CPE Church
Proverbs | Wise Words | Matt Fong
- Thanks, Jane, and good morning, everyone. My name's Matt with the passes here at CPE, and we're gonna swap. All right, welcome, everyone. If you're new, you're visiting, such a warm welcome to you. If you're back from holidays, great to have you back. This series that we've been running all the way through January, it's actually a recap series. So this is some stuff that we've looked at last year, but we're bringing back this year to kind of help us think about, well, how do we apply what we learned last year as we're thinking and planning about this year? And so we're gonna be having a look at one of the sermons from our series on Proverbs. Proverbs is a great little wisdom book in the Old Testament, and it's got a lot there about just how you speak. Now, I don't know what kind of story you told earlier, but I have this moment seared into my brain. I think I was about nine or 10 at school, and I was with my mate, it's a good friend of mine, and he was just kind of going on, and I was, you know, as young boys would do, kind of really boasting about all of his athletic exploits. How great he was at the track and field. Listen off all the events that he was, you know, he won or got some medals in, and just how amazing that was. And me kind of feeling like that 10-year-old brain, a little bit insecure, maybe a bit proud itself. Try to find a way to one up that. Like, how do you top that? Well, my 10-year-old brain goes, you know what? I think I found a way. And I listened off the top three, kind of the prettiest girls I could think of in our class, and I was like, hey, you know what? Did you know these girls are all like, they really like me, like they really into me. And straight away, quick as a flash, she's like, oh, really? I'm going to go over there and ask them. Let's see how this goes. And I remember that moment just wanting to be swallowed up, and like, why did I say I was so dumb? And I don't think I spoke to those girls for the rest of the year. Well, that's the story of Proverbs, isn't it, in speech? There's something about the way that we often reap the consequences of what we sow. You see, in the book of Proverbs, it's all about the little moments in life, not the big moments, the little moments, about how you run your household, about how you approach your work, about how you speak. Now, this idea in Proverbs has a central idea, right? This idea that actually, all those little moments, they're like miniaturized moral dramas, a little moral dramas poured out in the center of every human heart, played out in everyday life, in all the little moments, because they reflect actually what's going on inside of us. Now, Proverbs covers a whole range of topics, but one of the main topics that comes up again and again, again, all the way through is a way that we speak. You see, Proverbs, chapter 18 is 21, actually says this, "The tongue has a power of life and death, "and those who love it will eat its fruit." So we are talking, friends, don't worry about Thanos and the Infinity Stones, you can click his fingers and bring death upon the universe or life as well, if he wants to. Proverbs says that actually you have that power in your lips, in the words that you speak. You can bring life or death to people, metaphorically speaking, of course, but that's the power that we have. And I say, hey, you need to take that responsibility seriously, you know? Those who love it will eat its fruit. It's kind of idea that actually, you will also reap the consequences of this, the kinds of relationships that you have with your workmates or your friends at uni or your home life, your marriage, will be in a big part of that, it's gonna be a consequence of how you use your words. And so today's sermon is about how do you use that power wisely to give life and not death, to create harmony, not conflict, to build and not to tear down, to heal and not to harm? And Proverbs gives us a whole bunch of warnings about the ways in which a tongue can be used to harm others. First one, gossip, gossip. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels. They go down to the inmost parts. Gossips is kind of a surprisingly frequent topic in Proverbs. It's this kind of, you know, gossip is a sort of juicy headlines or the gossip magazines or the clickbait titles and articles, you know, celebrity love triangle explodes. You'll never guess who betrayed who. It's not hard to see though how that can transfer into lots of situations, right? This idea is a choice morsels. It's like this attractive thing, like when someone in your workplace promises that they've got some special secret knowledge about a co-worker, about a patient or a client or even about the boss and people kind of gather around 'cause they wanna know you, they wanna get in on it and you kind of feel like, I've got this special noise, I kind of feel a certain pride and superiority and power and having this knowledge. That's why it's a choice. Meal goes down to the inmost parts. So I think means can really deeply affect people, can deeply affect your view of someone or other people's view of someone. So Proverbs constantly rewards against it. Check out these Proverbs. A perverse person stirs up conflict and a gossip separates close friends. A gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy person keeps his secret. Right, there's kind of a perversity about gossip, right? So often what's going on for people is actually, they kind of use this words or this knowledge about others to kind of climb up the social hierarchy, right? People would gather around and watch shows like Gossip Girl, right, Gossip Girl's the whole idea. You kind of people watch it for sport. It's like watching these young women kind of climb up and down the letter by tearing others down and sharing vicious rumors about each other and sharing secrets that others weren't supposed to know. And we watch it for sport, right? Gossip is a very damaging thing. It actually was like, it can separate close friends. It can destroy even relationships between close friends by revealing things that weren't supposed to be revealed. Now, Gossip Girl I think is quite one of these very stark examples of like the damage is very clear and obvious. But here's one that's even more common. One that maybe we probably all have struggled with or maybe been humps-wide. Harsh or reckless words. Prophets 12, 18. The words of the reckless pierce like swords but the tongue of the wise brings healing. See the first thing to say is that there are things that we can say rashly or recklessly and sensitively that can cause real damage. Great pain can be caused by very few words, right? Words, they're actually worse than sticks and stones, aren't they? There are swords and daggers, according to proverbs. Now, why does it happen? What's going on for us then? Well, again, it could be that we're just kind of lack of awareness, lack of sort of sensitivity or social awareness. But for a lot of the time, actually, we do it to cause harm. Sometimes, it's out of our own insecurity. Maybe we just project our own fears and anxieties on others. Sometimes, it's just reckless. Either way, words can cause real harm. See, here's a bunch of words that can cause harm. Harsh startups and criticism of people's character. You say, "Oh, you never do it through this." Or, "You're always like this." Psychism, oh, gee, great job on that. Yelling, "How many times will I have to tell you?" Interrupting. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shame me, I can't believe you. Comparison, why can't you be more like your sister, brother, anyone? Passive-aggressive, oh, fine, I'll do the dishes again. Dismissive, get over it. It's not a big deal. I actually found that list quite a hard thing to write. Maybe partly because I know that some of those have come and injured me at some point, but maybe even more crushing that at different points in my life, I have used that against others. Not only against the people that I've supposed to love the most. What else does this problem say? A hot, tempered person stirs up conflict. But the one who is patient calms a quarrel. Fools give full vent to their age, but the wise bring calm in the end. See, a lot of the way that Proverbs actually kind of always presents you two roads, two paths. You don't have to go down that path. There is an alternative. There is another way. See, Proverbs constantly presents us with a contrast of options. There is another option, being patient, calming quarrels. The wise bring calm in the end. You see, I just want to put yourself into that situation for a moment, just imagine that moment, the quarrel with the friend, spouse, child, whatever it was, and you said something. You said something that was mean or came out of your frustration. You can almost guarantee you in any of those situations you were probably already worked up. Maybe you were rushing. Maybe there was just so much weight on your shoulders already that you were anxious, tired. Chances are, we say those things in those, maybe those rash, reckless hurtful words in those moments. Because actually we're not calm. We're not in a place where we can bring something that's actually helpful and healing for people. No, we jump headlong in, running in on whatever anger or frustration or resentment that we hold against others and we unleash it upon others. Proverbs says there's a better way. You can bring calm. You can be a non-anxious presence. You can have strategies to go and calm yourself down, go for a walk, listen to music, meditate, pray, whatever it takes. What else I wanted to say something, for those who go, well, I feel like I'm constantly on it. I'm always kind of stressed or tired or always on it. Sometimes I think we need to take stop and just consider. Do all the commitments of my life? Does that keep pushing me that way? That maybe working 50, 60, 70 hours a week is not that helpful. Maybe it's that I'm pushing Norway to try and get A pluses when actually maybe just A's or even B's would be okay. And you know, I see this so much, particularly with the young families, because there is so much going on, there's so much tension, there's yelling at the kids, you're dissatisfied with how things are going. Friends often that might be because we've chosen to take too much on. You see, you can always, you can always come back, earn more money, pick up your career, you can always get more clients, whatever you need. What you can't do is go back and redo how you parented your young kids. You only get one chance at that. In fact, how you set up the kind of patterns and things of how you relate and how your kids will see themselves will depend very much on how you speak to them. And so you got to do whatever it takes to kind of create a space that you can be a calm presence, so that you can actually bring your best into your family, into your kids. You see, there's a whole bunch of things. I mean, you could go into all sorts of things that could help with that exercise, sleep, good nutrition, hobbies, healthy boundaries, journaling, mindfulness, time, nature, any of these things, whatever you need to bring your best into your relationship. That's what you've got to do. Now, the wives of the Prudent know how to bring calm. They know how to kind of divert away from their wrath and their anger and others. But there's another option. There's actually another option for those presents, and it's this. Fools show their annoyance at once, but the Prudent overlook an insult. Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the Prudent hold their tongues. The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even tempered. Even fools are thought-wise if they keep silent and discerning if they hold their tongues. Like the old saying goes, finish it for me if you don't have anything nice to say. Don't say anything at all. Right, you can actually, there's a wisdom for knowing when to just hold that tongue that you don't have to kind of chase every little offence, that might be committed against you, that you actually know how to stop and just become and not bring everything up. All right, so there's a lot of bunch of things to avoid in our speech, but what about in the positive sense? What does it look like? What does Prudent say about actually bringing something positive through our words? What's the next topic, honest and gentle words? Proverbs 15-1, a gentle answer turns away Roth, but a harsh word stirs up anchor. An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips, Proverbs 26. You see, Proverbs actually isn't saying therefore that you should just, don't say anything, just shut up, don't say anything at all, and everything will be okay. Actually, it also in a positive way, actually encourage us to be honest, to actually give an answer to things, to speak in a way though that is gentle and kind and patient and loving. See, there's a sense in which we do have to bring stuff up. There are times when actually you do need to actually be honest about what's going on in your heart. If you wanna have a good, honest connection in your relationships and your families, actually you do need to be able to speak openly and honestly, but to do that in a way that doesn't cause harm. See, there's a great book that I read last term. There's actually a couple of good books. One's this one's called Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, and there's another book that's particularly, I think, for parents, how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. A great little book there for parents. You wanna think about your conversations with your kids, but I'll focus on the first one, Nonviolent Communication. You see, in the kind of way that they envisage communication with others, there's two paths you can take. The path of violence, which is the world, as we mostly know it, that is we often look at the world and the people and the things that are happening around us and we interpret them in a particular way, and so what we're doing, we're making lots of judgments and evaluations of people, and then that comes out as us making lots of demands of people. That's where we're harsh or we're rude or we're controlling or we're coercing people. And he makes the point that that's kind of the way that we tend to naturally speak. You don't really need to teach anyone. I need to teach your kids how to demand stuff and to be rude or to speak harshly of others. But he says, well, that's a very violent way of speaking. That's the kind of way of speaking that causes a lot of damage to people. Instead, he says, actually, there is another path. There's a way that's a little bit more gentle, a little bit more kind of holding back on your thoughts and your evaluations, your judgments. And actually, but you can still speak with honesty, with gentleness. And so he says, side with an observation, not passing judgment on a thing, just observing, impassionately, what was the situation? No evaluation, right? Not making any arguments about why someone did something right or wrong, just pointing out some observations, things that you noticed. Next, feelings. Well, how did those actions then impact you? How did they maybe affect how you felt? And then, feelings always kind of point to something deeper inside of us, that maybe we've got a particular need or a value that was deeper inside of us, that maybe you crossed something, you crossed a boundary. And this is where you get vulnerable, so we can express your unmet needs. Or if you're actually on the other end, and someone's speaking to you, you can try and find out what their unmet needs were. You see, most of us weren't really taught how to express needs in that way. I think we're generally pretty bad at that. But actually, once we express actually what's honestly, you know, hard what's going on inside of us, then you can actually request things. Instead of demanding things, don't think someone must do something for you, you simply request, knowing what you've revealed to them, asking that they would do something. Now, I think there's, you know, there's sort of a bit of a cycle in how this works, and I think it's quite a good way of thinking through things. But let me just kind of distill a few key principles from this. It's about withholding judgment and evaluation. If you're someone who's really quick to jump in and to judge someone, to kind of say what you think, say, hey, just slow down a little bit, just hold back on that a little bit. The second part of that is just speaking from your perspective. Again, not from your evaluation, using eye language, speaking from what you notice and what you're feeling, rather than what they did, or what you did, which is confrontational and critical. Speak about your feelings, because actually you also need to reveal how things impacted you, and then revealing your heart's needs, and then it's requesting, not demanding action. You see, I think this is actually all very helpful, isn't it? Doesn't this align well with what we're seeing in proverbs? About speaking honestly, gently, about avoiding reckless and foolish words that cause harm? So honestly, think that if we really took this to heart, we really learned to be people who could speak highly in our marriages, in our families, in your workplaces, to your study mates. It would transform those relationships. See, I don't know what sort of goals you set for yourself or 2025, we often kind of think very individually. So what I want to challenge you is this. Once you set some relationship goals for yourself, we would you like your relationship with your parents, spouse, friends, whatever, workmates, where would you like them to be over the course of this year? And if you want to transform it, the path to that is through your words. Now, let me throw you one little extra bonus section, and this wasn't in the original sermon that we preached a couple of months ago. But quite a few of you were interested in, this might have been actually particularly from a lot of the young adults in our church. We're interested in, how does this apply when speaking to my parents? Right, and I get it, there's sort of an extra level of complication there. You see, for those, if you're a late teen young adult, you're trying to grow into your own skin, you're trying to, you know, you're transitioning into adulthood, it does feel particularly difficult, doesn't it? There's a certain power dynamic, or kind of a way that you've been used to relating to your parents. You know you're supposed to honor your parents. And yet the same time, you're sort of growing into a sense of who you are, that you have needs and hopes and dreams what you'd like for your life. You're especially kind of keen, kind of start growing in your own autonomy and independence. Or maybe you're on the other side of that. You've got kids who are now growing up, suddenly pushing against those boundaries. Or you've got kids who are now adults, and you're trying to work out, well how do I relate now to my adult kids? This definitely seems to me that one of the struggles that parents have is trying to kind of keep moving with the dynamics of how your parenting relationship changes. So you had a bit of a guy kind of just trying to express how like how different things look at every different stage and the different roles that parents can carry throughout the course of one child's lifetime. You know at the start, you just got a little baby, they're probably not saying too much other than a few coups and wheezing. And you're just kind of being there, you're just their caregiver. You're just trying to bond with them, respond to their cues. You're not probably doing a heap, a lot of communication until they start getting a little bit older. But think about it as they grow, right? They grow and they need a safe place to be able to go and explore the world when they get to that toddler phase. Or when they're in school, this might be where you're most active in instruction and in teaching about the world, about God, about their academics, about handling their emotions, about all sorts of things. But as time goes on, you kind of think about the way that changes as a teenager is saying to grow into their skin. And they're actually trying to discover themselves. They're trying to push their boundaries so they can work out who they are. And actually you can't kind of keep the same role. Actually the things that used to work when your kids or younger doesn't work when they're a teenager anymore. And your role has to change. And it means the way that you speak to them has to change. Maybe you take a bit more of a role of being a mentor or a coach, asking more questions, listening, trying to understand they're hard. And the flip side, if you're growing up, you're a young adult, you're a teenager and you're trying to eke out that space. Learning how you can do that in a way that's not angry, demanding, criticizing of your parents. Those roles continue to change. So let me offer a few thoughts on this. Now I actually think that Proverbs again, healthfully has some stuff on this. Proverbs 22.6, train up a child in the way he should go. And when he is old, he will not depart from it. You know I spent part of the school holidays training one of my kids to ride a bike. And at a certain point in time where you realize actually, I think I was the main barrier to their own training, right? 'Cause I was kind of too much around them, like the human training wheel, trying to make sure they're not gonna fall off and graze their leg or whatever. And at a certain point, we're actually, yeah, by standing so close and wanting to be there to catch them and all that, kind of was just impeding their own training. Is what do you gotta do? But some say she's gotta let them go. Maybe they need a little bit of a push, a little bit of encouragement, but basically it's me just letting him go, letting him get used to the feeling of the balance. And then eventually he was able to just start doing it and he was able to launch off for himself. You see, that's why I think this Proverbs is a good analogy for the role that parents have. The callings are that we can hover over them in every moment and make sure they never have any struggles or challenges or to bust through all their problems for them. No, it's to train them. So that eventually we can let them go. And if you train them well, they will continue to go in the way that you train them to go. And so a lot of our role as parents, and I'm a parent now, is about learning how to progressively let go. And if I've trained them, then I've taught them right, then I wanna start giving them some responsibility, giving them a chance to actually own their own growth and development. You see, early on, you know, just a lot of discipline, commandments, teaching your child to obey. That's a big part of it, when they're young. But as they grow, as they develop, yes, your teenagers don't need that kind of demanding nagging parent. They need someone who's gonna empower them and equip them, he's gonna listen more, ask questions. Get them, you know, they're gonna get alongside the teenagers and help them think through their decisions. Asking good questions, equipping for them and how to make their own decisions. And as a young adult, you know, you start getting better at identifying, advocating for your own needs. Calmly, not demanding, not passively aggressive, but you still need to honor your parents. But you see, as a parent, I think the temptation is to hover. It's to be the helicopter parent. But it doesn't work and it doesn't help, and you should just frustrate our kids. So if you want to relate well to your parents, there's a few thoughts. There's a few thoughts. Learn how to identify and advocate for your needs. You're not demanding of things. You're actually taking time to actually examine, well, I've got needs and hopes and dreams for me. How do I start advocating? How do I start talking about them with my parents, right? Another part of that, I think, is actually asking and inquiring about the actual nature of your relationship with your parent. Like, there's a time and a space. And I think this is best done probably by parents rather than by the kids. But as a kid, you can even ask this. Hey, you know, we're coming up to a new stage of life. Like, this is where I feel like I'm at. This is what I'm kind of hoping to do in the future. What do you think about that? Because as those dynamics change, you just want to be actually able to articulate those things. As a parent, kind of thinking ahead and kind of starting initiating that conversation with your kids is exactly going to the, as teenagers or as young adults. Maybe you don't even want to ask your parents some questions. Ask them about what they're anxious about, what they're fearful of. Actually taking interest in what might be going on for them. That might be a new dynamic that you can introduce into your relationship. 'Cause I guarantee you that most of what's coming out from your parents is their fear and their anxiety, speaking from personal experience. Well, the last bit of that is just showing your own independence, right? You kind of, that's what we want to be on about. Kind of eking out some space, have some independence that you can grow into your own skin. Well, part of that's also showing that you can do it. That you can put boundaries around your video gaming and that you actually get your study done. Or that you can actually go and sit interviews and get a job and earn some money and work towards financial independence. See, these are kinds of things that you can be doing as a child. And if you're facing lots of difficulties with that, there's a lot of controlling, coercing, shaming, demanding type of behavior for your parents. I do suggest going and talking to one of your youth leaders or one of the pastors here at church and kind of help you navigate some of those spaces. But okay, in that little discourse, let's move on to what is one of my favorite proverbs on this topic, it's this one, Proverbs 1624. Gracious words are a honeycomb. Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. I don't know if there's a more beautiful proverb in the whole book, the way that it just shows that actually, just as damaging as words can be, words can be phenomenally healing as well. And I love it because that means it doesn't matter how many mistakes or regrets that you have in your relationship, in your marriage, in your relationship with your kids. No matter how broken you feel like it is, no matter how much you feel like you've been just stuck in these negative cycles of arguments and conflicts, there is a way back through our words. And that path of gonna require a lot of work, humility, candor, grace, mercy, you need money to examine as well what's in your heart, what's been going on for you and own up to any unhealthy patterns that you've had that you brought out on others. Friends, that is a confronting and difficult task. But the promise is that our words, if we do the work, we can bring healing to our relationships, healing in our marriages, healing to our kids. You know, words that are sweet to the soul, healing to the bones. You know, it's said that in most relationships, a healthy relationship has five points, five points of positive affirmations and encouragements to every one negative thing said in that relationship. That's a pretty high conversion rate there, isn't it? Five positive things. So we ask you, how affirming and encouraging are you in your relationships? How much do you actually just say how proud you are of your kids or how much you appreciate your spouse? What's the first group without getting all that affirmation that we really needed? But there's always an opportunity to kind of bring that now into our current relationships and pass it on for the next generations. You see, ultimately, I think it's all about the heart, really. Our words reveal what's in our heart. This is what Jesus said about this, Luke 6, 20, 45. Good thing that slide up, guys. A good man brings good things that are the good stood up in his heart and an evil man brings evil things that are the evil sore up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. So I think that's what it's all about when it comes down to it. It's all about what's in our heart. What's in your heart will inevitably come out in the way that you speak. It's going to show itself. Now, if your words are going to be the truth reflection of your heart, and so it works in your heart. If it's full of pride or anger, fear, it's full of pain and wounds or trauma, that's what's going to come out of you. That's going to show itself in its words. You know, one interesting tip that I've found that's been quite helpful in reading this space is one of the questions worth asking yourself is how do you speak to yourself? How do you speak to yourself? Do you have compassion and judgment on yourself? Well, actually, are you actually pretty harsh on yourself? See, there's people who can't be kind to themselves because they feel like they don't deserve it, right? Perfectionists definitely know this. So if you think really lowly of yourself, you tend to find ways to kind of assert yourself over others and maybe to boast, to gossip, big note yourself, covering up your flaws. And it's really interesting, like always find kind of therapy land kind of really interesting and a lot of the therapy talk that will be out there is this. Let's say the answer to this is this, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-love. You've got to re-parent yourself, right? You've got to go back into your childhood and look at the inner child that's inside you and kind of bring something different to that inner child that maybe you were missing from your parents. I think that's actually all well and good. I actually think that's probably quite a healthy process. But what if I told you this? What if I told you there is a perfect forgiving kind of love that you can experience, that there is compassion and love to be found somewhere, but not from any human being? What if I told you there's a heavenly father whose grace and mercy means that you are completely accepted, that you have nothing to prove to anyone who freely gives what you don't deserve, who can feel you with love and security beyond compare, who knows your past and your traumas, your mistakes and your regrets, and he loves you anyway. What if I told you there's a father, who wants to heal your wounds, who wants to grow you to be a mature, self-giving person of love, who invites you into his family to learn and to be discipled, to be like Jesus? You see, one John says his, "In this is love." Not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. See friends, for your heart to be transformed, and for your words to be transformed, what you need deep down is to experience God's love for you. And when that love starts to transform and shape your heart with all its love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness, you will become more of a person who speaks with love, compassion, kindness and forgiveness. So here's my question for you. As you think about your relationship goals, start here. Start in your relationship with God, spending time with him, experiencing his love for you. Because I guarantee you, as you start to dwell on that, as he let God repair you, he will shape your heart, and from your heart would flow those words that are sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Friends, we do desperately need God's help with this, don't we? So let me pray for that right now. Let's pray. Our gracious Heavenly Father, you have shown us an extraordinary love to us in Christ, that even though we were sinners, even though we were rebellious, you sent your son to die for us. Father, we ask for the work of your spirit to shape and mold our hearts. As we look upon the cross, the love and kindness, gentleness and compassion that you have shown us would heal us, would fulfill us, and would change us. All the ways that we use our words to harm, we would use it to heal. That you would change our words to be kind and gracious and passionate like yours. Father, we need your help. Father, we ask for those of us who have been reeling from hurt and trauma that have been perpetrated against us. Will you heal our hearts? Will you help us turn to the one place that we can find a true, unconditional love that which we find in Jesus? This we ask in His name, amen. All right, well friends, why don't you take a few moments now just to reflect on yourself. Maybe there's a prayer or something that you need to bring to God when you take some time to do that now. (gentle piano music) (gentle piano music) (gentle music)
Wisdon is een most clearly in our relationship throgh the way we speak to one another. Wise speech is gracious and patient, not harsh and damaging.