Bitchslap

Melrose Place S4 E2 - Melrose is Like a Box of Chocolates

Jake is drunk, Peter works on Kimberly, Michael auditions hot receptionists, Sydney annoys Amanda, Jane barks orders at the office, Alison wears a cute outfit, Kimberly stabs a guy, Amanda feels bad about being a bitch, Brooke gets a check, Billy feels deceived, Jo consoles Jake, and Matt punches people.

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Duration:: 1h 3m
Broadcast on:: 10 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

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Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45 up from three months plus taxes and fees, promoting for new customers for limited time. Unlimited more than 40 gigabytes per month, slows. Full turns at mintmobile.com. Hi, welcome to Bitch Slap. This is Melrose Place, season four, episode two. Melrose is like a box of chocolates. It's 1995. Boris Gump is hot as hell. It's still... It's hot off its Oscar nomination. Yeah. I'm sure it won something. Did it win Best Picture? Best Picture. Yeah. And I just learned a few things. I just learned that does he's never seen Boris Gump. Nope. I know the lion's bow. And I know the shrimp. I know the guy, what's his name? Gary Sinise. Yeah. Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan. Is he in a wheelchair? He is. He lost his legs and numb. And I know the girl died of AIDS. Okay. That's like what I know. Jenny. Anyway, this is Melrose Place, not Boris Gump. And arguably way more exciting piece of content and something I've seen. Yeah. Okay. So there's construction going on at Melrose because Amanda's going to fix this complex. She's going to rebuild. Yeah. She's inspiring. Yeah. And nothing will get her down. So also Amanda and Sydney are roommates now because Amanda's apartment got blown up. And they're already fighting. Yeah. Sydney's in the shower scatting. She's like, well, she's going to make Amanda's life how as long as she's in her apartment. This is the oddest pairing of living together because they've never really had a story together outside of her being kind of the landlord to Sydney. Right. I can't remember a significant story of them other than, yeah, Amanda being like, where's your rent? You need to pay your rent. So, um, Sydney's being a brat and Amanda turns the shower off. And she's like, you can pay the utilities because you take such long showers. What a cheap landlord. Well, you know, she's using the cheapest possible materials in this construction too. And she makes them have like that crappy low flow shower head to save water. Yeah. And it's like, no, I want to, I want it hard. She's also just like painting over shit. Oh, she's like painting over black mold. Yeah. And like a bug. And she's, she's using like rebuilding, but not really going to the fire smell will never be gone. No, because she didn't do it properly. Yeah. She, she cut some serious corners except on her apartment. Her apartment's going to get upgrades. Yeah. That's going to be awful. Everyone else is going to be like a major downgrade. Even Allison, even though she promised Allison, she'd take extra special care. We'll see how long that last. So Matt is out of jail, as we mentioned, as we talked about last week. And he's moving into Joe's apartment. Another weird roomy sitch. Yeah. Even though she pretends that she's like a friend of Matt's and she loves him. Right. But what has she done for him lately? Well, Joe does have the only excuse not to have checked on him because she was beaten up. She was, she was beaten up. You're right. So that is, she's the only person. Yeah. And Jake too. True. That's very true because he was hospitalized. Yeah. But everyone like before that. So yeah, they're going to be roommates. And Jake, they see Jake downstairs and he's like, Hey, and he appears drunk. Sorry. This is the funniest drunk person act I've ever, like it's comical. Like it's not at all frightening. Really? It's like stage drunk. I just don't believe he's drunk. He just seems like different. Like it's weird. Yeah. He's like, this is a coping mechanism. Yeah. It's bizarre. And he's like, he, he says something really weird to Matt. He says, Hey, Matt, I was bummed out when I heard you were in jail. So I'm glad you're out. Yeah. I mean, at least finally someone cares, but he says he's bummed out, bummed out. Matt'll take what he can get with this group. And he also lets them know that he's having a party at shooters on Wednesday. See, this is where you're like, something's wrong with Jake. He's having a party. Right. That's not Jake. Yeah. And then Joe's like, what are we celebrating? And he says, you're a smart chick. You'll figure it out. It's like evil Jake or something. Yeah. This is Wario. Yes. Jane made breakfast for Allison. Um, honestly, oh, I wrote, this is a great device blowing up the building so it would force everyone to have to live together, like to shake things up. Very true. Billy shows up wanting to check on Allison and Allison's like, leave me alone. You have a wife. She's mad. And then he's like, Allison, I'm always going to care about you. Whether you like it or not. There's something so like a guy about being like, I'll always care about you. It's like care, it's like the lowest form of love. It's the least he can do. It's the least he can do. Jane, after Billy leaves, Jane is like, when do you plan on telling Billy that your blindness is only temporary? And she's like, I know what you're up to, Allison, and the way you're handling poor Billy is inspired. Jane is so evil now. I love it. Yeah. She's like, let's use men. Let's turn the tables. I love it. Yeah. Jane tells Allison she's not a doormat anymore. And she's like, and neither are you, Allison, we need to be bitches. I support them. I support them. I just, I hope their evilness stays. I know it won't though. We hope we get a big payoff. Yeah. She then asks what else she wants to do besides get Billy back, or besides Billy. And Allison says she wants her old job at D&D back. And Jane is like, definitely read that, where's my cheese book? What's it called? Don't move my cheese. Who moved my cheese? She read that book. And so she tells Allison that she needs to demand Amanda give her job back. Like don't ask, demand. And she's like all sisters are doing it for themselves right now. Absolutely. And then she calls them Thelma and Louise. I'm trying to remember, she got into a huge fight with Allison when Allison told her that Michael was cheating. Yeah. Right. I'm just trying to remember their history. She wasn't all girl power then. No. No. At the hospital, Peter goes to see Kimberly in her yellow hospital gown. She's scared, but she still doesn't think that she blew up the building. She's like, I'm a doctor. I know. It's like, OK, let's move on from this. I love him. Kimberly's denial. I don't need another scene of this. Yeah. I get it. And he's like, Kimberly, you're crazy. And she gets upset. And he's like, no, that's a good thing because you're going to be charged with first degree murder among other things. And everyone's going to testify against you. So if you don't say that you're crazy, you're going to spend the rest of your life in prison. I always like the people where that's their only option to not go to life in prison. And they're like, no, I'll never say that I'm crazy. Like, that's the biggest, you know, insult to me. I was like, who gives a shit? Yeah. And Melrose Place is so funny because it wouldn't, that wouldn't even fucking matter because regardless of if she was in a psych hospital or maximum security prison, she's going to be locked away with the key thrown out for what she did. Yeah. In real life. Yeah. Instead, something wildly different happens. Right. Because it's Melrose Place. It's Melrose Place. Peter's begging her. He's like, please do this for me. Do this for us. Tell them you're crazy. I'm like dying to know what his plan is because I don't remember at all. I vaguely remember it and it's really stupid. I'm just like, what the hell is he doing? Kimberly goes through some changes and there's a storyline. She like a character storyline, whatever she takes on that like kind of always irritated me it's money, but it's like stupid. Yeah. Anyway, she is still adamant that she's not crazy. Brooke meets her dad on the golf course and she's like, Billy and I are happily living in his apartment. And she says, by the way, how much did mommy leave me in the will? Now when did the mom die? Is this like pre-show? Yeah. Okay. So this is the first we're hearing of it though, kind of. Well, there's a reason that she's asking him now, right? But we just never even heard about the mom up until this point. No. So they're like, this is the first we hear about it. And Brooke is very curious about how much her mom left her in the will. And we find out why she's asking. She says, now that I've satisfied the last condition of her will by marrying Billy. Right. This is a classic device where someone has to get married by age 25 or whatever to get their money. Have you ever heard of that in real life? I mean, I'm sure it's happened. But that is like a classic. I've only seen it in TV and movies. I've only seen it in TV like flowers in the attic. Why would you put that condition on someone? You have to get married. Sometimes they even have like an age or something. Why? Why is that so important to you? You're dead. Yeah. I mean, they've also had it where it's like the child or whatever, the grandchild or son is clearly gay. And it's like this force forcing them to marry a woman or something. I've seen that one before too. Right. So it's almost like it almost makes sense there with the evil persons trying to force them into like heteronormative like lifestyle. Yeah. Yeah. So we find out essentially in this scene that pretty much the only reason Brooke married Billy is so she'd get this inheritance from her mom. I mean, you don't think she really loves Billy? I think she does love Billy. I do too. But I think she like really pushed it, pushed rushing the wedding because Billy did propose to her. Right. And she did have a fiance before Billy. So I feel like she's like, I actually like this guy. Right. Yeah. I'd feel like this has just been on her mind since she turned 18 probably is like I need to find someone to get married to. That's why I'm wondering if there was like why she needed the money so bad. Um, because right now her dad gives her an allowance. I guess. Yeah. And she wants her own money. Yeah. Um, then she, yeah, then she asks her dad for an advance on her allowance. And Haley owns her ass. He's like, you want an allowance? Ask your husband, your billy's responsibility now. And then he just like takes off in his golf cart. Yeah, it's kind of funny. This whole situation with the money, like, do you know what I mean? Cause she kind of like seems like she wants to be a working girl, like have her little career. I think she wants to be like, I have a job. It's like a fake, you know, it's like an accessory, but I'm also a multimillionaire. Right. So I don't really need this job, but this is just for funsies. I guess it also gives her freedom from the dad in a way. Yeah. It gives her the illusion of freedom too. I just would be horrified if somebody said to me, your billy's responsibility now. Oh my God, having to rely on him? No. Yeah. I don't think so. She, Jane walks Alison into the office and Alison looks cute. This is definitely better than the skirt suits that she usually wears at D and D and doesn't pull off as well as Amanda. I think she should, she should like take cues from this outfit she put together. Yeah. She's wearing an ice blue sleeveless turtleneck with a matching ice blue satin skirt. It's like a long skirt. It looks comfy. It looks comfy, but still chic and easy, but put together, do you think Jane dressed her? That's a great question because Alison can't see. So Jane probably did dress her. I feel like this looks like something Jane would put together for someone else, not for her, but for someone else. That is called the costumers or genius on a show. So Alison says she's here to see Amanda and Brooke is like, do you have an appointment? And then Alison shoves Brooke out of the way and says, get out of my way, Brooke. Then Jane and Alison laugh. Yeah. They're like, ha, ha, ha, we're bullies now. We'll just shove people aside. Honestly, Brooke deserved it. It's funny because even though I think Brooke is awful, part of me is on her side because she's actively destroying Alison. She literally fucked Alison over so hard. She fucked her over. I am on her side just also for the storyline of what happens to Billy. Yeah. It's like so fun to watch. And we've already started to see some of it. Yes. In Amanda's office, she's wearing a turquoise skirt suit and she's being very nice to Alison. And Alison just cuts right to the chase and she's like, I want my old job back. And if you refuse to give it to me, I'll sue for discrimination. This is a crazy claim from Alison because she's acting like you didn't get fired. You got fired. She's fired. She got fired well before that. Yeah. But I do appreciate that Alison went there. Yeah, she's coming in hot and Amanda's actually not putting up any fights. No, she's like, well, you don't have to do that. I want to make it up to you and I'd be thrilled to have you back at D&D. And Alison's like, that was easy. Yeah. And she starts tomorrow. At the hospital cafeteria, Peter and Michael are having lunch with Dr. Hobbes. And Dr. Hobbes and Michael are dunking on Peter. They're like, why are you spending so much time with Kimberly? She's a bitch. No one gets what he's doing. Yeah. They're like, what's your angle? Why are you wasting your time? Yeah. That's what Michael says. And Peter says, he's like, you better not dunk on me, Michael. We're looking for office space right now. Yeah. They're still moving forward. They're a little business plan. Yeah. They're like side hustle. The two worst doctors in LA to gather at last. Matt walks into the cafeteria and he sees Paul having lunch with some woman. And he's like kind of flirting with her. And then Matt marches right up to Paul at his table and he's like, enjoy it while at last Paul. The truth is going to come out and everyone's going to know you're a murderer. Yeah. I love this Matt. I do too. He's messy. He should have always been this way. And everyone in the cafeteria like turns around. They're like, oh my God, Dr. Paul is a murderer. Something juicy is finally happening. It's like the golden days of Kimberly and Michael. Yeah. It's going down. Yeah. We have a new psychotic couple on the rise. Paul's like, stay away from me. And then Matt tells the girl that Paul's having lunch with. Take my advice. Watch your back. Paul kills everyone he gets involved with. And that's when Paul gets up and grabs Matt and then Matt punches him. Matt, the past two episodes, he's been very physical. Yeah. He can't, he cannot hang anymore. He is like over it. Matt actually gets two punches in. Yeah. He's fucking, he's a good fighter. Yeah. And Michael pulls him off of Paul. He's like, he's not worth it. He's not, don't do this. Don't be stupid. Michael, the voice of reason. I know. But he is right. Matt is like playing the fire here because he's on bail. He's out on bail. This could easily get his bail revoked, especially considering that he's fighting with an alleged victim. Also, you want to play it cool so you can gather evidence. You can't have him so suspicious that you're on to him. Well, now he can never wear a wire with Paul. No. Because Paul is like, he's like, you punched me, dude. And you embarrass me in front of this chick. The next morning at Melrose, Sydney is loafing on the couch watching TV and Amanda tells her to get the door. It's Peter and he wants to talk to Amanda and he tells her that he's had himself assigned to Kimberly's case and he's like, I care about people now. I'm changed. I actually want to do no harm now as a doctor. And he's like, I just don't want to see her locked up and Amanda's like, well, why not? She's a female terminator. Yeah. Amanda's like, I've also care about people now, but not Kimberly. Right. Fuck her. I like that this bomb going off made several characters have like a change of heart about being an asshole, because Peter really leapt into action when the bomb went off. Yeah. So I feel like it kind of revived his little like Dr. Lee ways. Yeah. Because he kind of appeared to have a moral compass when he first appeared on the show because he was on to Kimberly and Michael. Yes. Um, he's, he's like, if you, he's like, man, I'm here to tell you, like, not to file stocking charges against Kimberly, because that, that'll be bad for her case. And the court's not going to show any leniency. And she's like, sorry, yeah, I'm going to file stocking charges. It's not her problem. Yeah. At Matt's lawyer's office, she scolds him for getting into a fight with Paul at the hospital cafeteria. Alicia, the lawyer says that Paul has been in for questioning twice by police. And she's concerned that he might take a deal and admit to the murder, but name Matt as a mastermind, who the master, and master criminal. Yeah. And he's like, but that's a lie. She's like, who cares? That is so clueless sometimes. It's like, yeah, it's a lie. Yeah. It's all a lie. The whole thing's a lie. I'm getting worried for him. Me too. He's got to play it smart. Yeah. I don't even remember how this storyline ends. I know it's either because he's like in deep shit right now. I mean, yeah, he's accused of killing a wife, someone's wife that he was fucking. That's like, you're the number one suspect and he beat up Paul in the cafeteria, a lover's quarrel. They had a major lover's quarrel. Some dumb bitch podcaster is going to cover this case and laugh at them in 20 years. This has all the details. It has all the makings for a very juicy date line episode. Oh my God. Just like the early days where Paul kept trying to get with him, and Matt's like, when Matt was waiting outside and they were laughing at him, Keith Morrison's going to find this very titillating. Yes. At D&D, Brooke talks to Amanda about hiring Alice in back. She's like, don't you think this is a mistake? And Amanda's like, what we did was down and dirty, and she needs to work. She has to keep herself busy because she's like blind and an alcoholic. And Brooke's like, why don't you just send her to the school for blind? She can crochet. Yeah. It was this little house. Yeah. She's bulking about this. She's pissed. She's like a little spoiled brat here. Yeah. And Amanda says, well, you're going to be splitting work with Alice in and she's going to get her old title back as senior ad exec. And she's and Brooke says, but I'm only a junior exec. And Amanda's like, I'm growing up a little. You should try it. Nothing worse than someone saying, grow up to you. Yeah. That's definitely not something you want to do in that moment. Yeah. Brooke's essentially getting demoted. I mean, I think Brooke has a right to be a little irritated because she did this whole diabolical plan to get rid of Alison at Amanda's request, and now Amanda's kind of bailing on that. Right. I don't know. It's kind of annoying. It is annoying. I just like seeing Brooke taken down a peg right now. I like any drama. I just think like in real life, if I was Brooke, I'd be like, what? Fuck you. No, if I was Brooke, I'd be like, don't you remember Mrs. Cookies? That was so funny that we did that. Let's think about the good times we had. Yeah. I mean, you could also, you could just wait your time because you know Amanda eventually is going to hate Alison again. Yeah. After like a week of working with her, she's going to go back to the same relationship. This has happened before where Alison's like, I'm sorry, Amanda's like, I'm going to do better. Right. Then it doesn't happen. And then she works with her for a week and hates her again. Yeah. Anyway, let's take a quick break here. We'll be right back. Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my hundredth mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, if unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month, how are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at midmobile.com/switch, whatever you're ready. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month, new customers on first three month plan only, taxes and fees extra, speeds lower above 40 gigabytes of CD tails. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At mid mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot. We charge you a little. So naturally, when they announced that they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right. We're cutting the price of mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at midmobile.com/switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month, new customers on first three month plan only, taxes and fees extra, speeds lower above 40 gigabytes of CD tails. I'm Mackenzie Hart, James being a real bitch still to her assistance. And she's like, this is, she's like, this is wrong. You need to make this, this, the sleeves, they're all wrong. She's really taken over the place. Like, and it doesn't seem like what's the same Richard wants her there, even, but why is she still there? I can't believe it's an fire in her. Yeah, because they're, they don't even, it seems like their relationship has cooled too. And he sort of actively like disgusted with her. Well, he said last episode, it was so funny, remember when he was like, I am so sick of you. Yeah. I'm just saying, like, this seems like he'd be like, you know what, you're fired. Honestly, if someone I was fucking said that to me, I would not want to fuck, I'm again, I don't know how you recover from that. I agree. Someone telling you they're so sick of you, I don't think I've had anyone ever say that to my face. They might have thought it or whatever, but like, yeah, I remember, I think. I would remember it and it would be like a deep shame of mine. Yes. That's somebody said that to me out loud. Even if I didn't like them, I would still hurt it would hurt you. Yeah, I mean, people who you don't like say things, you know, have said things before in the past, and you're like, I think this person's a dick, but it still stings a little. Yeah. Richard interrupts Jane barking orders about these design changes. And he's like, this is too radical. Something Jane's never heard about any of her designs. Yeah. Like, truly. Come on. She says, well, why don't you just go back into the antique clothing business, Richard? Maybe you can bring back the bell bottom. Now, I want to say something. This takes place in 95. The bell bottom did come back in 1996. So Jane clearly does not have her eyes and ears open. She's just like, first of all, wasn't this a hero of hers, Mackenzie Hart? Yeah. And now all she does is drag everything about her line. Yeah. She's like, it's funny, Duddy. It's like weird to me. It's like, well, why did you even want to work there? She's just now realizing that the logo for Mackenzie Hart looks like a children's dental office. Like, why did you even walk into that building? It's not like Mackenzie Hart, like I think she's like cool looking in an 80s soap opera way, but she's not particularly cutting edge at all. I just think it seems like a line that is probably very successful, but maybe isn't as high fashion as it once was, but more mass market, which is like fine, but why are you going there? Why are you going to radical, Jane? Do you think she's going to get in vogue with crushed velvet with her crushed velvet designs? Yeah. Jane should have like gotten an internship. She first of all, she shouldn't move to New York. Rachel can try and use to drag the LA fashion scene. It's just a fact, but the thing is Jane fits the LA fashion scene. I agree. But she thinks she's something else and it's like, we've never seen that from you. I'm just saying, look, the LA fashion scene has definitely changed and there are local designers here who are like, it's different than it was, but 30 years ago, it was like a joke. Like, they were all in New York. Right. It doesn't seem like Jane's ever even been in New York, like as a designer. That's wild. Yeah. Jane, what are you doing? I mean, I get if you want to be like, let's make LA a thing, but not with her stuff. Yeah. I don't know, like go get an internship at helmet laying or something. I don't even think they operate in New York. She seems like she's like worked for the two biggest designers in LA. Okay. Get an internship at Donna Karen. Yes. New York. I could picture her working for Donna Karen. I can picture that. That is like appropriate for Jane and in 1995, like there's some cache there. She could work at like a Tommy Hilfiger or whatever Ralph Lauren too, I think. I just think like she should have actually done DKNY, like when DKNY in like 93 or 94 started like really tapping into the like youth. Right. It could have been one of those designers who like youthed it up, but it's still kind of tame. Yeah. I mean, it's not like you're not reinventing the wheel. It's not like a Mark Jacobs, Perry Ellis collection where it's like really shaking things up and making people mad. I don't know. Jane's designs would ever make people mad. She could work for like a tasteful designer that adds a little more youthful flair. Yeah. She designs a mini backpack in a pattern leather and like a backwards hat. Oh my God. I could see that, but she's got to get out of LA if she's serious otherwise like get over it. This is as good as again. You're working at Mackenzie Hart. Yeah. It's going straight to Coles. You know what she honestly she should have she if she wants to stay in LA, what she should have done is become a celebrity stylist. Honestly, I agree because this is the era where like people are just kind of like she could have been like a pioneer celebrity stylist. Right. Cause she's like, she could be that one who's like, and she mixed vintage pieces in. She's like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like we're so blown away. I was like, okay. Yeah. She could have invented high-low fashion. Yeah. I agree. It's like the one who put Sharon Stone in the gap t-shirt. No, that's exactly what I was thinking. That seems like a Jane move. Yeah. I agree. She put Sharon Stone in the gap t-shirt at the Oscars. And she had like, like Jane should become known for her awards styling, her like unique award styling. Yeah. And she opens up one of those shops that has vintage high-end vintage people basically like borrow and rent out their shoots and stuff. Right. Like, yeah. I don't know. But she wants to be a designer. Well, she's in the wrong city. I agree. So where are we? Richard's had it. Well she has a huge ego. She has a huge, yeah, he's like your ego. And then he calls her designs inadequate. It's also, he's really good at being cutting. Because that's also, it's like inadequate. That's like worse than horrible. Right. Because it's boring. Because at least horrible, you could be like, well, that's a matter of opinion. And like, art is subjective. But inadequate is just like you're a loser. Yeah. There's nothing here to even say. Michael and Peter tour an office building. And Michael loves it. And the realtor is like, you guys are going to have to move quickly. Like you need to buy this now. Yeah. And Michael's like, come on, Peter, let's do it. And Peter tells Michael, he's like still thinking about Kimberly. He's like, does not even realize that they're touring an office building. He's just like, you know, Michael, it would be wise not to go through the divorce with Kimberly. Or something about Peter's word choices are so specific to Peter. Yeah. Because it's kind of like, highfalutin. Yeah. It would be wise, it would be wise if you did not do this, Michael. And then he goes, Peter, what is your deal with Kimberly? Exactly. And Peter's like, listen, you ungrateful little twit. Get off my back about Kimberly. Over the top? Yeah. I was like, I was like, the lulls and mensini, like he's in a lull phase. He's not really doing anything destructive right now. He's just kind of fighting his time to his next act. He doesn't have his marching orders right now. There's no one he's like fighting with really like fucking. Yeah. It's kind of like what we can't wait for the next thing, you know, so yeah. At the psych ward, Kimberly does a Rorsach test. And this, she has this court appointed doctor to conduct this test. And he holds up an ink block that looks like a butt plug. Do they do this for real or is this only a movie? I've been to a lot of shrinks in my life and I've never once taken a Rorsach test. It seems like it's just made for people to be smartasses to you know what I mean? It's a device used in film and television. Do they exist? Obviously, yes, they exist, but I feel like they were clearly more common like in another era. Yes. Because I'm just saying from like, no, in the shrinks I've been doing my life from the early 90s until now, I've never once taken one of these tests, although maybe it's only used for like extreme delusional kind of mental illnesses or something where you have visions or do you know what I mean? I don't know. I don't think so because in TV, if we're judging by TV, I have no idea. I'm sure it has a nice history we won't be able to get into right now. See, that's like, to me, that would have been like a fun test to do because I could be like, use your creative part of your brain, well, and if I was very young, like a teenager, then I definitely would have been the one like, it looks like your mom's getting fucked over. You know what I mean? Like be the mean teen who just does like rude things. Yeah. I went to this like psych eval when I was like a young alcoholic, druggie, when I was a teenager, I went to this like really fucking extensive evaluation process. And there were like all kinds of weird tests that I remember that they did that I, some of them were kind of fun because I'm like, well, what I don't even know what this does or what the purpose of it is, like there were definitely like pictures I had to look at and be like, what do you, what's your like emotional response when you see this picture? Yeah, that that time makes more sense. And there were definitely a lot of those tests like I feel like there'd be statements like I feel like I'm better than everyone else when I walk into a room of people. Does this, is this statement untrue? Is that true? A hundred percent true? Or do you think it's a fact and then you have to like circle in the bubbles? Yeah. Yeah. And there was definitely like flashcards with like pictures of families on them, I feel like. Yeah. No, I think I've seen those before or like the drawings where they'd make drawings and then they go over kind of like what you see here or years later, I found the file. Like it was like in a box of all my shit, like, and that got like delivered to me when I was an adult and I read the file for the first time and the lady who was administering the evaluation, like dragged me. Oh, shit. Well, it, and she, the thing that was the most embarrassing is she described how I looked, like my physical features. Oh my God. And she's wearing heavy eyeliner and like her hair is an unnatural color. Like she dragged my ass. That's crazy. I was like embarrassed even though it was like years later. No, I would, I would have been like fucking like, want to crawl up into a ball. It was like she has a pale face that looks like tired. It was like all these things where I was like humiliated, like me, like not even me, not even me at my lowest moment in my life, but me where it's like careening into that. And she's like dragging me. The dark eyeliner. The worst for me was like pale face. Oh my God. Like she hasn't gotten enough sleep, like there was like dark circles under her eye. It was just humiliating. Right. Especially it should be so young. Yeah. And I shouldn't have read that because like it definitely made me feel stupid, even though it was like when I was a totally different. And she's completely not even thinking about it anymore. No. Yeah. Like of course not. But I was like, no one can ever know this. So now I'm telling it on a podcast. Right. And do you feel? I'm taking the power out of that evaluation. So he holds up this ink plot that looks like a butt plug, and he's like, tell me what you see. And Kimberly clocks him. She's like, I see a depressed middle aged doctor with unexpressed homosexuality. Because she also knew it looked like a butt plug. Exactly. Um, he's of course like my wife says different, this is not a joke, then this doctor holds up another ink plot that looks like a dick and balls. The, the set designers are having fun. Yeah. This is an example of like when the art department, when the art department in Melrose place went rogue. Yeah. So, um, she's like, why don't you give me a pencil and all draw my own pictures and you can tell me what it means. And so he sharpens a pencil. And then she grabs it and stabs him through the hand like his hands on the desk. Yeah. And she stabs him. This is like a pet peeve of mine pet peeve in movies and TV. I don't like when things get hands get stabbed with pencils. It's like it happens. It happens a lot. I know. Why do they always do this? I don't want to see this. No, it's scary. It makes me like feel bad or I know, I know, I don't know what it is or when they shoot someone through the hand. I don't like any of it, but for some reason the pencil is the worst or like a pen or whatever. Like, I mean, obviously a knife is bad too, but there's something about it being a pencil that makes it worse to me. Or like, you know, when you were a kid and you'd accidentally stab yourself with a pencil and then your friend would be like, you're going to get lead poisoning, even though pencils are made from graphite now. Oh, right. But you'd have like that lead mark, the lead mark, but this guy's going to have that and worse. I don't like think about something going through all that stuff in your hand. It's gross. It's horrible. There's a lot of stuff happening in there. They're very delicate bones there. And like a lot of weird tendons, I don't want to think about it. So she stabs him and he screams and she's she's like once a real doctor and she after she stabs him, she escapes and then peers like waiting around. He's just loitering. He's working and he runs after her and she is running around in her yellow hospital gown. They always manage to find their way to the roof always. I was like, how do they do that so fast? I would be caught way before I figured out which stairs to take. I'd be caught walking up the stairs. I'm not going to be fast. They're like taking three at a time. I know. So she runs up to the roof and Peter goes up there with her and she's like, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum. And then the order leaves and the police arrive and she she walks up to the ledge and stands on it and she goes, you don't love me. And Peter's like, I do love you. I'm just like baffled why she thinks an insane asylum is so much worse than a prison. You're screwed either way, Kimberly. I feel like you might have a shot at something depending on the hospital. Honestly, if I was her, I would shoot for a minimum security prison, even though she's not going to get that with her crime that she did. That's exactly right. She's not going with Jen Shaw and Elizabeth Holmes. No, that's where I'd want to be. I'd be like, can you like, I will do as much time as you like, just send me to the minimum security prison with Jen Shaw where I can like make crafts. Yeah. And we can gossip, talk about Andy Cohen. Yeah. But you then play together because Jen Shaw apparently like put on a play at the prison. Exactly. That's what I want. I want to be with the like reality stars who've been arrested and the con artist women. Exactly. At least there you're going to get some tea. Yeah. But yeah, like I said, she's not, she doesn't have a chance in hell in going to that prison anyway. No. No. And the psych ward is going to be like a maximum security psych ward too. Right. I mean, I'm not saying either one is great. Yeah. I just, she, they need to come up with another angle for how to get out of this. I agree. That night at D&D, Billy Brook and Allison and Amanda are discussing their new campaign for Tiedware, which is a clothing company, and Brook says she likes Allison's idea, but Billy doesn't think it's a good idea. And Amanda's like, I want Allison to speak, but Allison needs to use the bathroom first, and she needs help going there. And Amanda makes Brooke take her and Brooke is in tears. Like she starts crying. She starts crying after Amanda's like, will you take Allison to the bathroom? And she's like, I just can't. And she runs out of the office. This is crazy. Brook should just be full psycho and go, sure. What an ungiverous whirly. No, just take her. I just feel like don't let them own you. You got to buck up in these situations. Yeah. She's showing her weakness and she's showing that she's a little bitch. So technically, Allison hasn't done anything to her outside of the shove and going to the wedding. I guess she did a few things. Yeah. But that's all Brooke did that to her and made her do that. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like Brooke orchestrated this whole fucking thing prior to that. Brook destroyed Allison's career for purely malicious reasons. I just think in this situation, Brooke just has to suck it up. If you're going to play these games, you can't let the victim of your antics then rule over you. Yeah. She needs lessons from Kimberly. Yeah. But that's too little, too late now. Even Amanda. Yeah. Amanda's a professional at this. So Amanda follows Brooke out into the hallway. And she's like, go apologize to Allison. And Brooke's like, I quit. I do respect quitting though, I have to say. She'd rather quit than take Allison to the bathroom. That's like high comedy. Yeah. She's like, I quit. And then she says to Amanda, besides I'm coming into a lot of money very soon. That's where she went too far. You don't tell someone that. No. Just say you quit. Don't even do it crying. Be like, you know what? I'm not here to be. Just be a bigger bitch to be like her like fucking like seeing I dog. She like should have told Amanda, I came here to D&D for one reason and one reason only to take down this woman who I had no idea existed until she submitted herself for the D&D award that you wanted, that you wanted, I've, I, I came here for that. Yeah. So she's looking forward to that money. I mean, that is usually what people do, right? They get some money. They don't have to worry about their jobs, which is a good feeling. Yeah. Cut to the will hearing. So we're inside this Pasadena mansion and Billie shows up and Brooke is like shocked and nervous that Billie showed up to this reading of the will. The dad is rotten. He's so, like why did he do this? He's rotted for this. He, he, um, Brooke tries to like make it seem like, oh, we're just, this is just boring. You don't have to be here. It's boring family business and Haley's like, no, no, Billy. Take a seat. I want you to hear all of this. So the estate lawyer starts explaining the will and says that Brooke, now that she's married, she'll be getting yearly payments over the next 10 years and the first payment comes due upon her marriage. And then Billy's like, well, why didn't you tell me about this? And then the lawyer gives Brooke her first check and she reads it and she shocked because it's only $10,000. And that's an annual check. Why not just give her a hundred grand? Why are you giving her 10 grand a year? Because her mom was a bitch. This is really crazy to me. Yeah. Um, so Brooke is panicking and Haley says that money was never intended as a dowry. And Billy storms out because he realizes that like she, he's been duped. Yeah. He's been duped. She's got, she wanted to marry him because she got her inheritance and her inheritance isn't even big. So that like it can't smooth things over. No, she looks extra stupid. Um, Brooke is mad at Haley and she's like, why are you trying to destroy my happiness? And he says marriage is based on trust. As far as Billy's concerned, he simply can't trust you. At Richard's house, he's sitting in his weird beige living room. This house is so ugly. It's hideous. And Jane shows up and she's like, I care about you, Richard. And then he apologizes and he explains like how deep his relationship with Mackenzie was. That they met when he was in college and they always remained close. And then Jane's like, it's not your fault that Kimberly killed Mackenzie. And they hug and make up. Night at Shooters, Matt and Joe are talking by the pool table and he's freaking out about his case. And Joe's like, I've been there. I wish I listened to my lawyer. And she said, I might still have my baby, Joe. Then she spots Jake seemingly flirting with Amanda at the bar and Jake is drunk. He's having a good old time and he's like wearing a cap. This is such a weird Jake. I don't think we've seen this Jake before because he's dressed like an old man with his stupid haircut. He's got his hat on and then he has a cane. Oh, right, because he still has the cane. He just does not look like Jake. And Amanda tells Jake, maybe you should slow down because he's pounding the boots. I like that Amanda's there. Yeah, like as if Amanda would ever want to hang out at Shooters. No. Jane is at the bar with Brooke and Billy. If I was Alice and I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing hanging out with these two? It's like the whole cast. Yeah. And Jane says to Brooke, if you're interested, I can get you wholesale at Mackenzie Hart. And Brooke says, oh, that's great. I love a bargain. And Billy says, yeah, Brooke's really watching her pennies these days. And then he walks off, Michael enters and talks to Matt and Joe. And Sydney is trying to sneak out of the bar at this point. And Jake grabs her and he's like, where do you think you're going? Why do you stay here and have a drink with me? And she's like, no. And she's like, I'm not going to help you self-destruct Jake. And then he goes, you're fired in front of the whole bar. And she says, too late. I quit. Also, he's not doing anything that bad. He's just like getting drunk because his brother died. I mean, she's like self-destruct. I mean, come on, Sydney, this has been like one episode where he's drunk. I know. It's like she it's like, who are you to talk? Yeah. And then Jake saunters over to Joe and he's like, come on, Joe, this is our song. And she's like, Jake, I don't want to dance with you while you're drunk. And he won't let go of her. And then Matt shoots into action. Matt grabs Jake and he's like, stay the hell away from her. And then Jake pushes Matt and says, back off. And then, oh, this is where Matt does the double punch. And he punches Matt punches Jake in the face. This is the third time or the second time he's punched someone, like a different person. Right. In two days. And Michael leaps up. He's like, whoa, whoa. And then Matt punches Jake for a second time. This is so uncalled for. Yeah, I think. And then Michael has to restrain Matt. And then Joe follows Jake into his office. And he's a wreck. And he's like, I killed my brother. The next day Michael and Peter are in their new office. So I guess they bought this and like semi furnished it in like a day. And they're interviewing hot receptionists. Like of course, Michael's like, she's got a big boobs, yeah, blonde hair. You know, Michael, he like called in women from like a modeling agency. Yeah. Not from like a secretary agency. And like the modeling agency was like for beer commercials. But they're like the girls who go to car shows. Yeah. Yeah. That's where he got these bods. Peter walks in and dismisses all of the girls saying the position has been filled. And Michael's like, what the hell? And he's like, we need to hire someone neither of us will be attracted to. We can't be distracted right now deranged. And that's when Peter leaves and Sydney enters. And Michael's like, what are you doing here, Sid? And then he gets a bright idea is like, wait a minute. Hey, Sid, how would you feel working for Peter and me? Why does he do this? Cause he's not attracted to her. I guess, but she doesn't like her either. I just wonder if there's a scheme here that I don't know about. I'm sure, I'm sure he was like, well, there's anyone that will be fine witnessing me and Peter's shady dealings. That's true. That's true. Sydney, Sydney's someone we can count on. We don't want to fuck her and she'll be fine with shade, shady things. Yeah. So at D&D, Billy had talked to Amanda earlier, we find out he talked to Amanda begging to let Brooke apologize and get her job back. And Brooke is like, you were right, Amanda, I let my personal life get involved. I'm so sorry. And I would do anything if you could hire me back. And Amanda's like, you can come back to the agency, but not as an executive. You can come back as Allison's assistant. And she has to smile through it. Yeah. At the hospital, the court order doctor has like a bandage on his hand now and he's telling Dr. Hobbs that Kimberly is competent to stand trial. And Peter's like, on what do you base your opinion? And he's like, she's sadistic. The insanity defense is always so baffling to me. Do you know what I mean? Like how they decide? Yeah, I mean, you have to like be rigorously tested by like doctors, but also it's a very specific definition of what insanity means. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like, Kimberly is insane. She does have mental problems, but I don't think she should be like let out on the streets. Like there's obviously a stuff to deal with here, but it's just like, I don't know. I do think Kimberly can be rehabilitated or I don't know. There's the possibility of that, but she also committed like multiple serious crimes. I guess it's the standing trial. And can they commit her if she's not proven guilty of something, do you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, I don't know how they wouldn't prove she did that. That's pretty clear. It can happen. It could happen. So then they accuse Peter, the doctors are like, why are you in love with Kimberly? And then we find out that Dr. Hobbs first name is Calvin. That was wild of them. Why'd they do that? Why'd they name him Calvin Hob? They couldn't think of anything. Yeah. Peter is like, we need to give Kimberly a new test to prove she's insane. One that proves she's insane. Yeah, we want her to be doing tests until it works. Right. And that night at Melrose, Jake is knocking at Joe's door and he apologizes to her for last night that he says, I need you, Joe. And she's like, I need you too. At Jane's, Billy brings food to Alison. And then he hears a crash and her scream and he rushes to get her. She's fallen in the shower. I can't get up. Yeah. Yeah, exactly that. And she's like tangled up in the shower curtain, which is like on the floor. No, this is all so weird. Yeah. And she's like wet and naked and Billy picks her up and she's wrapped up in the curtain. And they have this like intimate moment where they're staring into each other's eyes. And he's like, Billy definitely looks down on her boobs. Right. Cause he's like the type of guy who's like, I had to kind of resist. She couldn't see anyway, no arm. But he definitely, like he looks down and he kind of gets his like dopey look on his face. Yeah. It's so, it's kind of creepy. Then Jane comes home and they have to like break their embrace. And Jane dunks on Billy. She's like, Billy, why did you bring Chinese? It's so fattening. Oh, shut up, Jane. You don't have to eat it. I wanted my mixed green salad from Earth Cafe. Go eat your, what's, remember that Melba toast? Yeah. The dry crackers. Alison is smiling. And she tells Jane, guess it's been a while since Billy's seen me naked. And Jane's like, Alison, you're so bad. They love it. It's funny how all these roommate situations are bringing back Melrose places, little sitcom-y kind of vibes. Yeah. Yeah. At Brooks house, she goes into her dad's office and she says, Billy's forgiven me. Will you forgive me, daddy? And he says, of course. And then they drink brandy together. And she tells him that she's now working for Alison and she's trying to be mature about it. And he's like, I always really like Dallason. And Brooke says, well, she's still in love with my husband. And then she says, daddy, can I have a loan? And he says, sure. And she's like, I just have to get away from Alison. And so he writes her a check for $100,000. And she says, I'm going to get a separate checking account and put this money in there and Billy won't know. And Haley yanks the check back and he says, there is one condition. You don't get this check until you file for divorce. Wow. I mean, what does he care, do you know what I mean? They do have a weird relationship because Billy is not a bad guy and the marriage has happened already. So at this point, who gives a shit? She could do much worse than Billy Campbell. I agree. I'd also love to know what Brooke is spending so much money on because we don't really see her shopping or anything or spending a ton of money. Yeah. I just would love to know why she's like, I need money, like 100 grand. She just needs to have that in the bank to feel secure and to know that she can spend it. Yeah. Cause she's kind of like the rich girl dating a poor guy where they're like, I love the simple life than the apartment. Like it's so fun, but she, but she could bail herself out at any moment. Yeah. It's not real. Yeah. She used to be able to have that security where she could like, if they get in a fight, she could jet off to Tahiti or like go shopping to make herself feel better. Yeah. I just would love to see Brooke spending money. She goes to Frederick Fakai. She likes to get a really expensive haircut and blow out even though, yeah, she gets a super expensive haircut, even though her haircut's pretty basic. Yeah. It's still like a $400 haircut. Yeah. But it's true. It's like, and I get blowouts every three days. Yeah. She absolutely gets a fresh blowout every three days. Oh my God. So that's the episode. What's Brooke going to do? Is she going to file for divorce from Billy? We'll find out. We will. See you next week. Yeah. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. in the next week. [BLANK_AUDIO]

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