Bitchslap

Melrose Place S3 E26 - Melrose Impossible

Kimberly isn’t a victim anymore, Matt is treated poorly again, Michael is humiliating himself, Jane needs more seasoning, Jo does something disgusting, Amanda’s doctor sucks, Sydney has a lawyer, Jake is closed off, Alison fails spectacularly, and Billy goes to Pasadena.

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Duration:: 1h 2m
Broadcast on:: 23 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

[MUSIC PLAYING] ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hi there. I'm Katrina Perry, host of the Global Story podcast from the BBC. Every weekday, we dive into one big news story to help you understand what's going on in the world. From the latest buzz in the race for the White House to the drama between Drake and Kendrick Lamar, and even the hottest summer blockbusters, we've got you covered. Just look for the global story, wherever you get your podcasts. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere, acast.com. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, welcome to Bitch's Lab. This is Rachel Fisher. This is Desi Jannacken. And this is Melrose Place, season three, episode 26. Melrose Impossible. Is that like mission impossible? I guess. I mean, I don't know. They just come up with titles. Let's just get into this episode. Michael is out of control. What a loser. This is so embarrassing for him. He's never done anything quite this desperate. Even when he tried to get Jane back, it wasn't a sad. He wasn't as sad because he had more confidence. Yeah, this is just-- she has zero interest. She has zero interest in this is loser behavior, and I'm embarrassed for him. Me too. Michael calls Amanda from the hospital. He's like, please, please, I love you. I can't lose you. And she's like, Michael, goodbye. And she hangs up on him. And then Matt enters the room. And he's like, good morning, Michael. And Michael literally pushes him away. He's like pissed. He flicks Matt away. And Matt's like, Jesus. And this is Matt's only time in the episode to be abused. Just be shoved. Just the only time he appears is to get flicked away by Michael. Then Michael says to Matt, what do you want? And he's like looking for Kimberly. And Michael says, I don't know where she is. She's probably living under a bridge or a freeway or something. I don't care. Cut to Kimberly at her boot camp for victims who don't want to be victims anymore. I was like, we have to make no more victims, merch. Do you have that? I literally wrote that. I was just like, it might be a little crazy, but I was like, these are amazing. I mean, the font is everything. It's so-- it has-- it's dare-coded. It's dare-coded font. And Kimberly is wearing her gray, no more victim sweatshirt. And then it has like the neck cut off, so it's giving flash dance. I liked the look. I thought it was cute. Yeah. And I liked her little bandana around her head. I thought she looked super cute. She actually was stunning in this boot camp, which is crazy, because it's grueling. This is the hottest that Kimberly has ever looked. No, I was like, she looks great. Her skin is flawless. And she's in like just her wife beat her, and she's like a little dirty. Yeah, no. But her skin is like glass skin. No, she looks beautiful. She's like a little-- she's like a femme butch. No, she looks great just getting a little roughed up. It takes away that kind of like pristine and sort of stiff. Because she can be a little stiff sometimes. She can. Also incredible is that Mackenzie Phillips goes to this boot camp. This is like such a great period for Mackenzie when she became the actor they hired if any rehab or boot camp scene happened. Like she would always be the counselor. Yeah. Like that was like a niche she kind of started filling in these roles. They always hired her for like, let's do a scene about women in trouble. Yeah. And you're the group leader. Or you're also a victim. Yeah, or you're the therapist. Because like, yeah, it's like every casting director was like, who's really fucked up? Who hasn't really fucked up backstories? Who's believable in this role? Of course, you would think of her. She was like the most famous alcoholic at the time. Like someone who went through rehab and was on People Magazine saying something. You know how they always had the quote? Yes. For the like, I hit rock bottom. And this is no shade to Mackenzie. No, she was really open. She was so open and so brave to like share her story. Yeah, it was shocking. Because at the time, people would go to rehab, obviously. A lot of famous people did. But she was giving us the gritty details. Yeah. And that was something that was more unusual. Do you remember years and years ago when I was in that drag competition? Yes, of course. And I found out that Mackenzie Phillips was going to be one of the judges on the panel. And I called you and I was like, oh my God, I can't do this. I can't perform in front of Mackenzie Phillips because I'm doing father figure by George Michael. Yeah. I'm like, is that insensitive? She ended up having to cancel, of course. And our mutual friend was the celebrity guest judge instead. No, I was excited to see her. I was like, I really wanted to meet her, to be honest. No, I mean, I think she's probably a very interesting person to hang out with. Like, she might be annoying, I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know. But I'm sure there's like at least something that would be a fun story. She probably knows how to laugh at herself. Let's just say that. I think so. I think so. Anyway, she was great. I got really excited when I saw her. At Melrose Place, Jess is dramatically packing up his shit because the last time we saw him, Jake, accused him of like, how do you have a credit card? You're not allowed to have those. Yeah. And he's being very performative about it because he knows he's not actually going to leave. No, because Jake will never allow it. He's doing that thing you do when you're a little kid and you're like packing up a bindle on a stick. And you're like, I'm running away for real. Yeah, for real. And Jake says to Jake, it's obvious you don't want me around. I'm a dead-end guy. He's trying to make him feel sorry for him. And everything he's saying is true. Yeah. It's like you are a dead-end guy and a loser. Yeah. And so Jake is like, hey, hey, take it easy. Jess is just being a mopey little bitch. And Jake is like, look, I'm sorry. We got up on the wrong foot. And Jess is like, maybe it's just me. I'm a bad guy. I mean, no wonder he gets along with Joe. They're literally the same Eor. Jake is like, look, look, man, do you want to look after the bar today? And Jake looks amazing in this scene. Yeah, he looks so hot. Oh my god. And he's like, I want you to stay. And Jess is like, OK. Yeah, covering the bar, that's just like the worst idea. At D&D, Brooke tells Amanda that she has 12 messages from Michael Nansini. Embarrassing. And Amanda-- Please stop. Yeah, please stop. And Amanda's like, ugh. But then she's like, Brooke, we really need to turn up the heat on Alison. I want to go back to my office yesterday. Yeah, it hasn't been hot enough for her. She really wants to get Alison out of there. And the only way she can do that is if they do something really fucked up. They need to really fucking destroy her. So Amanda's like, I need you to go look into anything on Alison in regards to D&D, like what mistake she's made. Yeah, find something. We need to find anything to destroy her. And Brooke is like, I don't know how I feel about this. And Amanda's like, well, I'm cool. And I have family with connections. So like, who would you rather have as your boss? This loser girl? I got molested with this alcoholic. Or me, who also had a weird relationship with her dad. But in a cooler way, Billy walks in, and Amanda pretends that she's yelling at Brooke so that Billy doesn't get suspicious because they're like talking in private. Right. And then Billy is like, hey, Amanda, don't take it out on Brooke. He falls for it. He's so dumb. Finally, we go back to Jane Mancini Designs. This is crazy. The last time we went to Jane Mancini Designs, Jane was having this exact same conversation on the phone with a vendor. Her business is so boring. Why are we continuing down this path? Just bankrupt it already. I'm sick of it. It would have been cool if we had gotten like a Jane Mancini design storyline that didn't involve Sidney, Michael, or Kimberly trying to take over the business and instead involved like internal affairs, like D&D does. Yeah. Where it's-- oh, sorry. Where it's like, oh, this guy, like, we get introduced to a new character and it's like some assistant trying to ruin Jane's life. It's just kind of like we've been down this road. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So Jane is like, I'll get you the check tomorrow, I promise. And then Sidney walks in and she's like, hi, Jane. And she's like, I want to take you out to lunch because I have a check for $100,000 from Michael and Kimberly. I'm still baffled that she got all of a sudden. And neither of them were like, give it back. Neither of them actually got what they needed from this transaction. Do you know what I mean? Like, they were unsuccessful. I'm just surprised that neither Michael or Kimberly put aside their differences for like a day and we're like, we need to get this money back. That's usually how they get back together. Right. That is. She's like, Jane, I want to invest in your business. And Jane's like, are you sure you have this money free and clear? And she's like, yes. Meet me at my lawyer's office and we'll drop the papers. How did she already have a lawyer? Yeah, when did this happen? At D&D, Alison is practicing her presentation for their client, Mrs. Molly's Cookies for Brooke. And like, they're in their office. And she's like, Brooke, the CEO is going to be here in two days for the presentation. Like, we have to make this perfect. And Brooke leaves Alison's office and goes straight to Amanda. And she's like, I got some information about the CEO of this cookie company. Her dad knows him. You have a dad knows him. And Amanda is thrilled about this news. Yeah. That night at the beach house, Michael is still calling Amanda. And Amanda is just like sitting by her answering machine, listening to these unhinged messages. We also hear her outgoing message. Hi, it's Amanda. Do what you do after the beat. I hate it. It's a twist on the class. It's a twist on, you know what to do. I don't know why I'm always just going to be obsessed with this. Because it's like, we don't need it. I've never heard you know what to do, except for in movies and TV. And Michael is truly losing his mind. Why does he keep doing this? What doesn't he get? This is insane. He is starting to get angry. He's doing that stalker thing. We're one second. They're saying how much they love you. And the next second, they're like, I want to chop your head off. Yes. He's screaming. And so Amanda calls the hospital. And she wants to speak to her oncologist, Dr. Stevens. And she's like, I want to make sure that Michael Mancini is not at my appointment tomorrow. And I want to file a complaint. Yeah. At Shooters, Joe stops in for a beer. And she talks to Jess, who's bartending. And he's like, by the way, Jake and I patch things up this morning. And then he's like, you really helped me out with Jake. And he's like, do you want to get dinner? Just us. And she's like, I don't know. And he's like, well, what if I told you, I think you're incredible? And she's like, OK. She's so easy. He like touches her. Yeah, it's really creepy. Yeah, her picker is so bad. She's an idiot. I'm dumbfounded by her behavior. What is she doing? Why are we getting back to idiot, Joe? Also, I'm sorry, that is your ex's boy brother. Even if he was cool. Yeah, come on. It's weird. It's very weird, especially with all of what's going on between them. Well, yeah, they were fucking in Washington. And just the brothers are fighting. Right. Like, why would you get involved in that, in between that? Can you imagine Jake's reaction? Oh, yes. He'd be so fucking heated. So I just think it's like this is going to break Jake's heart, and then he's going to be shut off even more. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, this is a devastating blow. It's going to be like, I trusted you, Joe. No, I'll never trust anyone again. I finally let my walls down and look what happened. I learned my lesson. I finally accepted a handout. Now look what happened. Just like I always expected it would. So, yeah, she agrees to go to dinner. And the next day at boot camp, the instructor tells the ladies, you've given me two weeks of your life. So you can go back to your old life with confidence and scream, I'm not a victim anymore. And then Kimberly is paired with Mackenzie Phillips to do their like self-defense training. And it immediately devolves into them fighting each other. And Kimberly, when they're like, I'm not a victim, she literally says it like 10 times after everyone stops. Right. So it's like calm down. So she's clearly like the weirdo and the group of people who are already a little odd. Right. It's crazy. This instructor has had her number since day one. And I wish he would have like excused her for the program and sent her to like a therapist. No, she's clearly unhinged. Like this is not empowering. Right. She has an ulterior motive. And the instructor's like, calm down, ladies, like please. He doesn't want these women to fight. He wants them to like have camaraderie with each other. Right. And she's like kicking Mackenzie's ass. Yeah. At Amanda's doctor's appointment, the doctor, Dr. Stevens gives her good news. She's on her way to a full recovery. And then she tells him about Michael Mancini. And she's like, I just wanted to stop harassing me. And he's like, this guy, this was insane. That was so too insane. I was like, really? No, she's like, he's harassing me. He's stalking me. And I want it to stop. And her doctor goes, well, I don't know what I can do about that. And he's like, I guess you could contact the chief of staff or go to the police. He's like, I have no-- He's like, I'm not getting involved. How do you hear this and that aren't immediately like what? Yeah. And get on the phone with whoever's in charge at the hospital. That was crazy. This doctor sucks. No, I was like, damn. He's like, I don't want to get involved. And Amanda responds, one of these days I'm going to sue the hell out of this hospital. Wilshire Memorial needs to go down. They've already fucked up so many times. How is this hospital still around? OK, let's go back. Dr. Levin wasn't a bad chief of staff, but Dr. Levin should have fired Michael. He couldn't keep Michael in line. He couldn't keep Michael in line. He let Michael own his ass out of doctor party. Yes, just so his wife didn't find out he cheated, basically. Right. And then also, then, obviously, there was the blood test. How many times has a storyline revolved around changing the Reddit records at Wilshire? There's at least three. Whoever is in charge of the records is not doing a good job. Also, the hospital desk nurse regularly gives out information she shouldn't. Oh my god, yes. There's just so many things. They hired Peter Burns, who was psychotic. Yeah. I mean, Kimberly was kept on staff. And she also faked her test results. She faked her psych eval. She was able to change those records somehow. And she stole a baby. And even though it was a villainous Peter Burns, they also got records about those medical trials by stealing them, too. Oh, yeah. So it's just like, there's no security. Everyone's just easily able to change information. Oh, didn't they change the mothers, the stillborn baby? Yeah, Kimberly did that. Yeah, Kimberly did that, too. So people are just-- it's very easy to change records at this hospital. No, it's-- I just feel like this place needs to be closed. This place absolutely should be closed and sued into oblivion. And right now, something else is about to happen that is inappropriate. There's sexual harassment by a doctor. Yeah, just go into a patient's room. Oh, right. Yeah, so Michael bursts into Amanda's room after her doctor leaves. They did nothing to prevent this at the hospital. And she's in her hospital gown. She's about to change. And she's like, get the hell out of here. And he's like, come on, Amanda, please. And she smacks him, but that kind of makes him horny. Yeah, you can't smack Michael. No, he's into it. He likes that. So he gets on his knees. And she's like, I don't ever want to hear-- see you or hear from you again. She's like, you're slime. You're slime. At Sydney's lawyer's office, Jane looks at the papers they've drawn off. And she goes, this says, Sydney becomes president of Mancini Designs. Sydney, you don't know anything about designing. And she owns Jane's ass, because Jane has clearly not done a good job either. Yeah. And Sydney's also wearing her Debbie Gibson bow or hat. I love her. She actually does have better style in many ways than Jane. Of course she does. Sydney, I think Sydney overall, like her looks are the most consistently good throughout the series. Right, usually it's just like one element. I'm like, just take that off. And it's perfect. And I know that her season four looks are very-- there's a lot of people who think they're stupid or ridiculous. But I personally have always loved them, because they're so camp. Yes. And like 60s? Yeah, I believe it too for her. I believe that she'd be like a new me. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, so Sydney's like, I know a lot about designing. And she's like, look, I'll just run the business end. And Jane's like, Sydney, what do you know about running a business? And she's like, well, obviously you don't. Yeah. This whole thing is ridiculous, because this is the point where Jane should be like, you know what? I'm shuttering. Yeah, I'm not. This is ridiculous. Jane should have just, in the first place before opening her own business, this is so dumb. It's like Jane, why didn't you work under another fashion house first? Well, she was also with that woman that she-- That she'd eaten. Yeah, like she could have stayed around there a bit longer. She wasn't established enough to open her own fucking shop. No, it's crazy. No one knows who Jane Mancini designs are. No. And looking at her designs, it's like she needs some more seasoning and experience, I think. She needs more seasoning. She needs to cook a little longer. I agree, though. I agree. So basically, the lawyer is bullying Jane, too. Who's the lawyer who has Sydney as a client? What is he thinking? It's like a shady-ass lawyer. I also love how Sydney has this $100,000 she's investing in all. But she also seems like she's spending money, too. So maybe she's not investing the full $100, maybe. I don't know what's going on. It's like she's rich now. Right. At D&D, Billy and Allison and Brooke are going over the "Mrs. Molly's Cookie" campaign. Now, this is-- I've mentioned a few times before-- that this is my favorite D&D storyline. Yeah, it's amazing. This episode is like-- like I think about it all the time. It's so funny. So they're going over this campaign. And Amanda tries to sit in on the meeting, and Allison's like, we don't need you here. And then Billy's like, come on, Allison. We need all the help we can get. It's the cookie campaign. This is major. It's like, wait, are the Glory's gowns was like the major? Now this is major. Also, this is like the first time we're hearing about Mrs. Molly's, right? It's not like this has been in the background before. Yeah, because also Amanda knows the CEO. Yeah. She's got like a relationship with him. So Allison reluctantly agrees to let Amanda sit in on this meeting. And Allison starts explaining her idea for the pitch. She says she wants to take a very family-friendly approach, like a conservative family-friendly approach to this ad, and Amanda interjects. And she says, the sun is running the company now, so we should really appeal to his youthful energy. And she pitches this idea. Amanda says, a young, vibrant female executive opens her desk drawer only to find her bag of Mrs. Molly's fat-free cookies is empty. The executive then sees a Mrs. Molly's truck down below, so she leaps out the window and jumps 15 stories below onto the truck. And the tagline is, there's no wrong time to dive into a Mrs. Molly's cookie. Both of their campaigns suck. Do you know what I mean? Like, even Amanda's weight. I was like, what about something like, nothing will stop you from getting your Mrs. Molly's. Because this seems like this woman's out of control, right? She wants her fucking snack wells or whatever. I mean, there's a way to make Amanda's commercial work, and it kind of is really, like it's like, there were a lot of '90s food commercials that were like that, where someone was doing something insane. Oh, totally, just to get like something, like a food product. Right. And they, at the end of the episode, they'd be all disheveled. And fucked up. But they'd be eating their briars ice cream or whatever. Like, that is a very '90s ad concept. I just think the tagline you came up with right now is better. Yeah, the tagline doesn't exactly hit for me. 'Cause I mean, Allison's is way stupider. Who's diving into a cookie? I just love the idea that someone's that desperate. Right. They're not gonna let that truck pull away. 'Cause I relate to that. Yes. I relate to like, you'll do anything. You do anything for a cookie. Yeah. Anyway, Amanda's ad campaign is better than Allison's. And Allison tells Amanda, not in a million years, we're going with the Tom Sawyer idea. She loves her Tom Sawyer idea. What's Tom Sawyer about this? That it's like Americana? I guess that it's just Americana. I don't even remember what her concept was. It was just very pepperage farm, Sammy. It was a pepperage farm. And Billy and Allison leave and Brooke stays behind and tries to convince Allison to use Amanda's idea. And Allison's like, I don't know. I just don't think it feels right. And Brooke is like, why don't you think about it? And we'll talk about it tonight at Shooters. That night, Joe and Jess play mini golf. And this is so boring. Basically, Jess is just like talking a bunch of sappy bullshit. And he's totally like pulling the wool over Joe's eyes. This is like classic fuck boy behavior. Like, my biggest issue is that I just love commitment too much. (laughing) Like, you're just like so full of it. I was like, we would buy this. Yeah, yeah. And then he throws his brother under the bus. He's like, you know, Jake was always putting a wall around his emotions, but I'm not like that. But he knows, I mean, he's smart here 'cause this is exactly what Joe's issues with Jake are. All right. So she goes, will you shut up? I'm trying to putt. And then, but she's into him. That was like playful. Yes, she's clearly, 'cause why is she going out again to go putt putt? (laughing) Right? It would have been, if she was serious and said that like being antagonizing, that would have been like so funny. Like such a funny retort to say to someone who was talking about how much, how emotionally open they are. You're just like, well, you shut up. Shut up. It's like what you're thinking. Yeah. (laughing) And she goes, wow, you're so different than Jake. And he's like, let me teach you how to putt. And they get, it's like that classic rom-com moment where they go up behind them. Right. And they're like pressing their dick into your butt. Yeah, and you're, and you can see the woman's face and she's like. (laughing) It's the oldest trick in the book, Joe. Joe is an idiot. Let's take a break here. We'll be right back. (upbeat music) Why don't more infant formula companies use organic grass-fed whole milk instead of skim? Why don't more infant formula companies use the latest breast milk science? Why don't more infant formula companies run their own clinical trials? Why don't more infant formula companies use more of the proteins found in breast milk? Why don't more infant formula companies have their own factories instead of outsourcing their manufacturing? We wondered the same thing. So we made bi-heart, a better formula for formula. Learn more at biheart.com. This season Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project to do tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last, minimum $10 in order, additional term supply. (upbeat music) Mat shooters, Billy, Allison and Brook are at a table and Jake pops by to say hi. And after he leaves, Allison says to Brook, you know, Jake's available. And Billy says, since when did you turn into a matchmaker? I mean, she's clueless right now. She has no idea what's happening. She has no idea. Allison's like, well, I gotta hit the hay. I'm going home. Also, I just thought of this. She's supposedly friends with Joe. Oh yeah. Why would she be trying to hook up her ex with someone? Allison doesn't know who she's friends. Well, you know what? Probably 'cause Joe chewed her out in the last episode. Yeah, it seemed a little pointed. It kind of did seem a little pointed. She's out of control. So she leaves and Brook and Billy stay behind and Brook is like, you know, I'm not interested in Jake. I'm interested in you. And she says, I want to go home with you right now. Billy's like, I don't know about you. I mean, he's right. We don't know yet, but yeah. And then he's like, what do you see in me anyway? I mean, she's like horny for him. She's so horny. He's like, I'm just a kid from the suburbs. I'm like, I'm not rich, but that's what she likes. And she's like, well, I'm very interested in you. And like, you might lose your chance with me. Yeah, I mean, I truly at this point, I'm like, what's he gonna do? Yeah, I know. Even though I know what happens. The next day at D&D, the CEO of Mrs. Molly's Cookies, Tyler Hirsch is in the meeting room with Amanda, Allison, Brook, and Billy. And Allison's wearing her red power suit and she begins her presentation. And she starts reciting Amanda's pitch. Yeah, a shocking reveal 'cause they haven't really discussed it. It's all been, I don't think about it. It's stuff. She said, I'll think about it, but she was not into Amanda's idea. No. So she opens her mouth and she starts doing Amanda's pitch. And Tyler's smiling as he hears Allison describe this executive at her desk, opening her desk drawer. She sees the Mrs. Molly's Cookies bag is empty. He's like, yeah, this sounds good. And then when she gets to the part where the executive jumps out of the 15-story window, Tyler's face falls. Yeah, he's visibly upset. And he looks upset and horrified. Yeah. Like he cannot believe what he's hearing. And then after Allison has done her pitch, she looks at Tyler and she's like, is there something wrong? And he says, how could you? My mother took her life by jumping through a 15-story window. And he is furious. Well, because think about how crazy it would be if that happened to you and then someone's pitching. Like the 15-story window is so specific. It wasn't like just something close. Or like, is that, would that be insensitive? Like it's all the specifics combined. Yes. And like you can think like, well, how would she know? But as an ad exactly, you would have like dossiers on everything about the company and the people involved to avoid anything like that. Right, right. Like if they got a DUI, you wouldn't be like, you'll be drunk with power. Yeah. Exactly. Mrs. Bali's cookie. I'm just like thinking like how I would be in Tyler's shoes. Like, well, it's hard 'cause I'm a weirdo. But part of me were like, what? You're crazy. Okay, so pretend for one second, Desi, that you didn't make jokes about being molested as a kid. What if someone was pitching you something and they're like, okay, I guess no one will pitch it out. It was like, what ad is this for? It's like a PSA. Okay, what? I just can't think, okay, what's something that you would be offended by? Like, that was like personal maybe. It would be wild. I don't know that I would be offended. I would be more like, what are you doing right now? Do you know what I mean? 'Cause it would seem intentional. It would see, I would be offended that it seemed like, is this a joke? I don't know that I would think it was a joke necessarily, but I might think they were trying to get me in some way. I might be irritated. Yeah, I would be probably more irritated than upset, 'cause I would be like, what are you trying to do right now? I think they were an asshole. Yeah, I would think they were an asshole too. But this is wild and it's so funny because it's so crazy. And the fact that Amanda and Brooke went that far and this guy was just like, you know, just collateral damage in this plan, just like it's wild to me for a cookie ad. Well, and also it's like, they're not even considering the risk they might lose this big client. They don't even care. Oh, yeah. So, Alison is like, oh no, oh no, Tyler. I didn't, I didn't, and he storms out of the room, but before he does, he says, you are a disgusting lady. (laughing) And Amanda is like, oh my God, Alison, I had no idea. And Alison says, you better pray, you had no idea. And then she goes back to her office and Billy tags along. And Alison calls Tyler's office and leaves a message and says, when he gets back to his office, like, please have him call me, I need to straighten some things out. Alison is like so furious and so upset and like spinning out of control. And she's like, Billy, I need you to take me to dinner 'cause I'm sad, relatable. But he's like not into it at all. Well, he's truly over her. He's like borderline repulsed by her. Yeah, I don't blame him. She's like someone who's like, I'm in charge and I'm gonna be a bitch now. Why did she get away with it? But I can't get away with it. Do you know what I mean? Right. She's mad that she can't get away with being tough. She's like an early commentary on how, like there were, you know, we hear stories. It's like, oh, this woman CEO purports to be a feminist. But then you find out that she treats her employees like shit. Right. And does like unethical shit. And then she does do something like Allison where it's like, well, how come the men CEO's can do this? It's like, how about no one does it? How about nobody does it? No, it's crazy. That night at Melrose Place, Sydney runs into Amanda in the courtyard. And Sydney's like, you know, Amanda, Jane Mancini Designs isn't happy with the way D&D is handling our account. And Amanda says, well, perhaps you should talk to Allison about this. And Sydney's like, please, we both know who run things over there. And I expect a meeting with you next week. And this wins Amanda over. Yeah, 'cause she's like, oh, even people who don't work at D&D. They know it's up. They know what's up. Meanwhile, Michael is in Amanda's apartment making her an Italian dinner. And he is singing. He's like, prima verum, up a verum. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. This is what he sings. The mozzarella and the pasta, the prima vera and the linguine, all the pastas. This is like someone trying to pretend they know Italians. This is like racist to Italians. It's great. This is so offensive. Amanda opens the door and she's like, what the hell are you doing in my apartment? And he goes, hello, dear, this is psychotic. This is chilling. Yeah. This is chilling 'cause not to get dark, but I was kind of in a relationship like this like before I got sober. Oh my God. I mean, more violent. But the hello, dear, sent a chill down my spine. Right, 'cause it's someone completely not gauging the situation. But it would be turning on a dime after doing something super scary and violent. And then an hour later, they're making you dinner and like, hello, dear. Yeah, what? You're like, I gotta get out of here. No, it's very creepy. She's furious though. And he's like, but I made you tortellini and pesto. That's so 90s. That sounds good. I know, I do wanna, I love a tortellini. You don't see tortellini on the menu much anymore. No, but you can always buy it. I do, and that plastic tub. I'll buy a box of a tub of butony, butony, yeah. And I'll make the whole thing and eat the whole thing. They're really good. He, she's like, get the fuck out of my apartment. And then she picks up the phone 'cause she's like, I'm gonna call the police and he's like, all right, all right, I'll leave. And then he goes, I'm just happy. No one that you're gonna have a good dinner tonight. (laughs) And he's like, you come around, baby. I can't believe how long he's doing this. Like I could get it for maybe one or two incidents where he's like, shit, she really hates me. I need a little more context, like he's on drugs. Something. But I need some explanation. Yeah, this is just not in character for him. In a way. Yeah. Maybe it's like sunk cost fallacy. Yes. Because he divorced Kimberly. He's gotta make this work. He has to make this work. At the boot camp, the girls are sitting around a campfire and their instructor addresses that Kimberly is not having, like she's been having some problems fitting in. And like, how can we integrate Kimberly more? And like, she's one of your sisters. Yeah. And Mackenzie Phillips is like, all right, Kimberly, I just wanna apologize for being rude to you. She's like, you see, I came from a very abusive relationship. And I wanna apologize for taking it out on you. And Kimberly says, thank you, Maureen, 'cause that's her real name. And she says, thank you. And let me tell you first from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't care less about your feelings. I hate feelings. And I'm not here for sisters. I'm here for power. And I wanna take mine back and I will stand on the corpses of my enemies. Real normal stuff. And the instructors like looking are like, what the fuck? Kimberly's the original, your feelings aren't facts. (laughing) I hate feelings. Billie and Allison return home from dinner. And she's like, oh, Billie, I'm so thankful. Thank you for taking me out for dinner. And he's like, okay. Okay, this scene is disgusting. I can't put out, this is like, Allison is like, I'm so stressed. I need a massage. Can you help me out? I was like, this is like some gross executive asking for a hand job to relieve the stress. It's so gross. She's literally sexually harassing an employee. Yeah. And her behavior towards him has been for like the past few episodes contingent on what kind of attention he gives her. Yeah, 'cause just like the other day he was, she was like, actually get it here by eight. Like, she like switched the time. Yeah, she's like, I only have the noon deadline for people who care about me. Yeah, no, she's, she is illegal right now. She wants another kung-pao kiss. And he's not interested. And he goes, look, Allison, I understand you're under a lot of stress. And she says, no offense, Billie, but you've never been in this position before. And that's like, that sets him off. That sets him off. And then she gets really horny. And she's like, just come in, relieve my tension. Ooh. And he's like, why do you try a hot bath? Or a cold shower? And then he's like, I gotta get out of here. I have other things to do. And Billie drives to Pasadena, to Brooks Mansion. Okay, so this is crazy. 'Cause it's like, did he get a little horny? Was that his plan all along? Right, was he planning on doing that? Or did he kind of get a little hard? Well, Allison was like, come fuck me. Or was he like, I'm gonna go fuck Brooke now. He's gonna do it back at you. To get back at you. Yeah, right. I think it was a little of this and a little of that. Yeah, 'cause that was, it wasn't like, he's like, okay, I gotta go. 'Cause he had this plan. He was gonna go fucker. 'Cause if he didn't care anything about it, he would've just been trying to hurry her. So in a way, I think this incident pushed him into Brooke's arms. Finally. Yeah, look, Allison is the one who pushed him away. Because she treated him like shit at the office. Not only that, I think more than that, he didn't like that she was treating everybody like shit at the office. He didn't like that side of her. 'Cause it's like, that isn't, it's like, what is this side of you? I've never seen this before. It's also kind of an authentic, like, well, think of how many times Allison rightfully complained about how abusive Amanda was towards her when she was her boss. Yeah, and then she becomes the same thing. She's doing the same thing. And it's not even like she's doing it getting revenge on Amanda, just Amanda. She's like treating everyone like shit. This is a cycle of abuse. It's the cycle of abuse. And she's a participant. Absolutely. So, Billy stands outside of Brooke's window and starts chucking rocks at it. Like an idiot. And she has like a spiral staircase after her row. Okay, this is insane. First, Brooke walks out under her Juliet balcony and she's like, "Hi, Billy." And she's in like a virginal night gown with like a robe on top. It's very 1940s, screen siren. It's like a cream silk-- It's like a pinois. It's a cream silk cut on the bias with the little slight, you know, tasteful shoulder pads. It's like vintage. Yes, it's very nice. And she's like, "I'll be right down." And then she descends a spiral staircase that connects from her balcony to the ground below. And it's like a metal one. Like one of those really, it's like barely enough for one person. I have never seen anything like this in my life. No. This is clearly a set piece. 'Cause they were like, "How do we get them up there?" Right. Because like, the logistics of it would be so, like take too long 'cause you'd have to like go through the front door, or climb a trellis. Right, right, right. And we don't want to see Billy climbing a trellis. It's not a slapstick moment. So she invites him up to her bedroom and they start going at it on her Laura Ashley bedspread. No, I was like, "This is my dream room as a kid." Because it was so, it was so florally and chancy. And like, yeah, the like did for poster bed. The didsy floral print like rosettes, Laura Ashley bedspread with the matching curtains. And it was very cloud bad. Like the comforter was all cushy. Yeah. I remember those girls, you were friends with, they like had that bad. They had like 800 pillows on their beds. And they always had the curtains that had the valance on top too. Yeah. The swags of fabric. I mean, I did have Laura Ashley stuff, but like my room was very eclectic even as a kid. It's like I had the Laura Ashley bedspread and the Laura Ashley curtains. But then I had all this like home, kind of homemade stuff and like vintage stuff. Oh yeah. I never had like a room that looked like matching. Matching. Completely. Yeah. Like everything was like, the colors all went, like looked cool together, but it wasn't like hyper coordinated. Yes. I agree. Like that was my eclectic, I also had eclectic design growing up, but I always wanted it to be matching. Yeah. Even though now I probably am more eclectic, obviously. Now as an adult, I'm like, I had such a cool bedroom 'cause it was like different, right? Yes. I wanted that then. I think 'cause if you have like, for me, like a chaotic childhood, it's so appealing to think of this perfect room. Poor room. Yeah. Well and also all the normal girls had that like perfectly coordinated bedroom. Yeah. And you thought that that would make you normal. Like a matching bedroom set. The bedroom set with the wicker. They always had the white wicker nightstands and like the wicker bed. I liked the white French provincial too. I thought that that would make me normal. Now I was like, I want that dresser, matches the bed and the nightstands. See right now I hate that. No, me too. Like I wouldn't want that for myself now necessarily. But yeah, it was so, that's so funny. So they fuck. They fuck. And the next day at D&D, Billy and Brook are like all looking at each other. Like we fucked. Yeah. And she, it's weird. I don't know who was like directing and was like, let's have her climb down the staircase at D&D. Yeah, 'cause they have that weird spiral staircase too. We've never seen anyone on this staircase. I do remember us seeing it at some point 'cause we were both like, what is that? Where does it go? Where does it go? And then yeah, she's the first person I've seen use it. 'Cause those staircases are like annoying to use. Like I'm always afraid I'm gonna fall off the side 'cause you get dizzy kind of walking around them. Also, it's always like clink, clink, clink. 'Cause they're sort of like shabby. Like they're always shabby. And it's just like always, it's like a precarious walk up. 'Cause the stairs are kind of narrow. It's a small column. Yes, it's like a small spiral. Yeah, I don't like it. So he's like, I love watching you walk down the staircase, Brook, and he's like reminds me of last night. I'm already like over it. I'm disgusted. I was kind of into it initially, but already like the minute Billy's not fighting it, it's not hot anymore. But this is what I referred to like a long time ago, like in the earlier days of this show that at least this relationship leads to the complete destruction. (laughing) No, I agree. You know what I mean? That's like my sweet spot. Yeah, it's so, it's like, it's comedic because it's so crazy. Yeah. No, I'm excited. So he tells Brook else and looking for you and Brook runs into Amanda and Amanda tells her, it's almost time for our palace coup. She's living. Yeah. (laughing) Brook meets with Alison in her office and Alison confronts her about Billy and we think at first, oh Alison must have found out somehow, but instead she's like, "You've been such a good friend, Brook." Like Billy's not my friend anymore. She's like, "I don't have any friends." Except for you, which is so sad. And I can really trust you. And Brook is like, "Why'd I?" Yeah. And she's like, "Mm-hmm." Yeah. You can trust me, Alison. And then she says, "I need you to do me a favor, Brook. "I need you to find out what Amanda's up to. "I need you to be my spy." And she's like, "Okay, I can do that." That night at boot camp, the girls are gonna do a sweat lodge. There's always a sweat lodge in these TV shows. They love a sweat lodge. So Kimberly starts hallucinating and she hallucinates the bod squad showing up in the sweat lodge. It's Jane, Jo, Sydney, and Amanda. And I'm referring to that famous Rolling Stone cover from 1994, the bod squad. Yeah, they're just like going off. They're like, "You're ugly." Although I think Jo was like on the inside front cover, like she didn't make that, 'cause it was just on the front cover. It was Jane, Sydney, and Amanda. Right. I think Jo, like an allysing. I mean, I know Jo was on the front cover, but they must have gotten the inside. That was always like, that sucks. Right when you're in the fold. When you're in the fold. Remember the Vanity Fair one? Yeah, I always felt bad for the actors or celebrities who were in the fold section. 'Cause you wanna get on the cover. Yeah, no one's looking at the fold. Especially if you're the third fold. Remember how sometimes they would go through? Oh God, that's like people have stopped looking at that point. So Kimberly's repeating her mantra in the sweat lodge, and Amanda's like, "You're a pathetic, "scrawny, stupid little girl from Ohio." And they're all dunking on her. And Amanda's like, "I stole your husband, "and I didn't even want him." That's a great burn. To add I didn't even want him, didn't even want him. And now all the girls are chanting that they want her to die. I also love that someone's like, "You're not sexy." Amanda said that. Did she say that? It was so mean. 'Cause the burns, Jane, Sydney, and Joe, they're listing legitimate grievances. They're like, "You did this, you're an asshole." And then Amanda's like, "You're not even sexy." I was laughing so hard when she said that, 'cause I was like, "It's like you said, "this is just pointlessly being mean." Yeah, it's just so funny. And Kimberly screams and runs outside. And immediately gets punched in the face by Mackenzie Phillips. She's been waiting to do that. But Kimberly likes it. Yeah. She's like horny about it. And she's like, "I found my mission." Oof. At Shooters, Joe arrives wearing a gunmetal crushed velvet dress that is shapeless. It's gotta be a Man Cini design. (laughing) This is a hundred percent of Man Cini design. She's like, "Here's a sample size." (laughing) Joe asks Jess if they can talk alone. So they go out back in the alley. And she's like, "Just, we can't do this." And he's like, "But I feel something for you." Do you feel that pull? And she's like, "I guess." She's like, "Not the person you wanna help confirm "your passion." Yeah, she's like, "It's electric." And she's like, "Yeah." (laughing) It's like, "Is it?" 'Cause she's not really selling it. She's not really selling it. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I can feel it. And then she's like, where the fuck am I? I just scrolled all the way back. He's like just one kiss. Yeah, just one kiss and she's like, "Okay." And so they just immediately start making out by the dumpster, which is bad enough because then they start taking off their clothes. She's like up against the scummy shooter's brick wall without the jacket on now. So just like a slip dress or whatever. Have you been on Melrose Avenue at night, like late at night outside of bar? They're literally right by the dumpster and they're gonna get, they're getting naked. It's disgusting. And I was like, "You dirty hoe, like Jesus, Joe." At least go into his little room that he sleeps in. The store room is right there. Lost the door, push the fucking filing cabinet up against it. This is, I was like, even I don't know how passionate I was. I was like, "No, come on, there's fish." I can smell the rotting fish and food, especially behind a bar in restaurants. It's all food that's been sitting there for days until the garbage picks up, it is like shooters, mozzarella sticks rotting away in there. Yeah. And like grows throw up in beer. That, no alley is clean. No alley is clean. And also, I get, like I'm totally all four. Like, oh, they couldn't help themselves. They just had sex right here, but not here. I mean. This is where I draw the line. This is just too gross, I'm sorry. This isn't like outside at someone's house. Or, yeah, like I can see outside areas obviously being fine, but the back of a restaurant bar, like shooters, that's like as bad as it can get. Just a gross like dive bar type place. This is like disgusting. There's like slop out there. It's like things have melded together in a juice in the dumpster at this point, 'cause it's just rotting. There is someone living on the other side of that dumpster. Like, that's their home. And you're like having gross sex. They didn't even make it look sterile. Like in a fake way, or make it look cool with like electric light or something that you could actually see how gross it was. It was the placement of the dumpster that ruined it. Right, 'cause if it was just the back of a building with cardboard boxes or something, that would be different. But the fact that they're going at it a foot away from a dumpster is disgusting. I just like, ugh. That smell? I just know what it smells like. I know exactly that smell. It's like foul. Also, what's to stop like a busboy like heaving a big bag of trash into that dumpster while you're fucking, and the garbage juice sprays back on you. Or are you gonna waft when the bag hits the other stuff? It kind of wafts up. (laughing) It's like a plume of stench. I just wish it was somewhere else. Like maybe even at Melrose Place would be kind of like exciting 'cause someone could see them. It should have been anywhere else than this. I'd even give them like the Melrose Place basement where the laundry room is or something. Well that's hot. Yeah, like something like that, no one would object. Like that's just dusty. I mean that's dirty. That's just different. It's dirty, but it's not garbage dirty. And it smells good 'cause the laundry rooms always smell good 'cause it's like the hot fabric smell with the laundry detergent. They could do it on top of one of the machines. Yeah. They're like a block away from Melrose Place. Or a fucking Jake's Place. (laughing) You really want to get nasty. Like that would be extra crazy. That would be extra crazy. I just don't understand. I don't understand that. No, I mean I do want to like support Jo here 'cause she is finally doing something interesting even though it's bad for her. Right. So it's like I was kind of, I was like good, good for her, I guess. I was, yeah, I have to like be like, all right. I guess I have to give her this one even though I disagree. Oh, they could have fucked at the putt putt place. See, that's interesting. Yeah, in the windmill. I mean there are children there possibly. Maybe if it's late at night though, it's more adults, right? What else is around? I mean like it would have been better if they had like left the alley and gone on to a fucking residential street. You could have been her over Jake's bike. (laughing) Something. Oh my God. No, but that was, I was like damn. This was just low. She, this is so wrong. You don't do this to Jake. You don't. He's been there for her. He's been there for her this whole time. Even when she's been annoying. Like she put her in the scrapbook for her baby one day. Yeah. I'm just saying like, I just don't, I don't get what the connection is that she has to do this. And it's not like his brother's such a great guy that even in the best case scenario, Jake could be like, I understand. He's like such a great guy. No, this is gonna devastate him. 'Cause he wants her back. They've been fucking, they've been fucking, but he literally just, didn't he just say to the brother? We're gonna, we'll get back together one day or something. I hope we'll get back together one day. So it's like evil. And I know the brother doesn't give a shit. Well, the brother is like extra bad. Joe is just an idiot and not thinking. And it's like, 'cause he's using her. I mean. He's obviously using her. And he wants, he wants there to be instability with Jake. And his allies. He wants to get Jake's life. I mean, in a way, right? He's like a shittier Amanda. Where he thinks he's doing a coup. Yes. But he's like so bad at it and so dumb. But Amanda's actually doing a coup too. No, she is doing a coup. Where was Amanda Woodward on January 6? She knows how to do a coup. She didn't get caught. She was dumb enough to take a picture. She's the one person on January 6 who has no photographic evidence. She wore an Alice in mask. (laughing) I love that. Okay, I'm excited. Things are getting hot and heavy all around. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Why don't more infant formula companies use organic, grass-fed, whole milk instead of skim? Why don't more infant formula companies use the latest breast milk science? Why don't more infant formula companies run their own clinical trials? Why don't more infant formula companies use more of the proteins found in breast milk? Why don't more infant formula companies have their own factories instead of outsourcing their manufacturing? We wondered the same thing. So we made ByHeart, a better formula for formula. Learn more at ByHeart.com. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. This is Sarah. And this is Beth. And we are pantsuit politics. A podcast where we take a different approach to the news. We talk about news, we talk about politics, but we also talk about parenting and travel and pop culture and how all of that affects how we understand the world. We're really different people. Sometimes you'll hear us agree and sometimes not. We think that's where the fun is. We laugh and learn together and with all of you twice a week, every week. 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