This American Life - 237: Regime Change

Broadcast on: 18 Apr 2003

It's American Life from W.B. E.C. Chicago, distributed by Public Radio International. A couple weeks ago, one of the producers of our show, our senior producer, Julie Snyder, was out with a bunch of friends. And they ended up in a conversation where they stumbled on this thing that had happened to all of them, that they never realized how universal it was. For all of them, back when they were kids, back in the '80s, the parents got divorced, and then remarried. And they all agreed the remarriage was way harder than the divorce. Divorce had come out enough, and there had been enough literature about the whole thing, and enough books about everything that was like, here's how to talk to your kids about divorce. And I mean, so much so that we all even had the exact, I mean, everyone had the same vocabulary about it, number one being it's not your fault, and number two being that, you know, we love you more than anything. You know, Mommy and Daddy still love you, and you're the most important thing. And so, it was like- Yeah, yeah, we know you love us, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, I remember even, you know, I got told so many times that it's not your fault, that it just started freaking me out after a while. I started thinking, like, you know, never even occurred to me that this was my fault. I started being told so much. I started thinking, like, really? Maybe this is my fault.

And in comparison, when the new husband, the new wife showed up, there hadn't been books about that, you know, people didn't know what to do with that. Apparently, there were not books about that, because we were all definitely the guinea pigs for the remarriages. And it was sort of like chaos. Everyone sort of had different stories, and that we're just remarkable to tell. I mean, how- I mean, I understand that it's a really difficult thing to go through, and I mean, all of us have a lot of sympathy for our parents in this situation, and that they were trying to figure it out as they went along. But, I mean, the mistakes that were made were so egregious in some situations, you know? Like, for example, like one of the girls said that her dad's secretary, all of a sudden one morning, she woke up and came into the kitchen and saw her dad's secretary standing there. And then she called her, I don't, you know, Mrs. Smith, as she always referred to her, and then the woman said to her, "No, now you call me Mommy." Sure, I guess so. I tend to call random women standing at the kitchen sink in the morning, Mommy. Mommy, the name that carries more meaning than anything for a child. I will grant you that name. Congratulations. Yeah, this is not traumatizing for me whatsoever. How long after the parents were remarried, how long did people say that it took before the new person seemed like something other than an invading army? I actually think that for a lot of people, it took for them, it took for them going away, moving out of the house. So it could be like a decade. It could be like, go to it until they were done growing up. Sure, yeah, probably until they're about 18. They never really accepted in their hearts, like, this is our new family, like this is the new person and our family. I don't think so. I don't think fully. I mean, there's a level of where, I mean, obviously you accept reality, but when you're sort of being occupied, it's pretty hard to understand that they want love for you or that they feel love for you. It's a lot about just trying to get used to their relationship with your parent. It's very hard to figure out where you are in the priority list. Right, of course, because one of the things that they are is not just your new parent, but they're basically a competitor for your other parent. In the most literal way. For time and affection and energy and for being a priority and everything, you really are competing. It's not the divorce that kills you. It's the remarriage, just like it's not the war that's so difficult sometimes. It's the reconstruction after. Trying to build something new, trying to put a new regime in place. Even if the over regime wasn't so great, new people are jocking for power. It's unclear who gets what, who'll get their way on a thousand little issues. It's hard even if everybody wants it to go well. Was your stepdad the kind of person who launched a hearts and minds campaign to win you all over and be super sweet to you and do stuff with you and all that? Yeah, he did launch a whole campaign. One of the things he did, which we all really enjoyed, was that he got us HBO and he did away

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