Bitchslap

Melrose Place S3 E24 - To Live and Die in Malibu

Alison terrorizes everyone at the shoot, Jo isn't in the mood for small talk, Michael is proud of himself, Billy is a bad boy, Sydney catches Jess snooping, Jake goes surfing, and Matt and Jane visit Amanda in the hospital.

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Duration:: 57m
Broadcast on:: 08 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project to do tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid. So, first, call your parents to say "I'm sorry" and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last, minimum $10 in order, additional terms apply. "Acast powers the world's best podcast." Here's a show that we recommend. In 2021, Afghanistan fell to the Taliban. The lives of Raha and Mahua, two 20-year-old women and best friends were forever changed. One decided to stay, "I feel like I'm not, you know, worthy." and the other to leave. "We got our tickets today to the Germany." These are their audio diaries. "I could only carry my body without muscle." Listen to Inside Kaboo, wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Hi, this is Bitch Slop, I'm Rachel Fisher. I'm Desi Janikin, and this is Melrose Place, Season 3, Episode 24, to live and die in Malibu. Wow, that's up top, Desi? I mean, it's all happening. Everything is just starting to, this just the end of the season is just non-stop, stuff happening. So it's really starting to kind of all, it's like the beginning of the end of the season, right? Everything's unraveling for several of our characters. Right, yeah, things are changing. Yeah, big things are going to happen. Michael is at Amanda's hospital bedside, and this is arguably the most serious scene we've ever seen on Melrose Place. It's a classic soap hospital scene. Well, like just like so dramatic. It's so dramatic, because as we remember, we last left off with Michael rushing Amanda to the hospital because he found her unconscious, and Kimberly walks in immediately as he leaves. Right. He's really concerned, and Matt is waiting outside the door, and Matt's like, you need to go home and get some sleep, Michael. And he's like, well, Kimberly's out of town, so at least I have the house to myself. Little Desi know, he doesn't know she's come back early. So Michael returns home, and Kimberly is there, and he's like, what are you doing? And she goes, what's all this stuff? And she's holding like two bras. This was so great, because I had completely forgotten about Wonder bras, because Kimberly says it. Oh, is this your Wonder bra? And I was like, oh my God, Wonder bras. Wonder bras were so hot, I had a Wonder bra. They just fell off. What happened to Wonder bra? Yeah, I feel like everyone just started making push-up bras, padded push-ups, I guess. Was Wonder bra like the first? I feel like it was the first that was truly marketed as that, like, that it would make your tits look big. But there were always like falsies. Yeah, I don't know why Wonder bra took off in particular. Because Wonder bra didn't come out, I think they came out in like 1994. It's like pretty recent. Yeah, no, and it was like everywhere. It was everywhere, like, okay, yeah, they gained worldwide prominence in the 90s. Okay, the brand was actually around way long before that. A Canadian Wonder bra circa 1975, there's a picture of it. Wonder bra was around for a while, but they didn't pop off until the 90s. They must have got some, they hired D&D who came up with a campaign that made them pop off. I think you're right, they really did. So, yeah, Michael is like shaking because Kimberly has arrived home early and he's trying to come up with a cover story for why Amanda's bras are laying around the house. And he goes, she's really sick, Kimberly. It's funny because it's like he actually is really bad at this. The fact that anyone ever believes him or he gets away with it is crazy because he's terrible. He's so bad. He's like, yeah, you know what bras are here because she's sick and I'm like taking care of her. You know, she almost died. And he's like, you know that little crush she's got on me. I figured if I gave her a reason to live. But Kimberly's not buying it, but she's playing sweet, which is so scary when Kimberly is playing sweet. It's like, no. So she's like, oh Michael, come here. She says, give mommy a kiss. Gross. And they start kissing and then she bites his lip but like hard. He's like, oh, he just then like. He's such an over actor. It's crazy. Why does it work? And then she says, love hurts, Michael. After the credits, Jess shows up at shooters out of the blue. And it's empty because they haven't opened yet, but Sydney's there. He's like, I'm looking for Jake. And he's not in yet. And then Jess is like, I'm his brother. Okay. Here's something I thought. They have different fathers, but their last names are both Hansen. Sorry. I mean, I guess did his dad, Jake's dad adopt him? It just seems crazy. I think their last names are Hansen because we don't know what happened to the dad. Didn't the dad like split? So I think the mom is using her maiden name for the kids. Oh, okay. That's right. I mean, we've never met Jake's dad, right? Was there something? I feel like was there a storyline where he died? I can't remember. It just made me think that. I was like, wait, why do they both have the... I like to think the writers didn't even think about it. And they're just like, whatever. Yeah, but because they're like, they've got to have the same drunk mom. Why do they have to make them half brothers? There's no reason. There's no reason they need to be half brothers. There's no reason. I guess to like put another layer of distance between them, but it's like so stupid. Or to put more shame on the mom, like she has two kids, two different men. Yeah. Yeah, they wanted, they thought like, oh, we're going to make the mom seem really tragic. No, it's so sinister when he shows up because it's like, what made you think that this was a good thing to do after the way things left off? And he keeps like saying in this episode, we made up. We like totally made up. We turned a corner. We worked through some things. You guys said two words to each other. You fought literally to the last second and then all of a sudden you're like, yeah, maybe we should be friends. No, he said all of a sudden. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's all he said. Up until that point, you were literally furious and then you just apologized out of nowhere. And Jake was like, what? Okay. Bye. Um, Sydney's being flirty with him because anything that's like tangentially connected to Jake. She's just always on to kind of manipulate a situation. It's like, how can I use this? Yeah. And Jess is like, I don't want Jake to know I'm here. I want to surprise him and she's like, well, that's great. I'll tell you where he is right now. He's at, he's at our apartment complex. We can go now. Yeah. At D&D, Joe is barking at Billy. Look, there's a lot of barking in this episode. I like that. I like when Joe was super involved with D&D. Like, not just as a photo for hire, but she's there on the campaign. Right. It just makes it funny to me. She's yelling at Billy because she just wants to talk to Alison for five goddamn minutes because she's having issues with the glorious gowns shoot. Like, they lost their location and they haven't hired the models yet. And she needs to like figure this out with Alison. And then Alison shows up and Joe is like, Alison, the location fell through. And Alison is pissed off. She thinks she's like, you did this on purpose, didn't you? She's so paranoid. She's accusing Joe of all people. Joe doesn't have the bandwidth to even scheme. She's like, can barely get through the day. What would be the motive of her doing this? Yeah, why would this benefit her in any way? Alison is going off. She's a bitch. She's like yelling at Joe. She's not even good at being a bitch because at least Amanda was like, said funny things. Because when Alison is a bitch, she looks like she's out of control. And it's like she's stressed. Whereas Amanda is just being cold and calculated and she's cool about it. And she has like more of a legitimate reason. I mean, even the reasons aren't legitimate. It seems like there's something about it that makes it seem like it's a legitimate reason. She just keeps all of her stress internal. Whereas Alison, you can see it. She's like, oh, she's really stressed, so she's going off on everybody. And that's just a bad look for a boss. Yeah. It's just so wild to me that she took this, like this is the choice she made. Also, there was no build up. It was like instant. Instant. And Joe is her friend. Yeah. And she's like, your butt's on the line. Like seriously? Like, fuck you. Yeah. Joe offers to help book the models so that she can lighten the load on Alison before they have to do this shoot. And Alison says, Joe, your butt's on the line. Don't forget that. It's crazy. And Joe leaves and Billy says, Alison, I think you should work on your people's skills. If Alison said that to me, I'd be like, fuck you. I'm out. Like, I'm quitting right now. Yeah. I would not put up with that. I'd be like, fuck Gloria's gowns. Gloria's fucking gowns. She Billy's like, you really people's skills. You're not good, Alison. And then Brooke stops by and she says, you can use my father's house in Pasadena. It's not Buckingham Palace, but it's very East Coast and cute. And Alison is immediately like, Brooke, like, thanks. Yeah. Yeah. She's like giving her a look like, we don't even your dad's little craftsman house in Pasadena. Yeah. Get real. And then she, but she agrees. She's like, Billy, just give it a look, get out of here. Which kind of irritated me because it's like, if you know anything, you know, you should know that Pasadena has massive mansions. Like, that was a huge, rich people live in Pasadena, like, well, not only do rich people live in Pasadena, but Pasadena, back in the day, like in the turn of the century Los Angeles, that's where all the rich people lived was Pasadena. Yeah. It was pre Beverly Hills. They have massive mansions there that are old and beautiful. It's like old money mansions. Yes. So, at Melrose, Jess shows up at Jake's with Sydney. And Jake invites Jess in, but shuts the door on Sydney. Once again. Like, isn't she getting sick of this? I'd be humiliated. And Jess has, he's like, I don't have anything to do now that our mom's dead. Yeah. That was his life. He's bored. He has no one to, like, be codependent with anymore. He said something like, dealing with her bed hopping gave me something to do. So sad. He needs to go to adult children of alcoholics. Seriously, this guy's a mess. He also was scared that he's going to turn out like her. And he wants Jake to help him turn his life around. And he's also, he's like, I'm just so, look, you got shooters. You own something. And then Jake immediately goes on the defensive. He's like, are you laying a guilt trip on me? You trying to guilt trip me? And Jess is like, come on, man. I thought we worked all that out. That's all in the past. This is so men thinking, like, we've already worked it all out because we're like, got a beer together or whatever, it's like, come on, they didn't even do that. It's like, they didn't even do that. No, it was nothing. You have not dealt with anything. And so then Jake's like, all right, you want to work at shooters? And Jess is like, yeah, well, Billy and Brooke arrive at Brooke's dad's house. And then she tells them as they're pulling in, I'm a very rich woman. This is where we see Brooke's character take a dramatic turn. Yeah. It comes into full focus in this scene. It's instant. Yeah. It is okay. It is instant in this scene. And Billy's like, this place is big. I mean, it is like you're driving down that long driveway with like the tree-lined driveway to this huge mansion at the end. It looks like something that would be like in England. It looks like, yeah, it looks like an English castle on the countryside. And there's like sprawling gardens with water features, there's like several water features. And Brooke is bragging about how there's electrical outlets every 20 feet because daddy likes to entertain. Yeah. And she's, she, Billy's like in awe. And then they sit down on a bench right outside the front door. And Brooke just turns to Billy and she's like, this is where I lost my virginity. Out of nowhere. She's such a good character. She's so good. She's pure chaos. And I love it. She's a maniac. Yeah. She's like, this is where I lost my virginity. Billy's like, whoa. And then she says, she's like starts talking, describing in detail how she was like fucking her boyfriend on this bench. And then she's like, and the best part was my father was standing in the window of his library, smoking his pipe, and he had no idea. There's no character better than a rich girl who's trying to make her dad math. And then we meet who I thought was her gay assistant, but it's actually her fiance, Lowell. Yeah. And he looks exactly like a Lowell. He looks like a rich Lowell from like old fuck you money. His parents probably or his great, great grandparents probably earned their wealth from doing something horrible. Oh my God. Like, like this guy has the face of something whose ancestors were involved in like the most heinous shit possible. They're like directly responsible for the environmental issues. Yeah. Or participated in some human rights atrocity and made billions. Right. Because the extinction of an animal or something with their strip mining, that's the kind of face that this guy has. And he's like, oh, hi, I'm Lowell. And she's like, Billy, this is my fiance and Billy's mind is just like fucked right now. He's like rock hard because he's into that. I have to say like the thing with Brooke, like especially at the start, I was like, I was like, I finally kind of see Billy's appeal because he got a little hotter to me when he's doing things that are wrong. Yeah. And like these next few episodes, especially, I'm just like, oh, he's into this even though it's wrong. Yeah. It's crazy. Although he does still say something later that's like, this is wrong. He does it, but he does it anyway. Yeah. He's doing it because he's never been turned on like this, I think. Because she's really aggressive. She's so aggressive. That night at the hospital, Kimberly is looking for Michael. And so is the insurance guy from the settlement. Yeah. This didn't go as he plans. No, it did not. And Kimberly hears this insurance guy say, I'm looking for Michael Mancini. And Kimberly, Kimberly says, I'm Mrs. Mancini. And then the insurance guy is like, well, it's good to see you out of bed. You look a lot different than the last time I saw you. And she's like, excuse me? And then she look, he's like, well, I got that settlement check, your husband. Like he got the check and I have it right here. It's for $100,000. And Kimberly's eyes light up. And she's like, oh, well, I can take that right here and just let him know. And so she signs for it. Michael is with Amanda bedside and she wakes up and she's like, oh my God, I feel so much better. Like she's better. Yeah, but they never really explained to us like why she faints. Well, also it's like she got better because of this experimental treatment, but they also say that the chemo fixed her. It's kind of just confusing. I know it doesn't matter. Well, this is how we'd write medical stuff. We'd be like, shit. She faints. She didn't eat. No, we would be like, shit. We said we wrote in that one episode that she got better from the chemo, but like we had that whole storyline in New York, right, the experimental key, it's maybe it's the experimental chemo. Yeah. Yeah. What was the treatment? They never even it really explained that like what was it? Yeah, what was it? So Michael tells Amanda, you know, these last 24 hours just made me realize how much I love you. And she's like, I need sleep. Michael leaves the room and he runs into Kimberly. And she's like, I just got a check for $100,000. And he's like handed over Kimberly, like that's his take. Yeah. He doesn't even try to play a cool, like, oh, that's great, honey. I scammed you fair and square. And she says, oh, it's all yours. All you have to do is tell that terminally ill girlfriend of yours that it's over. And then Michael goes, she's not my girlfriend. She's my patient, Kimberly. Yeah. I like that after all of this, this is still what she wants to do, like get him, like it's like crazy. She still wants him. And Michael's like, come on, babe, I really want our marriage to work out. So how about that check? Subtle. And then she's like, I'm thinking I'm going to deposit it in our joint account. That way it can be, it can reignite our bond. Yeah. And Michael's like, sounds great, sweetheart. And then they hug and he gives like a road, a pen mark, bad seed. Look at often the distance, like he's furious. He's literally like almost breaking the fourth wall. Like he's doing this like grimace. This is so funny. The next day at D&D, Billy is like cold and awkward to Brooke. And she's like, hi, Billy. I was, she's like, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to lunch with me at the Ivy. And he's like, I have a sandwich. And she's like, come on, Billy, don't you want to escape with me? And then he says, don't you have a fiance? He's like, I got my squish sandwich. He's probably got like a peanut butter and jelly. Yeah, like a sad sandwich. And then Alison shows up. And she's like, Billy, don't you think Brooke is great? And then she's like, by the way, Amanda's up for visitors now. And then she leans over to Billy and she's like, I can't stop thinking about the other night, the two of us in my office. And then he's like, well, I brought it up to you, but you said you had no time to talk about it. He's Billy is like, he's got women all over him. Has this ever happened? Where two women are so horny for him? Well, yeah. When Amanda and Alison were fighting over him in season one, but they weren't this horny, I don't think. Because Alison's never been horny. You're right. But if that wasn't so much about the horniness as it was about competing with each other. Right. This is like pure sex drive happening. Yeah. Yeah. And Alison's like, I'm not confused about my feelings for you. And he's like, neither am I. What are you doing, Billy? At Shooters, Sydney is showing Jess the ropes. And then she's like, so what was Jake like growing up? And did he have all our girlfriends? And he's like, unlike me, Jake never lets anyone get close. What's his, he's such a schemer. What's his angle? Yeah. You just know something's happening. This guy's such a loser. Oh, I hate him. This is like the prototypical guy who steals your coke and helps you look for it. Like he's that guy. Right. He's a dumb bag. He's like entitled to he's he's not only is he the guy that steals your coke and helps you look for it. But he's also the guy that does all your coke and like doesn't throw down for it. Yeah. Like he does. He never throws down for it. He just always does all of it. No. They also want to look like a good person. Yeah. But he barely tries. He like it makes some small gestures, but he this guy, especially he like says a lot of things. Yeah. But it's like not true. He's like repulsive to me. I hate him. He asks because Sydney's like, well, we used to go out and he's like, why'd you break up? And Sydney goes, he dumped me. I was cheating on him, but I had a really good reason. Wait, does she count Chris as cheating on him? Yeah. I had a really good reason. That's so crazy because I don't. Did she fuck Chris? I can't remember now. She did fuck him. Yeah. In Vegas. Yeah. Because she was being held hostage by him. She was being held. But she, I mean, she was going along with that like, well, I think also she fucked him because she wanted, wanted to kept getting gifts from him. And she probably liked that it was like getting back a chain too. Yeah. Like he was spending Jane's money on her. I don't know why that seems like five years ago for some reason. I know. And Jess is like the handsome boys. We carry a grudge. And she's like, well, also Jake and I are supposed to be together. FYI. Yeah. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know that yet. But we're going to be together. Do you want to take a break here? Sure. All right. We'll be right back. This season Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders and pencils. And they've got your back. When your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project to do tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last, minimum $10 in order, additional terms apply. Here's a question for the marketers listening. Want to find that perfect customer beyond the world of scrolling, swiping and searching? Here's a secret to make sparks fly. Smooth talking with podcast ads with a cast. You can reach millions of listeners who'll be hanging on your every word on the train to work in a gym or waiting in line for coffee. Start up the conversation with podcast listeners anywhere and everywhere and they're looking for love. 60% of listeners have a higher trust in brands they've met on podcast compared to social. Get closer to your audience. Make podcast ads with a cast. Head to go.acast.com/closer to get started. The whole gang shows up at Amanda's hospital room. It's Matt, Jane, Billy, Brooke and Allison and I feel like right as they're about to go in Allison's like, wait, this is weird if I go in there. I love to that she's holding a single rose. Yeah. Like she just bought it from the guy on the street on the freeway way off. Like everyone else has bought like huge bouquets of flowers and like Jane got an orchid. And then Allison like realizes how inappropriate it is that she's like going to the hospital room of the woman who's like, she stole her job. Yeah. She all that she's like, wait, maybe I shouldn't be here. All right. Bye. And she leaves. This is great as Jane, Matt and Billy enter the room, Amanda said, so who else came to visit me and what did they bring and Jake, Jake brought flowers and then Amanda says, well, what about Joe? And Jane says, we bought you this orchid and Amanda's like kind of disgusted that like Joe couldn't pay for like a whole her own thing. Right. She's like, will you guys win it on something? She's like, how expensive was it? Brooke stops in and Billy's like, this is Allison's new assistant. And she's like, I have a rose from Allison. So embarrassing. And Amanda just immediately throws it on the ground. And she says, why don't you tell Allison that I'm not dead yet? So she can take her dancing shoes off. Yeah. At shooters, Sydney and Jess are closing and she leaves and Jess goes to the office. And he starts rifling through the files like we find out that that's where he's sleeping in like a storage room. Yeah. He's sleeping in Jake's office or the storage room, but he starts rifling through all these files and Sydney sees him and she's like, what do you think you're doing? And he's like, it's none of your business. And she's like, well, you're going through Jake's files. And he's like, well, I'm just making sure Jake's making a good profit. So creepy. And then Sydney's like, you're up to something. And he's like, why don't you mind your business? This is I'm his brother. Yeah. I'm allowed to go through his personal item. I need to keep I need to make sure he's safe. I'm a businessman too. And she's like, oh, I am going to tell Jake about this. And then he's like, well, that would be a big mistake. So now we know he's evil. Yeah. Because he like threatens her. Yeah, he threatens Sydney. I love that Sydney bust him. I do too. Because what was she? Was she intentionally waiting? It almost seemed that way. Yeah. Because she told him, all right, I'm going to leave like good night, because he like sleeps there. Right. It wasn't like we see her going, oh, should I forgot something? No, I think she was sticking behind. Yeah. I think she was sticking behind too. So I like that about her. The next day, Amanda is visited by Kimberly. And Kimberly says, hi, Amanda, I wanted to be the first to tell you that Michael and I are back together. And Amanda's like, Michael is my doctor. Nothing more. And then Michael enters and Kimberly leaves and he's like, Amanda, I can explain this. He's like, my relationship with her is over. Well, it will be over soon. And then Amanda's like, whatever, like she doesn't even fucking care anymore. It's funny if you see Michael pull this shit with someone like Amanda, because she doesn't fall for it at all. Yeah. And it's just he, he's so used to getting away with it, I think, because he's dealing with bitches like Sydney. Yeah. And with Kimberly, who is like very, obviously a very smart woman, but when it comes to Michael, she's a fucking idiot. Yeah. At the shoot, Alison is wearing a mint green skirt suit. And she is barking orders at everybody, including Joe's photo assistant. This poor guy, he's like this 19 year old kid and she's like, God damn it. She's a total bitch. She's like barking orders on him. And then we get a mystery answered this week. What does glorious gowns do? They make wedding gowns. Yeah. We finally get to see some glorious gowns and they are big puffy sleeves. They're not even on trend for 1995. No. They're like three years behind. No, those were so hideous. Where's the minimalism, girl? Yes. Yeah. And this is like, I'm beginning to think that glorious gowns is not the big high fashion company that has been, we've been led to believe. No, it is absolutely not. They are not on the cutting edge. This was crazy. I was shocked. They weren't even like high end Princess Diana type dresses. They were cheap. They were cheap and they weren't even, they were like four years, four years ago. Yeah. So Brooke introduces Billy to Brooke's dad. He has entered the chat. Hailey Armstrong is here. Yeah. And he's impressed by Billy. He thinks it's so cool that Billy is a VP and he's in his 20s. He's like, wow, that's very impressive, especially considering we all know how he got there. Well, Alison busts him, because Alison shows up and she's like, well, it helps when your ex fiance is the boss, which is crazy because she wasn't the boss when Billy made his weird riser teeth. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was literally luck and being in the right place at the wrong time or the right time. He was already high up by the time she's like been boss for a week. This only happened because of all the shenanigans that happened with Bruce because Amanda used to fuck Billy and she trusted Billy and she trusted him. Yeah. And this was like a fluke. Yeah. No, she's crazy for saying that even if it was true, which I don't think it is. No, she's just drunk with power now. Now she's out of it. And so Hailey Armstrong is like, oh, Alison, my daughter's boss. And Brooke is like, daddy, I'm just an intern. She's like, once again, drunk with power immediately is like, now you have a permanent position. Yeah. She promotes her on the spot in front of her dad. She's like, I'm with the big boys now. Yeah. Nothing better exemplifies it than this next scene where Alison marches over to Joe. And she's like, Joe, look at these shots. It's all wrong. She's furious with Joe's work. And she's like, this is supposed to be hip and contemporary. Our bride is a 90s Cinderella. She makes deals on her cellular phone. And Joe was like, Alison, Alison, you shouldn't told me this two weeks ago. Also, we're, we see the gowns. This is not a contemporary woman at all. She's also fucking stupid. What did you think? What is changing the location in this backyard going to do? You picked the locate, you okayed this fuddy, duddy, old money Pasadena house to be the set. You know, glorious gowns makes fugly dresses. Right. Not at some like crazy sleek skyscraper, like rooftop, something or other, like, or doing something like weird and creative, like, oh, we're going to have these brides in 7/11. And like, a fucking cool photographer is going to take the picture. Right. Or eating a burger at in and out or whatever the equivalent of it. Which would be cliche, but it would at least be more like, oh, that's temporary. It would be like, that's more different. No, there's nothing about this setting that says contemporary. It's the opposite. It is old school. If she wanted, like, the only way she could salvage this shoot and make it mildly contemporary is if she had all the brides get butt naked and just like, kind of toss the gowns over their shoulders or something. We do something weird. Right. You have to subvert this traditional location somehow. Or if they were all, like, straddling the banister or something, like, I don't know, like, what could they do? I mean, you'd have to do something like that because the location is what it is. You can't change. It's not going to look contemporary. Right. You just get all the brides lined up in a row and they're all doing poppers. They're like jumping in the pool. They're jumping in the pool, but they're also, like, making out. Yes. And the groom's like watching. The other groom. You have the groom in the background hiding in a bush with a pair of binoculars. And he's clearly jerking it. Or you have the groom on the virginity bench and the brides, like, straddling him in the dress with her skirt pulled up. Right. And then you have, like, the dad. You get Hailey to be in the shot and he's, like, spying on them. He's in the window. The father of the bride is spying on them in the window. I mean, Allison is -- she's, like, so out of control here. Like, what is she talking about? She's, like, incompetent. She's, like, Joe, they're supposed to be by the pool. What is that? Why is that contemporary? She's, like, we don't want them by the climbing ivy. We want them by the pool. Ivy is old. Pool? It's cool. It makes no difference. It makes no funny difference. No. She's screaming at Joe. And Joe's, like, uh, Allison, you're way over your head trying to fill Amanda's shoes. Dude. I was, like, Joe. She finally had some perked up and showed some life because this was a sick burn. Yeah. Like, that really cut to the core of what Allison is dealing with right now. Yeah. She called her out. She was, like, you think you're Amanda, but you are not Amanda. Can you imagine? And you're trying to be Amanda, and we can all see it, and you're failing. That's, like, a friendship ending life. Like, that's when you're, like, I don't care if we're friends anymore. It's devastating. Yeah. And, like, Allison says something else really rude to Joe after that. And Joe takes off, basically. I don't know. Jake and Jess, they're surfing. It's always weird when Jake does something like surf, because I was like, when did he learn how to surf? I know. I don't picture him surfing. It's even weirder that Jess was surfing because do people surf in Washington? No. And I don't even think they were on the coast. That did not look like the coast. I don't think that coast is -- that's, like, a rocky coast. Those beaches are, like, rocky, right? You have to be, like, a daredevil to surf in Washington. They're cold, too, I think. I think it's really cold. Well, yeah. It's, like, by Alaska. Yeah. Well, I mean, not that. Shh! But it's on the way. No, it's getting cold. It's on the way. It's getting cold. It's next to Canada. No, the fact that they're both surfing is crazy. Yeah. Jake looks weird in a wet city. I don't buy it. I mean, he looked hot, but he looked weird. Yeah. It wasn't natural. That would be, like, if we saw Jake on the basketball court or, like, even tossing a football, him doing anything that's athletic to me is weird. Because he -- I just don't picture him that. It's not like he -- yeah, obviously, he has a great body. To me, he, like, lifts weights in the garage. We talked about this last week. He gets his exercise from manual labor and fucking. Yeah. Yeah. We're here to see him doing, sort of, athletic things. Yeah. Um, I'm surprised Jess didn't try to drown Jake in the surf. Yeah, they should have done something, though, like, here's what I started doing in California. And he's teaching Jess or something. But they both looked like they were, like, great at it. Yeah, they both emerged from the water. They have their little ADR scene. Like, they've been doing this their whole lives. Yeah. Um, Jess is like, "I always wanted to move out here, but I couldn't because, you know, I had to go to juvie." Like, we got it. We got it. He starts bringing that shit up again. And Jess wants to know what's up with him in Sydney because he's trying to, like, gauge if she's going to, like, snitch, basically. Right. And Jake's like, "We're friends." And then he's like, "Well, you know, she's holding a big grudge against you. I hate to see her take advantage of you." And Jake's like, "She's fine. Like, she's not trying to take advantage of me." He's like, "Well, I'll keep an eye on her." And then Jake's like, "You want to move into my apartment?" And he's like, "Yeah." That night, Allison and Joe arrive home. And Allison, as soon as they enter the courtyard where the mail is, she's like, "There should really be a law against junk mail." [laughter] And Joe says, "Good night, Allison." [laughter] It's like, she's like, "I'm sensing a little hostility." It's just incredible that Allison thinks she can, like, just become her old self as soon as they enter, like, the courtyard. Right. We're off hours now. We're off hours, so I'm not a cunt anymore. And she's just like, "Wow, there should really be a law against junk mail." It's so funny. Like, doing sign for a little small talk. If you're doing that with a friend, you know you're in trouble, like, "Yeah." And Joe, good night, Allison, she just leaves. And then Allison's like, "Wait, Joe, look, I'm sorry if I wounded your ego, but I'm president of D&D." And Joe is like, "You know, Allison, you've really become an asshole." [laughter] I don't know why Joe. Of course, Joe would call someone an asshole. Well, she said ass. Okay. She said ass, but I don't think people... People won't call other people ass as much as network television would have us believe. Is it because they're adding the whole makes it too dirty? You can't have whole on network TV. Because they're an ass, it's like a donkey. When are we going to get over this? When are we going to get over not being able to swear on adult TV, on network? I think asshole is such a funny word. I love it. Love it, you're an asshole. It's also why the only place you ever hear someone say, "This is bull." Oh God. Yeah. It's the worst one because nobody says that. They say, "Bullshit." Yeah. That's bull. Everyone on network TV. This is bull. No, I agree. That's why I laughed, I think, when you said asshole because I was like, "She would say asshole." Yeah, she would. And Alison tries to play this sexism car. She goes, "You know, Joe, I don't think you would be saying this if I were a man." She's like an OG girl boss. She's an OG evil girl boss. I wear a man. It's like, "Look, Alison, you can say that about some things, but not about you being a dick." Yeah. No, she needs to get what's happening. She needs to be self-aware. At the hospital, Kimberly gets served divorce papers. They love these scenes and TV shows. Kimberly Shaw? Yes. You've been served. And this woman had a few lines. She did. So this was a nice little role for her. Yeah. It was. And she looks at it in horror and she finds Michael and she's like, "Michael, what is this?" And he goes, "Mm, looks like I'm ending our marriage." And she's like, "Why?" And he's like, "Well, you know, babe, you were fulfilling your end of the bargain. I wanted to have a nice family and you're barren." This was evil. You didn't even like this. No. And she breaks down and she's like, "Michael, please." And he goes, "I want out. I'm in love with somebody else." And he kind of looks around and smiles like he's proud of himself. He's like, "I just crushed this woman." And she's like, "Michael, you know Amanda's as good as dad." And he goes, "Actually, she's doing much better now. And thanks to our insurance money, we can live happily ever after. Why does he think he's just going to get this money? I don't get that." And she's crying and he says, "Kimberly, this is a hospital. Get a grip." The next day at D&D, Brooke has received a gigantic bouquet of flowers from Amanda. There's a card attached. And Alison approaches and she's like, "Wow, who are those flowers from?" And Brooke hides the note and she says, "Oh, just my fiancee, Lowell." Yeah, now we're excited because Amanda is back. She's back. She's conniving. And Brooke looks at the car that Amanda sent and it says, "Congratulations on the new job. Please come visit me in the hospital." Love it. Brooke smirks. At the hospital, Michael tells Amanda that she's looking good. The chemo worked. And she's like, "Great, I need to go back to work." And he goes, "Now, how would it kiss for your doctor?" And he leans over and she says, "Well, don't take all the credit. I had a team of doctors." And he's like, "Yeah, they'll all just take the kisses for them." And then Brooke shows up and Michael leaves. And Amanda tells Brooke that she's going home soon and that she's going to go back to work, but she needs a favor. She's like, "I built D&D from the ground up and I need to get my job back from Allison. So I need you to be my spy at D&D." Yeah, we're excited. That night at the beach house, Kimberly writes a suicide note and she is drinking out of a bottle. And she's like, goes out onto the deck with the bottle of pills. And she takes them as she's like-- It's like a handful of orange pills. Right. And she is chugging alcohol. Cut to Chiante-Cucina e-Restaurante, which doesn't exist anymore. I looked it up. It's on Melrose, or it was-- Ooh, so it was real. It was a real restaurant that was there since 1938. Wow. They replaced it with the Village Idiot, which is really depressing. Oh, my God. I think that's what I-- That's like what I read. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Didn't even have good food there. No. It's like a bar. This place looked fancy. I think it was the Village Idiot. I could be wrong. It looked like that's where it is now. Like that's the location. Right. I'm not positive. Anyway, they're having dinner, Brooke, her fiance, Lowell, and Billie and Alison. And Brooke starts feeling Billie up at the table. Like she puts his hand on his dick. No, he's like squirming. He's squirming at the table. And she's sitting right next to her fiance, who at this time is going off about like their wedding, like what they're going to do for their wedding. And she's like smiling. She's smiling as she's like grabbing Billie's dick under the table. And Billie looks so uncomfortable. And then she shoots him a horny look. And Billie's like, excuse me. He's like, I got a boner. You got to get out of here. I got to flip this boner up on the waistband in the bathroom. Oh, my God. So he goes in the bathroom, and then Brooke comes in, and he goes, Brooke, this is the men's room. I'm like, what don't you get? He still doesn't get it. And she goes, it's time you stop denying your feelings, Billie. And they start kissing. And then he pauses first, like, he's like, wait a minute. What about Lowell? And she's like, oh, that's just a business deal. I can't remember. It must be after that business deal. And he stares at her for such a long time that it's like, is he drunk? They lingered on this, him, like, contemplating face. For really long time, Monica? No, this is right now. OK, because he does it again. This is right now. It's like he's thinking about it or something. I know. They really sell really well that he's very conflicted about this. Right. But no, they have this moment here, too, where he's just, like, weirdly almost smirking or something. And he seems drunk, because he doesn't know how to feel about this, because on one hand, Allison's become a total bitch, and it would be like fun to own her. Yeah. Because they've started fucking again. On the other hand, he's like, it's Billie, and he doesn't want to sleep with a woman who's engaged. But she's also very beautiful, and she's like so sexual with him. It's kind of probably hard for him to resist. Yeah. Yeah, she's sexual in a way that none of his other girlfriends were. No, I mean-- Look at Allison's Susan. I guess he had that single mom. OK. But none of these women-- the only way Allison would feel Billie up at the table is if she was blackout drunk, and that wouldn't be hot. It would just be embarrassing. It would be so sad. She would try to blow Billie. It would be like at an inappropriate time. No, they would be at like-- A funeral or something. They'd be at Spago for their anniversary, and she'd be wasted. And she'd be like, let me just give you a little treat. No, because Brooke is super confident. And do you know what I mean? It's kind of hotter when someone's-- because it's like I'd be nervous to do that in her situation. And she just doesn't give a shit. I don't think I could give-- If I had my fiancee sitting right there-- Giving someone a hand job at the table That's crazy. So it's kind of like exciting, I guess, in a way. Right. He doesn't know how to feel. At the beach house, Michael returns home to find Kimberly out on the deck passed out. And he's a real-- He doesn't realize that she's passed out or half dead yet. He's like, I told you not to be here. She's literally dying. And then he kicks her, but not in a super crazy way. He kicks her. He's like, giddy up. He's like, let's go. He's like, come on, Kimberly, wake up. And then he sees the pills. And he's like, oh god. He doesn't give a shit about her. He's so annoyed. He's annoyed with her. So he calls 911, and they go 911, and he hesitates. And then he gets this look in his eye. He's marinating, and he hangs up. And then he smiles and starts laughing. Oh. This is where the diabolical-- The episode ends. It is so fucking funny. To be honest, I was shocked he even called. It's like, well, they're going to have that on record now that you called 911. Now, he laughs so-- It is crazy. I was like, you are a piece of shit for this. I call 911. I was thinking about just how diabolical Michael Mancini is, but this is just how good of an actor Thomas Calabro is because he manages to not make us hate him. Right, because we're already predicting like, what-- Come on, Kimberly, it wasn't sure. Well, he's just too funny. He's comical. He's too camp to hate him. He's very camp. It's like, I hate Susan with the fire of 1,000 suns, but I don't hate Michael. And he's tried to kill multiple people. I'm right. No, he is-- you're right. He's camp. He doesn't even play a sinister villain. He does everything with a smile, but not an evil smile, like a goofy laugh and smile. Yeah, he thinks everything's hilarious. Yeah, it's not like some like an evil laugh. It's like goofy. He's also really amused by his own ideas. Yes, he's amused when he gets away with things. But he's also amused when he thinks up a scheme. Yeah. He's like Alyssa Edwards writing jokes and laughing to herself in the work room. No, he's tickled. He's tickled with himself. And all of his evil ideas. Everything about his life is hilarious to him. Yeah, everything's super funny. Oh, my God, no, but this was so-- this could have been such a dark scene, but you do laugh because he's so evil. When he kicks her, when he's like, well, get up, Kimberly. Just the way he turns on a dime about his emotions with people, like he literally is like, I hate you now, like Kimberly. Yeah, the jigs up, like, oh, my God. No one didn't tell her in this episode that like he's like, I never even liked you. As soon as you came back from the dead, that was over you. Yeah, yeah, he called her like a zombie or something. Right, he's like, I was over you after the car crash. He came back like a zombie. I was like, he had moved on, which is sick because we remember, you know, he was married to Sydney, right? She comes back and he-- He didn't let on to us as the audience that he was-- he hated Kimberly. He was creeped out by her. He was creeped out by her, and I think it was more like, ugh, I have to take care of someone, like that kind of stuff. But then it seemed like they did get their sort of vibe back together, being evil together-- Because they can stay together against Sydney. Yeah, so you kind of bought, but it's like to think that he had been scheming this whole time to get this insurance money. I think he's lying. But it is funny that he was scheming. Yes, like that's diabolical, like that's sick. That it's sick because he knows he caused the accident, too. Yeah, you like drunk. It's like he already-- I think he's convinced himself that the lie is true already. He might be the greatest villain of all time. Yeah, I'm so excited to see what comes for him because I truly don't remember a lot of stuff that comes in seasons 4, 5, 6, or whatever. I don't remember-- I don't remember stuff either, but he doesn't stop. No, I know he doesn't stop, but I'm just curious. I want to see the ups and downs. Yeah, I'm excited. Cool, we will be back next week. Bye. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In 2021, Afghanistan fell to the Taliban. The lives of Raha and Maua, two 20-year-old women and best friends, were forever changed. One decided to stay. I feel like I'm not, you know, worse than me. And the other to leave. We got our tickets today to the Germany. These are their audio diaries. I could only carry my body without muscle. Listen to Inside Kaboo, wherever you get your podcasts. ACAS helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere, acast.com. [BEEP]

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