Bitchslap
Melrose Place S3 E27 - Hose By Any Other Name
Michael is furious, Matt meets a guy, Jake is wearing only a towel, Sydney gets into hosiery, Jo is horny, Jane finds a brick, Alison is screaming, Billy takes a jacuzzi, and Amanda’s plan works.
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- Duration:
- 58m
- Broadcast on:
- 31 Jul 2024
- Audio Format:
- mp3
[MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, welcome to Bitch Slap. This is Melrose Place, season three, episode 27. A hose by any other name. Good one. Was there a hose in this episode? There is panty hose. That's true. That's true. OK, good. Cozery. There's a lot to talk about in this episode. Let's get right into it. We begin with Michael storming into Melrose Place to scream in Amanda. And she's like Cheery given the situation because she has a restraining order now. Yeah, and that's why he's mad. And he's like, I loved you. I saved your life. And he tears up the restraining order. Like, that does anything. Yeah, now it's gone. He-- he's like, you have snake venom in your veins. And then he says, I should have let you die. And she says, better luck next time. And then we get a sick electric guitar. Yeah, well, not until he says, I promise you, Amanda, they'll be a next time. Yeah, then it's like-- [MUSIC PLAYING] We get a few of those. Yeah. And this is like the very short cold open before we get to the credits. After the credits, Joe goes to Jake's apartment to talk to Jess. You know she got fucked good, because she's dressing cute again. I know. Like, I loved this outfit with her little sheer black flocked kind of floral shirt. It was like a sheer black t-shirt with a tank top underneath. Yeah, but it had like this flocked floral in the black. It was really cute. It was a black floral, and like a puff sleeve. It was really cute. Oh, I didn't notice the puff sleeve. I just noticed it, because I was like, I love that shirt. It was really cute, though. Oh, wait, maybe we're talking about two different shirts, because Sydney had a puff sleeve, and it was sheer. I thought this one was a little puffed. I mean, that's what I wrote for her right here. But anyway, I do think she's dressing cuter again. She is. And he's like, don't worry, Jake's in the shower, because he starts kissing her immediately. I was like, that's right in here. Yeah, he's here. That's not-- don't worry. Jake comes out of the shower with a towel around his waist, looking so fucking hot. He does this whole scene just wet in a towel. You can see his dick in the towel. It's crazy. And he's like, hey, Joe. Now, Jake is also-- do you know, like, when someone like Jake, who is cold and can't get his feelings together, realizes, though, he's losing someone, and he gets real, like, all of a sudden, vulnerable. Yeah. I feel like I'm sensing that with Jake, and it's really sad. It's really sad, and it's like, look at them together. Look at the two of them. Who is the guy you want to fuck more? Jake is like a little sad puppy. I know. He realizes his mistake. Yeah. And she's like, oh, I got the job. That's the mistake. She had to-- He lost that. He lost that. He got-- she got some job, and he's like, that's great. And then she's like, but I got to go. My shoot's in an hour. Thanks. At D&D, Allison is screaming at someone on the phone because they didn't make the print for glorious gowns not horizontal. She's actually incredibly incompetent. She's really bad at this. Yeah. Like, I know she's kind of being sabotaged, but she was struggling before. She was struggling before. And she also-- it was such a bad decision on her part to take the fake Amanda route because she's not good at doing it. Yeah, because no one's going to be on her side now. And helping her. And they don't even respect her. Yeah. No, she's really fumbled. Then she yells at Amanda, and she's like, you have a blatant disregard for detail. And Amanda's like, I'm sorry, Allison, but you should have been on it. This is the deal. This is advertising. This is the advertising world, babe. Yeah. Stressful. Allison's like, I'm on DU. And Billy's like, hey, Allison, can I talk to you in your office for a minute? Amanda-- wait, does she go talk to Allison? No, Billy talks to Allison. What are they-- There's like a mutiny on hand. Like, if she doesn't get her act together. OK. I'm sorry, because I-- OK, I wrote this down wrong. Allison tells Billy that the board is losing confidence in her and that she thinks Amanda's ready to go in for the kill. Right, they've put her on notice. Yeah. And Billy's like, you're being paranoid. And she's like, if Gloria Scowns doesn't get this printout on time, we'll miss all the June bride magazines. What's the printout to put in magazines? Yeah. It's like the print ad. Like, the print needs to be done. Look, I'm not Amanda Woodward. I'm just trying to figure it out. Because they're saying printout, like, it's something they're printing out, rather than something that goes in the magazine. I'm just confused. I think it's like the final printout so they can send it to the magazine. And send it to the magazine. Got it. This is before they could have sent, like, a PDF, or what I would jpeg. I don't know what they would have sent now. Anyway, she's like freaking out. And Billy's trying to, like, talk her off the ledge. And he's like, just call the printer and give them more money, if you have to, to get the print faster. Because they have to get a new print, because whoever Allison was screaming out earlier was like, did it horizontally or didn't do it horizontally? One of the other. They didn't do it right. So she has to get, like, a new printout ASAP. And that's, like, going to be nearly impossible. At the hospital, Sydney waltzes into the locker room where Michael is. And she is wearing a very chic red skirt suit with a black beret. Yes, she's in her hat era. And she's in her skirt suit era. Yes, she's a business lady now. No, she's, like, business Barbie. Yeah. Michael goes, oh, jeez. As soon as she-- he doesn't even know what this is about. And already, he's, like, irritated. And she's like, I just bailed out Jane's business with your money. And she's like, and I want to be partners again. He's like, oh, yeah, right. And then she's like, how about we have dinner tonight at the beach house? And he goes, hmm, well, I could use a good meal. He's just so-- he's, like, on to the next. Let's move on. He's like, y'all fuck my ex-wife. I don't care. Back at Kimberly's boot camp, the girls are doing their self-defense exercises. And obviously, like, Kimberly and Mackenzie Phillips are still fighting with each other. So they're, like, Kimberly's going a little too hard. They really gave Mackenzie Phillips, like, a nothing role. This was shocking. Do you know what I mean? Like, she should have been the person in charge. She should have been the instructor, no shade to this guy who I thought did fine. But just, like, to give her more of a conflict, you know? It's just weird that they cast someone as big of a star as Mackenzie Phillips in this, like, such a small role with barely any lines. Yeah. No, I agree. The instructor tells Kimberly to get with the program. And Kimberly volunteers to help him demonstrate the choke hold move. Yeah. And he demonstrates it on-- he demonstrates it on her very, like, gently, obviously. And now it's her turn to do the move on him. And boy, does she do it. First, she, like, knees him in the nuts. This guy gets his ass kicked. He gets his ass kicked by Kimberly. Then she breaks his arm. This kind of stuff stresses me out. Like, if I ever broke someone's arm, I wouldn't-- I couldn't live. I would be so upset by this, like-- Well, yeah. I mean, she's a psychopath. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. And she's also really proud of herself. I would throw up, probably. If I was doing something like, broke someone's arm, I would vomit, like-- Also, he doesn't immediately kick her out after this is crazy. Yeah, because it was so, like, intentional. Yeah, and she's, like, smiling like a psycho afterwards. Right, she's not even like, oh my god. No, she's, like, proud of herself. At the beach house, Sydney pours champagne. Michael's like, yeah. No, the Kimberly's out of here. I can't afford the rent anymore. It's too bad. Nice place. It's like, how did you ever afford it? This is a house on the beach in Malibu. Even in 1995, this would have been so expensive. Yeah, I mean, we know it's really an oxnard, but technically it's in Malibu. In the show, it's in Malibu. Yeah, like, that's, even doctors couldn't afford this. Residents, like, for sure. Residents, residents, residents. So, Sydney's like, why don't I pay half the rent? And he's like, what do you mean? And she's like, I'll pay the rent if I can get what I want. And he's like, oh, yeah, what might that might be? Yeah, she's an idiot. She's so dumb. He's not even really into it. Like, he's not that interested in fucking her. They do end up fucking right. But it's kind of like, he just wants the rent. This is what I'm talking about with like, how is she spending all this money on rent and investing money in Jane's business? I don't think she's spending it yet. I think it's her plans to spend it. Yeah. She thinks that this $100,000 is going to net her more money. I guess it's just funny to me because it's like, Jane's business is not making money. Right, but she thinks if I invest this money and I start running things, we're going to be millionaires. Yeah, so she has all these plans. And then I can already, I can take some money out to rent. And she's already told Michael, I'm going to put you on the payroll. So she has an employee now. No, she's crazy. She's also clearly bought a whole new wardrobe. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's true because now she's exclusively wearing skirt suits. Yeah. At Shooters, Jane is wearing the iconic Vivian Tam Mao Zedong mesh top. Yeah. This is an item. This is a vintage item that goes for like, minimum $1,000. Oh, yeah, it's like a hot-- It's a hot piece. It's still a hot piece. It's like a very important fashion item. I'd kill for a Vivian Tam Mao Zedong piece myself. And I don't even like Mao Zedong. I mean, just Jane. [LAUGHTER] She's a huge fan. She loves it. She loves the Chinese revolution. No, no, that was funny to see. No, but it looked really cute. I only-- I just didn't like that she had this dumb denim vest over it. Of course. She's going to ruin it somehow. Well, that's like a show piece. You have to show that off. You don't put a denim vest over it, of all things. Come on. It obscures it too much. Yes. And it's like, you just need to wear that. That needs to be this standout focal point. Absolutely. Anyway, she's talking to Joe, and Joe reveals-- She's like, Jane, I'm having the most intense passionate relationship of my life. And Jane's like, oh my god, Joe, who is it? And Joe's like, I don't think I should say. But she breaks in like one second. Yeah, Jane is like, oh, Joe, just tell me. Give me something. OK, it's just Jake's brother. Jane is like, oh my god, your hunk of burning love is Jake's brother. And she's like, Joe, I think you need to keep this a secret for as long as possible. Yeah. And Joe's like, you bet I am. Back at the beach house, Sydney and Michael are in bed and Michael's like hideous bedspread. This is like a whole new hideous bedspread. Yeah, he doesn't pick him good. Women and bedspread. Can't pick him. Michael looks very pleased with himself. They probably have good sex, those two. I bet they do have good sex. But he definitely looks more pleased with himself that he's just such a scumbag. Yeah, because it's like, yeah, he's getting paid to do this. He's getting paid. He had a free meal, and he had sex. And that's good enough for him. This is amazing. And he's got his side job as a doctor. Yeah, he's got his side hustle at Wilshire Memorial. And Sydney's like, just like old times, Michael. And he's like, yeah, we weren't all that happy. Yeah, he's like, I hate to remind you. And she's like, yes, we were. And he goes, whatever you say, you're the one with the checkbook. He couldn't be more clear. And she's like, well, I have to go. I have major meetings in the morning. And Michael starts laughing. He's like, what meetings? And she's like, you know, Michael, you better learn to behave, because I'll keep you on the payroll on a month-to-month basis. She's got him on retainer. Not even. It's month to month. Billy and Brooke are in a jacuzzi at her house. It's like a bubble bath. It's like huge bubbles. But I bet it has jets. Yeah, but you can't turn the jets on or the bubbles get too big. Made that mistake before. I lived in a house once where the bathtub had jets. Yeah. And as a kid, it was like the most fun thing in the world. Right, but you couldn't put bubbles then, because the jets made them too big. Oh, I did anyway. I did too, but you had to be careful. You really did have to be careful. Because it like, judged them up. It did. It foamed them too much. You know, when you're a kid and you just love overflowing a bathtub, where the bubbles would literally be up to your head, and your face was just in it, your face is just so good. I know it was the best feeling in the world. They start talking shit about Allison. They're like, she's doing such a crappy job at D&D. And everyone hates her. And Billy's like, yeah, and the board's unhappy with their two. He totally, he totally narks on Allison. That was a secret. But you know what, she narked on his secret about Amanda having cancer. This is kind of like karma coming for Allison, that she blabbed to everyone in L.A. County, that Amanda Woodward had cancer. And to be fair, Billy doesn't know Brooke is evil yet. Like he doesn't know she's like spying for Amanda. Right. So Brooke is like feigning concern. She's like, hmm, poor Allison. I love that she does things like poor Allison, but then she's like, she looks, she's like, God, this juicy tea, can't wait to tell Amanda. The next day at boot camp, the instructor's arm is in a cast. This is so sad, it's in a cast and a sling. And Kimberly's happily doing sit-ups and looking like a deranged person. And the whole camp of women are standing behind her and the instructor is squatting behind her and they are just ready to kick her out. And to be honest, I'm ready to, because I'm sick of this story, like it's so boring. It's sort of like, I got it. I could've got it episode, the first episode. This is two episodes, come on. I was dreading this storyline, even though it's only two episodes, but it's two episodes too long. It's so boring. So the instructor's like, well, Kimberly, we all felt that you've accomplished so much here that you're free to go home today, now. And she's like, I don't think I've learned everything I can possibly learn. And then he's like, well, you're getting an early graduation. And she's like, great. Yeah, they're like, get the hell out of here, bitch. (laughing) At D&D, Brooke tells Amanda about the board meeting. And Amanda is like on fire. No, she is rock hard when she hears this information. Like it is exactly what she's been hoping for. I think even if you weren't scheming to do a coup and you heard this information about a coworker you hated, like you'd be like, holy shit. It feels great. Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm not crazy. Everyone else hates this bitch too. Well, that's the sort of sad thing. They did sort of help it along, but she would have been there eventually, anyhow. She's so bad at this. Yeah. And so, Amanda is like, by the way, are you fucking Billy? Yeah, she knew. She knew, she could tell. And then Amanda gives Brooke her next instructions on how to like seal the deal and like get Alison booted. So she's like, I need you. Like she's like, I can't explain, I just need you to do this. I need you to take the glorious gowns, add to a new printer and pay them triple to have them like printed out today. Yeah. And which is crazy 'cause it's like, why didn't Alison do this? No, see, this is why she's incompetent. Yeah, like that, I was like, this is not a revolutionary idea, paying a company like four times as much to get a turnaround fast to do a rush. Yeah, and if it's someone you work with all the time, of course they would do it. Like Alison's crazy that she didn't do the same thing. Yeah, and so, as soon as Brooke leaves to go do this, Amanda picks up the phone and she calls the printer that like the company has been using like, 'cause she sent Brooke to go to a different printer. Right. So she calls the original printer that like has the account with D&D. And she's like, hi, this is Alison Parker, and I just wanna let you guys know that we actually don't need that, those prints like tomorrow. You can like take your time. Yeah, so she's like, she's making sure her plan works. Yeah, I wish she did like a more mean imitation. I know. It's Alison. Yeah, that would have been funny. At the hospital, we meet a new plastic surgeon whose name is Dr. Paul Graham. Dr. Paul Graham. Sorry, I'm calling him Dr. Paul from now on. I'm not calling him Dr. Graham now. He's a Dr. Paul. Michael is walking and talking with him in the hall and he's like, yeah, you're a plastic surgeon, huh? You got any patients, big tits? I couldn't believe that. He's so gross. And Dr. Paul is like, I'm not that kind of plastic surgeon. I like repair children's cleft lips. Yeah, I'm like burned and noble plastic surgeon. Yeah, he doesn't do like cosmetic plastic surgery. He like helps the children. Michael's like, hmm, okay. I've heard of that. I've heard of that before. Matt runs into them in the hallway and Michael introduces Matt to Dr. Paul. And Matt's like, hey, Michael, are you going to that Dr. fundraiser tonight? And Michael's like, yeah, I don't know. I'm not taking anyone. Are you taking anyone? And Matt's like, well, no, not since Jeffrey and I split up and you see Dr. Paul's ears perk up the second. The second he learns that Matt dated someone named Jeffrey. First of all, this whole scene is so stupid 'cause why would Matt give a shit when Michael was doing like, they're not friends? No, no, he thinks Michael's disgusting. I love that he'd be like, are you going tonight too? Like, what do you care? That was so funny. I mean, he's just to have this interaction purely, but like, it's very funny. They should have overheard Matt talking to a nurse and been like, bitching about Jeffrey or something. Yeah, it's just funny that they had to include Michael. Yeah. And then so when Matt leaves, Dr. Paul says, is that guy gay? Okay, I forgot this storyline until like the second to last scene of the episode or whatever, but I was like, okay, I don't remember exactly what happens, but this guy's either going to do a hate crime or he's going to start a relationship with Matt 'cause the way he says it could have gone either way. Right, 'cause at the very least, you're kind of like, is he closeted? So, and sometimes that can, you know, in soap opera, they'll be like angry and like hurt the person or something. That's like a common soap opera storyline. I also like that Michael, like every once in a while, he does have this sense of morality. And he's like, yeah, what's the big deal? Right. (laughs) What's it do you? The thing about Michael is he's like very progressive about all these social issues, but in his personal life, he's a fucking monster. Right. And this guy is like, Dr. Paul is like blown away that Matt's out, not only is he out, but he's just like, you know, it's just like no big deal. Yeah, and he's like very comfortable with himself. Michael would be that guy who would get called out on Twitter to circuit 2016, and they'd be like, you know that leftist doctor everyone's obsessed with? Well, guess what? He, he married my sister after he cheated on me with his coworker and he's a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. But they're always posting things like, you know, pro women. We love the women. Two stories, three retweeting me two stories, but then they're treating women like shit. Right. He's that guy. He's the fake feminist guy. So we go to Jane Mancini designs. And Jane's like, Sydney, why did you hire Michael? (laughing) This is crazy. And Sydney's like, I'm sorry, Jane. I got a business meeting. I can't talk right now. I mean, why, it's like, what is your reasoning, even though I know it's fake? Like, why would you hire Michael for anything at Jane Mancini designs? Do you know what I mean? Like, what's his position? He's already an investor. It's so dumb. So Sydney goes to a lunch meeting where she meets her potential business partners, Vincent Connell and his partner, Jim Stone. And these guys could not look more shady. No, they're like completely like mobby. Yeah, like that's like the way the dialogue they gave these guys is like so mafia coated. But they also have like accents, like not Italian accents, but they're like, so we got these, they got, they got these like Sopranos jersey accents. Yeah, it's very funny. It's like, yeah, walk out of this meeting immediately, Sydney, you idiot. She's so stupid. Vincent is like, so my associates and I have, if someone says associates, that's not legitimate. Like everything this guy says is like a red flag. He's like, so my associates and I have a cheap source of pantyhose in China, but we need a designer label to slap on them. This whole thing is just so shady. And Sydney's like, uh huh, tell me more. Yeah. And she, I like had to rewind this scene two times 'cause I didn't quite get their scheme really, but basically they're like, we just need you to put Jane Mann's scene, he's label on the cheap pantyhose and we'll give you 50 cents on each sale of pantyhose and $100,000 up front for the licensing. And Sydney's like, well, how many pantyhose are we gonna sell? And they're like, it don't even matter. (laughing) We don't even need to sell any pantyhose. She's like, not to you, she got another scheme going on. Yeah, yeah, they're like, don't worry about that, sweetheart. And she's like, cool. How about you make it 60 cents for pantyhose and $125,000 and they're like, sure, whatever, okay. She thinks she's driving a hard bargain and it's embarrassing 'cause they immediately agreed to it, they're like, whatever. Well, the other thing is earlier in the meeting, they also mentioned Lauren, like they clogged. Oh yeah. They knew that she had worked for Lauren and she at first was like, go to hell and was about to leave the meeting. But then they're like, you know, we just thought you had smarts. Yeah, I mean, the truth is that was the correct instinct when she realized where they knew her from to leave. Right. 'Cause Lauren is shady, yeah. Anyway, let's take a quick break here. We'll be right back. (upbeat music) There is a gym at Wilshire Memorial Hospital. This was sad. Yeah. Maybe they do have gyms at hospitals for the people who work there. I buy that they have a gym. What really made me laugh though was Matt's workout clothes. Yeah. What was he wearing? I felt like it was sort of like a polo shirt with pants that were kind of sweatpants but they seemed a little stiff. It just didn't look like gym clothes to me. Yeah. I almost felt like they were khakis but I don't think they were just based on the way he looked. It didn't look like someone who was truly working out to me. I don't know, it was very funny. Well, he's gonna like do some bench pressing. Yeah, he's, he needs a spotter. And he needs a spotter so he asks Dr. Paul to help him and they're like talking and Dr. Paul just moved here from Ohio and they're like checking each other out. Like it's clear there's something going on. That night, Sydney returns home and sees Jess go into Joe's apartment. I mean, this is the worst person to see your business. The worst. I mean, come on. 'Cause she's gonna use this. Especially with the Jake thing, right? Like, yeah. And so Jess tells Joe in her apartment, he feels, he's like trying to be the good guy. He's like pretending he feels bad about they're making or fucking because of Jake. And Joe is like, I don't care. I'm just blown away by Joe. Like in this moment, like I can't believe what she's doing. I truly can't. Like with everything you know about Jake, you think he would be fine with this? Also, this is not like, this is not someone you were like deeply in love with. Even then it would be fucked up. 'Cause how did you even get to that point? This is someone you're just starting to wanna fuck. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's the easy time to break it off. Like, and like right after the death of their mother. Oh, I mean, it's their sex. So me, my hair is sick. (laughing) And Jess is like, I'm crazy about you, Joe. I'd never cause you pain. He's doing the thing where he like preamps her worries by saying what he knows she's gonna be worried about, which makes him look good. Yeah. Like he's such a con artist. Yeah. And she's like, I want you to stay over. And they start going at it. This is so funny. And what happens? (laughing) And we all of a sudden go to Sydney's apartment where she hears banging and crashing and moaning sounds. And it's so loud. It sounds like thunder. No, and they're like, ugh. Joe's like, ugh. Did you have your subtitles on? Because mine said, oh God. No, I didn't. That's hilarious. I don't know who said that. But Sydney can hear all of this 'cause she lives in the apartment next door and she puts her ear up to the wall and she's like, Jesus. Well, 'cause they love fucking up against a wall. That's like their thing. Yeah. And they're literally like fucking right by the entrance. Yeah. Right, up front. Yeah. Like at least don't do it on a joined wall, like. Don't do it on a hard surface that's gonna make noise. Do it on your bed, at least. So the next day at Shooters, Sydney marches over there to talk to Jake. And we learned that Sydney quit without telling Jake. He's like, what are you doing here? No, that was sick of her. Like, that was so mean. He gave her a job when she didn't have anything. Yeah. How do you do that? She's so dumb. For your business, which you don't even have to really do anything. And I love Sydney, but she's like, does some real bonehead shit. Yeah. So she's like, well, how about this? Jess and Joe, they're fucking, I saw them last night. Yeah. And Jake, he like kind of knows, right? Well, his worst fears have been confirmed. So it's not like something he's like, no, they're not. He was just like, fuck. So Jake immediately leaves Shooters after hearing this. And he walks over to Melrose Place, and he goes into Joe's apartment. And she's like, Jake, I'm gonna have a shoot. And he's like, I don't care, sit down. Yeah. And then he starts yelling at her. He's like, what do you hate my guts? Tell what this is about? You're trying to get back at me? Screw my brother. And then he says, if you wanted a man in your bed, Joe, I could have helped you out. Yeah, that's a sad thing to say. (laughing) And she's like, Jake, there are some real feelings there. And then Jake says, oh, you have real feelings for a total loser? He went there. And you know what? (laughing) He's not there. That's how much of a loser, Jess is like that. He said that about his own brother. That was crazy. And he's so fucking pissed off, he leaves. At Jane Mancini Designs, Sydney meets with the pantyhose guys. Like they come over with their pantyhose. They come over with boxes of their pantyhose. And she introduces them to Jane. And Jane's like, and Sydney's like, these are our new business partners. And Jane's like, what the hell, Sydney? 'Cause she like spots immediately that this is very shady. She's like, yeah, she knows this is a shady operation. And Sydney made this deal behind her back without even getting a lawyer involved. Like, Sydney is not someone who gets, some things are too good to be true. Like, why is she not being like, why are you just giving me 100 grand? And we have no proven track record that we can sell anything. (laughing) Do you know what I mean? - Jane's really dumb for this. - Yeah. And so Sydney's like, whatever, Jane. And then Jim, one of the pantyhose guys is like, I really like the way you stood up to your sister. Yeah. And he's like, how about you have dinner with me tonight? And she's like, cool. Yeah, she's like, I'm a fucking player. I'm a business woman. (laughing) At the hospital, Dr. Paul finds Matt and they're all being all flirty. And he asks Matt out and Matt's like, yeah, that'd be great. He loves it. At D&D, I mean, Matt practically does that, like, where they click their heels together thing after, he asks, he's like, a surgeon just asks me out. Like, this is gonna be so cool. Right, 'cause he's like, the last time it was a scummy cop. Like, finally someone like, it's like, ooh, like, I'm a surgeon. Tell my mom it's a doctor. Like, at D&D, Allison talks to the printers that we're supposed to do this, like, rush job for her. And they're like, well, we just talked to you. And you said not to rush it. And she's like, I didn't call. Yeah. And then she gets off the phone and immediately is like, I know you did this. I know you pretended to be me. She's so right, but she like, can't prove anything. And at this point, she looks so paranoid. No one even believes her. Yeah, she really, like, set herself up to fail with this. Yeah, and that's what's so stupid about her. Not only is she bad at her job, she's bad at playing the game when someone's trying to sabotage her. Right. Like, she can't even play that game. She can't even play that game or, like, be chill and move silently and deadly. No, she's horrible. (laughing) If I were Alice and if you really wanna be, like, about it, like, I would have, like, tapped all the work phones and been like, who's talking to who? How is she so bad at this? It's like, you've been dealing with this for three seasons now. And don't trust Brooke, even if she's all sweet to you, you just met her. You can't trust anybody in this situation. And that's why she's such a fool for being mean to everyone. 'Cause no one's gonna have her back. Everyone fucking hates her. Yeah, you know? She should've been, like, paying everyone, like, bonuses and stuff and, like, being so nice to everyone. I think the thing with Amanda outside of, like, Alison, who she just was mean to sometimes, I do feel like when Amanda snapped at people, it was probably deserved, but not, it was outsized. She shouldn't talk to people that way, but at least it was for something they did. So I think people could at least respect that. Yeah, and also, since she was such a shark, like, she was so good at her job, no matter, like, how much of a bitch she was, that was just the way it is. Also, I think everyone wanted to be her. Yeah. 'Cause she was in control. No one wants to be Alison. Because Amanda looks so cunty in her little, like, red power suit, and Alison just can't pull it off the same way. Yeah. So she starts yelling at Amanda and accuses her of, like, sabotaging the printing job. And Amanda's like, I'm sorry, Alison, but you're screwing up all by yourself. And then Amanda's like, okay, here's what you're gonna do. When we have the board meeting tomorrow, you're gonna tell them that it was my fault. And like, that's just the way it is. And Alison's like, I don't trust you. Yeah, finally. It doesn't even matter at this point. It's like, it's at the hospital, Kimberly's back. Michael's like, what the hell are you doing here? He thought she was gonna just shrivel up into a ball and die, but she's invigorated. Yeah, she's invigorated. And he's like, I need you to get your shit out of the beach house. And she's like, I already did that, Michael, this morning. Oh, and here are your keys. And he's suspicious. And she's like, oh, and I'm not leaving LA. I'm back permanently. And Michael's like, well, not if I have anything to do with it, what's it gonna do? Yeah, and then she's like, well, actually your days are numbered here. So like, how about that? Yeah, they're like, I love it. 'Cause I wanna see those two go at it, death until one of them dies. (laughing) So, Sydney's dinner date with this guy, Joe Pannyhose, is at Kianti Kucchina. They love this restaurant. The exterior. They have that exterior shot and they're gonna use it. Yeah. Jim Pannyhose asks her what her plans are for the business. And he's like, I just wanna know everything about you. How'd you get into this business? How are you so young and you already run a company? And like, where'd you even get the seed money or whatever, or like the investing money? Yeah. And she's like, oh, let's just say I'm a really clever girl. (laughing) She's always clever, but then extremely un-clever a moment later. That takes away all the work she put in. Yeah, yeah. Brooke and Allison are talking as they're leaving D&D. They're like walking out to their cars and Brooke is like, Allison, why don't you just take a break? Go to a movie, get a massage. And Allison's like, oh, I guess you're right. And she's like, oh, Brooke, I can always count on you. And then Brooke gets into a limo. She is a limo waiting for her outside of D&D. Outside of D&D, picking her up after work. This is so gross. And she's like, bye Allison, and she gets in the limo, and Billy is waiting for her with champagne, and they start making out. And Allison's sitting on the outside of the window of the limo 'cause it's like, you can't see inside. 'Cause it's tinted. Yeah, and we just see Allison. (laughing) We see her waving goodbye with a goofy grin on her face. And Billy and her, and they're like, tongues are down each other's throats. And Allison's like, bye. Bye guys, thanks for your support. (laughing) The next day, Jess meets Joe at the beach. She's like, kind of on a shoot. I saw some equipment there. And Jess is like, well, Jake is giving me this silent treatment, but nothing's gonna stop me from seeing you, and I'm not gonna give you up. He's so, I hate him, you know, he's gross. He's just so dumb. And they start kissing, she's like, oh my God. This is so passionate. (laughing) It's unbridled. (laughing) Not unbridled. She's so, you know. Kimberly runs into Matt on his lunch break, and Matt is like deep in conversation with like an elder staff member at the hospital. Like it looks like Matt is like having a really interesting conversation with this guy, who probably has like some stories. Matt's like the only professional at this hospital. He actually takes his job very seriously. And Matt has like the respect of everyone. Yeah. So Kimberly interrupts this conversation and kicks this elderly staff member out of his seat, and Matt's like, wait, I was talking to him. And she's like, bye bye now. And then she sits down and Matt's like, your narcissism never ceases to amaze me. And she's like, oh Matt. And she's like, I just, I wanna apologize. And he's like, what do you want? (laughing) And she's like, I just, I really, I wanna apologize. And he doesn't buy it. And she's like, look, I swear I'll do anything in the future to help you with your professional career or whatever else you need. And he's like, why? And she's like, because I've done a lot of damage. And he's just like dumbfounded. He's like, what's going on? I can't, I do respect Kimberly for finally recognizing that Matt is the best ally you can have, but she's a little too late 'cause she's already hate crimes him. Like you just can't, there's no coming back from that. You can't come back from a hate crime. No, I'm sorry. And D&D, it's the board meeting. It's the meeting with the board. And they're like gonna discuss the status of the "Glorious Gowns" campaign because like, Alison couldn't get the prints in time. Yes. So she needs to like beg for their forgiveness and explain herself. And attending this board meeting is of course, Amanda, Brooke, and Billy. And whoever did wardrobe was like, you know, really genius. I mean, it's so obvious, but like, it's just like perfect 'cause she's wearing this like buttercream colored skirt suit while Amanda is wearing her signature red skirt suit. Right. So that's the tell. We know what's gonna happen here. Yeah, the rules are about to reverse in like two seconds. Mr. McGovern, who's like on the board, I don't know. I like how the board just convenes within like seconds notice. Like, yeah. And then anyone's invited to the meeting, even Brooke. Like, why is Billy there? Why is Brooke there? Yeah, it should just be Alison. I feel like it should just be Alison. It shouldn't be Amanda. No. 'Cause she got like demoted. So, Alison is, Alison does what Amanda told her to do. And she's like, Mr. McGovern, the reason it's late is because Amanda, you know, screwed up. And like, this is on her. And Mr. McGovern gets furious when Alison blames someone else for this happening. He's like, this is not a schoolyard. Right. I mean, Amanda clearly, she's just so genius at this. Alison is in over her head. Yeah. And then that's when Amanda pulls out the prints that she, her and Brooke put a rush job on from that other printer. Yeah. She goes, oh, by the way, Mr. McGovern, I actually have the prints. I got these done. Yeah. And Alison is like, she's like, he set me up. He set me up. And then she says, you've been trying to get back at me ever since Billy dumped you for me. And the board member's like, hey. (laughing) He's fucking furious. He's like, what in the world? He's like, this is no nighttime soap. (laughing) And then that's when Alison, I mean, Amanda says my favorite line that she says at D&D. Alison, you are humiliating all of us. Yes. That's such a classic line. Did she say in this episode today, are you drunk? Yeah, she does. Like, this is such a great Amanda episode 'cause it's like all of her plans are coming to fruition. Alison is absolutely humiliating herself and she gets to call it out in front of the board. It couldn't be going more perfectly. Yeah. And Amanda's like, look guys, I either leave D&D and take my accounts with me or I stay as president. And the board is like, okay, Amanda's the president now. Yeah, that was easy. They just make, they don't even like vote or anything. And Alison's like, and she's losing it. And then Amanda says, Alison, you're demoted. And then she says, but since you gave Brooke your old job, I guess there's no place here for you. Yeah, she's like, and Amanda, truly I do believe wants to keep Alison, just to continue the humility. Just to like torture her. Yes. And Brooke goes, no, wait, I mean, Billy, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. He's always got to defend. And then Alison leaves the room and Brooke runs after her and Brooke is like, Alison, I'm gonna go with you. I can't stay here and work for Amanda. And Alison's like, Brooke, it's okay, it's okay. Cut to Amanda and Brooke going, woo! And toasting with champagne in her office. They say the queen is dead, long live the queen. This is some scar from fucking the Lion King shit. It's so evil. Wait, I love Brooke though, where she's like, pat her, pat her, pat her, like, wait, Amanda, like, Alison, like, it's just the way she pitter, pat her, runs after them and her little pumps. Yeah, she's such a little fake bitch. Matt and Paul are out on their date and they're just like walking around at night. And Dr. Paul is like, hey, Matt, I wanna go back to your apartment and fuck you. And Matt's like, cool, let's do it. I love how Matt's relationships all have the same, like, pattern, just like this perfect date night where they're talking. Like the first date's always perfect. The first date's always perfect and the guy genuinely seems like a really good guy. Yeah, and Matt is smitten and he's like, finally. And then it's always something, always something comes up, it's so sad. Yeah, Jane is stewing in her office. She doesn't even have any lights on. She has like maybe a desk lamp on and she is fuming and Sydney walks in and she's like, okay, Jane, what's the big emergency? And Jane opens the box containing the pantyhose and she pulls out a huge brick of heroin and she goes, Sydney, it's heroin. (laughing) This is wild 'cause it's like, why would they put the shipment to Jane and not take it directly for themselves? Do you know what I mean? Like, well, they had to like traffic it through Jane. So it wasn't like traffic to like the pantyhose brothers. But did they think it was, she was not gonna open the box or they just didn't care? Maybe they sent it to, yeah, I don't know. That's a really good question. Or I think they just assume because the way they were using such coded language with Sydney because the one guy in the first meeting was like, you know what we're talking about. Like, he kind of-- Right. So maybe they thought they were in on what was happening. I think they thought they were in on it. So they sent it there, it's just so funny. Sydney, this is heroin. I love picturing Jane, like, tasting it. (laughing) And Sydney is also wearing the cutest baby blue vinyl coat in this scene. Yes. I loved it. And Sydney's like, oh, Jane, I'm gonna take care of this. I swear, don't worry. Okay. At Matt's, Paul gets up in the middle of the night while Matt is asleep. And as soon as Paul sat down on the couch, I don't know if you could hear me in the other room as I was finishing up this episode, but I went, oh. Oh my God. Yeah. 'Cause I remembered. Yes. I remembered what happens. Paul makes a phone call in the living room to his wife. And he tells her that he's working late at the hospital tonight. And she's like a wife from, like, the '60s. She's got, like, a kind of helmet head haircut kind of thing. And she's like, Paul. She's like a different era or something. Yeah. She's like, where are you? Okay. Also, why is she up so late by the phone? And, like, how late is he gonna stay? I mean, I guess that's the perfect career. It really is. Yeah. Like, 'cause Michael used it too. You're right, he did. Yeah, 'cause Paul's like, we got three car accidents. Yeah. Gotta do plastic surgery. And she's like, I'm a doctor's wife. I'm not asking any questions. I love my position in life. Yeah. We go to Casa Malibu Motel, where Kimberly is up to some weird shit. She's completely off the deep end now. She is whispering an eye for an eye. While she cuts up dozens of photographs, it's like the same photo or like the same-- It is the same three photos. It's the same three photos of Michael, but like dozens of them. But it's like Thomas Calabro's headshots. Yeah, it's literally that. It's like promotional Melrose plays. No, when I looked, I looked. 'Cause one of them, they have very distinct background colors. So you could just see that it was the same photo over and over and over again. Yeah. It was crazy. Like no snapshots. And Kimberly has cut the eyes out of every photo. Cutting the eyes out of the photo is a classic that someone's lost their mind. Yeah. Are they're about to kill? They're gonna name or kill them. They're ready for some mayhem. Well, I know what she does, but I'm excited to see how we get there. Yeah, so what is this episode 27? This is episode 27. So I think there's only like five episodes more. Oh, God, I love old network shows. But there's so many episodes. This is a season. This is an extremely long season, even compared to network, other network shows. 'Cause they typically go like 22. Two. This is like a long season. This, I mean, every Melrose plays goes to at least 30 episodes. Yeah, that's like, I wonder why, you know? I guess it was such a hit. And Fox was more of a new network. Right. And I wonder if they just needed to fill the space. This like, this and Beverly Hills 902 and no, like really put Fox on the map. Obviously the Simpsons and like married with children, but I'm terms of like, at the time, prestige, like prime time drama. Well, these were really like on the covers of Entertainment Magazine type shows, where they were like in the Zeitgeist more, I think, even. These, everyone on these shows on Melrose plays and 902 and 0, they were like stars. Well, and these both brought like the teen soap opera was sort of a newer concept that became a huge thing from 902 and 0. Right. And I would say the nighttime soap genre hadn't had a huge hit since like the late 80s. Right. So it was kind of bringing back that. The older soaps were like dying down and not as popular. Like, okay, did you know that knots landing ran from like the early 80s till 1993, or the late 70s until 1993? I loved knots landing. I wanna watch it. Let's watch it. I will tell, that show is so fucking good. I'm like the hugest Donna Mille-san. And I was madly in love with William Devane, who was the villain in that show. Do I need to watch Dallas to get it? You don't need to, but Dallas is really good. I know. I would watch, I would watch both of those, but we can, I think we can probably just start up because knots is just a spin off and there's no real crossover. Right. It's all a new location and new characters. It's just the one brother, J.R.'s brother is sort of the person. Yeah, they're in knots landing. So I've always been curious about that show and what's her name, the Joan Van Ark? Oh, there's- What's her name? On the show? No, what's her, the actress's name? Joan Van Ark. Joan Van Ark, yeah. There's like, they have a lot of classic soap actors who are in a ton of things. Like, those are people from a show where I'm always like, oh, it's William Devane. Oh, it's Donna Mille's. Like, I always get excited when I see them. Right. And I think that's where Brad Pitt got his first big role. No way. Yes. I wonder, the problem with these like really old shows is like, where do you even fucking stream these? I know. I did watch Dallas on Netflix, like, whatever, 10 years ago, probably. So it's one of those things though, that goes in and out. Like, sometimes they'll have it and then they disappear. Right. Dallas is so good though. Oh my God. I binge like five seasons of that so fast. Like, I went all the way to the Who Shot J.R. episodes, I think. Okay, knots landing is not available for streaming. Wow. That show is so good. Let's see if Dallas is still available for streaming. You can buy it on Amazon or Apple TV or you can stream it on free V. Oh. I kind of want to watch Dallas. It's really good. Mom liked that. It's at the template. But the first seasons of Dallas and Dynasty, it's some of the best soap opera I've ever seen where I was literally like, holy shit. 'Cause you're like, a lot of it, you're like, this would not be made today. It is edgy. Like, it goes there. Wow. That's crazy. I was reading a list last night about like the best nighttime soap operas of all time. And there were these nighttime soaps from the '80s that I had never even heard of. And from the '70s. Like what? Oh, there was something with barefoot, maybe bare butts. I don't know. It's like something like that. I mean, they had like names I recognized in them. It was like a top, it was like a top 50 greatest nighttime soaps of all time. Damn, I want to see that list. No, I used to watch soaps when I was a kid. Like, I remember me and my friend watched "Dark Shadows", which was from like the early '70s of the vampire one. Yeah. And we used to watch that and we're like, we're so, we're the ultimate goths. (laughing) We were watching "Dark Shadows". Right. I just love, but "Dark Shadows" is actually kind of boring 'cause it's so slow. But no, when I watched "Dallas" and "Dynasty", I couldn't believe how good it was. I was like, this holds up so much. You watch it like as an adult. As an adult and I had not, although I had seen episodes as a kid probably, I didn't watch it really 'cause I was still too young, but like "Dynasty" and "Dallas", and for some reason I stopped, not because it got bad, I just, whatever. Whatever, I fell off. And I would go back and start from the beginning. Like there are just so many good moments in "Dallas". Like they literally have the "Psycho" music box episode. Like they have like so many classic soap things where you're like, oh, that's where that came from. Right. It's so good. And I think they go on too long probably. Look, we have a lot more "Melrose" place. Like it's gonna be a long time before we conclude recapping "Melrose" place. But I think when we eventually get to like our next show to recap, like we should do a poll of like, from the listeners. I agree. 'Cause I definitely wanna do something like everyone, like the majority of people would want us to recap. So we can like come up with a few ideas. I think we can come up with a few oldies and some more modern ones and see what the vibe is. Like do people want an early 2000s one or do they, would they be down with an 80s one? I agree. And I also think it could be fun at some point to just do classic one-off episodes. Maybe. Oh. Like just like, I don't know if they were like these iconic episodes. Right. I don't know how it would work though. But yeah, I agree. Let's do a poll. We'll do it. But look, that's not for like two years, at least. But start thinking about it. I'm just saying in the future, you know, and I do plan to, I don't care if we have two people listening. I will recap every fucking episode of "Melrose" place. If it's just us. Yeah. Listening. We're going through. We're doing it. We're committed. All right. Bye. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
Michael is furious, Matt meets a guy, Jake is wearing only a towel, Sydney gets into hosiery, Jo is horny, Jane finds a brick, Alison is screaming, Billy takes a jacuzzi, and Amanda’s plan works.
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