeah. Do it. 830 would he go with? Car 54. Where are you? Nickelodeon. Maybe my favorites are combo ball time. Yeah. It's amazing. It's wacky. Theme song is hilarious. It is great. Memorable. Have you ever revisited it? No. You should revisit it. It's a hold up in the Bronx. Yes. It's broken out in twice. There's a traffic jam. Hold on. Let's back up to Jackson Heights. Jackson Heights. Hey, this couch, we've sold a child. Crews, Jeff. Crews in on a while. It mentions Crews, Jeff. Crews, Jeff, which is pretty exciting. Yeah. Look, he's visiting New York City. He's visiting Meanwhile before it was renamed after JFK. And so that shows written by going to Matt Hanking, who created the Phil Silvers show, Phil Silvers. And it is my theory that it is the single biggest influence on Larry David's sitcom. It is totally precursor to Curvy News, Evan Seinfeld. The way that the misunderstandings build on each other in that show is amazing. It's really complicated. And if you revisit it, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I would love to. Both seasons came out on TV. Only did two seasons. It made me laugh when I was a kid. And I was only wrong two thirds of the time. That's true. That's true. Really funny. I probably would have gone with that, although Dear John was on at the time, very depressing show. It sounds like something that just says, "Don't watch me on it." It was a remake. It was a remake of a British show about lonely middle-aged people who have a support group called The One-to-One Group. And it starred from Taxi Judd Hirsch as a schlub, as he always is. A lonely guy. And this one is, "The gang comes up with a comeback idea for Rick that has been Roxinger, a '60s nostalgia benefit in a cafeteria." So there's a gang that helps each other not be so lonely? They're all lonely middle-aged people, and they meet twice a week. Do they fuck? No. Ever? No. They never find anybody to fuck. No. So this is all things... It's a show that's like things you can do if you can't fuck. Yeah. That's the name of the show. Drink coffee and talk to people at a school after hours. Fuck. Yeah. Depressing city. Friday night. I guess the case people are alive. It does. You know what's even more depressing? Jesus Christ. It's the people just... That all entertainment is. That's the kind of thing that makes me... I can't function because it makes me think, "Oh Jesus Christ, it's all a holy, golden batter." Or just like, "Well at least them better off than them." Which is slim comfort because that's not going to last long. Or even worse. Well they're doing better than me. Maybe I can have a group someday. Right. Where's my group? Huh? Let me know. I just hope to help me fucking put on a pizza party. Or if they're side depressing. Friday night. Final night of the week. Seven o'clock. Where'd he go? Friday night. Seven o'clock. Oh boy. I wasn't impressed. There's two options. You know what? I would only want to watch the opening credits of Beauty and the Beast on CBS because it was a terrible, dumb, awful, weird show. What? You remember how huge that show was at the time? It was huge. The lighting was like, very memorable. Yeah. Whoever, the gaffers and the, the, the, the, the, the... Let it go both. A lot of pinks and kind of lobbers and like fake fire light flickering off the wall. I mean I remember that stuff. It looked gorgeous but I don't need to see a monster not be scary. And a monster? I mean I don't need a monster to just sit there and be boring. A monster. It's not why we have monsters. Yes. You want to terrify people. There's a girl named Herman who sort of looks like a lion living in a sewer and making love to Linda Hamilton. I know. That was the premise of that show. If you're gonna, if take that show, spice it up, seven notches, turn it into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and give me a call then. I have to imagine there's some sort of fan fiction crossover between Beauty and the Beast and Teenage Turtles. They find each other. Yeah. They fight each other. And the third man. Harry Limb shows us. Yes. And the Terminator since it's Linda Hamilton. Why not... Do you imagine she lived in a sewer? Oh my God. Yeah. She played the romantic lead. Maybe she changed their name, hides out in the sewer from the Terminator. I want to just cross out our Matrix now. Yeah. We could do it. And this one Vincent witnesses a savage murder by two, actually says this, by two preppies who kill for pleasure. Preppies who kill for pleasure. Preppies who kill for pleasure. And this predates the Menendez brothers, correct? That was '93. Good job. Vincent pursues his own form of justice. Does that involve pushing the preppies in a pool? It might be. It might be. Or in a sewer of toxic waste. A classic comeuppance? Yes. You're now all... you're all what? So that was a show that I could not stomach. I don't think I could have watched it. I think I would have gone with Full House. Full House was on. It's another choice there. Yeah. You know, it was a... it was a collective psychosis in the late 1980s. Yeah. It was numbed by Mr. T. and Ronald Reagan and different strokes, then the Iran-Contrast scandal, the Cold War was coming to an end, we had no idea what to do. Yeah. San Francisco was probably the hippest town in all the 80s. Absolutely. Robin Williams had like, was like, nah guys, San Francisco, that's the town this time. That's where it's at. Did you see that Kevin Minney moved here? That's basically what he said to everybody. They did the... the Democratic convention was in '84 in San Francisco, Kevin Workout formed very well. Didn't work out very well. Was that Walter Mondale? Yeah. Pete turns out America hates faggots. They do. Sometimes. Yeah. And not as much as they used to. No. Not as much. By the way, guys, if you don't know who I am, I don't say it lightly. I am a renowned homosexual myself. Yeah. There's a statue of him in San Francisco, but it was built by the other side. It's an orange and purple and pink statue. Yes, it is. He was Walter Mondale's running mate when he were four years old. Wait, who was? You. Oh, right. Yeah. It was like, why not? It was like little Orphan Annie. Yeah, exactly. What isn't? We're not gonna win the election. And by that, you mean you had no pupils for a couple of years. Oh, no. I just said I-whites. That was not a great show, Full House. Full House? Do you think it... There was way too many lessons. I got younger after the pin-down. Yeah. There's way too many lessons. The jokes were terrible, but the laugh track... My theory is that their laugh track was ahead of its time. Because it was commenting on things? That their laugh did. They were not as formulaic as the normal canned laugh. Yeah, okay. I don't think they didn't in front of the studio audience. It wasn't from the studio audience. Oh, then maybe that was it. Yeah, but they would sweeten it. So Josie sweetened it, if you will. And that means you get the recording a bunch of fake things before and after the taping and then you put them in. Add it in. So it is getting laughs in front of a live audience, but you make it better. So Saturday Night Live, almost every single show does that now, which is a shame. Yeah. Don't believe it. Red Fox, you can believe that. Yeah. He didn't fake anything. He didn't fake any laughs. He earned every one of those... Oooh! Fools and woes. Full House, do you think there's anyone who moved to San Francisco because of Full House? Apparently. Like, I gotta go there. It just looks so cool. Yeah, it looks... They actually made... They actually made San Francisco look bright and sunny. They did. They did. On the three sunny days of the whole year. Yeah. Exactly. They made it look like a fun place to go flag. It's California! Yeah, it's California! Yeah, it's kites and, like, people wear in white shoes. Yeah. And most people don't know, whenever they show the water in San Francisco, it's just a backdrop. It's not even really there. What? No, it's not there. Oh. I've been there. Actually, it's not there. It's fog. Yeah, it's just fog that is condensed into water. So at 7.30, rather, what are you going on? Mr. Belvedere. Belvedere! Belvedere! Who is Wesley? Why don't you go play on the freeway? I love Christopher Hewitt. This show is one of my favorite sitcoms that BBC ever aired. Bob Uker should not have been on television. Bob Uker! And it was... Okay, hold on. Was Belvedere supposed to be gay? No, no. He got married to a woman in the last season. That was the final episode. Because they had to... Think of some immigration thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But no, there were episodes where he went on dates and I'm like, "Come on. Nobody. Because Christopher Hewitt, well, he was just single his whole life. He was a confirmed bachelor. That's right. But he was like a devout Catholic. Yes. This is from an older time when people were really... would actually just decide, I didn't... Never mind what I do. I'm very religious. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I... You know, I can't believe it. But then in the producers, he plays a very gay director. He does. And he's been in the theater the whole life. Yeah. Do you think people really didn't know it? Like, do you think people really didn't think Liberace was gay or what it's people? Yeah. I love Bob Euchre with a gay butler. That's the show. That's the show. Yeah, that's the show. Yeah. Belvedere. Oh, Christ, Belvedere. Yeah. I just told him I thought he was British. By the way, Bob Euchre, see, it sounds the same as Alf. Yeah. They're interchangeable. It'd be funny if someone did an edit of every Alf episode with Bob Euchre's voice. The voice of Bob Euchre was done by Alf. Yes. You never... Bob Euchre is not reading him like a puppy. Yeah. That's why Bob Euchre had that pigeon chest. Belvedere. Oh, my kiss. All the mechanics inside. This episode, Kevin, Rob Stone, wow, joins an escort service to make some extra cash. But instead, he makes time with an elderly widow to whom he's more than just a jiggalo. What? I did not make up a single word. I thought he was in high school in this show. He was in college. Oh, he's in college. Well, that's okay. So they can barely get away with it. This episode where he plays a male prostitute, jiggalo. But he didn't know it would go that far. I think he did. Really? You didn't think they'd go be that old. Yeah, he's like, "I need some extra--" So this is a family sitcom where the main character-- This is by the way, it's 7.13 here. 7.30. The main character goes, "I need to make some extra cash. I'm gonna have sex with old women for money." But see, they would say things like, "Jiggalo, Belvedere, what do you mean jiggalo?" Jiggalo. Or the kids weren't supposed to know what it meant. You'd be like, "Kevin, some of these women do have feelings." Yeah, haha. You'd be like, "Oh geez, Belvedere, I was just doing it for the cash, but I really like her." Kevin, why don't you go run a lap across a tarmac? Oh, man. I'm shocked by that synopsis. I can't believe-- They would do a dark hour-long dramedy about a male jiggalo at night college student by day who has to do it with old women now. It would be dark. There would be no laughs there. With his pimp, he's a gay butler. It would be a mumblecore movie. Absolutely. Just this guy. I don't know if I should be here. Yeah. He's like, "My cover job is butler for this rich woman, but I usually--" I actually use it to-- Oh, he's gettin' on it. Yeah, that's how he meets all these rich widows. He's on the take. Yes. He meets them to comfort them after they've been heartbroken by that little hot guy. Exactly. Wow, wow. I think we just sold this movie. All right, we sold this. Belvedere. You get half credit. Dark Belvedere. Dark Belvedere. Dark Belvedere. Dark Belvedere. 830, what are you going on with? What, 8? Yes. Perfect strangers on ABC. Perfect show. Everybody loves that show. I want to watch it. It's a great show. Is he listening? No, it doesn't exist anywhere. Only the first season came out on DVD, didn't sell well enough for them to release anymore. God damn it. They did that with Darkwing Duck, too. Exactly. Yeah. Very similar shows. Perfect strangers is funny, and I don't-- look, Balke is a cartoon character. It's what's his name? Applewhite? Cousin Larry Appleton. Appleton. Cousin Larry. That guy's funny. That actor's name? It's-- he is played by-- Cousin Larry Appleton is-- he does a lot of stage work. I heard that he just kept his money from TV and he does-- Mark-- Mark-- oh my god. He does theater now because he doesn't need the money. Yeah, he's got-- He was like-- He's got an '80s sitcom money. I'm happy with perfect strangers. Now I just get to do all the theater I want to do. Yeah. Mark Lindbaker. Mark Lindbaker. That guy was fucking funny, and I knew it when I was a kid. He does-- He had that-- he had that subtle slow burn. Yes. Barely contained-- Smarter than you are. Oh, man, I love it. He's always-- Baukey. Baukey. You can't do that. This episode is the chips are down for Baukey who loses a bundle in Gorpley's poker game, but Larry soon comes up with a plan to recoup his cousin's losses. Oh boy. I bet that plane goes wrong. [LAUGHTER] You know what happens? Stuff gets out of control. But don't worry. There's Deus Ex Machina. Yes. Exactly. An actual angel comes in and sings. I would tolerate that as an actual plot device. Have you ever seen the movie or read the book Hideaway by Dean Coons? No. Does it happen? An actual angel saves the day at the end. And I took a horror fiction class in college, and Dean Coons came in to talk to us about the book. And I hated the book. And he was like, would you guys think of this book? I could take it. No one would say anything. And I go, I was pretty bad. An actual angel comes in and saves the day at the end. That's the laziest writing I've ever seen, because I'm like 19. Yeah. Well, I sold over a million copies of that book. Oh, he defended it. Yeah. And I went, well, you know what? All those people bought the book before they read it. Yeah. He was not going to slam this. He slammed him. Slammed him. Slammed Dean Coons. He's very rich. Dean Coons. Coons. More like dumb Coons. Done Coons. 8.30, the final half hour of the week. What are you going on? I didn't have anything else going on. I looked at the schedule, and I figured, it's Atlanta. I'm nine years old. I just finished swimming all day. I'm watching the last half of the Braves of Padres on TBS. You big sports fan then? No. But I used to watch the Braves game. Just to have something to talk to. Just be able to talk to other kids about it. Yeah. Ever you had to know something about me. Did you see Major League? I don't think I did. Yeah. See, that was about as far into sports as I would get. Major League. Be like, yeah, no, the Cleveland Indians. They're awesome, right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. Bob Euchar, isn't it? Right. They were spitting and throwing things and there's boobies. Furls. Furls. Just the ten of us. Maybe my favorites that come in the eighties. Just the ten of us. Doing it the best I can. How's that one? Clean off of growing pains with coach Lubbock. Just the ten of us. And who were the ten? So the ten were, so it's Bill Kirkenbauer, stand up comedian Bill Kirkenbauer, playing a Catholic. So everybody got their fucking show back in those days. Yep. He's got a wife played by Deb Harmon and they have eight children. That's why it's just the ten of us. That's too many kids. Too many kids. Well, they're Catholics. They don't use the birth control. Great show. The really funny show. I remember they used to have families like that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I guess they still do somewhere. Yeah. And I guess I identified with it because growing up around here you have a lot of Irish and Italian Catholic families of like eight and ten kids. We're like every other year they're having a kid. Yeah. Or sometimes a yearly. Or sometimes a yearly. Or sometimes a yearly. Which they call Irish twins. They actually do that. Nothing to do with drinking. Actually, cast member of just the ten of us has been on this show before I joined Olette, who has played Connie on just the ten of us. This is from 1988, a miracle seems the only explanation for a shoebox full of money delivered to the coach on his birthday. This episode's fantastic. It actually has for a fairly light sitcom. This show had a big agnostic question and God aspect to it. Where they were Catholic, but you never know. Exactly. They were like, is this a miracle? Does praying work? It was very, very strange to see that in a sitcom. Fantastic show. Finally, James, as you know, TV Guide, it informs us, but it's also opinionated. It cheers and it jeers. I would like to read you the cheers and jeers from this week, August, 1989. Tell me if you agree or disagree. Okay. It's a split cheers and jeers. We're 50/50. First we start with a jeer. To Playboy's R. Hugh Hefner and the Playboy organization for wretched bad taste. In the world's most famous 63-year-old bachelor wed Kimberly Conrad, a 26-year-old playmate on July 1, he packaged the ceremony as a television program that viewers paid $4.95 to see on Playboy Pay Per View service. The edited version of the Cherished event also appeared on the Playboy channel's regular service. By turning his wedding into a marketing opportunity for the TV arm of his company, Hefner makes a sham of the concept of marriage. What's next, Hefner's honeymoon video? Well, they gave him an idea. I think that's an example of probably bad press that helps him. I've always been profoundly bored by Hugh Hefner. He's very boring. Since I first realized who he was, maybe around this time, an old pervert with a boner that you don't actually see, but you know it's there and where's a robe. But he always justified being like, "No, you don't understand. I also like jazz, so it's okay." I don't want to be around anything like that. No, no. First of all, I mean, I have a lot of girlfriends and they're not playmates. They're not ugly people, but I mean, I like normal-looking, attractive people. Is that so wrong? I think that's a thing. There's male versions of playmates that I also don't like. Yeah. Sting, for example. Sting. Am I not being a sting? No, no, no. I would agree with that gear. I'm going to have to uphold it. I would say don't give him a gear you're just feeding his ego. Just shut up. Just stop talking about him. I don't even mention him. Fair enough, indifferent. Cheers to Susan Lucci of ABC's All My Children, Forever the Brides Made and Never the Bride. Lucci plays Daytime's quintessential vixen Erica Kane, has been nominated to the outstanding lead actress in a drama series at the Daytime Emmy Awards no fewer than ten times, but has never won. And she always brings a welcome note of elegance to the world of soaps. That's it? That's it. Just that she hears. Just hey, Susan Lucci. Thanks for being here. Okay. So that's all I know her for. Me too. She should have gotten an Emmy for years and never did, but this is when it was a news item. Yeah, she did get one eventually, and I feel like she was probably pissed being like, I have no idea. That was my thing. Yeah. Now I don't have a thing. Thanks, everybody. Yeah, I'm indifferent on that one. Cheers to the American Express purchase protection commercial in which a young boy feeds the new VCR his morning oatmeal. We got this note from one of our readers in Alabama. Don't think that two year olds don't pay attention to commercials. ours did. So far, she has fed our VCR a cheese sandwich, three pork chops, two jelly breads, and the remote control three or four times. Besides the fact that we don't own an American Express card, we are now stuck with a well-fed and broken VCR, not guaranteed by anybody. Hold on a second. First of all, Alabama, don't admit that you're from Alabama when you send in a letter like that. But it's evident when you use the term jelly bread. Jelly bread. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? What did that fucking fat kid have? Jelly bread? Three pork chops. Three pork chops. This is all one day. This is one sandwich. This is before these parents got up and said, hey, don't do that. Would you like a sandwich with cheese, three pork chops, and jelly? Oatmeal. Oatmeal. That's fine. God damn it, don't be dumb and fat, and then write a letter to the whole country about it. How am I supposed to watch smoking in the bandit too now? There's jelly bread all in here. Man, shit, there's butter bacon on my girly videos. Jelly bread sounds like a guy's nickname down there. Right. You mean jelly bread? Hush up. That's just jelly bread. Yeah. He's slow. Or an excuse for being racist. Hey, we just jelly bread. Big in bread, but just like- We just jelly bread, we white on the outside, we true blue on the inside. We eat inside. We're jelly bread. We're jelly bread people. We're all white and we're told sweet. And finally, cheers to Dennis Farina. If that was it, I'd already agree with that. As some of last season's best guest appearances, the former star of NBC's crime story turned up on ABC's China Beach as a bright-eyed officer who thoroughly charmed Waidlu, Casey and Lila. On NBC's Miami Vice, Farina played a mobster who had faked his own death before he was now returning to Florida to resume his life. In both cases, Farina just devoured the roles and walked away with the episodes. More power to him. Dennis, Farina, I want him to read this in TV Guide and go, "Yeah, fucking about time. Maybe you should have said something when I had a TV show on my own, you fuck." I'd like him to be like, "Oh, I'm bottom line behind fucking jelly bread. Jelly bread is before me now." It was the best thing they could have written and he was like, "Fuck you." Pull my car around. I'm driving over there. Come over there, TV Guide. I'm going to teach him a fucking lesson. He replaced Robert Stack as the host of "Unsolved Mysteries" after he died. Really? He did. He goes, "I'll go solve the fucking thing." Dennis, Farina solves mysteries. Well, James, thank you for doing this show. Can. Very fun. Can I say there's one thing that we skipped over? Yes, that's one. And I wanted to give a shout-out to-- Absolutely. Tour of Duty, 8 p.m. Saturday on CBS. Vietnam. It was Vietnam and it was also the Rolling Stones painted black as the theme song. Yes, yes. now I can't hear 60 songs, so that one without being like Vietnam. Yeah, you don't be really weird if we so in 1989 Vietnam was 20 years old they could do something set in the first Persian Gulf War and all the music would be like MC Hammer. Oh my god. And what they were like some guys in Nirvana. Or not even like Gerardo, like Rico Swan. Yeah, going into Iraq. There's something about that 60s music that led a weight to that gave like a gravitas to those scenes. And if you did contemporary music for the Gulf War it just wouldn't have worked. It wouldn't. They weren't sad enough. They were full time pumping us with endorphins. Yeah, or just like so much of make a web video that's that's like a Vietnam show set in the 1990s with like cherry pie by warrant. It's not along the watch tower. It doesn't have that kind of weight to it. What about what about Saddam Hussein is like we would stop them and it's like what a man what a man what a man what a man it's a mike to my tail. Or just no scrubs. Yes. Yeah, perfect. My name. Great. Well, thank you so much for doing this. All right guys. I'll see you on TV. Well, there you go. You jelly breads. That's James Adomian for this week's episode of TV Guidance Counselor. Next week we have another episode from my LA trip. So I think you're going to enjoy that. I've still amazed that some of the guests I was able to get while I was out there. Hopefully I'll be back soon and getting some more great guests. I have many more episodes lined up that you're really going to enjoy. So make sure you check us out next Wednesday on TV Guidance Counsel. We'll have an all new episode. And if you like the show, please subscribe to the show however you listen either on Stitcher, iTunes, SoundCloud, leave a review, share it with your friends, every little bit helps and I really appreciate it. Also, please continue to email me with your show ideas, corrections, things you like, things you don't like at Ken@IkenRead.com. I love hearing from you guys and I try to get back to everyone. So thank you so much and I'll see you next week on TV Guidance Counselor. [Music]