Bitchslap

Melrose Place S3E23 - Love and Death 101

Alison wins, Michael shoves Kimberly into a taxi, Jo and Jake go to Washington, Amanda loves a sleaze, Billy doesn’t ask questions, Sydney has to watch Shooters, and Matt is happy to hear some sincerity.

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Duration:: 1h 2m
Broadcast on:: 02 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

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With offline maps and on-trail navigation, download the free app today and make the most of your summer with all trails. Hi, this is Bitch Slap, I'm Rachel Fisher, I'm Desi Jannigan, and this is Melrose Place Season 3, Episode 23, Love and Death 101. Well, we get introduced to Jake's half-brother in this episode, yes, this is a one entry into the light, I'm guessing light IMDB, resume of Dan Cortez. Right, I don't think he did a lot of acting in the 90s, but I don't know if it extended past that. Yeah, he's very 90s, he's so 90s, he's still there, he doesn't exist in modern times. I don't even, yeah, I think he's like trapped in the 90s, like in Amber. What was his, was he an MTV, Vijay? I think he was on MTV, I could be totally wrong. Do you remember when the MTV, Vijay used to go into acting? Yeah. Or some other like, like Daisy Fuentes obviously is probably the most well-known doing that. Jenny McCarthy, I guess, would count. Dan Cortez is 56 years old now. He is an American actor and director, he played Perry Rollins on Veronica's Closet. Oh, right, that was his really big role. And he was on What I Like About You, so he got some work in the early 2000s. Okay. What I Like About You was with Amanda Byans and Jenny Garth. That's right. Okay. He was on Andy Richter controls the universe for an episode. Was he on, the real question is, was he on Criminal Minds or Law & Order SVU? Yes. Doesn't look like it. He was on Castle. Castle, that's a show I never saw, but always knew the ads. Wait a minute, he was in the show The Curse recently. Oh, recently. Yeah, which I love that show. It was with the Nathan Fielder, Benny Safdie show. Do you not remember seeing him? I just don't remember. Maybe he looks really different. Yeah. Because he's older now. He's older. He's probably not as ripped. Yeah. He doesn't have that. He's still hanging onto his grunge haircut. He's like, well, what was the guy I just heard his name the other day and laughed out loud, Eric Knees? Oh, yeah. We talked about him because he was on the grind. He's on the grind. Someone mentioned him the other. Oh, you know what? I started watching the dark side of the '90s on Hulu. God, they have a documentary for everything, the dark side of the '90s, as if every decade doesn't have a bad-- They have the 2000s, too. The dark side of the 2000s, but I was watching the episode. I think he got mentioned on that, but there was also a whole episode on Jerry Springer, which was making me laugh. Oh, my God. So it's definitely one of those grab-back pop culture type shows that's pretty entertaining. Anyway. Yeah. So let's just get into this episode. We begin at D&D, where Allison is getting congratulated by all of her coworkers individually for winning the Century Award. She's loving it. She's not even afraid anymore. I'd be like, tone it down, everybody. Do you know what I mean? Right. She does not care. No, she is-- this is like her crowning achievement. This is the most power she's ever felt at D&D. This is like a new area. Right. 'Cause she, in her heart, does think she deserved it. Of course. She doesn't give a shit. She really is talking to Brooke at his desk, and Allison, when she stops by, she learns that the board of directors is in Amanda's office, and they want to talk to Allison. And she's kind of like, what? You know, what? I guess they want to congratulate me for my award. Yeah. And so she goes into Amanda's office, and Amanda's not in the office. She's not at D&D. She's like-- She's getting chemo, probably. She's getting chemo or something. And so this board of directors congratulates her for the Century Award. And they're like, you know, we've noticed who's been carrying the load around here. And it's you. Oh. Music to Allison's ears. She's getting recognition for all the hard work. Everything's turning up Allison. God bless you. They want Allison to take over as president immediately. And she's like, sure, I'm happy to help temporarily. And they're like, no, this is permanent. Like we're booting Amanda. And still, she's like, sure. She's great news for her. She doesn't even think twice about this. She's not like, that's sick. She is going through chemotherapy and has cancer. Right. You guys are sick for this. Right. Like, at least make this a little more. She's immediately like, that's not my problem. Like, that's the board's choice. What am I to do? And even though Amanda has always maintained her bitchiness, we haven't seen her do anything super egregious and evil to Allison in a really long time. And in fact, Allison has done things to her recently. Yeah. Like, spilled her medical tea, spilled her medical tea, applied for the award instead of letting her have it. I do love this era of Allison where she's like completely reckless with like her relationship with Amanda. Well, because we need her to feel really full of herself to truly enjoy her next come down. Yeah. We got to get her up to the heights. Yeah. We got to get her up to the heights before we knock her down. Michael is at his lawyer's office and he's telling his lawyer that Kimberly is agoraphobic so she can't be there. And like, she's like, yeah, my wife, Kimberly, you know, she don't, we don't want to get her involved. She's, she's agoraphobic since the accident. Yeah. We're like, what's going on? Yeah. And Michael, this is like a new scheme. I was going to say, I was like, wait, this is the accident that Kimberly got injured in? Like Michael was driving. So obviously Michael, like it wasn't, no one ever has figured out except for the people involved in changing the report that Michael was drunk when he was driving when he almost killed Kimberly. Right. So he's technically still a victim, I guess there's basically saying the city had something with the roads, which is why the car crashed. Yeah. Just, I mean, it's, it's always been up until this point that he had, it was an accident. Right. Right. But now he's come up with a scheme to say, like, why did it take you this long to do this? That's what I was, I was like, wait, is this the accident where Michael guy hit the car? No, this is the accident with, after he got engaged to Kimberly, where they, their car flipped and she was in a coma for a while. He's saying, uh, I got, you know, I wanted to see we can get a settlement from the city. You know, these roads are very dangerous. And he says, I want a million dollars. Yeah. So we know Michael's up to no good. Yeah. And the lawyer is like, uh, I don't think that's possible. Like they're like, this is going to also be tied up and like, it's, it's going to take a, it's going to take you a long ass time to get this million dollars if that's even possible. Right. They're not going to just hand it over. And Michael says, well, what would they give me if I leave him alone? Yeah. He's like, what can I get? What's some quick money? He'll, he'll take anything. And the lawyer's like, I don't know, like a hundred thousand dollars. He's like, okay, I'm going to need that check in a week. Sounds good. Back at D and D, Amanda arrives like seriously. This is horrible timing. Why would they just let her show up to work like this? When someone call her like on her cell phone that's attached to her face, like we need to have a meeting. So she doesn't just walk in like, okay guys, where's those briefs? Yeah. She's, she, um, she arrives and she says, Billy, where the hell is Alison? Because at this time, Amanda and Alison haven't had a confrontation since the award show. Right. So they haven't spoken since then. So she wants to lay in. Yeah. She wanted to lay in and he tries to tell her what's going on. He's like, I don't think you want to like, I, Amanda, I need to tell you like something serious is happening and she's like, you know, fuck off, Billy. And she marches over to her office where she finds Alison sitting at her desk with her little century award there. She's already like decorated. She's moved in. She doesn't have any redolls there yet. She doesn't have her dolls or teddy bears or her chintzy fabric. This was crazy of Alison. She is so brazen. And Amanda says, what the hell are you doing in my office? And she goes, get that garish thing off my desk. Yeah. I mean, imagine what Amanda must be thinking right now. Like, what is Alison doing? Right? Like, I'm surprised. She didn't say, are you? What are you drunk? Because seriously, because this makes no sense. And Alison says, Amanda, I'm sorry, but the board has appointed me president effective immediately. So she's been loving this and she's loving it. And then she's like, this is my desk, Amanda. And Amanda's like, you're a self-serving drunk. Yeah. And she is losing it. And then Alison says, Amanda, you really need to get well, but they'll always be a job here for you at D&D, which is somehow more insulting than if she just said you're fired. Yeah, fuck off. She's like, you can have a desk job in the main office. Right. What is Amanda supposed to do? Come back as an associate and work under Alison. Like-- Get real. She'll never do that. And after she says, they'll always be a job here for you, Amanda says, there sure as hell is, and you're in it. Yeah, it's on. She's not going down without a fight. She's going to get her job back from Alison. Absolutely. Even if she doesn't want it. Yeah. She's still going to do it. Yeah. At the hospital, Michael tells Kimberly that he sent there, okay, this is crazy. He's like, Kimberly, Kimberly, great news. He's like, so I sent both our resumes to the Mayo Clinic and guess what, they were really impressed and they want to see us. And she doesn't even ask any questions. She's just like, oh my god, the Mayo Clinic, I was also laughing at like, what is a doctor's resume? Like, do you think that at some point you just get hired based on your reputation? I have no idea, but it's ridiculous. She's thrilled and he's like, I'm terminating the lease on our beach house. All I need is your signature and she signs it. And he says, the Mayo Clinic wants to see them tomorrow, but I'm not able to make the flight. Got a couple of surgeries. So you're going to have to go on ahead of me. How does he get away with this? Like, I truly can't believe she's not asking any questions after everything they've been going through recently. This is so surprising. We've never even seen a conversation with them in the past where she's like, my dream is to work at the Mayo Clinic. No, this is so weird. I'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? Can we discuss this? And just to sign something without looking at it, right? So he's like, yeah, I'm busy tomorrow. So I'm going to need you to take that flight and like, go ahead without me and I'll meet you there. And she's like busy. You mean with Amanda? And he goes, oh, no, look, I got a conference, but I'll meet you at home. And then you can get packed. Yeah, he's getting right, he's getting her out of there. At Shooters, Jake gets a call from his friend, Sam, who is back in his hometown of Washington because Jake originally is from Washington State. And it doesn't sound like it's a good phone call now because Jake is bummed out afterwards. And Sydney's like, Jake, what's going on? Tell me, who is that? And he's like, Sydney, shut the fuck up. I can't have my face, Sydney. And he shuts his office door. When Amanda returns home to Melrose Place, she's not doing too well, emotionally or physically. So she calls the hospital to talk to Michael and she's explaining to him how she's feeling worse and that on top of that, they fired her today and like, everything's falling apart. Yeah. And she's like, I just need to get out of here. I can't bear seeing Amanda in the courtyard, Alison, I can't bear seeing Alison in the courtyard. No. I mean, that's crazy. Like, I'm sorry, I always forget. I'm like, wait, Alison's gonna have to see like, you cannot do this to your boss and your landlord. Yeah. Yeah. It also made me realize just how crazy it is, thinking about how Amanda is such a high-powered career woman with money and she lives in this apartment for 24-year-olds. No, that's always been crazy. Like, you expect her, I mean, her Marina Del Rey high-rise apartment, that made sense. Yeah. You expect her, if she was to move out of Marina Del Rey, she lives in like, the fucking sunset towers or whatever. Like, she lives in like, some other high-rise condiments. Right. Or if this was kind of like, a house that had like an apartment building attached, like, next to it, but it was like, with the same property and she lived in like, the nice house or something. Maybe. Right, yeah. Right. No, it is always so funny to see like, oh, she's living in the same complex as like, all these other dipshits. And her apartment isn't like, that much bigger or nicer. It's really not. It kind of has all the same amenities. Yeah. No, it's very funny. So Michael's like, I'm going to get you out of here tonight. Like, we'll go off, we'll go off somewhere to gather. Yeah. He's like, my wife's leaving soon. Just give me a few minutes. Yeah, that night Joe runs into Jake who's brooding in the courtyard, drinking a beer. And she's like, Jake, what's going on? And he's like, I got a call from an old friend of mine, Sam. And he's like, this guy, he's known my family for years and he told me that my mother died. It's like, the way he frames it is like, like, he doesn't believe him or something. Yeah. I found out my mom died with suffice, right? Right, right, right. This guy, Sam, I know, he said my mom died. He said my mom died, but I'm not buying it. I don't know. I don't have to drive up there. So they're not sure what happened to his mom, but he's got a pretty good idea. It was somehow drinking related because she's a drunk. Right. We met her in like season one. Yeah. She was an insane jacket that denim jacket with the rhinestones on. Yes. Incredible. And she had that big red hair, that orange red hair. Yes. So he says he's going to have to go to Washington for the memorial service and that he also has a half brother up there. They have the same mom. And Joe is like, let me go with you. Right. And the mom was living with the half brother in like a trailer. Yeah. So it's a, it's a situation. It's a sad situation. And he's like very happy about Joe coming up with him for support. They hug and then Sydney enters the courtyard and sees them hugging. And she's like, obviously jealous. Right. And she's like, Jake, what's going on? And he apologizes for telling her to fuck off earlier. And he's like, my mom died. And she's like, and she's like, it's okay, Jake. Can I come too? Oh, Sydney. She wants to go to Washington on the road trip. And he's like, no, no, I need you to stay here and take care of shooters, which is so devastating because it's like, technically it's like, wow, he trusts me, but it's not what I want to do. Yeah. It's like, I was like expected to be like, can't Joe take care of shooters? And I go, yeah. And she's very disappointed at that. At the beach house, Michael is shoving Kimberly into a taxi. He's so obvious that he's trying to get rid of her. There's no lingering, like, I'm going to miss you. It's literally like, okay, here you go. He's like literally shoving her in the door, putting her bags in and pushing the car almost down the road. Like, get out of here. He practically kicks the car to like, giddy up. Go. It's so funny. And making it even more absurd is that as the car is driving down the street, Amanda's car comes the opposite direction. And Kimberly isn't like, wait a minute, because this is not a busy street. It's not a busy street. It's like, and also Amanda's car is very recognizable. It's a red Porsche. It's wild that she didn't get out and immediately run at them with like a knife or whatever like something like, like she must have been like looking down at something at that exact moment. They make it literally like the car's pass. They do pass. Yeah. They're like passing each other. There's no way she wouldn't have seen it. It's so crazy. So Amanda arrives at the beach house and she's going to stay there with Michael. And she's like, wait, what about Kimberly? And he's like, don't worry. I took care of that. She's long gone. Okay, Michael. Not that long gone. No. She just left. The next day we get a new angle of the beach house. Yeah. I didn't know what it was for a second. This is a new establishing shot we have never seen before and it is like the front of the beach house that's facing the street, facing the street. Usually we get from the beach and it's much nicer from the beach. Yeah. Yeah. So Michael slept on the couch and Amanda slept in him and Kimberly's bed. So they're still in like a not fucking stage even though they have fucked. Yeah. Because the last scene was at the hotel in Santa Barbara in the hot tub where they started to kiss but nothing happened. Right. So Michael goes to Amanda's room and he's like, we need to do more chemo. And she's like, oh, I can't do more chemo. And then there's a knock at the door. And it's an insurance guy wanting to talk to Michael about his claim against the city to get some quick cash. Right. He's doing a little investigating and he's like, yeah, we're prepared to settle but we need to talk to your wife first. Uh oh. And Michael's like, huh. Yeah. He's wait here a minute or like a split second, he comes up with an idea. He's like, okay, just wait here. One second. I'll be right back. And he goes into the bedroom. He's like, Amanda, look, I can't explain this right now. But I need you to just like sit here and say nothing no matter what they say. Just say nothing. And he puts a towel around her head. This is crazy to like obscure her hair. I guess to make it look like else, my redheaded wife. Right. And it's just, and she's a little groggy, which is helpful. Yeah, she's out of it. And she's like, what Michael, she's like, Michael, what are you doing? And then the guy, the insurance guy comes in the bedroom, Michael leads him in there. And he says to Amanda, Mrs. Mancini, I'm from the insurance company. And then Amanda goes, Michael, what's going on? And then he's like, oh, baby, you just be quiet. Yeah. You just, you just lay there and rest. And Michael immediately hurries the guy, he's like, all right, you saw my wife, okay? Yeah. You saw my wife. Look how bad she's bad. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah. She's fucking never, we're going to recover from this car accident. Right. She made her even worse just by making your presence. Don't get out of my house. He kicks the guy out. And then, and then Amanda wakes up kind of. It's like snaps her awake and she goes, Michael, I don't even, oh, this was a great line. She says, Michael, I don't even want to know what this is about. You are a sleaze, which I kind of like, but I am not one of your victim girls. I don't try and pull anything like that on me again. It's accurate. Like what, that was crazy what he just pulled off. Like it is slapstick. I just love, you're a sleaze, which I kind of like, and it's accurate for her, like we know. And that's kind of what we all kind of like about Michael. He's sleazy. He's very sleazy, but he's charming, but he's charming and hot. So he gets away with it a little bit. Up in Washington, Joe and Jake go talk to his friends, this, I'm sorry, does he? This whole fucking storyline could have been like two sentences of exposition. Why do we need Sam? Why do we need Sam? Sam is so weird to me. I'm not even talking about Sam. I'm talking about Jake's mom dying. Yeah. I mean, that's true, too. But they bring this whole character as if it's necessary. He's just some guy who looks like the last person that Jake would be friends with. No, it's like he's like the nerd of the class and he's friends with the two biker guys. Like he's like a nerdy lawyer in this like, podunk town in Washington state, right? They were supposed to believe that they were high school friends. I don't even think this town has a McDonald's. I have so many questions because some of these things just don't add up. Like I'm supposed to believe that Jake was a successful like high school athlete. I'm sorry. We've literally never heard that before. I always imagined he was like the outcast, the dropout, the dropout that no one really liked, even though he was really hot, he was kind of weird. Everyone stayed away from him or scary, probably like that was kind of like the sense we got. That was like kind of what they always alluded to that he was like a rebel, a loner, dotty. Yeah. And now we're supposed to believe that he's this popular jock. I just don't buy it. Yeah. He's like, oh, you were the all state. I don't even know what that means. They kept talking about all state. I guess it's like football. I think it's football, if you make the, like they pick from all over the state, the best players for each position, like it's like the all star team. Dude, I don't fucking know anything about school football or NFL football. No, it's wow. Or British football, any of them, which is soccer to us, but yeah, this is very funny. Um, yeah, they go talk to this guy. And he tells them that Jess, his brother is not handling this well. We learn the mom died of a hemorrhage after an argument, after an argument with the brother. So they're going to go talk to the brother Jess back at D and D, Billy goes into Allison's office and he goes, so has the new press this morning. And she's wearing a red suit. She's taken over. She's playing Amanda. This is like a horror movie where they live the person's life. No, she is in full Amanda drag. And he's like, can I, he's like, I bought you a day planner. I don't know why that made a gag. That's so 90s. Here's your file effects. Um, I mean, as you know, Desi, I still use a day planner. I need to physically write things down. I like, I still, I like writing things down to, but there was just something about that era where they had things that were specifically like very corporate, kind of the file effects, right? Dude, the file effects is crazy because that also had like others. You could buy like fillers for it. That weren't just about writing things down. They would be like little folders, money. They would have the graph paper, like you could get different inserts. But the file effects was that little desktop thing that had all the numbness. No. Who was the, it's a plan or a plan that came out where you could customize them. I remember. They weren't just like books with the calendar and it had other things you could get into it. It was a brand. Yes. It was a brand that was like very popular in the 90s. And you, if you had a corporate job, you had one. You ever, yeah, because it was like your phone. It was like pre-phone where you would have your life. That was people's like, my life is in my file. It was like, it was like a folder for your receipts. You know what I mean? Like it had all of that stuff. If you lost your file effects in 1996, it was like losing your phone today. Right. All of my contacts are in there. Your business cards, business cards, just everywhere. Everything. So yeah, he's like very supportive and he's like, can I take some work off your hands? Why have we not seen one conversation between them where Billy is like, that's fucked up, man. Do you know, I feel like Billy would be like, you took a cancer person's job like that. Yeah. Like even if the board wanted it, that's weird. You would expect Billy to at least be like, you got to admit Alison. This is a little shady. I don't know. I mean, obviously it's like, what does she do in this circumstance? But she didn't handle it with any decorum at all. Or tacked. No, it was just like, come on. You got it. Come on. Yeah. Um, so she immediately turns on Billy and turns into a bitch because she's wearing the magic red skirt suit. Yeah, she doesn't even last a day where she's like, I'm going to be a different kind of boy. She's like, she's immediately, she's immediately a bitch. And she's like, Billy, I need you to work late tonight. And then he stops in his tracks and he's kind of like, wait a minute. I thought things were going to change around here. Like, at least Amanda liked me because she liked my penis. Yeah. I mean, it's like the pressure of the job has already gotten to Alison. We needed a more gradual build of that. Yeah, I would have liked to see it. Well, let's take a quick break here. We'll be right back. Hey, Dave. Yeah, Randy, since we founded Bombus, we've always said our socks, underwear and t-shirts are super soft. Any new ideas? Maybe sublimely soft or disgustingly cozy. Wait, what? I got it. Bombus, absurdly comfortable essentials for yourself and for those facing homelessness. Because one purchase equals one donated. Wow, did we just write an ad? Yes. Bombus, big comfort for everyone. Go to bombus.com/acast and use code ACAST for 20% off your first purchase. Summer is supposed to be an opportunity to slow down. But when you look at your kids, you can't help but notice that your kids are growing up fast. Help them build confidence as they grow. With Greenlight, Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families, where parents can keep an eye on kids' money habits while kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely. It's the easy, convenient way to raise financially smart kids. Get your first month free when you sign up at greenlight.com/acast. Back in Washington, Joe and Jake go to Jess's gas station where he works, and it's also like a service station. He's working on a car, and it's Dan Cortez, and he's like, "What are you doing here?" And maybe he got better, but he's not a great actor. I thought he was terrible in these scenes. Also his character is just so irritating. That's true. The character is very... It's like if you thought Jake was one-dimensional with like, "I'm tough, I'm not going to show my feelings," at least Grant Show is a pretty good actor. Dan doesn't have the chops to pull off such a one-dimensional character. Well, Jake is also sympathetic. Yeah. But they both have that anger. Well, he says something very specific later that's like, "Oh, that's where Jake got it from." Yeah. Jess is also older than Jake. That blew me away. This guy's like fucking pushing 30, and he's acting like this. I thought for sure he was the younger brother. No, he doesn't even have that as an excuse. This guy's a piece of work. He's such a pill. And I have to say though, I'd be mad too if I had to live with my drunk mom and a trailer park. I'd be bitter, but I wouldn't have a leg to stand on to blame that on Jake who got out when he could have gotten out too. That's true. So he's like, "You never gave a damn about mom." And Jake's like, "I'm here to help." And Jess is like, "Little late, don't you think?" And then Jess just starts barking at Jake. He's like, "I don't like you. You killed mom. She died because you left." And he's like, "Go back to California and leave us alone." This is when Joe's like, "What did I get myself into?" Yeah. I thought I was just coming up to support him. Right. That night at the beach house, Amanda and Michael return from chemo. And she feels awful, but she's really grateful for Michael being there for her. And he's like, "I love you, Amanda, and I'll do whatever it takes." And she's like, "Please, please, don't tell me you love me." I'm already nauseous. So let's not go there. At D&D, Billy finished his work, and he gives it to Allison in her office, and then she shuts the door and starts kissing him. She's like, "I'm going to start sexually harassing my employees, like immediately." Yeah. She's like, "I'm going to go one step further than Amanda. I'm not only going to be a bitch, I'm going to be the boss that sexually harasses." Like she really went from zero to 60 in the bad boss department. Yeah. And she's like, "I just want to thank you, Billy, for everything, for getting me into rehab, for helping me out." And then she starts unbuttoning his shirt, and Billy's into it. They start going at it on the desk, and then he stops for a sec. He goes, "Wait a minute, on Amanda's desk?" And she says, "It's my desk now." I mean, who knew that this was all she needed to get some confidence? Destroy Amanda. I think this indicates that Allison has been fantasizing about getting fucked on Amanda's desk and leaving a wet spot forever. Oh, yeah. No. She... No, this was pointed. Yeah. She's going to tell Amanda about this at some point. Or be like, "Oops." There's some panties. Oh, my panties are under here. Here's your old desk blotter. That stain. That's my pussy juice from what I fucked, Billy. Right. Or there's like a cum stain that never got cleaned up, and Amanda's moving back into her old desk. I mean, she's like, "Oh, whoops, guess I missed this spot." Yeah. No, she's going to use this somehow. Yeah, Amanda's going to sit down at the desk and go, "What does that smell?" Allison, get in here right now. The next day in Washington, it's the funeral. It's a very sad funeral because it's like three people in a cemetery. No, it's a classic, sad, loser funeral on TV. And Jake doesn't want to start because Jess isn't there yet. And Sam is there, and he's like, "Yeah, Jess is really upset. He doesn't want to be here." And Sam says, "There's actually a lot of stuff that needs to be dealt with after the service, like dealing with your mom's trailer, and Jake's like, "Okay, whatever, whatever. Let's just fucking do this funeral." No. Sam is just, it's such a funny character for me because he's also like the town lawyer. He's also in charge of the mom's estate, I guess. Right. Which is like nothing. Right. Like she owes money. Like she, did she hire this lawyer to put together these documents? Or he's just doing it because he's the one guy in town. It's just very funny because it's like, "Yeah, this woman of course wouldn't have taken care of anything." No. At D&D, Allison's doling out work for Billy, and Billy's like, " Allison, I need to talk to you about what happened on the desk last night." He's like, "I just want to know what you want." And she goes, "I want to do my job." Yeah. She's Amanda now. Yeah. And he's like, "Well, I don't want to be your boy toy." And she's like, "Fine, I'll go to the advertising dinner by myself tonight." This is who I am now. You meant nothing to me. Up in Washington, Jake goes to Jess's trailer, and Jess is inside freaking out looking for something. Looks like he's like looking for his stash. Yeah. And then he accuses Jake of taking the mom's jewelry box, and Jake's like, "I didn't take anything, man." Who, like what jewelry does she have? Let's get real. Yes, serious. This lady is not stashing family heirlooms worth a damn. No. She just has some junk jewelry, like Claire's level. Not even like cool costume jewelry now. She's got some bullshit in there, and Jess is being a whiny baby. He's like, "You just got on your bike and you left." It's such an obvious storyline that it's just like, "Come on, let's just move forward already." I hate this storyline. It's just boring. It's so boring. 'Cause we know where it's going. Yeah. He's got this big chip on his shoulder. He makes Jake's tantrums seem reasonable and adult. Yeah. This is like a whole other level, and Jake is like, "See you around." He turns to leave, and then Jess is like, "You judge me? You judge me?" It's like, "No, he was literally just leaving." And he's like, "After all I did for you, go to hell." Back at the beach house, Billy stops by to bring Amanda her severance papers, and this is another weird thing. It's like, "Why does he say, 'What are you doing here?'" There's no moment where he's like, "Why are you here at the beach house?" Yeah. "Why are you in your apartment? Why are you at Michael and Kimberly's house? Where's Kimberly? Does she know about this? What's going on?" No, he doesn't say anything. Typical straight guy doesn't want to know the tea. No. Just as very matter of fact. If Matt was bringing it, we would have asked questions. Matt would have gotten all the tea, and Billy could care less, and he goes, "This termination seems kind of unfair." Finally. He finally admits that this is a little fucked up, and then Amanda's like, "You know what? That part of my life is over now," and she's rethinking everything. Yeah. She's having this moment of clarity that we know will end at some point, but for now it's kind of like, "Yeah, good. Move on. Fuck those people. Fuck D&D. It sucks. Their big account is glorious gowns. You can do better. Right. Like, this is crazy. You can do so much better. Get out of this D&D with its weird copper turrets inside of whatever those are. Yes. It's like copper. Yes. So it just doesn't look -- it's like, you want to -- Amanda needs to work somewhere where it's sleek with a lot of steel and metal. Brush steel. Brush steel. She needs the brushed steel. She needs the post-modern carpet, and she needs the fucking naguchi-ass table. Yes. Like, that's where Amanda would fit in with the glass. Yeah. She needs a sleek, modern place downtown with other assholes. Like, she's literally working at a mom-and-pop advertising agency almost. That somehow has stock options. Yeah. No. Why isn't she working with other assholes? Why isn't she in the cut-throat environment where she would thrive? I don't think she'd be satisfied in a place where she's clearly the best and has no real competition. Well, it's like, look who the people under me are. It's like Big Fish Small Pond. That's what it is. I think she would prefer a more challenge. She needs to be in New York. Yeah. This is crazy. I'm glad she's moving on for now. Jake and Jess are -- wait, Jake and Joe. Jake -- It's a lot of J's. It's three J's in Washington right now. I can't handle it. Because they're kind of like cool people have a J name. It really is. Yes. She is in an androgynous name. Jess, it's so not shocking that the brother's name is Jess. It's the least shocking that ever. They're at the highway host Motown, which I lived for. They could not have gotten a seedier motel to stay at. This town, I feel like I know exactly what this town is. This is like a meth town. It's a meth town. And if you're not doing meth, it's driven you to drink alcohol. It's like, what are you doing here? There's so many towns like this in Northern California. Or the Pacific Northwest. Yes. Because no one lives here, there's nothing to do. It's rainy. Yeah. And it's just like, what do you do here for a living? Meth. Yeah. That's all they're doing. You do meth there. I do think there is a lot of meth in Oregon, right? I don't know 100% know, but there are so many small towns, I think. You know? Yeah. I don't know. And there's definitely some, look, I've only been to Oregon like twice. I know there's a lot of beautiful areas, but I think Oregon's one of those states where it's like really weird towns and then very beautiful cool cosmopolitan towns and small towns. Right. And it's obviously very beautiful in the Pacific Northwest. But this place, I mean in Washington the same, but this place in Washington is like, Washington is like allegedly, I haven't been there, but from pictures I've seen, it's like beautiful. Oh, it's gorgeous. This doesn't even look gorgeous. This town is like the butthole of Washington. There's nothing going on. What's going on? We don't see anything except for the hotel. That's like the main business. And it's probably just a roadside on the people are going through here on their way somewhere else. They're going through there out of desperation. They can't drive one mile further and they're desperate and they stop there. And it's, it'll be like one of the scariest nights of, they're like, yeah, we couldn't wait to get a highway hose to a towel. This is definitely one of the worst sleeps of their life is in this hotel. Absolutely. They didn't even like go on, they put their own blankets on top of that and they're not even, you don't even have to be a germaphobe to do that. No, it was frightening. But they're like going to drink some beers and like Joe has brought snacks and beer. She's trying to make a thing a night of it. Dude, you can't, you can't make it like a fun, campy, kitschy night out of this motel. It's too haunted. It is very haunted. It's like there's, there's no, um, the vibes are off. There's not, not even any like fun, ironic factor to this place. Right. It's not like kitschy. It's a dive. Yeah. A dive, you don't want to dive hotel. They're staying at this motel, whatever, Jake starts getting emotional about his brother Jess and how he never got a chance to fix anything with his mom. And then he launches a beer at the wall, but it's not like in an angry way. He kind of just like throws his beer at the wall. Yeah. Cause they're like, this place is disgusting anyway, gives a shit. The beer like is in a can, it kind of just bounces off the wall. Jake. And then they start fucking. It's almost like a rage fuck, but not against Joe, like he's not mad at Joe. They're both just trying to like, yeah, fuck away the pain. They're trying to fuck away the gross motel room, which is wild because it's like the last place you'd want to have your naked body on any of these surfaces. I don't want my ass anywhere inside that place. Yeah. I'm getting bed bugs squished in your butt. The next day Joe drives to the service station where Jess works and she's like, Hey, I don't even want to talk. And he's like, I don't want to talk to you. Wasn't Jake like, where are you going? This is an annoying quality of Joe is like, she feels like she should just insert herself. Yeah. Into this like family drama that's not going to get resolved in a day. No, it's so deep. And Joe is like, Jake loves you. And Jess is like, did he say that? And she goes, no, not exactly. And then he starts complaining about when they were kids. He's like telling her this whole story about how when him and Jake were kids, they broke into a store and somebody snitched and said it was the Hanson brothers. This is like, once again, why it makes no sense that Jake was like the bad Hanson boys, but also the star athlete made no sense. Those don't go together because he was has always been like the hard, the hard knock kid right with the drunk mom and he got out and he made a new life for himself in California. His mom's not taking him to practice. No, come on, like get real. So just said that he covered for his brother when they got arrested and that he ended up going to juvenile hall and Jake went on to all state. It's sort of like, it's funny how they're like, let's just write this story. They're retconning. They're retconning it. Jake, first of all, Jake's nature is he would never let someone take the blame for him. We all know this. He would never let someone take the blame and he would never do organized sports. Yeah. He doesn't like organized sports. He gets exercise from manual labor and fucking. Yeah. That's how he works out. That's his sport. And he tells Joe, he's like, get out of here. This guy's angry, but I do like seeing people be mean to Joe. She's so stupid when she thinks she's going to do. Yeah. She's not even like, imagine doing that and starting yourself into some long term family drama like that and you have never met this person. It's so dumb. I mean, at least Sydney, even though she would probably end up making things worse in the long run, at least in the short run, she'd like fuck him. Yeah. And try and like, you know, make him happy maybe? Yeah. She'd flirt with him. Back at the hospital, Matt tells Michael, he's got some forms for him, but Michael's in a daze and they're like walking down the halls and he's like, you know, Matt, I'm in love with Amanda and Matt's like, what? And he's like, yeah, I feel like I've lost control. And Matt's like, well, it's amazing to hear a note of sincerity in your voice, but Michael, you're married for God's sakes. And he goes, oh, come on, Matt, you hate Kimberly just as much as I do. Okay. We get our first confirmation that he hates Kimberly that Michael and Matt Michael does. Yeah. Like he literally, because at this point we're like, I mean, he doesn't seem like he wants to be married, but now he's like, I hate that bitch. Yeah. Because just be happy the bitch is getting what she deserves. He's like, come on, Matt, she tried to ruin you like you ate her too. Well, it's like, yeah, but you actually ruined her life, Michael. Matt is different because Kimberly did come at him for no reason, like, right. Back in Washington, Jacob apologizes to Joe for last night and she's like, no, it was great. And they pull up to Jess's trailer and Sam is there. He's just standing there in his cheap suit, the town lawyer and he's like, this is the only property your mom had and Jake is like, whatever you can get for it, it goes to Jess. And this is where Jess says, I don't need your charity, Jake. They have so much in common. I wonder where we've heard that before. And Jake is, Jake is kind of gagged when he hears this. Like the book on his face is like, oh, that's how it feels to hear that. That's, wait a minute. I'm realizing something. He's like, oh, that is annoying when someone says that. Right. Because usually the person is just trying to do the right thing. Right. And then Jess is like, you want to take a shot. He out of nowhere is like, you want to take a shot at me? And I was like, yeah, and I was like, no one is there. You guys are at, you guys need to go to therapy stat. Like I've never seen two more people need therapy more because they're just ready to fight and like on edge all the time, like this is crazy. And Jake is like, just trying to do what's right. And then he turns around to leave and Jess is like, I'm sorry, out of nowhere. He just goes, I'm sorry. It's like, you guys are wounded and Jake goes, yeah, me too. And then he does. They just leave. And maybe we'll talk someday. Okay. I was like, this happened very fast. I forget if this is the last we see of Jake. It is. It is not. God damn it. And you're going to speaking of getting gagged and you're going to get gagged when you see how he comes back in because I remember this storyline. You know what? I do remember he starts interacting with other Melrose place people and it's like annoying. And in particular. Okay. Well, let's say that. So that night at the beach house, Michael returns home and finds Amanda on the kitchen floor unconscious with like a glass of water by her. So he takes her. He scoops her up. He's going to take her to the hospital and right after he leaves, this is like a play. Once again, passing ships in the night as soon as he shuts the door with Amanda, Kimberly enters the house from like another, she enters from the glass lighting doors on the deck for some reason. I see each other. No, and she's like, Michael, I'm home. And then she walks into the bedroom and she like smells some clothing and she's like and then she finds a hairbrush. That's obviously not Michael's among other things like she like Amanda full on put her clothing in the drawers. That's crazy. I was like, when did she just unpack and fill Kimberly's drawers with her stuff? Like how long has she even been there like two days? And she's been in a state where she would not be unpacking probably living out of your go back. Yeah. No, this is funny. She also finds pill bottles that have Amanda's name on them. So she is furious. Yeah. She's been had. She's been had and something's going to go down. Michael's an idiot. He's so dumb. I need to know what happened because do these people ever communicate with each other? Why didn't he just divorce her? Divorce her. But also she just came back and wasn't like, wait, what day are you coming? Because remember he was supposed to meet her? Right. Like she never even called the happy tells like I'm waiting for you or called and said I'm actually going to come home early. I'm also kind of like, was the Mayo Clinic thing real? Do you know what I mean? Because I kind of was like, is he serious? Is she going to show up there and they're going to be like, who are you? Do you know what I mean? Like what went down at the Mayo Clinic? Yeah, because obviously something legit had to happen because she came home happy. She's like, I found I have these brochures for apartments. Yeah. She's just like, what happened here? She didn't say I'm going to come home Wednesday night. Can you pick me up at the airport? They're married. Like you would call your husband and say, can you get me? Right. Yeah. Yeah. But what? No, this is so baffling. I just need to know what the thought process process was here. Like I'm going to have a man to live at my beach house while my wife's gone for three days. I have another question. Where is the Mayo Clinic? Like Michigan, Ohio. I think it's like, yeah, it's somewhere in the Midwest. I know it's in the Midwest. Yeah. I don't know exactly what state. I feel like Michigan might be right. I know it's in the Midwest. Yeah, me too. So it's pretty far. It's far. That's a long, longish flight, right? It's not like she's flying down up to Oakland or something. She's flying at least four hours. Yeah. I guess I just find it hard to believe unless she walked in and was like, surprise, which she didn't really do? No. Also, I don't know. But the plan was for him to meet her there. Yes. Why is she back without telling him I'm coming back? We needed one scene at the Mayo Clinic. Right. This is how this should have gone down is if the final scene of the episode is Kimberly walks into the Mayo Clinic and she says, Hi, I'm Dr. Shaw. My husband, Dr. Michael Bansini said he sent our resumes over here. I just wanted to say we would love to work at the Mayo Clinic. They're like, Dr. Shaw, Dr. Shaw, I'm sorry. We don't have anything by that name. And then her close up on her face. It clicks with her, what happens? Yeah. Yeah. Right. And that could have happened mid episode and then she comes back and finds the Amanda stuff but hasn't told Michael like if they wanted to have that scene? Yes. But we've already seen her realize it instead. We had to get like an extra scene with Dan Cortez. Why did we have to have the scene with Joe trying to talk to him? Why did we need eight scenes of him being angry or Sam? Why do Sam need to be there? Why did we need so many? It's like, we get it. We've been through this with Jay. We know this guy is angry and has issues for no reason that are related to the mom. Like, we don't need eight scenes up it. No. And then or if you're going to do that, at least split it up where you have a transition to them forgiving each other and it doesn't happen in one line. You can have the two of them getting shit face drunk together laughing about how dumb the mom was and then crying. What if they both showed up to the town bar and they realized they're both there and that's how they bond? That would have been a good scene. And then Jake like does some bartending tricks because he's like, I'm a bartender. Yeah. And everyone. That's right. And then everyone claps. Everyone in the bar claps. He tries to do like a cocktail moment. Yeah, he does that. And then maybe Jess has like a trick too. Like he pulls something out of his butt. Like that. Wait, what? I don't know. I'm just saying like they have this bonding moment. Like dad taught me this, pulled this out of my butt when I was four. I'm just thinking like he's probably Jess. I bet Jess is a fart lighter. Oh, I think he like gets on the floor of the bar. There's some childhood things they tricks they used to do. They're so dumb. And he pushes, he pushes Jake to the ground and farts in his face. Remember when we were kids? Yeah. And everyone at the bar is like, oh, shots on me. Yeah. And then Jake like gives him a atomic wedgie. He's like, yeah, they're just like being gross with each other, but they're laughing and crying and everyone else at the bar is like, all right, we were happy for you for like a minute. Last call. No, they could have had such a good scene, but instead it was just fight, fight, fight. Okay. I miss you, bro. See you soon. Yes. See you soon. We needed some levels to this. I think so. Like why not have fun with it? But no one wants to be around a guy that angry for no reason for eight scenes. And it's the same level the whole time level and even the story he told, it's like there was no like crying, like he wasn't really emotional about it. He was just mad, like that would have been a good opportunity to see you like, I love that kid, like something like I remember when mom had him, whatever, like, or he could have been like, I remember one time I came home and found like Jake still in the bathtub because the mom was so drunk, she passed out. Yeah. There was just so much opportunity to do something cool. Yeah. I don't know. Let's like drag the drunk mom a little more and that's a bonding moment. Yeah. That would be fun. Let's talk about like her weird guys, she fucked. He did say something in one of the scenes where he's like, I'm the one who had to keep the guys out of mom's pants. So it's like, let's explore that. Let's talk about that. Which guys? Yeah. And how did you do that? What did you do? Like, yeah. Did you beat the shit out of her boyfriend? Did you have to like, try them off? Don't fuck my mom. Like, yeah, but they're drunk. Let's get up inside her. They fell asleep inside the mom and they're just like, also, you live with your son like that in a trailer and you're fucking guys because this was a small trailer. Yeah, it was small. It was super small. So that's crazy. I'd have a lot of sympathies. Like, I used to hear mom getting fucked every night. Right. You were off at all. I earned my letters and hearing mom get fucked. I really wish we had gotten that line. That's in our gritty reboot. When we do our gritty reboot of Noah's place, even though they didn't know how to write trash characters properly, I think, you know? Well, it's just this very like one dimensional kind of like these are the kids from the wrong side of the track, but then Jake is also a star football player. I think it's kind of like, here's a tropey storyline. You know it. Fill in the details. Fill in the details you like best. No, we need some like very specific dark details. I just, I think that's why I also thought Jake being the older brother would have worked more because he left the baby brother behind is more devastating to me. Yeah, like you left me here with her. Do you know what I'm saying? And it makes sense that he would leave first. And then the brother would feel stuck with her because no one else was there to care for her. That would be more devastating and make more sense instead of it's like, dude, just fucking your go, your old kind of left before Jake, he was still in school. Like, it just makes him even less sympathetic and more stupid. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why I assume Jake was the older because he left one. No, the second he could. Maybe Jake is older. No, no, he is the older brother because I was like, what? It's crazy. No, this guy's definitely the older brother because it was shocking information to me. And it didn't make sense to me story wise. He needed to go to Allen on to have his Allen on sponsor tell him you, your mother's an alcoholic and you can't save her. Yeah. From alcoholism. No, this is a new problem. Right. This is a you problem. You stayed. You enabled your mom by staying. And then you got into a fight with her and gave her a hammer. Sorry. Yeah. Like, what's going on there? You enabled your mom until she died. Yeah. That would have been like the hard truth. And that is sad. Was her mom, was the mom Sherry? Was that her name? Hi, Brandy. Brandy Sherry. It was one of those. It was an alcohol name. It was one of those names. Am I making that up? No. I'm pretty sure it was some. Shall we? No. It was like definitely like one of those crystal Sherry Brandy kind of like one of those type of names. Yeah. That's my memory. Possibly. I can't remember. But she was a real. She was a great character. She was such a. I'm honestly sad we didn't get to see her again. I'm sad she died that way. Like it did devastate me a little bit. I was a little, I would think I was. Yeah. I was like more sad than the sun. It was me too. I was like she needed help. She needed help but she also, we needed to see more of her because she would have been like, it would have been fun to see her get mixed up in some stuff down in LA. Yeah. Absolutely. Because Jake doesn't have much storyline going on. Not right now. No. He could have used it. And then she died. Maybe they've got back together and then she died. Oh, like they bonded again. They re-bonded finally. That would have been devastating. But she relapsed. Yeah, something. I don't know. And then Allison took her to an AA meeting. Allison was her sponsor. Allison was her sponsor. That would be so funny. Oh my god. Great. Okay, back next week. Bye. Bye. [Music] Summer is supposed to be an opportunity to slow down. But when you look at your kids, you can't help but notice that your kids are growing up fast. 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