This American Life - 95: Monogamy

Broadcast on: 06 Mar 1998

Yes, yes, yes. Like you. I have heard everything I ever care to hear for the rest of my life about President Clinton in his marriage But you know there was a brief moment at the very beginning of the Monica Lewinsky scandal When the public discussion included not only the questions of impeachment and lying and is it about sex or isn't it about sex all that stuff? But also questions about marriage About how bad it is how common it is for people to be unfaithful to their spouses And it wasn't just the Lewinsky scandal that made that happen Around the time the Lewinsky story broke Roy Romer the governor of Colorado the head of the Democratic Party Publicly declared that for 16 years. He'd had a relationship outside his marriage with an aide named BJ Thornberry He told the press that his wife and family knew about the relationship and that they accepted it And he argued in his press conference that it might be helpful if we would talk about what really happens in marriages Long-term marriages instead of what we usually pretend B&I have been married 45 years. Is that right? 45 and It's a very strong relationship solid In the course of 45 years in many marriages in this country different attitudes developed in a marriage About 50% of them end up in divorce. They can't work it out But in those who remain married there still are times in which there are different feelings and different relationships All families I think have these kinds of problems from time to time they handle them differently The all of you listen carefully all of you listen carefully I'm trying to live out a life based upon what I truly believe and truly value now oftentimes The societal norms don't fully accommodate the way I see it. I have to work that out. I'm trying to say I

Have conducted myself to my wife for my children and to DJ in a way which I Tried to be very honest and open and true to what I felt and believe Here is the window of discussion that's being opened up right now in our country Came up with Roy Romer came up with Bill Clinton before him and it has to do with monogamy How to think about it? In a magazine called critical inquiry a Northwestern University professor named Laura Kipness makes the case that there are a lot of Marriages where people are simply unhappy and these people are like workers who are alienated from their jobs numb going nowhere You know we're told these days that we're supposed to work at marriage the way that we're supposed to work at a job And so you work your job and you work at home And what do you get? And for these people and unfulfilling marriages, she says having an affair is like a wildcat strike It's an action a civil action a small attempt At altering the business as usual of their own lives All the norms that people feel are the ones that you have to subscribe to and live up to Don't work for a lot of people and I think that's what's so interesting about politician adultery is that Everybody's very moral punitive about it or you know That's kind of the the usual way of talking about it But nobody really talks about well Why are these guys risking their careers and having these affairs and you know

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