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Hidden Brain

It's Not My Fault!

It's not easy for most of us to receive negative feedback. Even when the person delivering that feedback is constructive and reasonable, we often feel the urge to defend ourselves. This week, we look at the psychology of defensiveness with neuroscientist Emily Falk. We'll explore what causes so many of us to resist constructive criticism, and how we can get better at giving and receiving such feedback. Then, in the latest installment of our ongoing series "Your Questions Answered," psychologist Ciara Greene returns to the show to answer your questions about memory and forgetfulness.
Duration
1h 26m
Broadcast on
15 Sep 2025
Audio Format
other

It's not easy for most of us to receive negative feedback. Even when the person delivering that feedback is constructive and reasonable, we often feel the urge to defend ourselves. This week, we look at the psychology of defensiveness with neuroscientist Emily Falk. We'll explore what causes so many of us to resist constructive criticism, and how we can get better at giving and receiving such feedback. Then, in the latest installment of our ongoing series "Your Questions Answered," psychologist Ciara Greene returns to the show to answer your questions about memory and forgetfulness.

If you have follow-up questions or thoughts for Emily Falk after listening to today’s conversation, and you’d be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “mental barriers.” Thanks! 

Our next stops on the Hidden Brain tour are coming up! Join us in Baltimore on October 11, Washington, D.C. on October 12, or Los Angeles on November 22. And stay tuned for more cities to be added for 2026. For more info and tickets, go to https://hiddenbrain.org/tour. 

 


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This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. Have you ever noticed, when you offer a friend or a colleague or a partner a suggestion for improvement, they often experience a nudge to defend themselves? Rather than listen to how they might change or do something better, they try to preserve the status quo. Like generals fighting a war, they try to protect every square inch of the person they are, instead of embracing the person they might become. In our episode last week, winning the battle against yourself, we looked at how we often fail to make changes in our lives, because our best intentions are at odds with what scientists call the value system in the brain. This brain network tends to prioritize the here and now, and nudges us toward immediate gratifications instead of long-term benefits. If you missed that episode, I'd urge you to go back and listen to it in this podcast feed. Today we look at one of the most powerful reasons we fail to make changes in our lives. Very often, the people around us can see what we need to do differently, or better. But when they tell us, when they offer us feedback, or, heaven forbid, criticism, we respond with anger, with denial, with defensiveness. This is a paradox because many of us also believe we want to live lives of continuous improvement. What better way to improve than to listen to suggestions for improvement? What causes so many of us to feel defensive? How can we listen better to feedback and offer feedback in a manner that will be heard? Overcoming defensiveness as a way to improving our lives, this week, on Hidden Brain. Working as a dedicated fidelity advisor, I always ask, "What's important to you?" I'll look at those priorities and goals alongside your full financial picture to build a comprehensive plan designed to help grow and protect your wealth. With proactive portfolio insights and an eye on taxes, I'm here to help you make the most of your money. I'm Laura Maxwell, and I'm a dedicated fidelity advisor. Learn more at fidelity.com/wealth. Investment minimums apply Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC, Member NYSE, SIPC. Support for Hidden Brain comes from Pacific Life Insurance. You make promises throughout your life. For nearly 160 years, Pacific Life has been helping you keep them by protecting those who matter most. Pacific Life, the power of a promise. Ask a financial professional how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Inuity, Phoenix, Arizona. First, pop on her helmet, safety first. Then attach the push stick and give her bike a push. And watch Peppa Paddle. Her legs go round and round as the wheels turn. With more than 75 sounds and phrases, every ride is a big adventure. Peppa Pig Ready Paddle Go, available at all major retailers now. We've all been there. Someone pipes up at a work meeting to ask why we were late. Or a partner tells us we need to do a better job cleaning up after ourselves.

Transcription truncated.

It's not easy for most of us to receive negative feedback. Even when the person delivering that feedback is constructive and reasonable, we often feel the urge to defend ourselves. This week, we look at the psychology of defensiveness with neuroscientist Emily Falk. We'll explore what causes so many of us to resist constructive criticism, and how we can get better at giving and receiving such feedback. Then, in the latest installment of our ongoing series "Your Questions Answered," psychologist Ciara Greene returns to the show to answer your questions about memory and forgetfulness.