First Person with Wayne Shepherd

First Person: CIndi Ferrini

The mother of a son with cerebral palsy and other special needs, Cindi Ferrini tells of her family's "Unexpected Journey". Send your support for FIRST PERSON to the Far East Broadcasting Company: FEBC National Processing Center Far East Broadcasting Company P.O. Box 6020 Albert Lea, MN 56007 Please mention FIRST PERSON when you give. Thank you!

Duration:: 23m
Broadcast on:: 28 Apr 2011
Audio Format:: other

The mother of a son with cerebral palsy and other special needs, Cindi Ferrini tells of her family's "Unexpected Journey".

Send your support for FIRST PERSON to the Far East Broadcasting Company:
FEBC National Processing Center
Far East Broadcasting Company
P.O. Box 6020
Albert Lea, MN 56007

Please mention FIRST PERSON when you give. Thank you!

In the early years, if God would have come to me and said, would you like me to heal Joey? I would have said yes in a minute, but if he were to come to me today and ask that same question Knowing what I've learned and how I've grown I would absolutely say keep him just as he is Thanks for joining us. This is first person a weekly one-on-one conversation with a guest who has their own unique story to tell I'm Wayne Shepard our guest today is the mom of a young man now an adult who has cerebral palsy and other special needs Cindy your husband Joe and their whole family have committed themselves wholeheartedly to Joey's care loving him deeply and you'll hear about their Unexpected journey today on first person Just before introducing today's guest though. Let me remind you that there's always additional information about the guests you hear on first person at our website first person interview calm for instance today's guest has written a book about dealing with family members with special needs and You can find out more about unexpected journey at first person interview calm There's also an audio archive of past interviews online at first person interview calm Well, if you or someone you love lives life with a disability, you know both the struggles and the joys Cindy Farini knows it well, and we talked about her son Joey and his special needs Joey was when he was born. I had a difficult delivery. Although we're not really sure that that was what played the full part of his disabilities, but he has cerebral palsy and For him that means that he has very low muscle tone and so when he was born He was just very loose. He could not sit up for a long time Couldn't roll over He was able to move his arms and legs But it's not the real tight kind that you might think of when you think of a person in a wheelchair that You know their arms are flailing and things like that. He has quite good control over over his limbs when he was little he was just very limp And so it took him a long time Through physical therapy occupational therapy and a lot of the work that we did with him learning the things that we did to those therapies We learned How to strengthen those muscles and really how to train his brain to be able to do those things in addition He has epilepsy which at this point in his life. He is under control with medication, and that's that's a huge a huge step forward as many people whose children have epilepsy know that it's it can really Interrupt life quite a bit when when someone has that and it can't be controlled He also has a number of severe allergies the most important one is peanuts and he can't be around them But then in addition to that he is mentally retarded, which you know the name Brand for that changes Every so many years, but I think your listeners would probably resonate with with what that means more than anything else he is probably in some ways and a three-year-old in terms of sometimes his behavior but in terms of being able to do things he he works, but he's under supervision because he would He wouldn't be able to stay on task. He probably would Would leave with anyone who asked him to leave he he needs someone there to help him and then I think the the last thing is to just that he He just needs to have someone there with him to sort of guide him to the next step He's very distractible Take me back to nearly 30 years ago when he was born. Did you know immediately of his special needs? Well, we didn't not when he was first born, but Before he was born in the last trimester. I remember one of my students. I taught high school home economics and I was teaching a unit on family and we were talking about abortion and as a Christian I was able to really share my opinion when the students asked and I was sharing how I would never have an abortion even if I thought that there might be something wrong with my child and one of my students raised her hand and she said Mrs. Ferene tell me you wouldn't have an abortion if you knew there was something wrong with that baby and I said I don't think that I would I said I feel that this child is going to be special for a special reason and I wouldn't want to change that and as I said that I really sensed that God was telling me to be careful how you answer because there is something that's wrong and You know when we think we hear from the Lord that way we Maybe push it aside and we think oh, that was just me thinking that but when he was born he was a very difficult delivery, which I Don't really probably need to go into all the details, but I I did wind up having a c-section and his head was Was misshapen and it was kind of elongated other than that. He was absolutely a perfect baby He had no birthmarks. He had no red marks. He was really a beautiful baby and Yet if you looked at him from the side his head was quite elongated and you know We jokingly lovingly called him our little cone head and Yet that shape which usually when children's heads are misshapen at birth It soon goes into a more normal shape and that never happened with him So we don't really know that was how his head was or if there was some damage there at birth because it was such a difficult delivery But we did not know it first and when we brought him home. He did everything that a normal baby does So I would say the first three months We had absolutely no idea that anything was wrong Cindy tell me about your family's decision to stick by this son even with all the extras that come along with him All the extra care all the the the change in family life. Was it a hard decision to make? I? Don't think that was probably ever even something that we thought we had to decide truthfully we had You know, you love your child and that child is born and there's always something about that that you can't quite You can't quite comprehend how you love that child and then when a second one comes along you think Oh, I could never love that second child like the first that child is born and you love that child just as much as the first one It just gave us such a great picture of God's unconditional love for each one of us And I think that's what it was it was just unconditional love for Joey We just loved him and we because we loved him We wanted the best for him and because we wanted the best for him We got him as much help as we could though that took an awful lot of time and a lot of efforts and Really it did become my full-time job, but we had Two sets of wonderful parents who loved and embraced Joey and then down the road We had two daughters who now as they're grown once almost 27 ones in college a junior in college and They are probably two of the loveliest young ladies that I know and I really attribute that to all of us having to have some type of input into Joey's life and care and investment into Joey's life and Really without all those people around us. I don't know how he would have made it because There is a factor that you do feel very alone a lot of times people won't invite you to their home Won't invite you places because of the way a special child might act or the noises they might make so We had family all around us. I have a sister who's single who cares for Joey when we speak for family life and He he's cared for he's been loved and so that that whole issue of what would we do with him? Or how would things be with him really was never a factor and we just we just purposed to love him like we would any other children that guy would bring us but at the same time as you look to the future you must have had questions and and I mean between you and your husband and later your daughters who came along you had to be thinking about the future for for Joey you know the Lord had the way of Weaving into your own story Before you even maybe expect for it to happen ways that he'll prepare for the future One thing I can say is that Joey has had wonderful teachers AIDS bus drivers. You name it. He had a wonderful Education to the public school system He just really never had I never felt like he was disadvantaged He had so many advantages which was was a wonderful thing But when my one daughter my older of up the two daughters when she was about 12 we had a conversation around the table one night and she was asking about a couple that was in our life who was They were going through a divorce and it was a very difficult time when we didn't share any details with children about their divorce But I could see that the children were wondering just what happens if mom and dad die someday and We began just really evaluating that question and Christina the older of the two She said to me mom. I just want you to know. I would take care of Joey someday Now, I don't know about you, but at 12 years old I can hardly even imagine that I would have been thinking anything like she was responding and I looked at her and I said now honey that is great that you think that way and I'm I think the Lord that you think that way, but I just want you to know that You don't have to worry about that. That's mom and dad's Responsibility and we will see what the future brings because we don't know if you'll marry a man that would want to have Joey And we'll we'll see what the future brings and just as seriously as you can imagine she looked at me And she said well, then why would I marry someone if they didn't want Joey to and I just thought that is amazing And it she's almost 27 that that has never changed she's married a man who loves Joey Joey calls her husband my buddy and So we we look sometimes when we're young and we're going through different things and we can really let the future Make us afraid and be fearful of it But when I look back now as a mother of a son who's nearly 30 I see all the wonderful people in his life who have cared for him And when I say in my absence I just mean as it as it as a mom at home in my child's at school in my absence Those teachers took great care of him and the therapists that they provided for him to learn to get to the next step Which I would never have known how to do that But certainly could be a part of that when they would teach me what to do and then to know that the daughters that we had both of them are very much willing to be a part of Joey's life and help him when when we're gone and I think when younger people really fret about those kinds of things I'm personally thankful that I can give them that kind of hope because Someone will be there for these special needs people and there's just so many wonderful people whether it's in the church or in the community And we just need to get connected and be sure that we're heading headed in a direction that we know is the right thing for our child Cindy I don't hear any regret in you telling the story of raising Joey There is no regret I think if in the early years if God would have come to me and said would you like me to heal Joey? I would have said yes in a minute But if he were to come to me today and ask that same question Knowing what I've learned and how I've grown I would absolutely say keep him just as he is We'll talk more with Cindy Farini in just a few moments about her unexpected journey here on first person Next week a young man has his life totally redirected by God when I went to this time of brokenness and understanding who God was My entire world changed and I realized that wasn't my world It was his world and it was a privilege to be a part of that and that every decision needed to start with him and stay at his feet And in there God took Ralph Bordeaux from a great corporate job here in America to rescuing children from the sex trade And his homeland of India hear the story next week here on First Person Let's continue our conversation now with Cindy Farini Cindy's husband Joe is not with us today But together they are in lockstep as a couple taking care of their young adult son named Joey And I asked Cindy if there wasn't some pressure on their marriage as a result of that Well with the divorce rate of something between 80 and 85 percent That we we hear through different statistics that are shown in marriages that have a special needs child I think we've beat the odds and I think we've done that in in a couple of different ways The first is that we have always thought after the Lord Visually and together as a married couple. We pray together. We go to church together We spend time in the word together Probably for us the most wonderful thing is that we do minister together and we do speak to families on marriage And so we have to be a good example, don't we? But I would say that there have been pressures and I think those pressures for us have been really Taken care of in that the Lord has put us together in a unique way as I think he does in every marriage But in the care of a special needs child we had to learn the dance. That's what we call it We had to learn the dance what worked for us, you know, there's times when Joey would be up all night long having seizures and my husband would have to work the next day and I would make it my my purpose that I would be the one to stay up with him and care for him and then at other times there would be something that Joe would do and When we were married first married our vow really to each other was that we would never speak the word divorce And that's a good thing because you know, there are times in any marriage even a good marriage where you would say Divorce can come to the tip of your tongue when you're you just know you're having some really bad times and now being married Almost 32 years. We look back and we just are so thankful because there's somebody reward this side of all that hard work That may get just such a pleasure to be able to still be able to hold each other's hand and say, you know, we did it You know, I know your family well enough to know that there are good times lots of fun times as well with Joey And I wonder if you don't have a story or two to tell of just what life is like living with this young man today that Kind of brings some levity in the midst of of all that you go through Yes, well, you know, he one thing I think that's great about Joey is he has a great sense of humor and He loves sports his verbal skills are pretty low So he's he's not able to say a lot that people would understand But we pretty much get what he's saying so we we feel like we're his his interpreter We don't know what the language is that he speaks, but we get it so we're his interpreter and He just he just has a great sense of humor if he's watching something on television that is funny He gets it. He doesn't just laugh because someone's laughing. I think he does get it One thing that I just thought would think is sort of cute and people if they're not from our area won't know this But I'll give a little explanation. We have a store in our area It's a furniture store and it's called fish furniture store and Joey had seen on a billboard one time fish furniture and he looked at me and just started laughing and then he went fish furniture and You know, I never thought of it that way. I never thought of it that fish would have furniture But he just twisted that to be sort of fun. It's entirely appropriate You'd look at it that way when you stop and think about it Absolutely, it was great and there were other there's other many wonderful things I do remember one time giving Joey a bath and he was getting pretty big at the time probably 12 or 13 He really doesn't like baths and showers. So it was really hard to get him to get into liking a shower So at the time he was maybe 12 or 13 kind of big and you know He was fine in the tub by himself And he you know even at that age would play with toys and things like that So I left the room for a minute and I went downstairs and all of a sudden I hear this kind of squeak squeak squeak squeak And I'm like, I wonder what's going on so I went upstairs and here he had begun making a wave Going back and forth back and forth. There was water everywhere It wound up finally going through the ceiling through one of our lights. It was in the kitchen later But when I went upstairs, I go, what are you doing? And he said, I'm free willy And there just was water everywhere. You can't get mad at that It was just certainly innocent. He was having fun and he had that momentum going and and he was having a blast That's great. And you need those moments, don't you? Oh, you need those moments And you know what it would be so easy to take that moment that I just shared with you and say What are you doing? You just made a mess But instead we tried to make light of it and just really enjoy that moment. You learn those things. That's part of the dance Give some advice to others who are dealing with young adults who have these special needs You've you've got this young man living with you You don't know what the future holds and you're committed so much as a family to him But give some advice to others and from the base on the lessons that you've learned Well, I would say for parents especially for those who are reaching the empty nest like like we are and You realize that you aren't going to have the empty nest to really begin to see how that might work for you And we're still in that process. We have a daughter in college, but she will be With us still back and forth for a little bit But for all intents and purposes we do have an empty nest and sometimes that's hard because we have friends who'll call and say Would you like to go to dinner and we can't unless it's just nearby where we can leave Joey home? Maybe for an hour and a half. We've taught him how to do the speed dial on the phone and he can call us We can't just pick up and go we can't go for the weekend Everything that we do if we want to do as a couple we have to plan it like you have a two-year-old and you're packing them up with their their medicines and their Close and things like that, and it's not that part's not easy So my my thinking is that instead of thinking Wouldn't it be nice if we could take a two-week vacation alone now that we have an empty nest The thinking has to be wouldn't it be nice if we could go for a one-hour cup of coffee someplace Wouldn't it be nice to maybe be able to go out to dinner or maybe somewhere overnight? but not to Europe for two weeks our thinking has to be totally different and For me that's difficult I Think I've always looked at my husband as well to this part of our life to be able to do certain things and Simply we just can't unless someone is there to take care of our son and there's very few people that Desire to do that for one thing and then when a child adult child doesn't speak very well You really at least I personally feel like I can't just leave him with anyone because I want him to be able to tell me if something's not Right here, and I'm not comfortable with that. So we have to we have to go where we're comfortable we have to find options that work for us and We have to work at it it takes work and Joe and I are willing to put in that work but if we don't put in that work, then we're going to suffer as a couple and Again, as I said earlier, we have to learn what dance works for us But we have to take those steps and if we don't probably no one's going to knock at our door and say perhaps you'd like for me to help You do something we need to seek that out and you know We we actually have had a number of people after having written our book and people having read it that We know personally have said to us. I had no idea how difficult it was to raise someone like Joey because you made it look So easy and it isn't that we made it look easy. It was just that out of love We did what was right and what we knew we had to do and so if that if that made it look easy I'm glad I'm glad that it did but those people who some who have read the book have said if you ever need us Let us know and you can't imagine what that means to a parent Of a special needs child to know that there's people that they could call on if they needed to Send to your book is titled unexpected journey. The journey has been unexpected in many ways, but certainly not unwelcomed for you has it well, I don't think anyone goes into having children thinking that That child will have a special needs and I don't know of anyone who has ever said Oh, I hope my child has special needs. I want to care for a child that can't do anything But you know when you have that child and people say would you like a boy or a girl and you say? Oh, it doesn't really matter as long as it's healthy I remember when I had was pregnant with Joey and people would say oh as long as it's healthy And I would say well, you know what even if it's not and that is really true even if your child is not healthy You will love that child Even though it's not easy. It is a welcomed blessing. Sometimes we don't quite get it as Early on maybe if we should and if if I had anyone regret that might be my one regret that I Didn't recognize earlier the great Joy that Joey is in the midst of the great challenges that he is Cindy and Joe Farini wrote their book to tell more of their family Story and to encourage others who live with those with special needs the book unexpected journey Subtitled when special needs change our course is linked at our website first person interview calm You'll find it and other resources there at first person interview calm And I hope you'll bookmark that website in your browser and check it often for additional information There's a calendar of upcoming guests there and also if you'd like to hear recent interviews with Robbie Zacharias or Erwin Lutzer or any previous interview they are in the archive at first person interview calm First person is here each week at this time as we talk with people who remind us Through their life story that it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure And if you'd like to subscribe to first person is a podcast you can automatically receive it via iTunes Just search for first person in the podcast directory Next weekend is Mother's Day and our guest will be Ralph Borde of as our own an organization that includes the rescue of at-risk Children in India and he is a very special way for you to mark Mother's Day next weekend I hope you'll join us next time now with thanks to my producer and friend Joe Carlson. I'm Wayne Shepard Thanks for listening to first person You You [MUSIC PLAYING]